202 - Comdex Rejects
Episode 10
Moe, Larry, and Curly are at Comdex (in November), the biggest computer show in the U.S.A., showing off printers for PH Company.
Scene I
The boys open up a human resources outsourcing company called "Mens for Hire" in Henderson, Nevada. Their first assignment...
Chase remote car. Pick up magicians bag with zapper, etc.
The business phone rings...
Curly leaps out of his chair and answers the door. He realizes the ringing is not in his head so he answers the phone.
A sensuous female voice is at the other end of the line: "Hello is this 'Mens for Hire'?"
Curly eloquently replies: "No, this is Curly."
Moe grabs the phone and pounds Curly on the head. Curly and Larry listen in.
Moe continues: "Yes it is. What..."
Pitchman Larry grabs the phone from Moe "We're the best men ever to man a human..."
"I'm sorry. My partner is new. Please continue..."
"We're outsourcing everything. In fact, I'm outsourced. In fact we're outsourcing our outsourcing. Could you represent PH at Comdex next week?" asks the nice young thing.
Curly grabs the phone back. "Comdex? Soitenly toots. Where is it?"
"In Las Vegas, at the Convention Center."
"How do you get there?"
"Go 515 miles north by northeast on I-15. Then drive 673 miles west on I-80. Turn left at San Francisco on I-5. Go 500 miles south to L.A. Turn left on I-15 and go 281.3 miles east. Turn left at the Dairy Queen and you can't miss it."
After a few days on the road...
"How far to the Diary Queen?"
"I saw a sign a few minutes ago. It said '22 miles'"
"I didn't know highway signs talked."
Moe is suspicious: "Some of these landmarks look familiar."
"Yeah, they look like they are near where we live...in Henderson."
"The road up ahead bifurcates."
"I have some antacid in my suitcase."
"If I didn't know better, I'd say that Comdex is 10 miles from our house, not 2000."
Moe: "Well, you don't know better. Take the left bifurcation in the road."
"Have some of my bifurcated fingers" Moe eye pokes Larry.
"Why did you give us round about directions to the Convention Center?"
"Because I'm a travel agent and an ex-cab driver."
"I didn't. I don't even know you."
"I meant PH Company."
Scene II
Moe, Larry, and Curly are at the Las Vegas Convention Center where their booth will be. The Convention Center is surrounded by moving vans and is packed with people unloading boxes and setting up booths. It's 45 degrees outside but sunny.
Larry starts unpacking boxes and mutters to Curly: "We have to get this booth set up before Monday."
"NO!" A gravelly voice nearby orders him to stop: "You're not allowed to set this booth up. You have to have a union person do it."
"What? I'm perfectly capable of..."
The burly, unshaven HeadUnionMan donning a too-snug black with white lettering "Jack Daniels" T-shirt and no-fit "Plumber" brand blue jeans interrupts: "I don't care if you're Hercules. We have to set it up. And since it is Saturday, we get paid time and a half...AND you have to pay for doughnuts."
"Doughnuts?"
"Yeah. A dozen an hour. And at least three of them with have to be filled with chocolate. AND they must be Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Union rules."
Bluxo is tapping a used two-foot lead pipe in his hand. "Got that?"
"Ya ya yyes," squeaks Larry.
"Hey, you! Stop!" yells PipeFitter.
"What?"
"I'm supposed to do that. Union rules."
"I can unfold a table," says Curly, with a serious look on his face.
"I can unfold a table," PipeFitter parrots in a baby voice. "Look, buster. It's people like you that give us trouble. Here's a little tip."
After rubbing his sore head, Curly gets mad. "Only Moe can do that, you big overstuffed potato."
"What did you call me?"
"A watermelon on steroids."
"Oh yeah?" PipeFitter walks right up to Curly and bumps him. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"What I always do...let him take care of it!" Curly pushes Larry in front of himself then scurries away faster than a farmer running from a skunk.
PipeFitter grabs Larry by the hair and rrrrrips out a chunk.
After things cool down...
Curly lifts a 2x4 and swings around to get his drink and
Larry looks down at the windfall: "We need to get rid of this nuisance...I know, box him up and ship him to Las Vegas."
Moe twists Larry's nose with a pipe wrench
"Oh, how about Cucamonga?"
While Moe readies a large one person shipping container, Bluxo starts to come around.
"Go back to sleep." Moe
"Larry, fill the box with peanuts."
"Oh, peanuts!" says Curly, grabbing a handful of Styrofoam peanuts and salting them.
Curly starts munching his treat. "Yuucch. These peanuts are dry. Hey Larry, pass me the Bubblin' Butt hot sauce."
"Here."
While Curly is snacking, Larry grabs the cord to the light display and starts to plug it in.
"HEY, you can't do that! You need a left-handed Jewish Union Electrician to plug it in and a right-handed Gentile Union Electrician to flip the 'ON' switch."
"What??? Where are they?"
"Lefty, the right-handed GUE is coming in his stretch limo. He'll be here soon. BillyBob, the left-handed JUE is arriving in his Porsche in about fifteen minutes."
"Curly, go get something to eat," suggests Moe.
"Sure."
Moe holds up a ragged coat. "What's this?"
Larry, "My coat."
Moe rifles the pockets and finds a small item.
"Hmmm. If I press this..."
"Heh heh," chortles Larry. "You found my magician's zapper."
About an hour later Curly shows up with catsup on the side of his mouth.
"Where were you?"
"I went out and got a burger and fries."
Moe eye pokes him.
"Ok, ok"
Curly starts to walk in back of the display booth when he trips over a box of printer cartridges. Several of them fall out on the floor. Curly unwraps one.
"I wonder that these are? Hmmmmm. Good!"
Curly starts licking the green ink.
"Mmmmm! This is good. I'll bet customers will like these," thinks Curly.
Curly sneaks back to the booth with some "slurpees"
"Pssst. Hey, Larry. Have a slurpee." Curly hands a couple of them over.
"Thanks, Curly!" whispers Larry.
Larry opens the package and slurps one down fast then goes out to meet customers. His mouth is covered with ink. The visitors out front start politely smirking, which turns into a roar of laughter. Everyone is pointing at Mr. Greenmouth. Larry realizes they are laughing at him, not with him, and runs backstage.
"Hey, Curly, come here," calls Larry, holding a mallet behind his back.
"Ooohoooo! Hi Mr. Greenmouth!"
"Bye Mr. Sorehead," replies Larry with a mallet to Curly's head.
Moe comes to the back of the booth, looking a bit ragged.
Moe asks Curly: "Go out and placate the crowd. I have to prepare a demonstration."
"Who are we protesting against?"
Moe conks Curly on the head with a printer.
"Ok, Moe. I'm on it."
Curly strolls out in front of about fifty people gathered around a new printer.
"Well..." announces Curly, pointing to the printer and scanning the crowd. "It prints. Any questions?"
"On transparencies?" comes a reply.
"No, you moron, not see-through clothes. See-through papers."
Another wise guy tries: "How fast does it print?"
"As fast as it can put down the letters," answers Einstein.
"Any more questions?"
Curly waits 5 milliseconds.
"Ok. Bye." Curly runs off stage behind the display.
"Hey, Moe. Be careful. That is a tough audience."
Moe is confident. "I'll wow them with my demo."
Moe is ready for his presentation.
"Laaaaadies and Gentlemen. Gather around. Why this printer prints on anything! Observe." Moe yanks a silk tie with gold trim off a geek standing in front. "Watch this."
"Hey, gimme back my tie!"
"Quiet, Mr. Clean. You're the involuntary volunteer. Here, go wax your head." Moe tosses MC a bottle of Turtle Wax.
"I place the tie in the printer like this..." Moe stuffs the tie in the printer.
"And press 'print' like this..."
The printer starts printing but smoke bellows out the air vents and gets jammed up with a shredded tie. Moe pulls out a bunch of fibers.
Mr. Clean: "You imbecile! Look at my $500 tie."
"Shaddup, baldy. Go away, you're bothering me." Moe shoves the nuisance continues his sales pitch.
"What about my tie?"
"Here are some coupons for Round Table Pizza. Now get lost, cue ball!"
Moe eye pokes him and kicks him in the rear.
Larry and Curly are hiding behind a show table that is covered with a blue cloth. They are waiting for Moe to finish his demo.
"Pssssst! Curly! We'd better set up for the puppet show and rescue Moe."
"Puppet show?"
"Yeah, why else would this table be covered?" whispers Larry.
Curly agrees. "You're right."
Moe is busy showing print samples to a crowd when suddenly...
Puppet1 appears: "Hey, onionhead!"
Puppet2 pops up and bites puppet1 in the nose. "Yeeeeoooowww! What was that for?"
"That's in case you do something wrong. Now operate the printer!"
Puppet1 (which looks like Larry) bounces over to the printer. "This is so easy, a puppet can operate it!"
Puppet2 (which looks like Curly) "So, operate it," picking up a conduit pipe and conking Puppet1 on the head.
Puppet1 pounds the keys on the computer and a beautiful picture of Yosemite National Park starts to print out. The crowd ooohs and aaaahs, moving up closer to the puppet show. Moe looks around and spies the puppets.
Moe mumbles to himself: "Those bozos are stealing my thunder. I'll fix them."
He walks over to the puppets and says: "Hi puppets. I have a new crowbar for you."
Puppet1 is excited: "Oh, goodie! Candy. Let me have it!"
Moe conks puppet1 with a crowbar. The crowd boos Moe; in fact they come up to him and start poking his eyes and ripping his hair out and stomping his feet.
"Stop. STOP. I'll make it up to him," cries Moe. The mob (by this time) lets him go. Moe tiptoes up to the puppets to apologize.
"I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up?"
"This!" Puppet2 takes the pipe from Moe and conks him on the head with it. Puppet1 bites him in the nose. Puppet2 grabs his ear and pulls it.
Moe is steaming. He turns and looks at the throng of people...they just glare back at him.
"Please, hit me again!" pleads Moe.
"Soitenly" Puppet2 conks him again with a pipe. The crowd roars with laughter.
Moe says to himself: "Soitenly? I've heard that voice before." Moe picks up the crowbar, goes behind the table and conks his partners on the head.
"Now get out there and answer questions!!! Savvy?"
"Right away, boss." Curly and Larry stand up and run over to their booth positions.
MLC are standing behind PH's booth, ready to answer questions.
Curly goes out in the crowd and snags a beautiful babe by the arm. "C'mon up. We need you for a minute."
Her boyfriend is hopping mad: "Bring back my girl, you hoss thief!"
Curly ignores him and drags babe up on stage.
Curly assures the crowd: "This printer is so easy to operate, that this bimbo can do it."
<Wham!!!> Babe smashes the printer over Curly's head and storms offstage to rejoin her boyfriend.
"What went wrong?" asks a woozy Curly.
"How dare you step on my toe!" she yells back.
Curly recovers from his failed demo and starts answering questions.
Visitor inquires: "Can I print my company's logo on a burrito?"
"Didn't you learned to print in second grade?" is Curly's curt reply.
Another visitor asks: "Is your ink water soluble?"
Larry answers this one: "I don't know, but it tastes good."
A doofus asks: "Can I have a free pen?"
Moe answers: "I'll give you two," showing the victim two fingers.
"Oh boy, let me have them," squeals doofus, bouncing up and down like a jack-in-the-box.
Moe winds up and eye pokes him. "Get outta here, you freeloader."
Everything is going well for PH's contractors. There have been hundreds of visitors to the booth to see the latest printers and accessories. Every day isn't sunny, though...
An incensed HeadUnionMan, along with several hoods, arrive at PH's booth. The crowd disperses VERY quickly. The goons have pipes and ball bats...and they are not here for opening day at Wrigley Field!
Hood2, in a sleeveless old sweatshirt showing a tattoo of 'Mom' on his left arm and muscles the size of tree trunks, stares at Larry and asks him: "Can this print out medical records?"
Larry nervously looks around. "Wha wha why, yes it can."
Hood4, gnawing on a bicycle chain, fondles a printer while glaring at Curly and asks him: "Can this printer withstand, say, a smash on a human skull?"
Curly is sweating bullets. "Ahh Ah I believe so," he answers ever so quietly.
Gorilla picks up a scanner and asks, "Can this scan in pictures with blood on them?"
Moe gulps, "Um, I believe so."
HeadUnionMan speaks up: "Youse guys thought you got rid of me. I didn't appreciate my trip to Cucamonga."
"What are you complaining about? It was paid for, wasn't it?" retorts Moe, ever the wise guy.
"Yeah, but I was in 3rd class - boxed up like a hat and no room service. Get them, boys!"
"Whoooaaaaa" The Stooges start running from their assailants.
"Hey, you're shoe is untied," says Moe, pointing upward, to one of the hoods.
"Duh, I'm not falling for that," replies the hood, looking down.
Curly gets another one...
HeadUnionMan swings a bat at Moe's head but Moe ducks.
"I'll get you," HUM stalks toward Moe. Moe grabs an ink cartridge and squeezes it with pliers. It squirts HUM in the face.
"I can't see. I can't see!" yells HeadUnionMan, standing with his arms stretched out, feeling for a towel.
"I'll fix that." Moe pokes him in the eyes like a machine gun.
Goon chases Larry near a phone booth. He starts to rear back and punch Larry when Larry picks up the phone.
"It's for you."
"Gee, thanks!" Goon answers the phone. "Hello?"
"Goodbye!" Larry conks him on the head with a lead pipe.
Hood3 grabs a thoroughly frightened Moe by the shirt and is ready to beat the stuffing out of him when "YEEEOOOWWWW. OWWWW!" Curly had crawled up to him and pounds his foot with a maul. Hood3 starts dancing around on one foot. Curly and Larry start dancing like Russians. Moe tells Hood3: "The song is over," then smacks him on the head with a toolbox.
"Well, we got them all," announces Moe.
"What'll we do with them?" asks Larry.
"I'll call the police."
Moe pushes and shoves his way to the phone booth area of Comdex. After a several minute wait, Moe picks up the phone and dials 911.
"911."
"Yes, we have an emergency at..."
A scratchy sound signals the beginning of elevator music.
After a fifteen minute wait the dispatcher is back on the phone.
"Sorry, I had an emergency. What can I do for you?"
Moe lambastes her.
A little later the police arrive...
The burly Officer Danz scans the area then looks down at HeadUnionMan. "Bill, what happened?"
"Bill?" exclaim the Stooges in unison.
"Yeah, he's my brother." OD crouches down, shakes Bill a little to awaken him, and then gives him a little water.
Shemp says to Moe in a low voice, "I think our welcome is unwelcome."
MLC start to sneak away as the cops review the scene. The cops all stare at MLC then start walking toward them with their Billy clubs withdrawn.
"Hey Moe, those cops are walking toward where you are," whispers Larry.
"You mean where I was." Moe takes off running with Curly, Larry, and the cops close behind out of the convention center and down Paradice Avenue...
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© Feb 2001