201 - Auction Action
Moe, Larry, and Shemp are auto auctioneers whose auction action accelerates their ascent into the abyss of unemployment.
Scene I
The boys are at their place of business: "MLS Awkshuns" It is a huge brick building with a storage shed in back and an auction stage in the front. Car prep takes place in the back next to the shed. This is their first day of operation.
After pulling an all-nighter, Larry finally finishes reading 'Auctions for Imbeciles'.
His notes read:
- Get car
- Use car
- Sell car
"Hmm. Sounds fairly simple."
"Hey Aardvark! Get this next car ready to auction," Moe commands, pointing to a '75 black Mercedes.
"What do you want me to do?", asks Shemp.
"Clean it good," orders Moe.
Shemp examines the car. "Man, is it dirty!" Shemp stands half-asleep and stares at the car wishing it would clean itself.
Moe walks up to his ear and yells: "GET TO WORK!"
Shemp salutes a nearby telephone pole. "Yes, sir. Wait a minute. You're not Moe...you don't have ears!"
Moe continues, "I'm going inside to check on a few things."
Shemp drags himself to the storage shed to get some car cleaner. He looks around, talking to himself: "Hmmm. Baking soda? Naaah. Windex? That looks like Boo Berry kook-aid. My favorite." Shemp unscrews the top and takes a swig. Crinkling his forehead, he spits it out in the grass: "Pheww! This stuff is awful. Tastes like uranium 239."
The bottle is cast aside.
Continueing to look for cleaner, Shemp is still talking to himself. "Here's something. Mur. Murums. No, Murium's Ace Cleaner. I wish they didn't make names so compilicated (sic)."
Larry shoves a book under Moe's nose. "Look at this. The fine print in this new book suggests selling a car for more than you paid for it."
"Ahhhh. What do books know. You read too much."
Larry smiles. "I'm a very erudite man."
"And your feet don't smell good, either," says Moe, pushing the book aside.
After deciding on Murium's cleaner, Shemp pours it in a bucket, swishes some warm water with it, and begins cleaning the car. About an hour later, Moe returns to inspect Shemp's work.
"Yaaaaa! The Mercedes!" cries Moe, his arm trembling as he points to the car.
Shemp is delighted. "You like it? It's nice and shiny."
"You, you, " stutters Moe.
"Ignoramus?" Shemp fills in.
"Yeah, ignoramus. You stripped it down to bare metal." Moe is mad.
Shemp backs away. "But Moe, it was really dirty."
"Dirty? That was black paint. You're useless. Useless!" Moe shakes his fists at Shemp.
"No, I'm Shemp."
"What did you use?"
Shemp continues his defense: "I used Murium's Ace cleaner. Here's the bottle." Shemp hands over the cleaner to Moe.
Moe holds it away from himself (he is nearsighted) and is flabbergasted. "Oh no. I should fire you. That's Muratic Acid Cleaner."
"You know I can't read very good."
Moe corrects him. "Well."
Shemp: "Well, what?"
"This." Moe twists Shemp's nose, conks his head, and eye pokes him.
"We're gonna have to eat that car. We'll never make any money with incompetents like you." Moe walks away slowly cussing to himself about his employees.
"Gee, Moe. You rarely complement me."
"Here's another complement."
"Will Moe Howard report to the front office immediately?"
"Yeah, yeah." Ignoring the page, Moe picks up a newspaper and opens it to the lacrosse section.
"Now!"
A half hour later, Moe returns to find Shemp sitting on the curb next to the shiny Mercedes looking very pale.
Shemp is half folded over with a sickly look on his face. "Moe, I don't feel so good. I think I ate too much."
"Ate too much?" Moe glances at his Capt Crunch watch. "It's not lunch time."
"I did what you said. I started eating the car, but could only finish a small piece of the fender. It'll take me a long time and a lot of Pepto-Dismall to finish the car."
Moe slaps himself on the forehead and just plain gives up, "Look LTU. Don't eat any more cars on company time. Go help Larry."
"LTU? Did I get a promotion?" asks Shemp.
"Less Than Useless. Yes, that's an improvement."
Shemp walks away like a proud, new Dad.
After wandering aimlessly around the building, Shemp spies Larry working on another car.
Shemp, "To see if it works. Heh. Heh. It works."
"Can I help?"
An oily Larry answers from underneath the hood of a 1969 two-tone green Cutlass - more Bondo than metal. "No, but try anyway. Go around front and bring me a car to prep for auction."
"Ok."
Shemp trots around to the front of the building and examines a few cars.
"Ooooh. A black, shiny limo. That'll bring in some lunch money."
He drives it around so Larry can prep it for the auction.
Scene II
A tall, anorexic, dartboard-faced man with a beret and dark eyebrows above his dark shades walks out of the auction house. He stops and looks around a few times then starts yelling. "Hey, my car. It's gone!" ThinMan frantically runs around in circles looking for his lost limo. Exhausted, he flips open his cell phone, punches a few numbers, and impatiently waits for an answer. After three rings, the boss answers.
"Hello, Dapper? Someone heisted the limo while I stopped to use the restroom. When I came out, it was gone."
"What's your locale?"
"I'm at 'MLS Awkshuns' near BurgerMaid."
Dapper is cool. "I'll send Anvil and MeatCleaver over there in a few minutes...as soon as Bugs Bunny is over."
"Right, boss," answers ThinMan.
After hanging up the phone, he finds a cement bench to sit on and fret in the warm sun.
Meanwhile, out front of 'MLS Awkshuns' today's auction starts...
Moe announces: "This nice limo was owned by a little old lady who was driven to church on Sunday. Any bids?"
Man with wart on left cheek: "Eight thousand."
Grandma with gun in her purse bids seven thousand.
Green Hat strikes a miner's pose: "Ah bid five thousand."
Moe yells at the audience: "Wait a minute! You are supposed to bid up, not down."
All three bidders draw their guns and cock them with Moe in their sites.
Moe gulps and sheepishly continues, "Five thousand. Do I hear four thousand? Going once, going twice...sold to the man with the green hat."
Green Hat pays Moe in cash - all elevens and twenties - then jumps in the limo, and quickly drives away.
Moe stashes the money in a safe and continues to auction other cars.
"What's the bid on this yellow 1949 Willys Jeepster with antique machine gun holes..."
Scene III
Anvil and MeatCleaver pull up to "MLS Awkshuns" in a red '71 Impala. Moe is standing near the auctioneer's podium fumbling with the mike as he cleans it while Larry and Shemp are taking down the PA equipment.
Anvil is the first out of the car. "Hey, bowlcut."
Moe turns around and answers: "What?"
"Did you see a black limo, license plate 'UMB DAY'?"
Anvil blushes. "The boss gave me the plate for my birthday."
Larry butts in: "Yeah, we just auctioned it off about an hour ago."
Anvil picks up Moe's drink and crushes the glass. "Duh, youse guys better get it back."
Shemp challenges them: "Or what?"
"Or this!" MeatCleaver walks over to Larry's 1973 Olds Cutlass, rips off the fender with his bare hands, and folds it into an origami bird.
Larry points to his prize possession: "My car!"
Shemp's eyes are frightened wide open and he's talking with no sound.
Moe isn't scared. "Tha tha that's nothing. Watch what he can do." Moe turns to Shemp.
"Show him, Balsa."
Shemp starts dancing around in the mud, sniffing heavily and shadow boxing. Anvil and MeatCleaver start pointing and laughing.
"Duh, we're scared. Aren't we, Anvil?"
"Yeah! We're scared." Anvil nods his head in agreement, pointing to the mighty Balsa.
"Whoops" Shemp slips in the mud and falls on a board with some bricks on it. The bricks are propelled in the air and make their way to Anvil and MeatCleaver's heads, knocking them out cold.
"Let's get outta here before they wake up and finish us off."
Moe runs up to a homeless bum, passed out on a park bench near the front of their establishment.
"HereYouAreTheProudNewOwnerOfMLSAuctionsGoodLuckAndGoodBye. You'll need it" Moe signs over the deed and stuffs it in his gaping, snoring, stinking mouth. Moe, Larry, and Shemp jump in a car and screech out of the parking lot, leaving a cloud of dust in their wake.
Anvil and MeatCleaver shake their heads and start to come around a few minutes after MLS leave. They call Dapper.
"Dapper, three guys gave away our limo. They look like a bowlcut, a porcupine, and Spanky (of Little Rascals). We're gonna chase them down."
"Get them, dead or alive" Dapper orders. "...preferably dead."
Scene IV
Out on the open road...
Shemp: "Moe, we've been driving for three hours. I'm hungry."
Moe pulls in to a Maid-out-of-a-Box. A giant metal Maid with long, batty eyelashes greets the hungry people at the drive-in.
IronMaiden blinks her creaky aluminum eyelashes: "May I help you?"
Moe orders: "Yeah, three sandwiches."
Maid: "Six burgers. Pull up to the first window."
Moe: "I said three."
IronMaiden snaps back: "You're getting six. Now pull up to the first window!"
Moe: "I said three sandwiches."
IronMaiden acquiesces in a low, painful voice: "Ooooo. 3 sandwiches. Pull forward."
Moe gives her a tip: a conk in the head with his crowbar before picking up their meal. They drive home to 1234 Fifth Street.
Scene V
In MLS's living room. The shades are drawn and a 'Closed' sign is in the picture window.
Shemp is rightfully worried...he's pacing up and down the hall: "Moe. Those goons are gonna find us here."
<ding!> Larry jumps up: "I got it! Let's switch the house numbers tonight and confuse those goons. They'll never find us!"
Moe is proud of Larry and pats him on the back. "Genius. Why didn't you think of that?" Moe conks Shemp on the head with his fist.
"Why didn't you think of that?" Shemp tells Moe, shaking two fingers.
Moe turns Shemp's wrist so his fingers are pointing toward Shemp's eyes.
"Now what?"
"This." <doink>
"That Larry is a genius imbecile." Moe says, patting Larry on the back.
Shemp is left out. "What about me?"
"Oh, you're much smarter. You're just an imbecile."
Shemp: "Oh, thank you!"
Larry opens up today's lunch.
"I thought you ordered three sandwiches."
"I did."
"There are six here."
Moe runs over to the kitchen table, grabs the receipt and quickly scans it.
"Ooooo! They even charged me for six burgers."
Shemp laughs. "A little mustard with your shirt?"
"I'll clean it off." Moe tries to rub the mustard out of Larry's shirt but it gets all over everything.
Larry, "Oh, never mind." Down the garbage disposer goes the shirt.
MLS recline on the couch and watch TV to pass the time.
"Hey Shemp. The TV is over here. You're watching the dresser."
"I thought the plot was getting boring."
At 2 A.M. they go out and switch all the numbers on the houses on their block.
Scene VI
The next day...
Just as Larry predicted, the goon squad converges on 1234 Fifth Street. They pull in the driveway, jump out and surround the house. Boulder pounds on the front door with Mad Dog standing as a drooling sentinel. A little old lady opens the door a crack and says: "Yes, may I help you Sonny?"
"Weez looking for three morons: bowlcut, porcupine, and Spanky."
Little old lady: "Those idiots? They live at 1234."
"This is 1234," reminds Boulder.
"No, this is 4321."
"It says '1234'"
"You have dyslexia. Now scram. I gotta get back to my soap opera 'As the World Churns'"
Boulder walks back to the car with a big question mark over his head and a sore nose. He sticks his diminutive head in the driver's door and tells the bad news in his high-pitched voice: "Hey, Dapper, she said that '1234' really means '4321' because I have a Lexus."
Dapper is puzzled. He turns to his driver: "Righty, maybe Lefty gave us the wrong address. Call him and verify."
"Duh, ok, boss."
Righty stares at the phone until Dapper shakes him up.
"444-4444"
"Thanks boss. I always forget that number."
Righty calls Lefty on the car phone. Yes, they have the correct address.
Dapper tells Boulder: "Have Pliers and Axxe watch the house tonight. Something is not right."
Boulder calls in the gang for a pep talk: "Pliers. Axxe. Youse guys watch the house for the morons tonight."
They obediently answer. "Yes, boss."
Pliers and Axxe take one of the company cars and park it down the street while the rest of the mob goes home.
At 2 A.M. MLS switch the numbers on the houses again under the watchful eyes of the snoring Pliers and Axxe.
The next morning...
Axxe: "Hey, Pliers. We parked in front of the wrong house. We're at 1324. We should be at 1234. Oh, well, let's go back home. Speed Racer is on. Nothin' happened." They drive away.
Hungry from all this action, Shemp searches a few cabinets in the kitchen then tells Moe: "We're outta cheese waffies. I'm going to the store and buy a few sacks of them. I'll be back soon."
"Ok. Pick up a few turnips." replies Moe.
"Sure. " Shemp walks down to the nearby supermarket to get some snacks and cokes. When he comes back naturally he is confused...
"Uh oh. Where do I live? 1324 Fifth? No, 1432 Fifth? No, 3214 Fifth? No. I'd better have a fifth."
Shemp gives up thinking and decides to go up to the first house and knocks on the door. The door opens almost immediately. An arm comes out and
"You masher!" yells a gray haired Grandma, chasing Shemp away shaking a rusted 12" iron frying pan at him.
Shemp retreats to the sidewalk holding his bumpy head. "Whoaaa. Wrong house. I'll try next door."
Shemp sneaks up, looks around, then knocks on the door. Shemp is ready for another frying pan when the door opens: "Hello, handsome," answers a buxom young lady. Shemp looks around. She grabs Shemp's arm and drags him inside and starts making her move.
Quivering Shemp asks: "Er, where's your husband?"
"Oh, asleep in the next room. Don't worry." Things are getting steamy.
(lion's roar)
Shemp is petrified. "Wha, what was that?"
"Uh oh. My husband, PipeBender, is awakening."
"PipeBender?" Shemp is shaking thinking peoplebender.
"Oh yes. He works at the circus as the strongest man on earth!"
A 7-foot muscleman, walks out of the bedroom dressed in his skivvies and chewing on a few 20-penny nails. PipeBender glares at Shemp as he ever so slowly tears a NY, NY telephone book in half.
"Gulp." Shemp jumps up and runs out the front door, forgetting to open it.
After chasing himself around a tree in the front yard several times, Shemp pauses to catch his breath but recovers quickly. "Whoaaaa. Definitely, the wrong house. Maybe I'll have better luck at the next house."
Shemp taps lightly on the door and hears: "Who is it?"
"Shemp."
"Shemp's not home."
"I'm Shemp."
"I'm Shemp isn't home, either."
"No, I'm Shemp."
"He's not home either."
"You idiot! The guy not on the other side of your side of the door is Shemp."
"Oh, why didn't you say so?" The door flings open, knocking Shemp in the nearby rose bushes.
A bowlcut head pokes out slightly past the door, looks around and sees nothing then slams the door shut. Shemp wriggles out of the thorn bushes and tries again.
"Shemp."
"Shemp's not home."
Shemp is dejected. "I guess I'm not home." He walks slowly down the driveway with his head hanging low.
Shemp is elated. "I'm home!" He runs up to the house. "Hi, Moe!"
"Where are the turnips?" asks Moe, rummaging through the groceries.
"I did like you said: I picked them up."
"You didn't buy them?"
"No; just picked them up."
Moe is worried. "We'd better do some yard work before the homeowners association goose-steps to our front door and throws us out."
Moe grabs Larry by the hair. "C'mon, porcupine. We're going weeding."
As Moe walks by Shemp, he latches on to his shirt with some pliers: "You too, mongoose."
Scene VII
MLS are in the back yard doing yard work.
Anvil and MeatCleaver (no relation to Ward Cleaver) slowly drive down Fifth Street glancing at every house when they spot Shemp carrying a bag of mulch to his back yard.
"Duh, there's Spanky!" Anvil points to Shemp. "Call the boss!"
MeatCleaver phones Dapper who sends in the reinforcements - Pliers.
Pliers: "Ok, Anvil, you go around back on the left side and me and MeatCleaver will go around on the right side."
They get out of the car and collide into each other near the hood.
Pliers corrects Anvil: "No, your other left." The three goons go to their appointed paths.
Pliers sneaks up on Shemp, who is fertilizing the grass.
"Duh, you're in trouble, buddy."
Shemp turns around and puts his hand in a bag of Feeds the Weeds fertilizer: "I have some magic powder to get me out of trouble."
"Oh, yeah? Let me have it."
"With pleasure." He throws a handful in Pliers' face.
"Ohhhh! I can't see," cries Pliers furiously rubbing his eyes.
Shemp picks up a spade and conks Pliers in the head on the left side, then the right side, then on the top of the head as a finale. Pliers is out cold.
Anvil finds Larry pulling weeds with a long wooden extractor.
"Duh, put that down," orders Anvil.
Larry agrees. "Ok."
Larry picks up a maul and conks Anvil in the noggin. Two down.
MeatCleaver spies Moe on the roof.
"Duh, come down here!" yells MeatCleaver, pointing to the ground.
Moe: "Ok, I'm going to toss down my pet."
"Ok, but you better come down after it."
"Oh, I will." Moe pushes a 110-pound rock off the roof into MeatCleaver's waiting arms.
"That's that."
Moe wipes his hands in victory and scurries down the ladder to Larry and Shemp.
"Let's get some burgers!"
Moe's forehead crinkles as he quietly laughs, "Okkkkk."
IronMaiden, "Your order."
"THIS!" <bam><bam><bam>
"3 burgers. Pull forward."
Scene VIII
Moe, Larry, and Shemp are in the house, celebrating.
Larry sips his champagne and speaks up: "Moe, what if they send more monsters after us?"
Moe ponders a while then says. "Here's what we'll do. Let's rent out the house to a bunch of WWF wrestlers for a while. They'll protect us."
Shemp agrees. "Yeah, that's a good idea. You're a genius moron."
"Moe. You ordered 3 burgers, didn't you?"
"Yesss."
"Here are 9 of them this time."
"OOOOOO!" Moe turns into a seething misfit.
Scene IX
MLS have rented their house to several WWF wrestlers. No sign of the mob for a few weeks...until Friday 13th.
Just as Larry forecasted, the goons come back - radios blaring, tires squealing, people yelling. Axxe leads the charge out of the cars.
"Flee Fli Flo Fleep. Who's waking me up from my beauty sleep?" is the answer.
Axxe pounds on the door again and tells him: "We are, you big galute. We're gonna rough you up. Now let us in."
WWF1 kicks the solid oak door down, right on Axxe, and walks on it. Pliers sticks his head in the door and looks around.
MLS are grateful. "Thanks for getting rid of the trash."
WWF4 is grateful: "Thanks for giving us the house."
Larry reminds them. "No, you rented the house. We own it"
WWF1-7 surround MLS.
Larry looks up at all the beef. "You own the house. We were renting it."
Scene X
MLS are in the front of their ex-house, idling in their car, Moe at the wheel.
"Let's get our last meal before we go back to being bums."
"Your order."
"Your order, please."
The nearby bushes rustle. "Hurry Moe," pleads Shemp.
"Your order, PLEASE."
Moe twists the last wire under the thumbscrew and pulls up the plunger.
'YOUR ORDER. NOW!"
"Bwahahahah" Moe's devious smile says it all as he pushes the plunger. "HERE IT IS."
Maid is now a seven foot hole in the ground.
On Main Street, Larry steps on a hapless ant. "Well, it's back to auctioning autos."
Moe confesses: "Um. I gave some homeless bum the deed to MLS Auctions."
Larry and Shemp are furious: "WHAT?"
Poor Moe. A taste of his own medicine.
"Stop it!", yells Moe.
Larry, "Moe. We got twelve hamburgers this time."
"OH NOoooooo!"
ˆ
© Mar 2001 Doug DePrenger