213 - I am the Tax Man

The Flaws are guests on the Tonight Show with host Jay Leno.

Scene I

It is Monday night and Jay is finishing up 'Headlines' portion of his program.

Jay looks over at director Fred, "Last one?" then nods his head in agreement.

Jay shakes his head then points to his temple. "I love these dumb criminals."

He shows a black placard with a newspaper clipping on it and reads the back of it.
"This rocket scientist goes into a 7-11 to rob it donning a nylon stocking over his face and a gun in his hand. After clearing out the cash register and swiping a 6 pack of beer, the cashier asks for his ID.

"ID?"

The cashier points to a cardboard cutout of a mean-looking cop on it pointing like Uncle Sam in his "I want you!" pose with "You know the law. No one under 21 can have beer" emblazoned on a bubble near his mouth.

As the bandit struggles pulling out his ID, he snidely remarks, "You guys are so fastidious."

Jay laughs to himself as he shakes his head, "The police arrested him at his home after they found out the name and phone number on the ID was the real thing."

With a final smirk, Jay tosses the placard over his shoulder then stands up and announces, "Our first guest is three of the oddest characters anyone has ever seen. They are not even famous; more like infamous - just tax collectors. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Three Flaws."

While the audience applauds, Jay smiles and walks over to the side entrance to meet his guests...and waits...and waits...With his smile decreasing, he nervously glances at the audience and his watch a few times as his foot tapping grows faster.

"The Flaws!"

Nothing.

Jay, with an upside down smile and red in the face by this time, proceeds to the next thing. "I'll be right back." He walks backstage (with the camera following) where the audience hears:

"Ouuch!" (Jay's voice)

"We got him."

Waiting in the wings, Moe emerges and eyepokes Jay. "Ok. You're not throwing us out that door. We are tired of being tossed out of work."

"But. But..."

Larry pulls out a tuft of Jay's hair. "Yeah. I didn't even get my uniform on yet."

Jay takes over. "Wait a minute! What are you talking about?"

"Aren't you the guard that tried to throw us out of the door?"

"You morons! The 'door' is the stage entrance. You're supposed to go out it to be interviewed on my show. Now get this bear trap off my leg!"

After a few minutes of delay, Jay hobbles back on stage to reintroduce his guests.

 

Moe is the first to walk out.

Jay extends his hand in friendship, "Hi Moe!"

Moe extends two fingers - into Jay's eyes.

Curly is next. He gets near Jay and attacks him with his rotund stomach, bouncing Jay backwards several steps into his desk.

"I'm a retired Stooge," he announces as he takes a seat in the first row.

Larry is behind Curly. His introduction is pulling a tuft of hair out of Jay's head.

Doug comes out with two antennas sticking out of his head which, every few seconds, emit a few bolts of electricity between them with a crackling sound. He greets Jay with a 25,000 volt hand buzzer.

Pointing to the several guest chairs next to his desk, Jay motions the Flaws to have a seat as he sits down in his comfy chair.

"OWWWW!" A suit from backstage runs out to check on his boss.

"You sat on about 20 thumbtacks." He inspects the damage, "I've seen this brand before. They have..."

"Shut up!" Jay, who is bent over, points to his problem and winces "Get them oooooout!"

Doug, "Jay, you idiot! You sat on my tacks collection."

"Owww. Tacks collection?"

"Yeah. We collect tacks. Isn't that why we were invited on your show?"

"Oooo. Yes, but..."

"Well then. You have 20 rare tacks in your butt. Now give them back."

Moe shoves the suit aside and announces, "I have experience at this."

He pulls out some pliers with felt around the teeth and begins, "She loves me."

Doug shows everyone the first rarity, "Oh, the unique 19^th century Wyoming tack made by..."
Jay, "Shaddup and get these nemesis's's's out of me!"

"She loves me not."

"Oooooo" Larry slaps Jay on the head, "Quiet!"

Moe, "Oh. A stubborn one." Moe wrestles with it (twisting iron sound) and finally gets his man.

Moe holds up his latest rusty extraction to the audience, "This rarity actually held up the Declaration of Independence on George Washington's bulletin board. Legend has it that George himself forged it in his own blacksmith shop."

"Oooooooo!!" The audience is enamored, "What's next?"

The bent over Jay points to the guilty party, "Stop with the shenanigans and get those things out."

Doug's antennas sparkle with electricity, "I know! I'll get that giant magnet in my dressing room. We can remove the tacks all at once so they'll never attack you again!"

 

Jay, who is still bent over showing his newly acquired tacks and the audience laughing so hard some of them had to run to the restroom, "Hurry!"

Doug leaves the stage and returns a few minutes later, pushing a giant magnet on a dolly. He creeps up to Jay but falls down and the magnet slides over to the front of the audience.

"Oooh. My bridgework," cries one guest.

Larry, "Push Jay over to the magnet."

Moe and Larry are pushing one way while Doug is pushing the other way.

Moe slaps him, "Push, porcupine!"

The Flaws shove Jay toward the magnet but he misses it and falls into the lap of a 300 pound burly bruiser in the front row.

"Get off of me you queer!" Paul Bunyan picks up Jay over his head, spins around a few times then hurls him back on stage into several folding chairs.

Doug's antennas sparkle again, "I know! I'll be right back."

Jay, "Every time he has an idea, I get it." The audience roars with laughter.

He leaves and comes back in a few minutes with a bag.

Doug nails Jay's shoes to the stage.

Jay, "I don't mean to butt in, but WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"

"Quiet!" Doug conks him on the head with his hammer then he confides to the audience in a loud whisper, "My plan, Z3 as it is know in the inner sanctum, it this: if we can't get you to the magnet, we'll bring the magnet to you. Now, don't go away."

Jay turns the best he can to the audience, "Stop laughing at me. You're supposed to laugh with me." The audience hoots even louder.

Posing like a referee starting a track meet, Doug aims the gun high in the air, "Ok, when I count three, all push the magnet toward Jay."

In unison, "One."

"Um. Er..."
Jay yells out, "THREE, for crying out loud! OOoooo"

As the Flaws push the magnet near Jay, he lets out a yelp, "Oooo. Go back! Go back! Reverrrrrrrse! Owwww!"

Doug does a few calculations on a piece of paper then reads the verdict, "Oops. The magnet is facing the wrong way. It is pushing the tacks in deeper."

"Get these tacks out!"

Doug rubs his chin, "They went in. They must be income tacks."

The audience roars with laughter. "That's not funny!", yells Jay, still bent over with a buttful of tacks.

Moe walks around front and twists Jay's nose like a pinwheel. "Quiet titmouse."

Jay waves his hands to the gaffer, "Noooo! Not now!"

-- the Stooges and the sponsor take a long commercial break

"We are gonna use my plan."

"No, mine!"

Moe stomps on Doug's foot. "Mine. I'm the boss."

Doug clobbers Moe over the head with a chair. "My plan is the plan, man."

Moe goes up behind Doug and kicks him - only to miss and fall down on the stage. When Doug turns around, Larry slaps him, "My plan will work. I have a system..."

While the argument continues, Jay takes off his shoes and, still hunched over, creeps over to the magnet backwards until - all the thumbtacks are out and residing on the magnet.

Jay rubs his war wounds, "I'll have to do everything standing up - including sitting down."

He starts to walk over to his chair when "Ouch!"

Jay hops around on one foot, holding the other. "Why did you drop a bowling ball on my foot???"

"Sit down!" Moe slams Jay down on the magnet where he is reunited with his tacks.

"Oooooo!" Jay jumps up and runs around like a chicken with his head cut off grunting and groaning.

Kevin, Jay's sidekick and bandleader, puts in his view, "Jay, you have spent fifteen minutes trying to get your guests seated but it looks like you've been 'seated'."

Jay is finally gotten to, "You're gonna get seated - in the unemployment line!"

Kevin grunts and goes back to playing the Beatle's tune 'I am the Taxman' on his guitar.

"Here, Jay. A new pair of shoes - Coochie Gucci." Doug brings out a peace offering.

"Thanks." Jay dons his new Guccis and walks over to the host chair which has a big soft pillow on it.

Jay carefully parks himself and surreptitiously tries to removes his shoes. "Hey! I can't remove these shoes!"

Doug, "Soitenly, Jayee Wayee. I put glue in them since you've had so much trouble keeping them on."

"Will this night ever end?" mumbles Jay as he picks up his coffee mug and takes a big slug. Steam gushes out of Jay's mouth and ears.

"Water water water!" Jay jumps up and runs around frantically looking for some H 2 O. He spies a three quart carafe near Kevin, runs over and guzzles the whole thing. The audience is in an uproar.

After Jay calms down, he barely gets the words out, "What was in my coffee?"

Doug assures Jay it was a new flavoring, "Dave's Insanity Sauce. Rated 100,000 scoville¹ units. Lots of it. The other day during your interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger you complained to the whole world how tasteless and flat your coffee is. Not any more."

Wisps of steam still emanate from the side of Jay's mouth as he prepares to interview. The Flaws are standing around Jay's desk aimlessly whistling with their hands in their pockets and their heads toward the ceiling furtively glancing over to the guest chairs every once in a while.

"Oh. Have a seat." Jay points to the one nearest him as he slowly sits down on his double-pillowed chair.

"It's mine!"

"No mine."

"Get off me!"

"Ouch! You bit my ear."

Doug, "Get off of my foot"

Moe slaps him, "That is not my foot. It is yours."
"Ok you asked for it." Doug stomps on the 'foot' then yelps out in pain. "Ooooooch. It is my foot."

Jay looks over at the scene, shakes his head and throws up his hands. "How am I gonna interview all of you at the same time?"

Big Mistake.

"I wanna interview first!"

"No, me!"

Moe bonks their heads together. "It's my turn."

"YEOOWWW!" Doug pokes Larry with a #4 stainless steel sewing needle. "My interview."

Larry keys Moe...with the handle end of the key.

Jay slaps them all in the face. "Shaddup!"

Jay goes to center stage and announces, "I haven't even had time to interview the Flaws. My next guest is..."

Rodney Dangerfield, dressed in his pajamas, walks out on stage, grabs the mike from Jay, and points to the Flaws.

"These guys are great!" The audience cheers as Rodney walks around the stage doing his routine. "I wanna watch the interview. I don't get no respect. My twin brother...he forgot my birthday."

"My birthday party guests played pin the tail on the donkey - I was the donkey!"

"My Mom cut out a coupon from the paper for twenty dollars. She wanted to turn me in for the rebate."

"My Dad and I played hide and seek so I went and hid - he never tried to find me."

"My wife wanted to have sex one night. (his eyes light up) I said sure, let's go. She leads me to the neighbors to watch. I don't get no respect..."

Rodney sits down next to the Flaws who are still seated on top of each other.

"You guys are stacked up like pancakes."

"Why do you have trouble finding work?"

"No one want to hire us."

"What skills to you have?"

Larry pipes up, "I have a Skilsaw I inherited from..."

Moe pulls out a souvenir from Larry's head.

Jay, still standing up, "Thanks, Moe."

Jay, "Tax collectors? I thought you guys worked for the IRS."

"We do. The International Retack Society. They deal in secondary tacks."

Jay looks over Rodney's attire, "I think you took a wrong turn on the way to the bedroom."

"I don't get no respect. My wife labeled the front door 'bedroom'. As soon as I stepped out, the door slammed shut and I heard 20 locks lock."

-- commercial break

Scene II

Jay's plan B

"Ok youse guys. Follow me outside. We're gonna do something special!"

Jay leads the entourage outside to his car. He remotely pops the trunk open.

"Saayyyyy. Look inside the trunk! Look at all those rare tacks!"

The Flaws all stick their heads inside.

"What?"

"Where?"

"Owwwch. You bit my nose!"

"Ewwww. Who ate garlic?"

"What the..."

"Lemme out!"

Jay slams the trunk then wipes his hands "Hah! That is that."

"As a special, we are gonna do one more headline."

Jay holds up a placard with a picture of the Flaws; he laughs and shakes his head.

"Boy, are they stupid."
Audience, "HOW STUPID ARE THEY?"

Jay does a courtesy laugh and continues, "These morons fell for the oldest trick in the book. I had them 'look' inside my car trunk then pushed them in and slammed the lid shut. Can you believe it?"

A dented up light blue trunk lid bounces across the stage. Jay's eyes are wide open - the color looks familiar.

Jay continues, little beads of sweat form on his forehead, "Um. Errrr. Yes, they are dumb."

A passenger door with a broken window bounces across the stage and nudges the trunk lid.

"Ahhh. Just a minute." Jay picks up a baseball bat and storms backstage.

Kevin stands up and follows, dragging his amp and pedals through the hall because he forgot to unplug them from his guitar, "I've gotta see this!"

Just outside the studio, Jay is standing over his light blue '57 Studebaker which, coincidentally, is missing a trunk lid and a passenger door. He looks up and sees three shadows running away with laughter fading. one shadow runs into a light pole - then continues escaping. A cop on Fifth and Main watches as three snickering shadows race by with a man and his ball bat in hot pursuit.

Rodney is standing in the doorway of NBC watching the whole incident. He shakes his head, "Jay don't get no respect."

 

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© Nov 2001 Doug DePrenger

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