210 - Hard Drive Jitters
Moe, Larry, and Shemp are proprietors of a computer repair store. They get into a lot of trouble when they upgrade Mr. King Crabapple's computers...
Scene I
Camera pans front of store Computers Aren't Us. It zooms in through the front window:
Moe, Larry, and Shemp are asleep at their desks, snoring as usual:
Moe answers a coke can, "Computers Aren't Us"
Mr. Crabapple, CEO of FretNetYouBet, Inc: "Crabapple here. Do you upgrade computers?"
"We upgrade, update, uptake, cupcake, mediate, foliate, imbeviate, primate, and congregate them."
Crabapple makes his request short, "Good. Come over to 888 Eighth Street at the intersection of Eighth Avenue. I need my computers upgraded. Pronto."
"We drive a Galaxy. We'll be there in a flash," claims Moe, assuring Crabapple.
Moe hangs up the phone - it's a computer upgrade job!
Moe turns around to wake his partners: "Wake up you slugs. We have our first job"
Larry and Shemp continue to sleep through Moe's gentle prods.
Moe tries again. "Wake up you sleeping beauties! We have to fix some computers."
Still no response.
Moe walks over to the workbench, muttering to himself, "I'll wake them up".
He grabs a cold soldering iron and wraps Larry's hand around it.
Larry starts petting it in his sleep, "Sooo smooth. Oh darling, your nice muscular arm..."
Moe plugs it in. "He'll wake up now"
After a minute or so...
Larry shrieks. "Yaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" He tosses the hot iron up in the air...and down Moe's back.
Larry unplugs the culprit then drags Moe to the bathroom, "Stop dancing and jump in the shower."
After cooling down, Mad Moe fights back.
"Now I have to go wake up another sleeping beauty."
Shemp is still snoring.
Moe gets a bagel from the breadbox and stuffs it in Shemp's mouth.
"Yummmm" Shemp eats it in his sleep then asks for some coffee. "I wish I had a hot cup of java..."
Moe gets a latte and sticks it in the microwave for five minutes. A loud gurgling accompanies steam billowing out of the microwave door. Moe dons a welding mask and grabs the coffee with iron tongs then sets the coffee on a steel trivet.
Moe leans over and whispers in Shemp's ear,"Oh Shempy, you're latte is ready"
"Okayee"
Shemp wakes up slowly, lazily grabs the coffee and guzzles it.
Steam pours out Shemp's mouth and ears. Shemp leaps out of his chair, spins around on the floor like a pinwheel several times, jumps up, bounces around like a Mexican jumping bean, and runs to the water cooler. He picks up the entire five gallon Sparkletts jug and promptly drinks the whole thing.
After, Boss Moe tells his underlings: "Now that you are awake, we have to update Mr. Crabapple's computers. Any questions?"
Shemp asks, "Does that mean we set his clock ahead?"
"No, we have to upgrade his software. Now. Let's go!" orders Moe.
Moe drags Shemp by the ear, who drags Larry by the ear, who drags the tool mule by the ear and out of the office they go in their 1979 Scout II with a 304 V8 and a broken radio..
Scene II
The boys are patiently sitting in Crabapple's waiting room, thumbing through two year old magazines of 'Computers Today'. Shemp is fixing himself a cup of coffee.
After sitting himself down in the comfy office chairs, Shemp drinks a coffee from a Styrofoam cup. When done, he looks at the cup with a glaze in his eye then eats it.
Crabapple abruptly barges out of his office and into the waiting room - he has a worried look on his face.
"I'll get right to the point. Here's the computer I want upgraded. I'm going out and do some errands. I'll be back later. See ya, boys."
"Good bye, KC."
"He is all business," says Larry.
Moe, Larry, and Shemp are staring in amazement at the computer. Moe grabs a HUGE book called "Abridged Upgrading Instructions in 6,733 steps" and starts reading it.
"Ok porcupine." Moe starts reading the instructions, "Log into the computer"
"Are you sure?"
Moe tells him again: "Login. Login you wombat! Right here!" and smashes his head against the monitor.
Larry woozily follows orders: "Ok!" He picks up a log from under the desk and throws it in the monitor, smashing it to pieces.
Moe yells: "What did you do??" He pulls Larry's hair out in clumps.
"She loves me" RRRRRIIIPP. "Yeooowww"
"She loves me not"
"She loves me"
Larry recovers: "You told me to log in and I did. Did I use the wrong log?"
Moe says sternly, " yeeeesss!"
Shemp calls out from across the room: "Here's another TV" as he yanks a monitor off someone else's desk and drags it along with trailing wires attached to two printers, a plotter, and a scanner. Shemp stops suddenly.
"Uhhh. Uhhhhh. This is tight!" Shemp jerks on the wires with all his might.
A final "UUHHHHH" Shemp yanks them. Three monitors fall off the desk.
Shemp remarks "Shoulda nailed them down."
Shemp finally drags all the junk to Larry's desk.
Moe is astonished. "Look what you did, you moron. You left the monitor on."
Larry starts to tune the monitor. "I think the Simpsons are on"
Shemp pushes Larry away. "I want to watch the ballgame."
"No, Simpsons," Larry retorts with a kick in the shins.
Shemp retorts the retort: "No, the ballgame!"
Moe,"No, neither!" and he bonks their heads together.
Moe barks out his orders: "Shemp, you get the update disk; Larry, connect the monitor; I'm ordering a pizza."
Moe dials the phone and after a few rings...
"Placate your pizza pleasure with Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Pizzas. Peter here. What's your order?"
Moe: "I'd like to order a large pizza with rotten sausage and moldy cheese."
Peter can't believe it, "Rotten sausage and moldy cheese?"
Moe states: "I have a tapeworm and that's good enough for him. Deliver the pizza to FretNetYouBet, Inc on 888 Eighth Street intersection of Eighth Avenue at eight minutes after eight."
Peter: "Name please"
Moe answers: "Mr. Moestauchenkoscowingeraslickserlingerflingerdanebuchadnezzarowski"
"Whaaaat? Could you spell that?"
"T-H-A-T."
"No, you imbecile. Your last name."
"I don't know how to spell it. Just write it down what you heard."
Peter writes it down. "What a moniker. How do you pronounce that?"
Moe: "Moe. The rest of the letters are silent."
Peter, "For security purposes, what is your Mother's name?"
"Mth, spelled mth"
"What? How do you pronounce it?"
"Martha. The ara is invisible."
Peter, "I hate to ask your Dad's name."
A few seconds of silence.
"What is your Dad's name?"
More silence.
"I said, what is your Dad's name?"
Several seconds of silence.
Peter pleads with Moe, "Why don't you answer me?"
"I did."
"But you didn't say anything."
"That's right."
Peter comes up with a brilliant idea, "Ok. Write it down on a piece of paper and fax it to me at 444-PZZA"
Moe, "Ok."
After five minutes of scribbling and erasing, Moe faxes the answer.
An irate Peter starts in, "The paper was blank!"
Moe, "That's correct. My Dad has no name. I don't know who he was."
Moe, rubbing his eyes, ends the conversation,"How long before it's delivered?"
Peter,"About half an hour"
Moe,"That's too long - make it 30 minutes. Could you fax me a receipt?"
"Yes."
Moe slams down the phone. "Idiots".
Peter slams the phone down. "Idiots".
Scene III
Back at Crabapple's desk...
Larry yells across the room. "Ok Moe, we're ready"
Moe walks over and continues reading the installation manual: "Put update disk in drive A"
Larry tries: "Ugg. Errrf. It won't fit"
Shemp has a solution: "Maybe you have to drive it in the drive with a driver A". He picks up a hammer with an 'A' on it and smashes the diskette into the drive. Moe picks up the hammer and smashes Shemp.
Larry cleans the pieces out of the drive and puts a new diskette in.
Moe (reading the manual):"Step 54. Boot the PC"
Larry: "What??"
Moe: "Boot the PC" and proceeds to kick Larry in the behind.
Larry kicks the PC. It doesn't start.
Shemp: "Maybe you need to reboot it like this" and the PC gets a swift kick and a big dent in it.
Shemp pulls out a dent remover, drills a hole, and yanks the dent out. He starts to fill it with Bondo.
An hourglass appears on the screen.
"Oh boy, break time!"
Larry gets a glass of water in a V shaped cup. The CD holder magically opens up. "Oh, a drink holder" and puts the cup in the CD holder.
The disk drive starts grinding away...
"Hey Moe, I think the computer has mice"
"Sounds like it. Lets take it apart and see"
Moe pulls down the side of the PC and sticks his hand in it. SNAP! A mousetrap crushes his fingers. "YEEOOOOWWW"
Shemp cautiously laughs: "hee hee - you're the mouse"
M: "Shut your trap!" and gives Shemp a mouthsqueeze. "Yiiiippe"
Larry walks by the dessert table and knocks some floppies into the ice cream.
Shemp walks over the dinner table. "I'm going to have dessert...ok! Ice cream with chocolate wafers! Yummm!"
Shemp dips one of the floppies in ice cream and starts munching on it. He pulls the middle out with his mouth. "A fudge middle!" and chews on it for a while. "Man, this isn't cooked enough"
Larry: "It has a lot of fiber" and swallows one whole.
"Where's our pizza?" cries Shemp.
Moe pushes the buttons on the phone with such force they bend out of shape.
"Placate your pizza pleasure with Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Pizzas. Peter here. What's your order?"
"A receipt. You never faxed it."
"Yes I did."
"No."
"Yes."
Moe looks at the fax machine setup. "Hmmmm. I'll call you back." Moe slams the phone down and heads right to Shemp.
"Why did you have the fax feed the paper shredder?"
Shemp pretends to put his hair back. "I thought you were tired of faxes. I fixed the problem - no more faxes. You should give me a reward!"
"Here's your reward."
Moe notices a wire hanging from the computer near the floppy drive; it's an extra power connector.
Moe: "I wonder if this is hot?"
"Stick it on your tongue like you do 9 volt batteries" suggests Larry.
"Ok"
Frizzy Moe thanks Larry with an ear twist and a poke in the eyes.
Larry grabs his drink out of the CD holder and sticks his finger in the hole. The CD drawer closes. "Help, it's biting me!"
S: "I hope it doesn't have rabies!"
L: "Get me outta here!"
Shemp grabs a hacksaw and approaches Larry.
L: "No, not that! Push the eject button"
Moe pushes the eject button to release Larry's hand.
Moe: "Now stop clowning around and get to work!"
Moe continues the installation process. "To install operating system, erase this directory"
Shemp snatches some whiteout and starts covering up the directory on the monitor. "Now what?"
Moe's answer, "This!" and Shemp gets a clump of hair pulled out.
Moe continues installing the operating system, "To complete step 344, hold F2 key down while simultaneously pressing control-alt-A. Then hold shift-7 key down for 22 milliseconds. Let go of shift key and press 93934 twice. When you see a carrot on the screen you're done - otherwise start over with step 1."
Larry is standing like a flagpole, holding the phone to his ear.
Moe sees him slacking, "What are you doing?"
"I'm waiting for a call from technical assistance." Moe grabs the phone and breaks it on Larry's head. "We're technical assistance, you rockhead!!"
Moe, "What does the manual say?"
Shemp, "It don't say nothing. You gotta look at it"
Moe picks up the manual and opens it to page 63. "It's right here" and closes the book on Shemp's nose. "Owwwww!"
Shemp, "What's that?" pointing to the mouse.
Moe's answer, "It's a mouse and ..."
Shemp picks up a hammer and smashes it.
Shemp glowingly puts a notch in his Acme Mouser Hammer.
Moe smashes Shemp on the head with a hammer.
Camera does a close-up on the monitor
The screen says "Enter password: "
Moe tries to type in the password but the keys don't budge. "Hey, these keys are stuck!"
"I fixed them." Admits Larry. "I glued them down so they wouldn't bounce around"
Moe: "Where's your sense?"
Shemp laughs. "Under his arms. He hasn't showered for a week!"
Larry, "That's not true...it's only been 7 days"
Moe breaks the keyboard over Larry's head. "Get me a keyboard!!!"
Larry puts on a Dvorak keyboard.
Shemp "Hey, these keys are wrong! Someone Dvoraked the qwerty!"
Larry, "I'll put them in alphabetical order" as he shuffles all the keys (shown in fast motion).
Moe continues typing... "This program is asking us if we want to register"
Shemp, "I already registered. I fought in WWII." He types in his draft number.
3 star General Mils appears on the monitor.
"You've been AWOL for 20 years. I'm placing you under arrest!" and a hand comes out of the monitor trying to handcuff Shemp. Shemp bites the hand and Moe handcuffs a stick of dynamite and gives it a yank. The hand withdraws into the monitor and
Moe hands Shemp a print cartridge. "Make sure the printer works."
He quizzically looks at it and sees ink dribbling out.
An excited Shemp begins licking the ink nozzle, "Oh, a slurpee!" His tongue turns red. "Hmmm, must be a new flavor - magenta".
M:"Hey, Larry. Erase this floppy"
L:"Ok.". Larry whips out a huge pencil and starts erasing it.
M:"You dunce! It's double density. You need two of these" and shows Larry two fingers - then pokes him in the eyes. Moe sticks the eraser in L's ear and pushes it so it comes out the other ear. "Hmmm. Looks like that's already erased"
Moe:"Crabapple wants us to connect a scanner up to this PC. Larry, get the scanner out of the box."
Larry cuts open the top of the box and is confronted with Styrofoam. Larry tries to pry it out, but to no avail. He picks it up over his head and turns it upside down.
"Now bow to your partners"
Moe and Shemp bow to each other and knock themselves out.
Later, as Moe and Shemp awaken...
Moe sees that Larry has put the monitor about ten feet up on a pile of phone books next to an alphabet chart that is mounted vertically along the wall.
Moe trots over to the scene. "Why did you stack the monitor so high?"
Larry: "It says so in the 'Ergonomics for Idiots' book."
Moe: "What?"
Larry:"Put the monitor at eye level. And I did, right next to the letter 'I'"
Moe:"I'll make it level" and bonks Larry over the head with a level.
Moe:"Now the level is unlevel! Level it!"
Shemp grabs it - "is this on the level?"
Moe:"I'm going to level you!" and punches Shemp so hard that he does three summersaults and ends up standing on his head in the corner.
The boys are finished upgrading Crabapple's computer and ready for testing...
Moe announces success. "We're done updating Crabapple's computer. It needs to be tested"
Larry is asleep.
Shemp jumps up. "I'll do it! Pick me! Oh boy" Shemp gets all excited, "e b b b b b!".
Moe glances at his watch. "I need to go pick up something at the hardware store before it closes. I'll be right back"
Shemp talks to himself as he goes through his test procedure, "This computer tests ok. I'll do the whole office! Won't Moe be happy!"
Later...
Mr. Crabapple comes in...Moe's right behind him with a bag of stuff.
Crabapple asks, "How are you boys doing?"
Shemp pats himself on the back. "Great! Everything is tested and ready to go!"
"Thanks, here's your payment." Crabapple presents Moe with a wad of crisp, new bills.
Moe counts the money (with wide eyes). Larry sniffs the air then wakes up - "Moolah!"
Crabapple smiles and sits down at his computer and tries to log in. "Hey, where is everything?"
Shemp reminds KC. "I tested them all...the whole office!"
Crabapple runs to another computer. Same thing - nothing. And another. Nothing.
Crabapple turns red as a crabapple. "What did you do????"
Shemp pats himself on the shoulder. "I tested every command: login, logout, add, delete, format, directory, ..."
Crabapple is furious. "What? Format?"
Shemp starts to quiver, "Ummm, yeah. It removes all the files from the system! And it works perfectly!"
Crabapple falls off his chair in excitement. "You idiots!" He picks up a baseball bat and starts waving it frantically. "You've erased my whole business. I'll kill you!!!" and chases MLS out the door and down the street.
"Come back here you incompetents!"
Crabapple (huffing and puffing and waving the Louisville 34 inch 34 oz Mickey Mantle ball bat): "If I ever catch you, I'm going to delete you all!!"
© Aug, 2000 DougTheStooge