203 - Dear Labby

Moe, Larry, and Shemp go on the road to fix a medical lab instrument.

Scene I

The boys work for "Nichols and Dimes Lab Instruments" as instrument repairmen. They are in the boss's office getting instructions for their first assignment.

Peter Piper, the pickled pipette procurement placement picker pipes up: "Boys, this is your first assignment."

Larry (under his breath): "And probably our last...Oucchhh!"

Moe steps on Larry's foot.

"The client's name is APE: Associated Phixers of Everything. They are located in WoeBeGone, Washington."

"Where's that?"

"Near Walla Walla," replies Pete.

Shemp, "Which Walla? I'm sure there are lots of wallas in WoeBeGone. Do we meet near the north walla?"

"You numskull. Walla Walla is a town in Washington where they make walls. Your contact name is Dr. Everclear. Meet him tomorrow in APE's lobby."

"Oh boy, we're gonna be lobbyists," says a gleeful Shemp jumping up and down like a Mexican jumping bean, his hair flopping in time.

Moe sticks his pinky in Shemp's nose. "C'mon mongoose." Moe drags Shemp out the door. Shemp follows close behind: "oww oww oww"

Larry stands by the desk looking out the window. Moe goes back in and drags Larry out by the hair.

Larry (as he's being dragged by his locks): "Goodbye Boss Hoss. We'll be back sooner or later with a potater and a kitchen grater..."

PP: "Shaddup already! You should be in Las Vegas at an old folk's home performing as a rhymer. Now get on along and sing a song before you meet King Kong...Aaaaaa! Now I'm doing it!"

Pete bangs his head slowly on his desk.

Side note:

We met an old guy with his hot date in a Las Vegas restaurant who only talked in rhymes. He was pretty funny but probably was having a vaudeville flashback. I'm not sure if she answered him in rhymes - she never uttered a word.

Scene II

MLS are driving to the client's site on I-84.

The ever-helpful Larry spies someone pulled over to the side of the road with his car hood raised, "Hey Moe, that person has car trouble. Let's stop and help."

"Ok."

Moe pulls the car behind the stranded car. All three of the Stooges get out to help.

"Can you jump my car?" asks the tired motorist.

"I don't know," Shemp eyes the car up and down. "...it looks pretty high."

Moe kicks Shemp in the behind. "Oww"

"Yeah, do you have the jumper cables?" asks Moe.

"Sure. My side is already connected," assures the motorist as he hands the other end to Shemp. Shemp walks over to Moe's car and opens the hood.

Moe yells to Shemp: "Ok, Shemp. Connect the cables."

Shemp looks at the cable ends then connects them together!

This causes a short circuit at the other end, which ignites battery fumes causing an explosion with a lot of smoke. Moe comes staggering out of the thick cloud of fumes, black as coal, and in a daze.

"What happened?" he asks, trying to regain his senses.

Shemp stutters: "Um. A dive bomber blasted the car."

Moe is suspicious. Just as he's ready to pound Shemp, the motorist aimlessly wanders out of the smoke with his clothes all torn up.

"Yaaaaa! Lets get outta here!"

MLS jump in their car and leave fast, spraying pebbles and mud all over the poor motorist.

After a few minutes...

Moe glances over his shoulder and remarks, "That last incident made me hungry. Let's get some food."

Shemp: "I saw a place that we could get some excellent wild game."

"Really?" asks Moe.

Shemp nods over his right shoulder, "Yes. Back there. The sign said 'Fine for Hunting'"

Moe twists Shemp's ear like a ratchet.

Moe: "We can go to KingKong Burger. I like their milk shakes."

"Ok." Larry pulls the car off the next exit and into the burger joint.

MLS load up on burgers and drinks. Moe is now driving.

After a few hours of AM radio...

"Hey Moe. I've had too much coffee," says Shemp.

"Ok, I'll pull over in a little while.

After about fifteen minutes...

Shemp nervously bounces up and down in his seat and points, "Moe, there's a place! Pull over. Pull OVER."

Moe pulls up. Before the car comes to a complete stop, Shemp flings the door open and leaps out.

"Hey! Hey, you! What are you doing? That's a toll booth, you imbecile!" TollMan starts running across several lanes of traffic yelling into a walkie-talkie and shaking his fist at them.

Moe rolls down the window and yells: "Shemp, get in. We gotta get out of here!"

Shemp runs around to the passenger side and quickly gets in just as TollMan gets to the driver's side of the car.

"Do you know what your buddy just did?"

"Yes." Moe stomps on the gas and runs over TollMan's feet, leaving tread marks on his Nikes. He watches Tollman in the rear view mirror throw down his walkie-talkie and stomp it into a million pieces.

After a few minutes of the escape...

"Why was the bellhop so mad?" asks Shemp.

"He probably expected a tip."

Scene III

Shemp is driving.

"There's a poor hitchhiker. Let's give him a ride."

"I don't know, he looks suspicious," says Larry, eyeing him over.

"Three against one. He can't do anything."

Shemp pulls over to let the hitchhiker in, but he has vanished!

Poor Shemp quickly looks around, "Moe! Moe, that guy disappeared. I think he's a ghost...or Houdini!"

Moe eye pokes Shemp. "You creep. You ran over him. He's under the car. Now go out and drag him in here!"

Larry and Shemp get out and look under the car. Sure enough, there the bum lies. They drag him out and put him in the back seat.

"Are you ok, mister?" asks Moe.

"Yeah, I'll be all right." HH brushes himself off and picks out a few rocks from his hair as Shemp starts driving again. After about an hour, HH reaches in his backpack and pulls out a huge gun.

Waving the weapon at everyone, HH makes his demand: "OK, we're going to Montana."

Shemp laughs and points at the 44. "That thing isn't loaded."

HH shoots out the window next to Larry.

The Stooges look at each other with eyes wide open. Larry's hair stands on end.

Larry sobs: "My new car!"

"We're going to Montana aren't we?" quizzes HH.

MLS look at each other and nod frenetically, "yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."

Shemp asks HH: "Can I sing?"

HH: "I don't know. I've never heard you."

Shemp starts humming a lullaby. Larry falls off asleep almost immediately and starts snoring. HH starts to nod off. Finally he's asleep. Moe grabs the gun from HH. HH wakes up suddenly. Moe eye pokes him with his free hand.

"Get out of the car." Moe demands.

HH: "But..."

"Shaddup! Get out or you'll get out as a corpse." Moe fires a warning shot through the roof.

Larry: "You put a hole in my car!"

Moe socks Larry with the gun butt. "Quiet, titmouse!"

Moe retorts: "Should I have put one in you?"

Larry is taken aback. "Uh, no."

Moe gets back to business: "Now get out HH!"

HH opens the door and jumps out. His head bangs against the side of the car during his egress.

"Moe you were a little hard on him. Making him get out of the car while it's doing 60 mph."

Later...

"Hey, Moe. Pull into that rest stop ahead."

Shemp runs up to the bathroom while Larry cleans the trash out of his car. Larry has a frown on his face as he keeps glancing over at the bullet holes in the window and the roof. Moe wanders around on a nearby grassy knoll, enjoying the sun, then lights up a cigarette.

Each urinal has a device that detects when a person leaves then flushes accordingly. Shemp and a Jap are standing minding their own business, doing their thing. Jap finishes first. Jap looks around, very confused then he asks Shemp: "How you flush toilet?"

"Ruufff!" Shemp barks at the toilet and walks away as it is flushing, He snickers when he hears a faint "ruuff" as he leaves the men's room.

Side note:

This scene happened to me twice in airport bathrooms.

Scene IV

MLS arrive at the client's site in WoeBeGone.

Toad (he has a picture of one on his shirt) the tech brings the repairmen to the instrument, "This thing is not mixing reagent correctly with the patient sample."

Moe looks the machine over and does a few "hmmm"s as he opens access doors.

Moe tells Shemp and Larry he has to fix a few mechanical things. He mounts a vise on a table and takes out his tools.

"Hey Shemp, help me with this. I'll put this thing in the vise. When I say 'go' you tighten it. OK?"

"Ok. You can count on me."

Moe puts the device in the vise and hand tightens it a bit. He's holding the piece in the vise when:

"Hey, Moe. Where do you want to eat lunch?" yells Larry across the room.

"We can go to... YEEOOOOWWWW. Undo this thing! Owwww! Hurry! Ouchh!"

"You said 'go' and I did what you said - I tightened it."

Moe kicks Shemp in the shin. "Let me out, you turniphead! Owww. Turn it to the left."

Shemp tightens the vise.
Moe cries out louder: "OOWwwww! You imbecile! Turn it to the other left. Ooooo"

Shemp loosens up the vise so Moe can get his hand out. It has vise marks on the outside of his right hand. He shows his injured hand to Shemp.

"Look at this hand!"

"What are you complaining about? You have another one."

Moe, "Yeah, for this!" He punches Shemp in the eye.

After a few hours of "fixing" the lab instrument...

"Well, I think it is ready so we need to test it. Where can we get a blood sample?"

Moe and Larry both look at Shemp.

Shemp backs up a few steps, "I'm anemic."

"Shemp, how would you like to be patriotic?" Moe salutes him.

"Yes SIR!" Private Shemp salutes back.

"Stick out your arm, like so." Moe shows him...

Phlebotomist Larry jabs a needle in his arm and starts drawing blood.

"yeeeooowww!!"

Larry: "Oops, wrong arm; but we did get a sample." Larry hands the tech a tube of Moe's blood.

Toad: "The blood needs to be spun down."

"What?"

"Put on a centrifuge so the red cells separate..."

"I don't want fudge."

"Put on a merry-go-round, you idiots."

"Oh"

Tech spins the blood down while MLS continue working. Moe opens a small access door and reaches inside the instrument. "I think I found a loose part." Moe yanks his hand out with a rattrap on the end of it.

"YEEOOOWWW Ohhh. Take this off!"

Shemp removes the trap from the grimacing Moe.

Toad apologizes, "We have mice here. Sorry."

Larry laughs and points to Moe: "And big rats, too."

Moe conks Larry on the head with the rattrap. "And porcupines"

Larry picks up a bottle of red liquid. "Oh, choo-choo cherry Kool-Aid." Shemp grabs the bottle and takes a swig. "Phewww." He spits it out.

"You left out the sugar. That Kool-Aid is awful."

Tech: "You dope. That is reagent for mixing with the sample during testing."

Larry is behind the instrument glazing over all the switches and pipes.

"Here's the problem! The reagent mixing switch is turned off. I'll turn it on."

Larry flicks the switch to 'on'.

"Ready for testing!"

Tech: "It looks like things are working. Now we can..."

Moe, Larry, and Shemp have gathered up their things (shown in fast motion) race to the company van, leap inside, and drive off, leaving a cloud of dust behind.

Scene V

MLS leave the client's site

Scene VI

MLS continue driving home. They have reached the peak of the Siskiyou mountains and are starting the long descent toward Roseburg, Oregon.

Moe is fiddling around with his cigarette pack and trying to drive at the same time. "Oops, I dropped my cigarettes. Could you get them Shemp? They rolled under the dash."

"Sure." Shemp crouches down and crawls around underneath the dashboard.

"Quit nudging my leg," Moe kicks Shemp in the head. Shemp seizes the opportunity and bites Moe in the ankle.

"Yeeooowww! My foot." Moe squashes Shemp's head against the floorboard.

Shemp rolls up Moe's pant leg and pulls out his leg hair. "She loves me" "She loves me not"

"Ouuch!" squeals Moe.

Larry kicks Shemp in the pants. "Find those cigarettes!"

Moe backhands Larry and slaps his face. "Stay out of this, brushbrain."

Shemp finds the cigs: "I found them, Moe. They are wedged under a lever. I'll get them. No lever has never, ever conquered the ever clever Shemp."

"Atta boy, Shemp. Go get it!" cheers Coach Larry, waving a "State" pennant.

Shemp emerges from under the dash victorious and proudly presents Moe with the cigarette pack.

"Here ya go, Moe."

"Thanks, genius."

Shemp looks at the piece of metal that he tore out from under the dash.

He says softly: "Wonder what this piece of junk is?" Then he tosses it out the window.

Moe reaches for the parts but cannot get them as they sail out the window. "You moron! That's the brake pedal!"

The speedometer tops 90 mph as Moe struggles to keep the car from going over the side of the mountain.

Shemp corrects him: "Can't you speak good English? That is the broken pedal, not the brake pedal. Are you three years old?"

Moe turns and shows him two fingers: "I'm two." Then he winds up and eye pokes Shemp.

Larry's eyes are wide open watching the mountain scenery pass by the window at an ever-increasing pace. "How are we gonna stop?" says the frightened Larry clutching to the window.

Moe is trying to keep the car under control: "Shut up. We'll worry about that when we have to stop."

The car picks up speed as it races down the 6% grade.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" scream all three.

After a few harrowing minutes, Moe jerks the car onto a runaway truck ramp. The car plows into the bed of sand and pebbles and finally comes to a stop about ten feet from the end of a cliff. MLS are sweating profusely.

"Whoaa. That was a close call," says a relieved Larry wiping his damp forehead.

Shemp did his part: "I tried to stop the car by pushing the auxiliary brake pedal."

Moe eye pokes him: "That was the accelerator. Here is some advice."

"What?"

"This" Moe pulls out a clump of Larry's hair.

"Ooooowwww! Why did you pick on me?" asks Larry.

"I wanted to show Shemp what would happen to him if he screwed up."

"How are we going to get home?" stammers Larry.

Scene VII

Fortunately for our heroes, a police car pulls up a few minutes after the incident.

Officer Keystone steps out: "You boys need a ride?"

"Yes sir."

"I'm Officer Keystone. Call me OK"

"OK" chimes in Shemp.
OK: "What?"

Moe: "We just agreed with you."

OK: "OK"

Shemp, "What?"

OK, "I just agreed with you."

MLS shake their collective heads then get in the front seat.

OK: "Could two of you get in the back with Fifi?"

"Fifi?"

"The police dog. Don't worry, he's friendly." Moe and Larry reluctantly climb in the back while Shemp sits down in the passenger seat.<rrrriiiipppp>

OK glances over: "What was that?"

Shemp: "Ooops. I have a screwdriver in my back pocket."

OK looks over at the seat: "You tore a hole in the seat cover!"

Moe, "Whatever."

OK, "He's my cousin."

"Who?"

"He's my brother."

"Who?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"He's my second cousin."

"Oh, brother."

"No, my cousin."

"Oooh, a squirt gun!" Shemp leans over then pulls the trigger.

The vertically mounted shotgun blows a hole the size of a basketball in the roof.

OK is mad: "You idiot!"

Larry: "What are you complaining about? You have a free moon roof."

Moe grabs OK's nightstick and conks Larry on the head.

Moe hands it back: "Thanks, OK."

OK: "OK."

Shemp: "Ok, what?"

OK: "Not that again," and conks Shemp on the head with his nightstick.

Fifi starts growling.

"Nice doggy." Larry suspiciously pets Fifi but he lets loose with a chomp on the hand.

"Owwww! He bit me," cries Larry.

The police radio starts up with some action.

"We have a 10-33 in progress at the corner of 3^rd and Main. All cars in the vicinity..."

Shemp grabs the mike.

"Hello? Is this Maid-out-of-a-Box? I want to order a burger and fries. Hold the mustard."

OK conks Shemp on the head with his fist.

Larry grabs the mike from Shemp, cocks his head back like Frank Sinatra and starts crooning: "When I was young..."

OK rips the mike cord out of the radio. "You clods! That isn't a CB radio. I'm going to get in a lot of trouble."

Larry: "I'm sorry. Was I off-key?"

Shemp shifts around in his seat and bumps the gearshift into reverse. The police car slowly backs up and pushes Larry's car off the cliff.

"My car!" cries Larry as he watches it tumble down the side of the 1000 foot escarpment.

In the process, the back bumper is torn off the cop car. The Keystone Cop stomps on the brake before they go off the cliff and shifts into park.

OK starts weeping: "We haven't traveled ten feet and I have a broken radio, a hole in my roof, a mad dog, a torn seat, and a missing bumper. I'll never make retirement. waaaahhhh!"

MLS console Officer Keystone. "There, there. We'll help you out."

OK: "WAAAAHHHH!!!"

Short #203

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