209 - Guardian Angels
The Stooges accidentally hook up with Hell's Angels.
Scene I
Moe, Larry, and Shemp are running down Peoria's Water Street with a cop on their tail.
"Come back here, you vagrants!" yells Officer O'Malley, shaking his nightstick at them. He's running as fast as he can, except when he does the Doughnut Dash.
They duck into a barbershop. Larry pants "Boy, is that cop mad. I didn't think sleeping in a bed was illegal"
"Maybe if you didn't snore so loud, it would be ok," retorts Shemp.
"It must be when it's in Nordstrom's front window," reminds Moe.
MLS peek around the curtain, looking for the cop. The huffing and puffing Officer O'Malley stops in front of the barbershop, looking around quickly for the Stooges and questioning nearby pedestrians. MLS duck behind the curtain.
"Are you ready for your makeovers?" a voice beckons.
"Ah, err, yes," stutters Moe.
"Me, too" chimes in Larry.
"Me three" agrees Shemp.
MLS leap into vacant barber chairs, still looking around for the cop. A folding white partition separates each chair with strange black symbols on them.
"We need to open up your pores, so we'll put a warm towel on your face"
Barbie the burly barber grabs a steaming hot towel with tongs and wraps it over Moe's face and holds it tight.
"I'm burnin' up!" yells Moe in a muffled sound.
Barbie mollifies him as she holds the towel tight, "There, there. This is good for you."
Shemp and Larry hear Moe's pleas for help over the sizzle. They look around in amazement when
"Yeeeoowwww!" comes the reaction of Larry and Shemp when their sizzling steamers go over their faces.
Otis the other barber and Lawrence the last barber smile smugly as Shemp and Larry roast. The "barbers" continue their makeover.
Later...
Shemp's the first one done with his makeover. He tells Moe and Larry, "I'll meet you guys out front."
Shemp walks outside and starts loitering when a lady walks by.
"AAAEeeeeiiii!!! A UFO!" she shouts, pointing to Shemp.
"AAHHhhhhhh" She runs away as fast as she can with her arms waving frantically in the air screaming off into the sunset.
"I can't be THAT ugly. Or can I? After all, I just got my beauty makeover!" ponders Shemp. Shemp looks in the glass of a hardware store, hoping to see himself -
"Whooaaa. Maybe that lady is right"
Moe walks outside next. He spies a spiked, green haired punk with a diaper pin through his nose. "Hey, Mr. GQ. Did you see an imbecile around here?"
"Yeah. You're lookin' at him. It's me, Shemp!"
"AAAhhhhhhh. Look at you" as Moe pulls out a mirror and looks at himself -
"EEEeeeeeeee" shrieks Shemp. "Look at you!" and shows Moe in his mirror.
"EEEeeeeeeee" shrieks Moe.
The new Larry walks outside. "Hey, have you two worthless scum balls seen my friends?"
Moe eye pokes Larry. Shemp pulls out a clump of his hair.
"Moe, Shemp! Is that you under there?"
Moe eye pokes Larry. Shemp pulls out a clump of his hair again.
"Yep, it's you," says Larry, rubbing his eyes and massaging his bald spot.
"Look who's talking" as Moe shows Larry himself in a mirror.
All three look back at the "Pins and Needles Hair Salon". A 'CLOSED' sign quickly shows up, the door slams shut, lights go out, and the curtains are drawn tight.
"Now what?"
Looks like MLS are punks for a day.
Scene II
MLS are strolling down Adams Street in downtown Peoria enjoying the summer sun wondering what to do. People are crossing the street to avoid them.
In the distance, a dull roar is getting louder. Some of the Hell's Angels drive by in their glistening Harleys. Three of the women bikers pull up to the curb to proposition the Stooges.
"Hey, good-lookin' Want a ride?" MLS look around. "No, you guys. Your green skin is so gross! You're pins are so peculiar. Your hair is so horrifying!" MLS look at each other: "They like us!"
MLS jump on Mama's motorcycles.
"Where are we going?" asks Larry
"To a party. Now shut up"
Scene III
Detweiller Park
Mamas pull in to a forest preserve clearing near Detweiller Park where there are hundreds of bikers gathered for the weekend. Big ones, fat ones, skinny ones, ugly ones, stupid ones. They have been terrorizing Peoria for weeks, now they are ready to relax.
"Hey Crusher, I got me some volunteers" states Mama1.
"Hey, punk. Join us in a game of darts." Crusher glares at Shemp.
"Well, I'm not good at.." starts Shemp.
"Sure you are" Crusher drags Shemp by his hair to the "arena".
"Here pretty boy. Throw this knife at the target over there" orders BBB (big bad biker).
"I need to put on my MartWal glasses" Shemp pulls out his cokebottle glasses, buffs them, and puts them on.
"Throw the knife at the target!" screams BBB, jumping up and down.
"What target?"
"The one over there" points BBB at a tree with a target on it. Shemp's eyes follow his arm past the end of his finger. He readies his knife.
"Here goes!" Shemp throws a knife in the general direction of the tree.
"Wrong tree. I'll try again."
Shemp grabs another knife, spins around and wings the knife toward another tree.
"Well, well, Mr. Wells" scorns da biker.
"Hey everyone!" announces BoneBuster. "We've got us an FBI agent. He's been spying on us."
Mr. XXX, the head Angel comes over. "Stomp him"
Several gorillas surround Agent Wells then stomp him. Poor Agent Wells. Not a pretty sight. At least he's alive.
"Hail, hail, our new hero!" praise the Angels. BoneBuster takes Shemp aside.
"What's your name?"
"Stompin' Shemp."
Many of the bikers round up drinks and serve them to their new hero. Never the shy one, Shemp guzzles every one of them and gets bombed.
Shemp staggers around. "I gotta go. Maybe this scooter will take me to the half moon house. Vrrrooom! Ehehehhheee" Shemp starts the Harley "scooter".
"Wwwweeeeeee." Shemp drives away. Some of the other bikers jump on their hogs. "Follow the new leader!"
Over by the empty beer kegs:
"Let's go," orders XXX.
Larry and Moe quiver. "Where are we going?" they ask sheepishly.
"To get beer. Now let's go."
"We'll wait while you..."
"NO. You go with Mamas." XXX and vice president YYY drag Moe and Larry by their nose pins. Mamas rope Moe and Larry with a noose and drag them to their hogs.
"Let's go, handsome"
Mama2 rubs Moe's chin with a paintbrush. Moe falls in love.
The gang of fifteen pulls into a 6/12 store in Chillicothe. While XXX and his entourage are browsing around, a beat up 1972 Impala backs in. A shifty guy gets out with a trench coat (it's August in Peoria). He looks around and quickly walks in the front door.
"Everyone down!" and pulls out a sawed-off shotgun from underneath his trench coat. Everyone lies down. Fast.
"Open the register"
Larry pulls out his checkbook register and starts to open it. "How much would you like to deposit?"
Creep blows his checkbook into a million pieces.
"The cash register, you dope!"
Owner opens the register, exposing $100.08.
Creep grabs the cash from the cash register (including the 8 cents), fires a warning shot in the ceiling, and runs out to his car. He opens the driver door and bends over to stash the cash.
Here comes Shemp followed by his followers flying into the parking lot. Shemp plows into the driver's door. It hits Creep so hard that he flies across the front seat and his head goes through the passenger door.
The owner senses things are ok, gets up and runs out. About forty bikers are there to greet him.
Owner jumps up and down like a milkshake: "A hero! A hero! Him" He points to Shemp.
"Our hero" roars the crowd.
Moe walks over to Creep and crouches down. "Are you going to confess?"
"No" comes the answer.
Moe pulls out a pair of eyebrow plucking pliers.
"Are you gonna confess?" slurs Moe.
"NO"
Moe rips out a clump of hair. "YEEeeooowwww!"
"Confess!"
"Never!"
"Maybe my friends will convince you."
Moe pulls out a box labeled "Have fun with your friends! Red hot fire ants". He pours them down Creep's back.
Later...
"Oww. OOO. Owww. Ohh. Eeeee. I'll confess. I'LL CONFESS! I did it. I robbed the store. Owweeeee! I shot Kennedy. Owwww! I shot JR. aaiiieeeeee! I shot the sheriff. Yeeoooowww! Take me away. Get these things OFF of me. Waaaaaaahhhhh!" laments Creep, flopping around like a fish out of water.
"Shut up" Moe pulls out his trusty lead pipe and conks Creep a few times.
The owner interrupts the confessional - "That creep tried to rob my store. Shemp saved us. Free beer for all!"
The bikers are elated! Masher turns on a portable radio to his favorite station KRUM.
Steppenwolf's "Born to be Wild" is on. Everyone starts dancing with their ball bats and chains as accessories. Every once in a while someone gets whacked in the head.
The bikers load up the beer and head back to the party.
BBB sees the boss. "Mr. XXX, we got loads of juice. Shemp did it again"
"Shemp, for the rest of the night you're the head Angel. You're king"
"I crown you Sir Shemp" Mr. XXX smashes a beer bottle on Shemp's head.
"Thanks for the halo" groggily answers Shemp.
Sir Shemp recovers from his knighting and climbs up on a picnic table. "Let's go raise some hell" and jumps on his Mama's bike.
"Come on, let's rock!" Shemp revs up the hog and pulls a massive wheelie down the road. The rest of the bikers follow with Moe and Larry trailing far behind.
Shemp leads them down Route 29 to I-74. The gang roars east, taking the I-474 bypass near Morton toward the airport. They approach the Illinois River around 80 mph. All of a sudden Shemp disappears. And so do the other bikers. One by one they plunge into the Illinois River.
"AAAA
aaaaaa
aaaaa
ahhhhh
hhhhhh"
After a few minutes, the bridge is empty and everything is quiet again except crickets chirping and an owl hooting.
Scene
Moe and Larry arrive minutes later. They scout around - no sign of Shemp. Several bikes and backpacks are floating in the river.
"Poor Shemp...from Stooge to freak to Angel to king to fish meal in one night" sniffs Larry.
"Yeah, poor Shemp. He doesn't have to pay back the dollar he owes me," laments Moe.
Moe and Larry turn and walk slowly away from the river.
"Hhalllllppp. HHHEEELLLLPpppp" A cry comes from the center of the bridge.
"I hear Shemp!" Moe and Larry run over to a gap in the bridge.
"Forget about what I said about the dollar"
Shemp is hanging by his belt on a piece of reinforcement rod. Moe and Larry toss a rope down. Shemp grabs hold and is rescued.
Shemp asks, "What happened?"
"I-474 isn't finished, yet. Some kids stole the barricades blocking the unwary from the unfinished bridge. The rest of the gang went swimming."
"These haircuts have gotten us in enough trouble. Let's go get haircuts" Moe, Larry, and Shemp walk off into the sunrise toward a different barbershop.
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© Jan 2001, Doug DePrenger