211 - HMO No!
Moe, Larry, and Curly visit an HMO. Oh No!
Scene I
Camera shows the boys are waking up in their humble abode for another exciting day of nothing.
8:04 AM
Curly floats into the kitchen behind the sausage and bacon scent. Moe and Larry have already started eating.
Moe, standing over the stove tending to the latest batch of bacon, turns and says, "Curly, you don't look so well."
Larry glances up from stuffing his face with Loco Cocoa cereal: "You look like a blueberry pancake."
Curly is shuffling through the cereal cabinet and mutters: "Yeah, these glasses need cleaning."
Moe is serious. "No, onionhead. You have blue dots all over your face. You should go see a doctor."
"Blue dots? Maybe I am a flashcube. Take me to Kodak for processing" says Curly in his usual blas� attitude.
Moe shuts off the stove then
"We're taking you to see a doctor."
"I saw Dr. Kildare on channel 6 last week."
Moe munches the partially cooked bacon as he puts on his hat and coat, "This is serious. Let's go."
Larry is still seated, "I'm not done with my cereal."
Moe picks up Larry's half-eaten cereal bowl and dumps it on his head. "You're finished, now."
"C'mon ironhead." Moe grabs Curly's ear with the bacon tongs and drags him out the door.
Moe stops and turns to Larry: "You!"
Larry grabs his own ear crying, "oww oww lemme go!" and drags himself out the door.
9:03 AM
Moe is chauffeuring Curly to the hospital while Larry is daydreaming in the passenger seat about sitting at home daydreaming about sitting in a car daydreaming.
Curly sobs and sniffs. "Before I go, I want to have a last meal."
"Poor Curly. Sure, buddy. Where do you want to go? Charlie Trotters? Mortons?"
"McDonald's!" Curly points to the golden arches. "There's one."
Moe shakes his head as he pulls into the drive-in.
McSpeaker speaks up, "Waddaya want?"
Curly pokes his head through Moe's window: "Three boigas."
"Pull up to the first window."
Moe pulls up to the first window where a longhaired guy with long, frizzy whiskers is waiting with his hand out.
Moe, "Hey spinach chin. How much do we owe?"
Spinach chin answers, "$4.33"
Moe whispers to Larry, "I'm short two bucks."
"Here's some money."
ZZ Top, "Hey! You owe me two more!"
Larry, "Scram!"
As Moe leaves a puff of burnt rubber, he looks in the mirror to watch spinach chin shake his fist in anger. A father of five dives into nearby bushes with his BigWig coke to avoid the front fender.
Moe turns and hands Curly the food: "Here's your last breakfast."
Curly can barely contain himself, grabbing the sack of boigas with gusto, "Thanks, Moe."
As Moe drives away, Curly starts in on his last meal. He is so hungry he eats the hamburgers without taking them out of their wrappers.
Curly ponders the McDonald's bag: "Hmmm." He crumples it up and eats it, too...along with two ketchup packets.
9:33 AM
Moe pulls into the HMO parking garage and drives around and around - ending up on top.
Moe stops the car and shifts into park. "We're on the fourth floor."
Larry, who was scanning the lot as they went up, says, "I didn't see a place to park."
Curly looks over the situation then, "Hey, that car over there has its door unlocked. I have an idea. C'mon Larry."
Curly and Larry get out; Curly walks over to the driver's door while Larry goes to the front of the car. He looks around for witnesses; sees none, then opens it. "Ok, Larry, push the car out."
Larry pushes the car out of the parking space while Curly tries to steer the car toward the exit.
"Helllp!" Curly jumps out of the car just before it goes down the exit ramp.
Moe peeks over the top floor wall just in time to see the car shoot out the garage across some pavement and into a bunch of trees. A few saplings fall down then all is quiet except for birds chirping and passing traffic.
Curly redeems himself, "I saved the owner from climbing four flights of stairs."
"That's that."
Moe wipes his hands clean and parks the car in the empty space.
9:47 AM
The boys are at the HMO front desk talking to the receptionist.
Moe: "My friend needs to see a doctor."
Receptionist Willa Stall remarks, "I can see why. He looks like a spotted toad. Let's see your id card."
Curly shuffles through his pockets: "Here's one from the Army. They are my dog tags."
Willa growls at Curly.
"Ruff!!" Curly barks back.
Willa, "I need to see your vet ID card, Great Dane."
Curly opens his wallet and pulls out his id card. "Here."
Willa turns it in several directions: "I can't read it. There are holes in it."
"I bit it last week." Curly pleas, "All I want to do is see a doctor."
Willa, fed up with Curly, pulls out a picture of Doc Holliday. "Here. Here's a doctor. Go away."
She continues ignoring MLC and goes back to shuffling papers.
Moe accosts Willa: "Listen, you. Curly is sick. He needs medical help. Help him."
Willa stands up and leans into Moe, "He walked in here. He's fine. Now get lost." She calls in the enforcers, "Muscles! Hammer!"
Two HMO bouncers come from behind a tall, fake rubber tree and gently throw MLC out the door.
11:04 AM
The HMO front door bursts open. MLC are back at the front desk.
Ms. Stall glances up from her papers. "I see your friend is in a wheelchair."
Larry wheels Curly around to the side, "Yes, he hurt his arm. Can he see a doctor?"
"Just a minute..." She slowly stands up and goes in back in slow motion.
12:06 PM
Willa comes back only to find Moe, Larry, and Curly snoring in sync.
"Wake up!"
Grumble. Grumble.
"Ok. You have a choice of three doctors." She points to three doors.
"Which door do you choose? 1, 2, or 3?"
Curly loves picking things; like his nose: "I'll choose door number 3."
"Ok, that means door number 2 in HMO talk."
Moe and Larry walk over to the door with Curly right behind them.
"Hey, you phony! You're not in your wheelchair," yells Hammer. He follows Muscles running over to Curly. Just as they are ready to grab him, Curly starts running around on the floor in circles, like a pinwheel.
The bouncers twirl their heads like a phonograph watching Curly. While the two goons are hypnotized by the pinwheel, Moe and Larry each pull out a stainless steel professionally sharpened knitting needle - then jab it in the bouncer's behind.
"YEEOOOOWWW!!"
Larry jumps up and down, "C'mon Curly. Scram!"
Curly leaps up off the floor and leads them out the front door.
12:22 PM
The HMO door bursts open again presenting three Scotsmen.
Wont looks at McCurly with a suspicious eye, "Saaaay, I just had another patient with blue dots on his face."
Larry: "Hoot mon."
Curly: "Yeah, hoot mon. Hoot hoot"
"Look, you owls..."
Moe introduces the trio. "I'm McMoe, this is McLarry, and my blue dot brother is McCurly."
Willa's replacement, Wont, plays along, "Where are you from?"
Moe: "From below the McMason-McDixon line. Near McFlorida. Got any Scotch?"
"I'm sorry, no Scotch. Are you hungry?"
McLarry answers: "No laddie, we ate at a Scottish place - McDonald's. We each had a big Mc."
"Just a minute..." Wont calls someone on the intercom. "I want you to meet a Scottish waitress, I mean orderly. Her name is Lorna Doone."
McCurly extends his hand as he introduces himself: "Hi Lorna. How are ya doin?"
McMoe stomps on McCurly's toe.
"McOuch. McOuch," winces Curly, holding his foot.
Wont points to a tear in Larry's skirt: "Say McMoron, you have a small rip in your kilt. I have some tape to fix it with." She scrounges through a side drawer then takes out a roll of duct tape.
McLarry shuns her: "We only use Scotch tape."
McCurly: "We're from the land of the little people. My parents were part leprechaun... She was a leper. He was a con."
Wont is very suspicious. She is ready to call Hammer and Muscles again when...
McMoe interrupts: "McCurly's mom was Irish. She was a 3 leaf clover."
"3 leaf clover? That is useless!"
McMoe: "Yes, laddie. And the Dad, he was a 2 leaf clover."
McCurly whispers: "More like poison ivy."
The sound of several unlatching locks draws everyone's attention to look at the wonder at door number two. Nurse White struts through the door looks at her clipboard and announces, "McCurly is next."
"Hoot MON!!"
12:33 PM
Curly is in a private waiting room waiting...
Nurse Hatchet walks in with a dour look on her face.
"We need to take your vitals."
"I took a one-a-day this morning."
"No, you dolt. Get on the scale."
Curly stands on the scale.
"And take off your coat."
Curly walks over to the door and hangs his coat on the hook.
"GET on the scale."
He puts his coat on then gets on the scale.
"Take off your coat."
Curly takes off his coat and walks over to the wall to hang it up.
"Get on the scale!"
Curly grabs his coat and gets back on the scale.
"Why do you put your coat on when you get on the scale?"
"My feet are cold"
Ms. Hatchet measures Curly: "Height: 5 feet 6 inches."
"Weight: 200 pounds 3 ounces."
"What is your blood type?"
"Red."
"What is your bank account balance? Ooops. I mean, what is your blood pressure?"
Curly twists his nose a few times. (A ratchet sound) Then he pulls out a strip of paper from his mouth. It reads 38 psi.
NH grabs the paper from Curly, reads it, and then throws it down, "You're useless!"
"No, I'm Curly."
NH opens a drawer and pulls out the blood pressure armband. She wraps it around Curly's arm and starts inflating it. Curly stares at it with his eyes wide open. NH is reading a Danielle Steel novel as she is pumping up the armband.
A red-faced Curly squeaks: "I think this is tight enough"
NH reads the pressure: "500 over 400". She enters the numbers on Curly's chart.
"Break time." Ms. Hatchet instantly drops everything on the floor and dashes out the door. Otto enters through the door before it has a chance to close.
1:13 PM
Curly needs his temperature taken.
Otto the Orderly digs through a drawer, finds a thermometer, wipes it off with a rag from his back pocket then gives it to Curly: "Hold this under your tongue for a few minutes."
Curly sticks it under his tongue.
After a minute, Otto turns around, "No! Not the rag! The thermometer."
After correcting the situation, Curly bides his time while Moe turns on a radio...unfortunately, the volume control was way up. Curly jumps at the loud music and bites the thermometer in half.
Otto takes the pieces out of Curly's mouth, "That will cost you extra...eating a thermometer when we said you are suppose to fast. Here's another one."
Curly's hand is shaking as he puts it under his tongue.
After a few minutes...
Otto professionally yanks the thermometer out of Curly's mouth.
"What's my temperature?"
"I can't tell you. You'll receive an answer in the mail in a few days."
"Why can't you look at the thermometer?"
"Can't. We outsourced it."
"What???"
"The thermometer is sent across town with a courier. It will be read within 8 hours of the taking. The PTRA (Professional Thermometer Readers Assn), highly recommended by the AMA, will officially send us the results. We'll process it for a day then send out the reading to the address you filled out on line 344 on the 1040 Patient History Form."
"Mind if I take a peak at it?"
"Can't. It is sealed in the thermo-bubble-wrap paper."
Otto pushes a button, which sounds a buzzer. Doug the slug walks in and, without even a grunt, takes the wrapped thermometer then leaves.
Larry: "Hey, that guy's shirt said ‘Pizza Hut' on it."
"We have a partnership with Pizza Hut's delivery dept. If they can deliver pizzas on time they can deliver medical things. Pretty smart, eh?"
"No, pretty dumb, B."
"At first we've had a few mix-ups. F'rinstance. Like last week: in the middle of an arm transplant, our courier brought a large pepperoni pizza into the operating room. So it wouldn't be a total loss, everyone took a quick 5 minute break and downed the pizza."
Curly is getting nervous.
Otto tells Moe and Larry: "You two will have to go back to the waiting room." He herds them out the door.
"Put this gown on."
"I'm not getting married."
Otto gets stern, "Put it on or else!"
Curly: "Or else what?"
Otto: "This!" Otto conks Curly on the head with a reflex hammer...then twists his nose with a pliers...then eye pokes him.
"You're just like Moe...always picking on me."
Otto leaves in disgust. Curly dons the gown.
1:55 PM
Curly is still waiting for a doctor...
Curly is in his gown waiting for the doctor. The door opens and Orin the Orderly dressed in sweats, I mean scrubs, comes in and is carrying a hacksaw. Curly sheepishly cries out, jumping at least a foot in the air, "yaaa aaahh"
"What are you gonna do with that?" wonders Curly, pointing his shaking arm at the saw.
"Saw off a limb."
Curly gulps and beads of sweat form on his forehead. Orin with a devious smile starts sharpening the hacksaw.
"This will cut through any limb." He holds it up to the light, eyeing the sharp edge.
Curly: "Um. Which limb are you gonna cut?"
"The tree out front. Doc InBox asked me to do it between operations."
Wheewww. Curly is relieved.
Curly is bored waiting. He starts going through the drawers in the room.
"Hmmmm. Cotton candy." Curly starts munching a bag of cotton.
2:18 PM
Nurse Exiguous walks in reading from her clipboard.
"20 pushups.
Stand on head.
Fifteen back flips.
Stand on your head…"
Curly pants, "Are you sure this is part of the treatment?"
N.E. turns, "You've been doing those things? Idiot! I'm reading my daughter's list of things she wants to accomplish in 5th grade gym class."
3:41 PM
Doc InBox is in surgery
"Scalpel"
Nurse Efilate passes the scalpel.
Doc, "Time for my break. Nurse, call someone else to finish this heart transplant." Doc walks out the door and into the break room where he buys himself a cheap cup of coffee.
4:33 PM
Doctor InBox finally shows up.
Curly: "Hi Doc. Your cotton candy is not very sweet...say, you look familiar. Why you're the guy that took our order at McDonald's!"
Nurse pokes her head in the door, "Doc, there is an invisible man in the lobby."
DIB, "Tell him I can't seem him now."
DIB: "I need to make ends meet. Now, stick out your tongue and say ‘Ahhh'"
DIB shoves a Popsicle stick in Curly's mouth and starts looking around. Curly bites down on it and eats it.
"Hey, you're not supposed to eat that!"
"Well then, don't stick it in my mouth!"
DIB shakes his head. He looks over Curly's face. "You look like a spotted raccoon. I need to make a consultation phone call." DIB dials a number and waits. He presses 4 and waits. Then he presses 6 and waits. Finally...
DIB speaks in the phone: "I have a case of Squawkimonous Pfleborious. What treatment should I prescribe?"
DIB waits a minute then says: "I'll use lifeline #2. Take away two of the choices. Hmmmm. I'll choose C. And that's my final diagnosis."
Curly looks at DIB in disbelief.
DIB gets an ear looker-inner out of the drawer then peaks inside Curly's ear.
Nothing in there is scribbled in DIB's notebook.
DIB conks Curly on the head with a reflex hammer. An echo sound is heard.
DIB gives Curly a bottle of pills. "Take one of these then skip an hour. Take them until they are all gone. Goodbye."
Curly: "But Doc, I..."
DIB hurries out of the room while Curly gets dressed and leaves.
4:44 PM
Curly is out in the lobby with Moe and Larry.
Larry: "How did things go?"
Curly: "I have to go to the pharmacy and get a jump rope."
"What??" Moe grabs the pills from Curly and reads the bottle. "He's right. Take a pill then skip an hour. What a strange cure."
4:58 PM
Doc Inbox
Doc loudly whispers, "Gentlemen, I don't like the looks of your friend."
Larry, "Neither do we, but that is how he was born."
Doc hands Curly a note, "I'm sorry but you will have to take these pills for the rest of your life. Here is a prescription."
Curly reads the prescription: "30 day supply. No refills."
"WAaaah! I'm only gonna live thirty days. Wahhh!" Curly sobs.
5:54 PM
Curly is in the lobby and tired from skipping rope for an hour.
Nurse Phlake (pronounced Flah Kay) comes around the corner just in time to see a tired Curly skipping rope.
"What are you doing, you idiot?"
Curly stops and is panting: "I'm following the Doc's directions: Take a pill and skip an hour. And am I tired."
"You zero. No, you are not even that. You are supposed to wait an hour not play jump rope."
Moe conks Curly on the head and pulls out a tuft of Larry's hair. "You imbeciles! Can't you read?"
NP slaps all three at the same time.
"Take this leopard home. Now get out of here!" NP picks up a pipe wrench and chases MLC out the front door.
6:33 PM
MLC are back home.
"How are we gonna cure Curly?" wonders Larry.
Curly: "I'm gonna lay down." He goes to his room and sacks out.
Moe peaks in. He sees something dripping from the ceiling. Moe walks over and tastes it. It's paint!
Moe wakes up Curly with a nose twist: "You wombat! No wonder you have blue dots! Blue paint is dripping from the ceiling! You're not sick."
Curly: "I painted the ceiling last night because..."
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© Apr 2001, Doug DePrenger