206 - Finders Keepers
Moe, Larry, and Doug are private eyes in Solana Beach, CA.
Scene I
Highway 101, Solana Beach, California. Another perfect summer day: sunshine, seventy two degrees, and no commitments. The sign above a run-down private eye storefront has three eyes neatly painted on weathered oak - one of them black. Inside, Larry and Doug are throwing paper airplanes toward the wastebasket in their office. Paper airplanes have nearly engulfed the empty trashcan. Moe is out to lunch; I mean, out of the office getting lunch. Not much to do but wait for business...
A desperate blonde runs into the desperate office of the desperate private eyes.
"I'm desperate!" she cries.
A sly smilin', eyebrow-raisin' Doug oogles, "If I looked like you, I would not be desperate. I'd play hard to get."
"Owwww!" Larry stomps on Doug's foot. "Pay attention!"
Drooling Doug pants, "I am paying attention!"
"What is your name?"
She quickly answers, "Two words."
Larry and Doug look at each other and shake their heads.
She continues: "My boyfriend has an anchor tattooed on his..." whisper whisper
Larry looks at the camera and pleads: "How do we find him without getting in trouble with the censors?"
"Find him, please! Here's a thousand dollar retainer."
Doug takes the money and eyes it over. He frowns as he counts it. "Hey! This is Monopoly money!"
Blondee blushes: "Oh, er, I'm..."
"Thanks!" Doug smiles and pockets the money. "Now I can buy Park Place and Boardwalk and finally beat Moe. Hehehehe."
Larry gets the standard checklist out of the top drawer of the only desk in the office then starts the questioning: "Where does he hang out?"
Doug, "Usually on the gallows."
"He hangs at the 'Belly Up' tavern at Fifth and Cedros."
Larry shrugs his shoulders, "Fifth and Cedros? I thought it was at Cedros and Fifth. No wonder I can never find it."
Doug looks around the room, "A fifth of Cedros? Where? WHERE?"
Larry, "They have a gallows there?"
"No, imbecile. He ... never mind. It's beyond you. He likes foreign food and pizza."
"What's his name?"
"Bill. Bill E. Klubb. He answers to the name of Bill or Honeypoopkins. He drives..."
Peeking behind the door, Doug sees Moe covered with sizzling hot pizza, scalding cheese dangling from his nose, a pepperoni and mushroom hat, and steaming tomato, basil, and garlic sauce envelops his lap.
"Moe, you're supposed to eat the pizza, not wear it!"
As Doug points and guffaws over Moe's predicament, Moe gets even.
Larry runs out into the hall looking for Moe.
"Moe, Moe! We have a detective job to do. A desperate blonde ran into our desperate office. She was desperate! Where's Moe?"
Larry hops around in pain, "I'm tired of you hammering my foot!"
"Get me up and let's start detectiving." Moe says with a smile.
"You're not mad?"
"No. JUST FURIOUS!"
Scene II
ML&D are at the 'Belly Up' tavern, casing the joint.
Larry scans the empty stage. "Wonder who's playing tonight?"
Doug recites the fine print on the blackboard next to 'Be Seated' sign, "Kevin King and the Kongs."
Moe motions his head to some patrons a few tables away. "See that fat guy with the black tee-shirt that says 'Neanderthal'? There's a suspect. He's eating pizza...no, make that pizzas."
Larry whispers, "Yeah. Try trick number 4."
Moe walks up to the suspect and twists his nose like a ratchet. Jumbo stands up, bumping the table which nearly knocks down a pitcher of beer: "Hey, what are you doing, mophead?"
Moe pats him like an old dog, "There, there. Sit down. I got the wrong pachyderm."
Jumbo glares at Moe as he sits down.
"yeeoowww!"
He leaps up, pulls down his drawers, and yanks out a dozen long-stemmed stainless steel 'Good Housekeeping' approved tacks, one by one. Doug runs up to inspect.
"No tattoo here."
After Moe kicks Jumbo in the butt and Doug tosses him a bag of peanuts, they reconnoiter at a table far, far away in a dark corner.
Doug scans the audience, "There are a lot of people in here eating pizza."
Larry: "Why don't we page Bill to the front?"
Doug sticks out his fist: "Why didn't you think of that?"
Moe slaps his fist into Doug's face.
Larry saunters up to the maitre d'ette. "Could you page Bill to the front?"
"Sure, you porcupine."
A sexy voice beckons over the din of the bar, "Will Bill report to the front desk immediately?"
About fifteen Bills, three Joes, and a Clarence show up in a stampede, including Doug.
Moe grabs Doug by the shirt, "What are you doing up here?"
"I always wanted to be named Bill since I was a little tyke."
Larry, "Oh no! How do we distinguish the Bills from the Bills?"
"Distinguish? Where did you learn a big word like that?"
"The vicissitudes of life have southern exposed me to a gargantuan vocabulary."
Moe rips out a chunk of Larry's hair and shakes the divot at him, "Look, wisenheimer. Don't try and fool me with big words."
While Moe and Larry argue, Doug has been busy.
"Ooo. Ouch! I've got ants!"
"Me too! Eeeeee!"
"I got 'em, too. Aaaahhh!"
The Bills take off their pants and bounce along the floor to rid themselves of ants. Doug is busy trying to find an anchor tattoo without getting in trouble.
"None here." He stamps 'checked' on Bill6's forehead.
"What are you doing?" Bill6 demands.
"Quiet!"
"None here, either." Bill8 is stamped.
"Hmmm. None here." As Doug prepares to stamp Bill7, a giant, hairy hand grabs his arm.
"What are you doing, you weirdo?"
Doug turns around to see his nemesis: a six foot-eight Biiiiig Bertha model.
"Sorry mister...I mean ma'am. I mean. I don't know what I mean. You're mean."
Biiiiig Bertha picks up Doug over her head, spins him around like a pizza then tosses him out of the tavern through the front window. Larry gets the same exit strategy.
"Come here, mophead."
Out in front of the Belly Up...
A dejected Moe straightens up his spine and sums it up, "That didn't work out."
Doug snaps his fingers, "I know. When a guy comes in or out of the bar, say: 'Over here, Bill'. If they come over then they are a suspect."
"Yeah! Good idea."
"Hey, Bill."
Suspect turns, "What?"
"Um. Come over here. We have a big surprise for you."
Bill picks up his pace as he nears the Flaws. "What? What??"
Moe winds up to knock him out but:
All three Flaws are lying on the ground tending to their aches and pains.
Moe gets up and kicks Doug, "You would have to pick a karate expert."
Scene III
Next day. 9:38 AM. Del Mar beach. Moe, Larry, and Doug are strolling along the water's edge admiring the tans.
Doug scans the bright blue sky, "What a nice day. Let's go watch the hang gliders."
Doug bounces up and down as he points to a sky object, "Look! That guy is flying and eating pizza. He's our guy!"
Larry runs over to the checkout counter, "Hurry! I need to rent a hang glider."
Ronald Renter, "Are you sure you know how to fly one?"
"Yeah. Just jump off a cliff and enjoy. Hurry!"
"Well, ok." Ronald reluctantly hands over hang glider equipment.
Del Mar beach, in front of Jakes:
Doug sniffs the saut�ed onions air, "I'm hungry."
"I'm Larry."
"Let's go eat."
Scene IV
In Henibana of Solana restaurant next to the 'Seat Yourself' sign
"That suspect looks like a suspect. He has that suspect look. I suspect that suspect, I suspect."
"How are we gonna get him to show us his tattoo?"
"Watch this."
Doug shoves several patrons aside and congratulates suspect #4.
"HEYYY, howya doin? How's your iguana? Let me shake your hand."
The dapper suspicious suspect stands up to greet his visitor.
"I think you have mistaken me for someone else."
Doug: "No I haven't, you bucktooth barnacle."
He shoves the suspect backwards onto the grill.
Suspect removes his fiery pants while Moe takes a good look for an anchor tattoo.
"No, he's not the one."
Doug hands firepants a fire extinguisher just before they are chased out by the meatcleaver brandishing owner yelling Chinese symbols.
The Stooges are sitting on the curb in front of the local grocery store stepping on hapless ants.
Larry, "I need to get my TV fixed. Grandpa gave it to me a few weeks ago."
"I saw a truck in front of Joe's TV and Abacus Repair that said ï—ﯼïºï·²"
"Are you sure it wasn't splattered mud?"
Scene V
Joe's TV Repair Shop on Third and Fourth with Joe and his fifth.
Shemp, "How would I know what you can do!"
Larry wheels in his antique. "Fix this TV. The reception is terrible."
Joe looks over the 300-pound Victrola 15 inch model. "Hmmm. I hafta go in back and check the schematic diagram on this baby. I'll be back."
A few minutes after Joe leaves, Doug spies some evidence in the wastebasket.
"Pssst. Moe. Look at this. He's eating some type of foreign food. I'll bet he's our man."
Larry, "I have an idea on how we can check for the anchor. I'll be right back."
Larry tiptoes behind the counter and sets a trap.
About 30 minutes later Joe comes romping through the divider curtain with some papers in his hand.
Joe, "I'll have a tough time fixing this antique. This heap is over 30 years old."
Joe starts to sit down on his worn-out brown stool but pops back up. "Ya know, the tubes on this Victrola may not be made anymore."
Larry, Moe, and Doug start staring at the ceiling and tapping their feet.
"Are you guys impatient?"
Doug, "No, my last visit to the hospital I was an outpatient."
Joe starts to sit down; Larry, especially Larry, smugly smiles as his trap is about to be sprung when Joe stands back up.
"I know someone who's in a retirement home that may know about this beast."
"Ok. Retirement home. Beast. Now sit down."
Joe starts to sit down again while Moe, Larry, and Doug watch unobtrusively.
Joe jumps up, "The Victrola was invented in 19..."
Moe, Doug, and Larry look at each other then: "You're gonna sit down whether you like it or not!"
"Whaaat?"
They rush behind the counter and slam Joe on his stool.
He runs around the store a few times then fills up a sink and plunges his flamethrower in it.
Moe yanks Joe out of his comfort zone with pliers to the nose while Larry inspects. "No anchor here."
All three leave as quickly as they came in.
As Joe changes his uniform, he remarks to his partner, "They were a strange bunch."
Scene VI
The boys are sitting out front of Pacific Coast Grill, munching on fish and chips
Moe remarks, "We are not having much luck in finding Bill E."
A nearby patron replies, "Did someone mention my name?"
"We're looking for Bill E. Klubb."
"You found him. Did I win the lottery?"
Doug whispers to Moe and Larry, "Let me handle this."
"HEY look! It's Mick Jagger!"
Bill turns toward the front of the building, "where? WHERE?"
Doug, "He ducked into the bushes. You just missed him."
Bill, "It is hot and dry today." He picks up his chapstick and applies a generous dose.
"Mmmm. Mmmm."
Moe, "What did he say?"
Larry mimics, "Mmmm. Mmmm."
Bill E. points to his mouth, "Mmmm. Mmmm!"
Doug, "I updated his chapstick with Superglue."
Doug continues, "Follow me. I'll get you out of that."
Inside the office, Blondee is impatiently waiting...
"Well, Miss. We found your boyfriend Bill E."
She stomps up to Bill with the meanest look on her face then
"Here's your ring back you worthless, no-good, two-timing, conniving...," she turns to Moe and asks, "have I left anything out?"
Moe adds some adverbs, "Useless and insignificant."
The black-eyed Bill even chimes in with some, "Mmmm. Mmmmm."
Doug hands him a bottle of acetone - good for removing finger nail polish and superglued lips.
She throws a maroon ring box at Bill as hard as she can.
The Stooges approach her. "I thought..."
She slaps all three of them.
"Why did you find him???"
She storms out of the office and slams the door as hard as she can with Bill in hot pursuit. Several items in the office shake, rattle, and roll.
"Women." Moe abdicates: "At least we get to keep the retainer."
Doug: "Yeah, and I'm gonna by Park Place."
"Park Place? That doesn't cost real money."
"I have something better - Monopoly money."
Moe stands up, places his hands on the desk, and leans forward: "What??"
Doug flips through his bankroll, "Hehehe!! She gave me enough money to buy Park Place AND Boardwalk. I'm going to put a hotel on each and ..."
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Short #206. © Nov 2002, Doug DePrenger