205 - Farmer in the Deli
Moe, Larry, and Curly - grocery experts
Scene I
Moe, Larry, and Curly are getting an exit interview at a SuperDuperValu grocery store in Minonk, Illinois.
"I'll get you if it's the last thing I ever do!!!"
Larry, Moe, and Curly are huddled near the deli. Curly points to a madman down a few isles: "Uh, oh. Hear comes Mr. Super with a ball bat and look! Mr. Duper has a tire iron!"
Larry: "Let's scram!"
MLC run down the isle, knocking over shoppers and shopping carts then dash out the front door and are last seen running west on Devon Street. Mr. Duper goes after them for a few blocks but tires and gives up the chase. Mr. Super follows a few more blocks but years of tailgate parties catch up to him and he quits. Duper walks around a little bit to recover his breath then
Scene II
MLC reconvene at Clem's Coffee Shop a few hours later. They are sitting at a window table recalling their short career at SuperDuperValu.
Larry sighs. "That grocery job did not last long."
Curly defends himself: "All I did was try to cut costs and we get canned."
"Yeah, but you don't know how to hatch eggs."
Curly explains, "A hen sits on them. Why can't I?"
"Because you don't have feathers, you featherbrain."
"He IS a chicken."
Curly shoves his chair aside, gets in a boxing stance and dances around like a prizefighter: "I ain't afraid of you! C'mon, put 'em up. I'll win!"
Moe stands coolly in front of Curly and points out: "The ends of your fingers are dirty."
Curly pauses for a minute. "Oh, they are??"
Curly looks at the end of his fingers. Moe pushes his arm so he ends up poking himself in the eyes. <doink!>
"Ohhh. Trying to sneak one in on me!"
Curly continues to shadowbox then lets Moe have it with a right uppercut.
Moe turns around and seats himself. "The only guy I know who loses a boxing match to his own shadow.
"YOU!" Moe glares at Larry: "Your time-saving idea was no good, either."
Larry defends himself: "What's wrong with precooked TV dinners? It saves the customer time."
"Yeah. You threw 300 dinners in a kettle of boiling water in the middle of the store. I don't think the customers liked having their dinners served by a moron donning a welding mask."
"They were hot."
"The fire you built under the Nigerian missionary pot melted the tile and set off the smoke alarm."
Larry, "I bought the pot for half price - only used once."
Moe pulls out a clump of Larry's hair.
Moe turns back and goes after Curly again.
"Your idea didn't work out either. Serving eggs and powdered bacon in the deli."
"You're just jealous."
"That poor Susan, nice lady...was trying to incorporate your moronic idea."
"You know I can't read good. I got a box of powdered bacon and poured it on the eggs."
"But it turned out you were using bakin' powder."
Curly chuckles: "What's wrong with that? You can eat and whiten your teeth at the same time!"
Moe: "Laugh this off, funny man."
Larry smiles as wide as Moon River, "How about my luminous idea to eliminate bellhops carrying out bags to customer's cars?"
"Oh, yeah. That went over great until you ran the forklift through Cindy's car window."
"I had to avoid hitting the lady with the baby carriage."
"Whoever heard of using a forklift to carry out grocery carts to cars?"
"Why not? That way I can carry three customer's carts out at the same time. Makes it easy."
"How about two?" Moe holds up two fingers.
"That's easier!"
"You're right."
Larry gets an eyeful of fingers.
Larry reminds everyone they need to find a job or else they eat their next burger at Garbage Can Inn.
Curly turns on his red stool and wags his finger toward the side of the cafe. "I saw a 'help wanted' sign in a grocery store window a few blocks away. Maybe we can..."
Moe immediately grabs Larry by the ear and Curly by the schnozzle and drags them out of Clems.
"You're going to work."
Scene III
MLC are interviewing at the IGA food store.
Ignatz G. Armstrong: "I'm the founder of the IGA food stores. I need someone to help me improve my bottom line."
Curly: "Why don't you go on a diet?"
IGA stands up and leans on his desk: "No, you dope. I mean I need to reduce my grocery costs."
Curly: "Why don't you use coupons?"
Moe picks up a nearby crowbar and
"Thanks." IGA wanders around the room, "Gentlemen, what are your qualifications?"
Moe: "I've eaten food. I'm qualified."
Larry: "I've carried groceries. I'm qualified, too."
Curly: "I'm qualified three. I've dilly-dallied in the deli with Delilah."
IGA strokes his nubbley salt-and-pepper chin, "This is against my better judgment but Ok. You are hired. Curly, you're on deli duty. Moe, you're the new buyer. Larry, you're in receiving."
Curly: "Oh good! Fired and hired by the same jerk."
IGA: "What?"
Moe: "He said he's fired up to go to work."
IGA: "Oh, ok."
IGA looks at his watch. "Curly! Go meet Susan in the deli. She is here to help set up operations. Pay attention to her. She's good."
Curly gets up to go out the door and
IGA brushes himself off: "Why don't you look where you're going?"
Curly: "Why don't you go where you're looking?"
IGA: "A wiseguy."
IGA throws his hands in the air and screams: "GO TO WORK!"
MLC run around then crash through IG's door on their way to their stations.
Scene IV
Curly cannot find Susan so he is in the back of the deli munching on a chicken.
Curly verbally pats himself on the back, "Yummm. This is good. I'm gonna like this job."
"Put that down! You'll eat up all the profits."
Curly drops his snack. "You must be Susan."
Susan: "Yes, I am. And you must be Curly. I've been looking for you."
"You have?"
"Yes. You must be the missing link."
"No, I'm the found link. Curly G. Link"
"What's the G stand for?"
"Golf"
"Oh, golf link."
"My cousin is Bob O. Link. The family birdbrain."
"Oh."
"My sister Chia, who we call Chain because of the loops she puts in her long hair, married my friend Freddy "the Fence" Fendor. Her name is Chain Link-Fence."
Susan shakes her head. "Sounds like you have an interesting family."
Susan thinks to herself: "I've got to get out of this business if this is the best of the lot."
"Do you want to hear about my brother Sam that works at Jimmy Deans? We call him Sausage Link. There's my brother link n log who..."
"STOP IT ALREADY! I've helped you set up your station. You're in charge of the deli. Are you sure you know what to do?"
Curly: "Soitenly. The customer tells us what they want and I deliver. Easy as 1,2, um. Hmmm. 1,2...I knew it last week."
Susan rolls her eyes: "Three."
"Yeah, three. I'd better write it down. This job is tough."
Scene V
The back loading dock where the only truck entrance garage door is up, letting in fresh air to the back room. Pallets full of items are everywhere.
Larry sees the first thing he has to do: clear the dock of extraneous pallets.
"Hello? Union Specific Railroad? Come to IGA and pick up a bunch of junk on the loading dock and return it."
"I know your motto: Be pacific. Ship Union Specific."
"No, my name is not spelled M-O-R-O-N. It is L-A-R-R-Y."
"You say you will pick up between eight and eleven. Great! I'll wait."
"Eight A.M. Monday and eleven A.M. Thursday. Ok. Bye."
back in the deli...
A little old lady pushes her squeaky grocery cart up to the deli counter. She eyes over the wares again, and again, and again then in a quivering voice she orders: "Weeell. I'll have a pound of fish."
Curly is daydreaming. Susan gives him a gentle shove: "Hey, onionhead. Go help that lady."
"That's no lady! That's my crabby neighbor."
Susan dryly says: "Go help her anyway."
Curly walks up to the counter and leans over. His stomach dips into some barbeque sauce. "Jeeeze. I'm too rotund for this job."
Curly gets a swift kick in the pants. "Ok, ok. I'll help her."
"What do you want Mrs. Dragon?"
"My name is Mrs. Drakkin."
Mrs. Drakkin bends over the counter grabs Curly's nose and twists it like a ratchet: "Listen, sonny. Don't smart off to me. I want some fish."
"Ok, I'll go in back and get some."
After a few minutes, Curly appears with a wrapped package.
"Here ya go you old bat." Curly hands the package over.
Mrs. Drakkin snatches it from Curly then opens it.
"Hey! Where's the fish? All I see is bones."
Curly laughs, "It's a skeletonfish."
Mrs. D: "OOOhhh, fiddletwigs." She throws the package at Curly and storms away.
Susan: "You failed your first test. What would Moe do in this situation?"
Curly: "He'd poke me in the eyes and hit me in the stomach."
"Ok."
"Now I feel at home," says Curly, recovering from his indoctrination. He picks up a chicken leg and hands it to Susan.
"Here, a token of my appreciation."
"I don't like chicken."
"Why not?"
"It leaves a fowl taste in my mouth."
Susan leans over and whispers to Curly: "Here comes another customer. Remember what I told you."
Curly bows and conks his head on the deli countertop.
SuperCindy(tm) adjusts her cape: "Yep. That's me. I need a half-pound of shrimp."
Curly grabs a trowel and scoops up some shrimp. He weighs it then wraps it and gives it to SuperCindy (tm). She suspiciously unwraps it to inspect it.
"Hey. These are the smallest shrimps I've ever seen."
"They are shrimp shrimp. 244 to the pound."
She throws the shrimp in Curly's face and leaves without saying a word.
Susan makes a few marks on a clipboard: "More demerits.You are not doing well."
In the back office...
IGA, "Mr. Moe. We have a truckload of food on the dock. Go count it and make sure everything is in order."
"Ok, boss."
Moe stands up, straightens his tie, picks lint off his shirt, rebuckles his belt, ties his loafer, brushes off his pants, rolls up lint on his seat,
"NOW!"
Business is slow. Curly is munching on another chicken when Mr. I.J. Kay storms up to the deli counter, slams down a bag, and demands: "I want to return these."
"Why?"
IJK: "They are awful. They taste like dead fish."
Curly looks at them: "They are. They are breaded fish skins."
"Yeeccchh" IJK throws them on the ground and stomps on them and grinds them under his heel.
"That is what I think of your breaded fish skins." He leaves as he came in - mad.
Susan, who is watching from the shadows, runs up to Curly: "What kind of imbecile are you? Why did you sell that man breaded fish skins?"
Curly: "You inspired me. I saw you make up potato skins with scrap potatoes. I'm a frugal man. Why waste fish skins I tell myself. Therefore, I came up with breaded fish skins out of scrap fish. Want some?"
Susan freaks. "Uh oh. What did you put in the peach cobbler I sold at the policeman's ball?"
"Peaches and cobs."
"Cobs?" Susan is taken aback. "Where did you get cobs?"
"In the cornfield out back. Don't worry. I peeled off the yellow things."
Susan cannot believe it. She picks up a metal bucket and hits Curly on the head.
Curly rubs his head: "You treat me like I'm a moron."
Susan: "You're not only a moron. You are stupid, idiotic, imbecilic, lazy, indolent, and cloddish."
Curly blushes: "I haven't heard so many adjectives since the day I was born."
"Go back and get the chicken ready. The night crowd eats a lot of it."
Curly hurries in back to prepare the chickens.
Scene VI
Camera pans the back of the store. Larry is staring at the pallets of cereal he needs to unload and stock.
Larry ponders ways to get out of the job at hand.
"Hmmm. I know. This would take all night...but I got a great idea."
Larry gets a forklift and dumps all the cereal in a huge, very used, green garbage bin.
"Now all I have to do is tow the bin to the cereal isle - only one trip instead of many. Boy am I smart. I'm all set. I'll probably get a raise for this. And maybe I'll be in Who's Who. Or as Moe suggested What's That."
Larry leaves to find a way to tow the bin to isle 4.
Back at the deli...
Curly pushes out a cart full of prepared chickens.
Susan holds a chicken up to the light and inspects his work: "These look good. Nice and brown. Maybe you are learning."
Mrs. D.O. Anthill pushes her nearly full cart to the deli counter.
"Oh. Those chickens look delectable."
Curly is insulted. "Hey! My chickens are good to eat."
"I'll take two of them."
Curly bags them up, seals them, and hands it to DOA.
"Here you go ma'am." Curly slightly bows.
DOA tosses the chickens in her cart and continues shopping.
In IGA's office...
IGA is seated in his plush executive chair with a green accountant light glowing on his desk and is going over the bills.
His face frowns then turns red: "What the? MOOOE! Get in here!"
Moe drops a few boxes of Bisquick in isle 8 then runs into the office. "What is it, IG?"
"Why are these checks made out to Red Fox Grocery? They are the competitors!"
Moe explains his genius: "That's where I buy the produce. Let them do all the legwork. I go buy their fruits and vegetables when it is fresh. Pretty smart! They were real happy to sell it in such quantity."
IGA stands up and slams down the papers: "You dolt! You paid retail price."
"No I didn't. I was reeeaal smart. I bought several Sunday papers, took the coupons out, and used them."
IGA is steaming! "The paper costs $2.50. The coupons for produce save $1.35. Do the math."
Moe blushes. "I did. If you take the trend of newspapers over a five year period then divide the sheets per publication and multiply by the coupons used per square and finalize it by doubling it, you get your answer."
"Where did you learn that type of math?"
"When I sold used cars."
"How many papers did you buy???"
Moe shuffles through his pockets and hands IGA a slip of paper. "Here's the receipt for 300 papers."
IGA: "Don't tell me. You got those from Red Fox, too."
Moe: "Yep. Heehee. They only charged me for 298. I got the best of them!"
IGA hangs his head and shakes it slowly. He lights up his favorite pipe and puffs like a steam engine.
Mrs. DOA is back at the deli and is she hopping mad!
"That chicken was awful. What kind of coating did you use?"
"Which version did you buy?"
"I bought the V special"
Curly: "V is for varnish. I sealed them so they would not spoil."
DOA throws the other chicken at Curly and leaves in a huff.
Curly shows a frowning, cross-armed Susan the chicken. "That's the gratitude I get."
Back at the loading dock...
Larry comes back from his fruitless search for a towtruck. "Oh noooooooo! The cereal bin is missing!"
Larry runs outside just in time to see it being emptied in the "Your Haste My Waste" garbage truck.
Larry runs toward the garbage men screaming: "Aaaaeeeiiiieeeee! Give me that garbage. I'll pay anything. ANYTHING!"
Moose and Pigpen look at each other. "People are so desperate these days."
Larry catches up to Pigpen and pleads with him: "Here's twenty bucks. Could you dump the garbage on isle 4A?"
Moose mumbles to Pigpen: "I'm never shopping here again."
Larry opens the double doors leading to the main grocery store.
Pigpen backs the garbage truck to isle 4A and dumps everything. Shoppers scatter like roaches and stampede the exits, knocking down grocery carts and shelves.
Stew the stocky stockboy barges into IGA's office: "IG! The customers are leaving in droves. Larry had garbage men dump their wares all over isle 4A. It's a mess."
IGA is so mad he bites down on his pipe and snaps it in half.
IGA waddles over to the stockroom where he finds Larry sorting through garbage.
"What are you doing??"
"I'm getting cereal boxes out of the garbage."
"YOOOOOU'RE FIRED. I'm gonna escort you out!"
IGA picks up a meat cleaver and chases Larry down isle 4B.
AGI, the backwards brother and vice president of IGA, arrives at the empty loading dock.
"What the? Where is everything?"
Curly, who is on break, answers, "Larry shipped it out. Aren't we efficient?"
AGI grabs the nearest 2x4 and...
"Nya nya!" Curly taunts from behind the exit door.
AGI takes off, 2x4 in the air, after his quarry who has a head start on him.
Running at full speed, Curly tips his hat to Susan and signs off: "We are resigning. Goodbye."
AGI and Curly follow behind IGA and Larry.
Epilogue
Last of the Mohicans...
IGA's son, iga, and his son, iga come into IGA's office where they find Moe finishing up a phone call.
"I just made a five year deal with the IGA over on University Street."
iga: "What kind of deal?"
"They supply us with produce."
iga: "You, you idiot! WE own that IGA. Now we have to pay shipping costs...to ourselves."
Moe: "But we can write that off. Besides, the other store will make an excellent profit. They are charging us twice what is cost us."
iga pushes a button beneath his desk. Mr. Spacely's voice bellows: "Jetson, YOOOOU'RE FIRED!"
iga opens the red closet door stenciled "Secret" behind him and takes out the company monkey wrench.
Moe stands up and creeps toward the door.
iga creeps toward Moe.
Moe dashes out the door followed by iga swinging the monkey wrench and saying words that should not be printed. Moe joins Larry and Curly in a footrace away from IGA, iga, and iga.
"Woo wooo woooooo woooooo" off into the sunset.
@
Short #205
© Apr 2001, Doug DePrenger