212 - Hogan's Zeros - NY,NY

Moe, Larry, and Shemp help Colonel Hogan save New York from a grisly ending.

Scene I

Stalag 13, Hammelburg, Germany, 1944. Colonel Klink’s office.

"KLIIIIINK!"

Fumbling with his monocle on the run, Colonel Klink greets his guest at the door. "General Burkhalter. How nice to see you!"

"I can’t say the same. Did you greet the new guards I sent over?" snarls Burkhalter, looking out the window near Klink’s desk admiring the barbed wire, chain link fence and Helga.

"Why yes, General. They are in the mess hall at this very moment."

"I suggest giving them your dinner. They are my cousins."

"But General! What will I eat?" protests Klink, carefully slamming down his staff.

"You can eat tree bark for all I care, Klink."

"But I’m allergic to acorns!"

"I’m sure you are allergic to the Russian front, too!"

"Yes, General," sighs Klink.

General Burkhalter walks out the door with Colonel Klink obediently following him.

"Um, General. What are we building in the back of the Stalag? A dance hall, perhaps?"

Without breaking stride, Burkhalter answers, "Klink, the only dancing you will do is at the end of a rope if you don’t mind your own business."

Scene II

At the Stalag mess hall…

Larry peppers his potato and ponders, "Moe. Why did you tell that German general you were his cousin?"

Moe nods as the waiter offers to fill his wine glass, "Look at us! We are being treated like royalty."

"If they find out we are Americans, we’ll have a nice dinner…our last one!"

Totally inveigled about their role, Larry asks, "What are we supposed to guard?"

Shemp, "Whatever a guard guards, that’s what a guard guards."

Moe, "Guard this!"

"Why do you always give me an eyepoke?"

"You’re right." "Is that better?"

Colonel Klink storms into his office, not even glancing at Helga, with one thought on his mind.

"SHUUUUUUUULLTTTZ!"

Sergeant Shultz shuffles to his calling.

"Yes, my Commandant" clicks his heels and salutes.

Klink circles his desk like a vulture, staff tightly clutched in hand, "I want you to make sure those new guards are fed well!"

"Yes, my Commandant."

"Is that all you can say?"

"Yes, my Commandant."

"Get out of heeeere!"

"Yes, my Commandant." Sergeant Shultz salutes and waddles toward the mess hall.

"Oooo, Sergeants!" Klink pretends to go to work.

"Oooo. Commandants," mutters Shultz as he lumbers to the mess hall.

Scene III

Inside a coffee pot upon the stove of Colonel Klink’s office.

"Col-o-nel."

"Yes, LeBeau," answers Colonel Hogan unconsciously scratching his head, thinking about something else.

"Klink has new guards assigned to the secret building." LeBeau hangs up his headphones on a nearby nail.

"Who really assigned them?"

"General Burkhalter."

"Hmmm. Must be serious," says Hogan, stroking his chin for ideas.

Carter caresses a stick of dynamite, "You want me to blow up something?"

"Not yet, Carter. We need to find out what is in the new building."

Shultz stoically stands in front of his new privates, "You men follow me."

Shemp scans his girth. "We can’t help it."

Larry whispers to Moe, "Are we men?"

"No, you’re mice."

Shultz leads the way to the Stooges new assignment.

"Orders are to guard this with your life!" Shultz reads from a memorandum.

Larry shivers, "My life? How about someone else’s?"

"What are we guarding?"

Shultz does not look up, "That building."

"What’s in the building?"

Larry, "The inside of the building."

Larry rubs his eyes from another eyepoke.

"Danke, Herr Moe" says Shultz.

"Hair?" "Here’s some of Larry’s" Moe hands Shultz a tuft.

Hogan accosts Shultz in front of the inner sanctum, "Shultz. What is in the new building?"

"I see nothing. I know nothing. I am nothing!"

Hogan looks over the Schultz expanse. "I wouldn’t say you are nothing."

"A new dance hall, perhaps?" wonders Newkirk out loud.

"My lips are sealed." Shultz zips his lips shut.

Shultz reaches over to Larry and gets a free sample.

"Ouch! You tore out my hair!"

Shultz, "Colonel Klink wants me to test everything for authenticity."

Larry rubs his wound. "It is real."

Klink’s door flies open with no warning. Another guest arrives…

"Oh, a party! Major Hochestetter and General Burkhalter."

Colonel Klink breaks out a bottle of Germany’s finest Schnapps under salivating smile of Sergeant Shultz who quietly sets down one extra glass.

"Quiet Klink. I’m investigating anyone showing interest in our new building."

Klink reads the riot act. "Our building? The building is on Stalag property and that makes it…"

Burkhalter interrupts with a staff to the head, "Klink. You have been trumped."

"Our building? I meant yoooour building General."

Klink silently broods.

Troops continue to load unmarked boxes into the new building. As soon as they are done, off they go for another load. The backup for unloading is usually fifteen transports. The entire Stalag watches.

Colonel Klink, holding his staff, struts in double-time toward a menacing figure. "Hooogaaaaan! Why are you near the secret building?"

"I don’t like secrets."

"ARREST THAT MAAAAN!"

Major Hochestetter leads a group of guards who encircle Colonel Hogan.

Hogan protests, "You can’t arrest me!"

"Lock him up!" orders Hochestetter.

My lawyer is gonna hear about this is a useless cry as Hogan is quickly escorted to jail.

Scene IV

Inside a small room adjunct to Colonel Klink’s office…

Sergeant Schultz hands Burkhalter’s cousins a box of maps.

"My order is Commandant Klink’s order which is to order you to circle New York City on these maps in red pen. The Fuehrer himself called us from Berlin."

Moe takes the handoff from Sergeant Shultz and lays the maps on the only desk in the room. "Yes, Mr. Shultz."

"Mr. Shultz?" Shultz readies his rifle. "That does not sound very German to me."

Moe backpedals, "Why it is the new thing in the upper echelon of the German High Command. Even Mr. Fuehrer does it!"

"Mr. Fuehrer? That is all I need to know." Shultz snaps a crisp salute to himself, smartly turns around, and leaves.

Shemp unfolds his first map and starts in on his assignment, "I didn’t know the Fuehrer lives in New York."

What is the furor over the Fuehrer wonders Larry.

Scene IV

Outside the barracks in noon’s sunshine…

Kinchloe posits, "How do we get the Colonel out of the cooler?"

Newkirk chips in, "Hochestetter has him locked up tight."

Kinchloe, "Carter. You need to dress up as a guard and see what is in that building."

"Ja vole."

"Don’t heil in here!"

"I mean ok."

"Hiya Kernel!" greets Moe, barging in on Colonel Klink, followed by Larry and Shemp.

"And who are you?" Klink icily asks.

"Why, we are the Three Guards – All for one. One for All. Every man for himself!"

"You sound like the Three Dummkopfs!"

A one-finger eye poke.

Klink rubs the finger out of his eye, "Eyepoking a German officer. That will be thirty days in the cooler!"

Moe, "I gave you half an eyepoke."

"Half?"

Moe gently removes Klink’s monocle. "Hold this."

"Now what?"

"This!"

"That’s a real one – both fingers."

"SHUULTZ! Throw them in the cooler! Schnell!"

"Yes, my Commandant!"

…barracks dressing room

"Carter, you look more German than the Germans!"

"Ja."

Carter goose steps to the front of the secret building and addresses one of the guards: "You have been reassigned to guard the rain barrel in front of Colonel Klink’s office."

"I have been ordered to guard this building!" argues the guard.

Carter, "Are you arguing with Hitler’s nephew??"

"The Fuehrer’s nephew?" The new recruit fumbles his rifle. "I’m on my way."

Carter shoos him away as he starts his new assignment, "Stop saluting me so many times. You’re like a fan on high."

Scene V

Colonel Hogan listens intently as another miscreant is thrown in the cooler

Hogan taps on the wall, "Who are you?"

"Colonel Klink," sighs Colonel Klink.

"Colonel Klink? What are you doing in here?"

"I arrested General Burkhalter’s cousins and now they have arrested me. I’m here for thirty days."

"Only thirty days to go! I’ll beat you out of here. Mind if I take Helga to the movies?" gloats Colonel Hogan.

"Hooogaaann!"

"Carter, you’re back!"

Carter is breathless. "I’ve never seen bigger planes. B b b b big. Gigantic. Huuuge! Six engines. They are huuuuuge!"

LeBeau, "What are we to do?"

Carter is focused on his watch. "I set a surprise that will be heard for miles around. It should go off in a few minutes."

Kinchloe, "I’ll bet. We have no more dynamite."

Moe, Larry, and Shemp are wandering around the secret building trying to drum up some excitement.

Shemp spots something in the dirt. "A string! Just what I need for my kite."

He reels it in until…"The string is burning! Aaaiiieeee!" runs over to mud puddle and douses it.

Carter slams the window to his barracks in disgust. "That idiot new guard yanked out the fuse. Now what?"

The rest of the group shakes their heads in wonder.

Scene VI

Desperate situations call for desperate acts. Cellblock nine occupants are gathered around Carter/Newkirk/Kinchloe bunk, in deep discussion…

Kinchloe slams down his fist. "We are short of time. Tonight, we take things into our own hands."

2 AM, Central German Time…

"It is too dark outside to see anything."

"Quit complaining, LeBeau. That is the idea – so we are not seen," answers Kinch.

Carter douses the secret building with gasoline.

"Quick, light it!"

Newkirk goes through several matches but no luck.

Kinchloe smells the gas can. "This is water, not gas. It has been…"

"Run! The guards"

Carter, Newkirk, and Kinchloe scatter like mice.

Carter peeks from behind an unoccupied barracks to assess the damage while Kinchloe stays hidden in the doorway.

LeBeau lifts his head out of an empty rain barrel and looks around then lowers periscope.

Burkhalter walks by flicking his spent cigarette into the wind, focused on his next assignment.

"Le Owwww!" LeBeau leaps out of his hiding place, pants on fire, into the waiting arms of the Gestapo.

Scene VI

Atop an unpainted Douglas fir platform in front of the heavily guarded secret building draped with bunting and plenty of "fans". Today’s speaker – General Burkhalter.

"Tooodaaaay will be marked as a great day in history. Germany will be proud when our secret weapon has completed its mission. Introducing…the New Yorker!"

The large white doors open and a Panther tank tows out the first plane.

Klink leans over to the General and asks, "Can the pilot pick me up a few cartons of American cigarettes? They make wonderful…"

"Shut up, Klink."

At the cooler…

Hogan greets his new cellmate, "LeBeau, what are you doing here?"

"I was listening in on Klink and Burkhalter but my pants caught on fire. They have a secret weapon called a New Yorker – a bomber with six engines and enough fuel to reach New York. It leaves today."

"I hear the engines." Hogan is at a loss for words. "This is the first time we’ve failed in our mission."

Shading his eyes from the overhead sun, Newkirk scans the skies, "There go the planes."

Carter hangs his head, "There goes New York."

Epilogue

General Burkhalter’s entourage nearly runs over the guards getting into Stalag 13. Colonel Klink is there to greet him.

Burkhalter is out of the staff car before it stops. "KLIIIINK! The planes you guarded bombed Berlin, not New York! The Fuehrer is furious! His favorite jail was blown up. He wants my head."

"I don’t understand. I gave them the maps myself," Klink says in his defense offering a map.

"Let me see that."

Burkhalter scans the map for a few moments. "

"Klink, you idiot! Why is Berlin circled?"

"Berlin?"

"Your cousins made up the maps."

"Cousins?" Burkhalter is fuming. "I don’t have any cousins."

"SCHUULTZ where are those new guaaaaards?"

"Outside, my Commandant."

Gen Burkhalter frowns at the thought of his head on a platter. Colonel Klink frowns at the thought of his head next to General Burkhalter’s.

Moe spies eyes watching him. "Uh oh. I don’t like the looks of that overstuffed General."

"I never did either."

I don’t think he likes the looks of you.

He’s coming to where we are.

"You mean where we were. Let’s go!"

"I’ve never driven an armored car," says Shemp, furiously pushing buttons and pulling levers.

Burkhalter dives into nearby bushes faster than Klink. "No, Shemp! That’s the flak gun."

"Here we go."

"WHOOOAAAAAA"

Larry looks back at the damage. "You ran over the guard shack!"

"Let’s get outta here!!"

Hogan closes the cooler’s window and smiles, "Those 3 musketeers saved New York."

"All for one. One for All. Every man for himself!" fades as the armored car weaves down the only road to town.

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