208 - Green Achers

Moe, Larry, and Shemp visit Oliver and Lisa Douglas at Green Acres.

Scene I

Mr. Douglas is pacing the kitchen floor bumping into the eatin’ table every so often. Harvest time is here. There is so much to do! Lisa is doing the dishes. Eb is eagerly watching...Mrs. Douglas. Oliver asked Eb to hire the best helpers he can find.

Eb: "Mr. Douglas, I called The Farmer’s Friend (a temp agency for farm workers). They are sending out three of their best men."

MD: "Thanks, Eb. When will they arrive?"

Eb looks at his watch: "About 11:30 AM"
MD looks at his watch, "What? That’s in ten minutes!"

Eb: "But they arrive tomorrow."

Eb: "Can I stay for dinner? Mrs. Douglas says she’s cooking up something special."

MD: "Lisa and I would like to be alone."

Eb: "You will. Only I’ll be here."

Scene II

MLS are trying to get a job at The Farmer’s Friend, an employment agency for farmers. They are in the boss’s office pleading with him.

Larry touts their skills: "We’re the best helpers that ever helped ourselves."

Shemp grabs Farmer Dell by the ecru flannel shirt, "Listen, I can talk farm talk. ‘I can shuck an ear of corn better than any ear corn shucker with a corn in his ear ever shucked corn with his ear.’"

FD chews on his fern and ponders things.

Larry tries again, "I know some farm words: Tractor. Beans. Cow. Deer."

"Deer?"

Larry: "Yes, Deere. Probably the son of Mommy Dearest and the brother of Dear Abby."

In disbelief, Farmer Dell shakes his head and drops his jaw in awe watching his fern fall to the ground.

Shemp takes a Farmers Co-op pen off FD’s desk, sticks it in the side of his mouth, and starts chomping on it like a piece of straw. He snatches the "A-corn Corn" cap off the secretary’s head and puts it on like a baseball player. Shemp ambles around the room as if he sat on a corncob, spewing out farm talk like a politician trying to be elected, "We’ll plant beans in the north field, corn in the south field, wheat in the east field, and have beer in Marshall Field."

FD snickers: "Sounds like you boys know your farming."

Moe, in his best desperation sound: "Please Mr. Dell. Hi ho the dairy-oh. Let us go."

FD gives in, "Ok boys, I’ll put you on probation."

"Probation?" asks Shemp. "Are we criminals?"

FD, "No, I’m testing you out. Go out to Oliver Douglas’s farm. He needs some helpers."

"How do we get there?" quizzes Larry.

FD sits down in a rocking chair, straightens his straw hat, and leans back, chewing on a new Burpee fern, "Weeelll, go down the dirt road in back apiece. When you get to Junior’s farm, turn left. After a while, you’ll see Old Man Hardy’s scarecrow. It’s not really a scarecrow – it’s his wife. Turn right and it’s the third farm on the left."

"Which car do we take?"

"Take old Betsy."

"Which one is that?"

"The combine."

Scene III

MLS are driving Ole Betsy down the dirt road. The O-blah-dee-oh-blah-dah River follows the meandering road.

Moe slaps Shemp’s hand. "Stop fiddling with those controls."

Larry points to the front of the combine. "Look, the paddlewheel is turning."

Moe bonks Shemp on the head. "Now what?"

"Hey, Moe, you’re getting too close to that car."

"Moe, you shaved the paint off that guy’s trunk."

Moe is trying to concentrate, "Shut up and let me drive."

"Where’s the radio?" asks Larry. He starts turning knobs and flipping levers.

" Owwww" Moe pinches Larry’s hand.

Shemp: "I think this car we’re driving is really a steamboat. It has a paddlewheel in front. Let’s take the river as a shortcut. We’ll be like Mark Twine on the Mississippi."

Moe agrees: "You’re right, Shemp. I’ve never seen a car with a paddlewheel in front. All aboard! Shiver me timbers. Avast maties!"

Moe turns sharply off the dirt road and into the river. The combine sinks like a rock. Moe, Larry, and Shemp escape out the open windows and make their way to the surface. A short swim to shore puts the boys soaking wet in the mud.

Moe stands up and kicks Shemp. "A paddleboat." Larry boots him, "A paddleboat."

Moe, Larry, and Shemp walk dejectedly out to the road, dripping wet, to hitch a ride to the farm.

In over an hour, only one car has driven by.

Finally...

A beat up, old ’50 Ford pickup pulls over. A farmer’s farmer pokes his head out the window, "You need a ride?"

Shemp, "No, we just washed our clothes in the river and we’re letting them dry."

Moe turns and eye pokes Shemp.

Larry, "Yes, we do."

"My name is Ziffle. Fred Ziffle. Hop on in."

Moe opens the passenger door only to find Arnold the pig, in the passenger seat grunting. Moe starts to push Arnold aside. Arnold starts squealing and snorting.

Fred reprimands the Stooges. "You boys will have to ride in back. This is Arnold’s truck. I’m chauffeuring him to the Farm and Fleet store. Then we’re going to Merrill Lynch after lunch so he can meet with his commodities broker."

"Commodities?"

MLS take their place in the back seat of the truck.

Arnold grunts a few words "mshdhdh" then turns on the radio to listen to Judy’s noontime corn report. Fred puts his arm on the back of the seat and leans toward the back and says in a loud whisper, "This is Arnold’s favorite show...except Kermit the frog."

Ziffle leans over farther and whispers, "I think he likes Miss Piggy."

MLS look at each other in wonder.

Arnold grunts again: "mmdmdmdmd"

Shemp: "What’d he say?"

Fred: "Corn prices are up 3%. He made a lot of money in corn futures last year."

Larry asks: "Arnold plays corn futures?"

Fred gnaws on his pipe, pushes some Prince Albert tobacco in the end, lights it up and puffs like a steam engine, "Yesssir. Right good at it. He’s saving up for his retirement. Arnold wants to retire by the age of five. He doesn’t want to wait until 7."

MLS look at each other in disbelief. After about ten minutes of a bumpy ride...

Fred finally inquires: "Where are you headed?"

Larry unfolds then reads the papers that Farmer Dell gave them, "To a Mr. Douglas’s farm."

Arnold snorts furiously and runs around on the seat of the truck.
Fred, with both hands on the wheel, tries to mollify Arnold, "Calm down Arnold"

He turns toward the back, "Arnold loves goin’ to Douglas’s farm. They have a cute sow named Nellie."

He quickly turns around to pay attention to driving, "Now you behave yourself Arnold. Don’t think like that; especially around strangers."

Scene IV

Arrival at Green Acres

Fred drops MLS off at Green Acres. Fred and Arnold can’t stay – they are late for a broker’s appointment. Fred pulls the rickety truck to the side of the road – right next to a rock driveway, "This is as far as I can take you."

MLS get out of the truck. Fred heads off to Farm and Fleet with Arnold pushing his snout out the window sniffing the fresh air.

Larry gets all excited. "He forgot to tell us which farm!"

Moe slaps Larry. "Don’t get all excited."

Moe spies a county inspector pickup truck with the words ‘Mr. Kimball’ painted in a nice Tahoma font on the side of the road.

Moe walks over to the driver who is reading a map: "Excuse me, which farm is the Douglas’?"

Mr. Kimball looks up and points to a rock road: "It’s at the end of this road. Well, not at the end, but pretty close. At least their driveway is near the end. It’s not really their driveway. It’s partly owned by their neighbor. I’d say more owned than partly owned. Last year the farm got bigger so their ownership of the driveway increased. That’s until the county decided to partition the county line. Now the county owns some of the driveway. At least part of it. Next year they may own more. Well not more; just some. It depends on the new tax structure. Not depends. Relies. What’s another word for ‘rely’?"

Moe: "Idiot."

MLS start walking down the road toward the farm.

Mr. K: "Thanks! I can idiot on you for good advice. Well, it’s not good advice. I’d say more like adequate advice. Probably passable advice. Not exactly passable. Not really. Passable expert advice. No, more like..."

Larry turns to leave, "I hope you never have to call 911."

MLS leave Mr. K figuring out more synonyms.

At last, MLS arrive at the farm.

MD, donned in a suit, greets MLS. "My name is Oliver Douglas."

Moe answers: "I’m Moe, and this is Larry and Shemp."

They salute MD. Larry and Shemp hit Moe in the face. Moe bonks them on the head with his fists.

"Are you sure you know farming?"

Larry tells him! "Do we know farming? Do we know farming? Do we?"

Shemp jumps back and grabs Moe by the arm: "Moe, they have giants living here! I don’t want to end up as a side order to the Jolly Green Giant. I’m getting out of here!" Shemp starts to run away but Moe picks up a rope and lassos him.

MD is puzzled: "Giants?"

Shemp points to a pitchfork. "Yeah, look at the size of that fork. I’ll bet he eats helpers for dinner." Shemp’s knees start to knock. "I’m a fraidy cat.".

Moe tells MD: "I’m going to take this fraidy cat with me."

Larry is frightened: "But Moe, I’m a fraidy cat, too."

MD: "You clods. That’s a pitchfork. It’s for lifting hay."

MD thinks to himself: "These guys rank with Eb on intelligence."

Scene V

Their first job...

MD: "Your first job is to weed the corn field. Walk up and down the rows of corn and pull the weeds. I’ll be in the barn if you need me." MD heads out toward the barn.

MLS walk over to the cornfield. It is August and the corn has dried out just enough for harvest.

Moe: "That stuff looks dead. MD was right. The whole field has been taken over by weeds."

Larry: "This will take us all day!"

Shemp: "I got an idea."

Moe: "I thought I smelled something burning."

Shemp: "Mr. Douglas has a weed cutter like the one we drove into the river. That will save us a lot of time."

Moe: "You have an ounce of brains. Where did you get them?"

Larry: "He must have hatched last week."

MLS scurry over and climb up in the weed cutter.

Shemp grabs the steering wheel: "I wanna drive!"

Larry socks him. "No, it’s my turn."

Shemp stomps on Larry’s foot. "I’m driving."

Larry tries to wrestle the steering wheel from Shemp.

Moe pulls a clump of Larry’s hair and Shemp’s hair out and hands it to them: "I’m driving. End of story. Go stuff a mattress."

"I wanna listen to the ballgame." Shemp starts flipping switches and throwing levers. The big wheel starts a turnin’. Proud Mary keeps on burnin’. All sorts of mechanical sounds are sounding!

Moe pushes the accelerator. Away they go!

"Hey, Moe. Why is MD running in front?"

Moe: "Oops. I think we’re chasing him. I hope he can run fast. I don’t know how to drive this thing."

MD shakes his fist and yells something at them then dives out of the way. The combine continues to cut down the corn stalks.

"Moe. MD looked pretty mad when we drove by."

Moe shifts into a lower gear, "I had better stop and see what he wants." Moe stops the combine and opens the driver’s window.

MD runs up to the combine and screams at Moe, "You idiots! You’re chopping down my corn!"

Shemp leans over Moe and says, "Corn? Are you sure? Those brown things look like dead weeds."

MD: "Get down from there."

MLS climb down from the cab.

Sergeant Douglas points to an imaginary line in the dirt and barks out an order, "Fall in on that line. Fall in!"

Moe, Larry, and Shemp line up at attention.

Mr. Douglas looks at them with a beet-red face and slaps them at the same time.

An exasperated Mr. Douglas says, "I’ll take care of these ‘weeds’. Go around front and load the wood I cut into the truck. I need to take it in to Hooterville this afternoon." He climbs into the combine, mumbles a few expletives, and then drives it back to the barn. He is suspicious of MLS’s farming know-how.

MLS walk to the front of the house where a huge pile of cut wood awaits.

Moe, "Larry, come with me. Shemp, load the truck with wood."

Shemp, "OK, Moe. I’m on it. I’ll stack that wood like anyone would if a woodchuck could stack wood."

"Shut up" Moe explained.

Moe picks up a scythe then him and Larry go behind the barn.

After about half an hour, Moe and Larry appear, joking with each other. Moe looks up and cannot believe what he sees.

"SHHEEEMMMPPPP!"

A voice comes from underneath the truck. "What is it, Moe?"

"You stacked the wood inside the truck!"

"You said to stack it in the truck."

"I meant the back of the truck, not inside the cab."

"Now take it out and stack it there!" Moe points to the bed of the pickup. "Larry, help this know nothing."

Just as they start to stack the wood, Mr. Haney drives up in his truck. Shemp and Larry drop a wheelbarrow full of wood which roll out all over the ground then run out to greet him. Moe slams down a pick axe in disgust and mumbles, "Those morons."

Larry, tugging at his overalls with a big smile on his farmin’ face, asks, "We’re MD’s helpers. Who are you?"

"I’m Mr. Haney the antique dealer. How would you like to buy everything on this truck? Fifty percent off! Today only."

Larry is excited: "50% off? What a deal! How much?"

Haney scribbles on his clipboard: "I’ll send Mr. Douglas a bill."

The hard-bargaining Shemp closes the deal, "That’s even cheaper. We’ll take it."

Mr. Haney dumps his truck full of junk in the driveway. He waves at them: "Goodbye, chumps." Mr. Haney sprays rocks as he leaves in a big hurry.

Larry tells Shemp: "Chumps must be farmer slang for smart guys."

"Won’t MD be proud of our wheelin’ and dealin’" says a victorious Shemp.

Scene VI

So long...

Mr. D quickly walks out of the barn when he hears Haney’s truck throw rocks. He sees all the junk in the driveway. MD runs up to Shemp and Larry with steam pouring out of his ears.

"What is all this junk?" MD asks in an acrimonious voice.

"Junk? We got it for 50% off. We’re chumps! Mr. Haney said so!" answers Larry, proudly pulling on his suspenders.

"50% off? Off of what?"

"Mr. Haney told us we get 50% off if we buy all his antiques in his truck."

MD stares at the ‘traditional’ pile in his driveway. "Antiques? That junk? oooooo. That Haney."

Shemp finishes the deal: "We don’t even have to pay for it. He’s sending the bill to Mr. Douglas. Hee hee. Won’t he be surprised."

MD: "I’M Mr. Douglas, you dope."

Shemp scratches his head. "I thought that name sounded familiar."

Moe walks out of the barn: "What’s all the racket?"

MD points to the junk that Haney dumped, "Your stupid friends bought that pile of scrap iron and put it on my tab."

Moe eyes over the stuff, "Looks like antiques to me."

MD: "Moe, put this junk to the side of the driveway. I’ll deal with it later." MD points to Shemp and Larry. "You two imbeciles come with me to the barn."

MD, Shemp, and Larry walk to the barn. Moe joins them in a few minutes.

"Do you know how to feed a cow?"

Larry is quick to answer, "Yes. Open a bag of Purina Cow Feed then put a bib around their neck. Then..."

MD interrupts and asks Shemp, "Do you know how to feed a cow?"

Shemp, "Well. Umm. You put the. Give them cow food."

"No, you blanks. Give them hay."

"Ok. Oh, MD. Where do you buy hay? I think I have some coupons for Quaker bales of hay," says Shemp who is frantically searching his pockets.

MD sternly tells them: "It is in the barn. Up there!" MD points to the hayloft while glaring at Shemp.

Larry climbs up in the hayloft and starts pushing bales of hay on Shemp and MD.

"You, you possum-puss porcupine!" cries MD. "Use the pitchfork."

Larry picks up the pitchfork but drops it over the edge of the loft. It lands on MD’s rear end. "Yeeooooww!"

MD grimaces in pain. Shemp pulls the fork out of its target while Moe yells at Larry in the loft:

"Look what you did to his pants! You put four holes in it!" Moe scurries up the ladder and twists Larry’s proboscis.

"I’ll fix things."

MD, "Every time you fix things I get fixed."

Shemp pulls out his Martha Stewart Overall Repair kit from his back pocket. "I’ll sew it up."

MD is rubbing his sore spots. Shemp accidentally stabs him with the needle.

"YEEOOOWWW!" MD grabs his behind and cringes his sweaty eyebrows. "I’m not suppose to be in my pants when you sew them."

Shemp apologizes. "I can’t see without my glasses."

"Why didn’t you put them on?" yells MD, rubbing his sore spots.

"I can’t find them without my glasses."

MD: "Of course. What astute logic, you jejune goon."

Larry scurries down the ladder then picks up the pitchfork.

"I won’t be needing this!" Larry tosses the pitchfork aside – right into Mr. Douglas’ rear.

MD: "OWWWwwww!!"

Moe yanks it out again. "You useless shaving brush! Now he has eight holes in his hide."

Moe conks Larry on the head with a shovel.

"I’ll fix things." Shemp takes out his sewing kit.

"No." MD: "I’m going inside and getting some new pants. Now I have to eat my meals standing up."

Later...

MD comes in the barn with eight big patches over the pitchfork holes.

"How are you doing?" asks MD, still tending to his wounds.

Shemp asks for supplies: "We need more peanut butter."

"Peanut butter???"

Shemp: "Yeah. I tried the hay myself. It was awful."

MD rolls his eyes and mutters: "Why am I not surprised."

Shemp continues: "So I started putting peanut butter on the hay. The cows liked it so much one of them ate the jar of Jif right out of my hand."

MD shakes his head then looks up toward the sky with his arms spread out and asks: "Why am I the lucky one?"

"Because you have us!" exclaims Larry. Larry dances a jig in excitement and steps on a rake, which conks MD in the head.

"Ouchh!" flinches MD as he throws the rake down in disgust.

MD yells toward the house: "Eb! Get out here and help these impossibles."

Eb comes a runnin’ "How can I help you Mr. Douglas?"

MD: "Not ME. These other idiots!"

"Yes, Mr. Douglas."

"Show these helpers how to feed the animals."

"Well, you take peanut butter and hay for the cows..."

MD: "NO, not you, too!"

Eb: "Haven’t you ever eaten hay? It’s awful."

Lisa walks in the barn.

"Oliva. Stop crying. Dinner is ready."

MD sniffles. "What are we having for dinner?"

"Sour grits, biscuits and ketchup, and hot dogs."

That straightens up Oliver. "Er, sounds delicious. But sour grits?"

Lisa: "I ran out of cheese so I used sour cream with yellow food coloring – it LOOKS like cheese. I don’t know how to make gravy so I used ketchup instead. The sausage is still on the pigs so we are eating hot dogs. Do your friends want dinner?"

MLS and Eb in unison: "Eats!" They drop everything and run into the house. Eb follows closely behind.

Lisa: "Those poor boys. They probably haven’t eaten all day. Why didn’t you feed them?"

MD: "They were eating the cow’s dinner."

Lisa: "I hope the cows don’t mind sharing their dinner."

MD: "Lisa, the cows eat hay."

Lisa: "Well, we eat cows so we might as well eat hay and peanut butter."

MD gives up. "C’mon Lisa. Let’s go to dinner."

At the conclusion of dinner...

Shemp compliments Mrs. Douglas: "That was a delicious dinner." Shemp wipes his mouth on his napkin.

Lisa, in her Swedish accent accepts: "Thank you, Chimp. Where is your drink coaster go?"

Shemp: "Drink coaster?"

MD says dryly: "The black square you set your glass on."

Shemp licks his lips: "Oh, I thought it was a chocolate wafer. I ate it. It was pretty dry tasting."

MD cannot believe it. "I can’t believe this."

Lisa: "Mr. Moat. Did you like your dinner?"

Moe winces and answers: "Yes, it tasted, um, good."

Larry adds his comments: "I liked mine." Larry shows everyone his empty plate."See, my plate is clean."

Moe grabs the plate out of Larry’s hand and smashes it on his head.

MD: "Where is your napkin? It was next to your plate at the start of supper."

Larry: "Napkin?"

MD: "Yes, the white cloth that was laying by your dinner dish."

"Oh, that’s a napkin? I rolled the hot dog in it and ate it. I thought it was a farmer’s tortilla. It was a bit undercooked and stringy."

MD is near the end of his rope. His forehead is wrinkling and turning scarlet.

Lisa asks Larry: "How about you, Lariat? Did you like my cooking?"

Larry answers: "I refuse to answer on the grounds that you may incinerate me."

Eb speaks up: "Mrs. Douglas, the pick-your-own lettuce was a good idea."

MD: "We don’t have a lettuce tree."

Eb points to a bare-naked plant in the corner. "What’s that, then?"

Lisa: "I bought that at Sears. I have another one in the spare bedroom if you’re still hungry. Oliva, why didn’t you tell me they were lettuce trees?"

MD throws up his hands. "That was a fake rubber tree! I’m surrounded by incompetents."

Lisa: "If you need pampers Oliva, I’ll go buy some."

MD slams his plate down, stands up and points to each of the Stooges, "You, you, and you are fired!"

MLS are a little apprehensive. They slowly get up from the table. The silent room is interrupted with a knock at the door.

Lisa nonchalantly says: "I’ll answer it." Lisa shuffles in her slippers over to the front door and opens it.

"Why Mr. Haney. How nice of you to visit us."

Haney: "Good evening Mrs. Douglas. I’m here representing the Haney Collection Agency."

MD is livid: "Collection agency? For what?"

Haney: "Your bill for the collector’s items is a day old."

MD: "Collector’s items? You mean that pile of junk in the driveway?"

Mr. Haney hands Lisa a bill for $100.

"You also owe 25% of the bill for a fine."

MD: "Fine? What fine??"

Mr. Haney thumbs through a worn-out black book with gold print, "Here it is. Section 15 of the Hooterville municipal code specifically states a house cannot have junk in its driveway...and you have junk in your driveway."

MD: "I thought they were collector’s items. You sold those three saps that stuff then dumped it in the driveway."

Haney: "You mean they bought it without a receiver’s license?"

Mr. Haney takes a pen out of his shirt pocket and scribbles a few notes on a slip of paper.

"That will be another $10."

MD has had it. "Get out of here, Haney, before I throw you out."

Haney: "Threatening an arm of the law? Wait’ll my uncle, Sheriff Bojangles, finds out about this!"

MD points toward the door, "Put it on my tab. Now all of you get out!!!"

MD picks up a baseball bat and starts tapping it in his hand and walking toward MLS and Mr. Haney.

Shemp taps Moe on the shoulder and says in a low voice, "He’s looking at where you are."

Moe, with one eye on Mr. Douglas and one eye on the door says, "No, he’s looking at where I was...let’s go!"

Haney follows MLS out the front door with Mr. Douglas a close second shaking a Louisville Slugger signed by Mark McGwire.

Oliver falls flat after stumbling on the marbles Shemp threw behind him.

Out in the driveway...

Panting loudly, Mr. Haney tells the Stooges: "Mr. Douglas must have had a bad day."

Moe: "How could he? We were helping him the whole time."

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