214 - Keep out of Truckin
Moe, Larry, and Curly become cross-country truck drivers.
Scene I
10:18 AM. Downtown San Diego. 'Jobs Jobs Jobs Recruiters' at the corner of Curds and Way. MLC are at the office - training to interview for a job.
Inside a closet marked 'Janitor', J.J. Jobs cracks the door and looks around for witnesses; seeing none, he shuts the door and quickly presents Moe, Larry, and Curly their diplomas.
"Why are you giving us our diplomas in a closet?"
JJ, "Because I don't want to be seen with you. Here. Take your diploma and go. You were smarter before you graduated."
Larry quickly unfurls his and cannot believe what he sees. "HEY! These sheepskins are blank!"
JJ reminds Larry, "A diploma is a culmination of what you are worth and what you learned."
JJ continues, "Ok, you are all done with the recruiting school. Now go out and get a job! Muscles! Iron!"
Two beefy guards appear out of nowhere and escort MLC out of the building as fast as possible.
JJ returns to the closet to finish the graduation of MLC - he gives the coronation speech in a pillow: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"
Scene II
11:14 AM. San Diego. Job hunting starts.
Curly reluctantly approaches the door - it is his first try at a job. He slicks his crew cut back, brushes himself off, and straightens up his tie.
The door creaks opens. Curly barges in and immediately starts into his sales pitch, "Hi! I want to apply for a job. My impeccables are credential."
Curly waits a few seconds, "Oh, the silent treatment. Just a minute..."
Curly rifles his pockets then pulls out a cue card, "I want to apply for, ummm, eggs, milk, and butter."
"You don't talk much," Curly asks after waiting and waiting.
"HEY!" A loud voice beckons.
"You DO talk!" Curly turns to look.
A head peeks out from behind, "You're interviewing with a cardboard cutout of Mr. Clean! I'M the boss."
"Hmmmm." Curly looks him over.
"You turniphead! Don't you recognize me?"
Curly looks him over, "No, but your face looks familiar."
JJ: "I'm the head of the recruiting class you just graduated from. You just came back to where you came from. GO OUT AND GET A JOB!"
"Where?"
JJ points outside, "Out there!"
As Curly scans the horizon of "out there", JJ pulls Curly's suspenders back as far as they go and snaps them. Our buddy is hurled through the revolving door and out on the pavement where he meets with Moe and Larry who are scouring the employment section of the San Diego Union-Tribune.
Moe and Larry surround him, "How did it go?"
"I was fired before I got hired."
Larry points to small print in the paper and pipes up, "Here's an ad: Wanted. Paint expert. Apply now."
"Hmmm. The place is one block from here." Moe points to Curly, "You are the paint expert."
Curly shrugs his shoulders, "But Moe, I don't know anything about paint."
"Ya open a can, pick up a brush, and apply it. Period. C'mon Rembrandt."
"But Moe..."
"Ow. Ow. Ow." Moe sticks his pinky up Curly's nose and drags him down to the hardware store.
"Ok, Curly. Knock 'em dead!" Moe gives him a little shove toward the door.
Curly goes into King Hardware for his first real job interview.
The nearest cashier turns to help. "Hello, may I help you?"
"I wanna job."
"You need to interview for the job."
"Interview? Isn't that the latest dance?"
Bossanova music starts up over the store's PA system. Curly grabs a full-size cardboard figure of Madonna selling ten penny galvanized roofing nails with the subtitle "I wanna nail you!" and starts dancing the Watusi around the cash register.
C'mon Casanova." Mr. King sticks the eraser end of a new #2 yellow pencil with the words 'Fine Turnip Wine' embossed in ersatz gold up Curly's nose and drags him to the back room to continue the interview.
Out front...
Moe and Larry are pacing in front of the store - biting their nails and running into each other every once in a while. Then...
Curly flies out of the door and
Moe and Larry run up to Curly and help him up. "What happened?"
"I was fired from my interview."
Moe wonders, "What?"
Curly, "He asked me to set up a ladder and paint part of a wall. It was one of his interview questions."
"So?"
"So I climb the ladder with a full paint bucket in my hand and a camel's hair 4-inch brush clenched in my teeth. I ask him matter-of-factly 'what is the capacity of this bucket?' He says 'It is generally stamped on the bottom'.
"So?"
"So Mr. King is now Mr. Bone White."
Larry suddenly remembers something...
"I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a semi. They always need truckers."
"What was the number?"
"It said 'How is my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SH' something. I didn't get the last two letters. That sound like my type of place."
"There's a place we can start." Larry points to a run-down phone booth with cracked glass next to 'Clems Curio Shop'.
"Let's go!" Moe grabs Larry and Curly by the nose with his pet pliers and drags them down to the corner.
Though he can barely move inside, Moe flips through the pages in the phone book under 'Trucking' and finds all sorts of leads. He dials the first one, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA Trucking."
Voice at other end of phoe, "Hello?"
Moe, "We're looking for a job. Got any?"
Voice, "No. Try my cousin AAAAAAAAAAAAA."
Moe starts dialing again as he mumbles to himself, "I'll try his cousin. He must be from Arkansas."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA Trucking. May I help you?"
"Yes, this is Moe Howard. Is your firm hiring?"
"We are always looking for a few good men. How about coming in for an interview?"
"Sure! Where are you located?"
"Look in the phone book."
"What?"
"The phone book in front of you."
"You must be haunted."
Scene III
The hiring.
Inside a windowless office with a grey desk and a reddish plastic chair holding up the interviewer. Curly is seated on a cushioned chair with springs showing.
Curly takes a furtive glance at his queue cards from 'Jobs Jobs Jobs' before starting his plea for some work. "Hi! My name is blank. I'm interested in the blankety-blank job. Ok, Mr. Blank?"
Ima, the interviewer, smiles. "Weeeelll! You must be my cousin! Another Blank. I'm a Blank - Ima Blank. My daddy, Isa Blank, was a blank working at the bank on the bank of the Blank River. Grandpa, whose moniker is Wasa Blank who was Isa Blank before he changed his name from the European name, Eura Blank to Youra Blank and his brother was Isa Blank, owns the Youra bank which was bought from yournota blank. You're hired, cousin. And your friends, too."
"Thanks, Blank!"
"My friends call me Space."
"Go meet E.F. for your truck route. He's out back."
Scene IV
'AAAAAAAAAAAAA Trucking' office overlooking the smoky trucking yard. Mr. E. Foreman the foreman, who needs things done by four, man, is giving the boys their first assignment.
Moe recognizes E.F. from a past life, "Say, didn't you used to work for the DOT?" (see 'DOT com' story)
"Yes, I got fired for hiring you guys. 23 years on the job. And a crappy pension. Line up on this line." E.F. points to a faded white line about six feet long painted on the floor of the office.
"Take the truck to Boston and drop off the load of chickens at E.B.B. Soup and Featherduster plant then pick up a load of bowling balls across town at Gutter-Les Bowling Balls, Inc. Bring them back here for distribution to the local alleys."
"Which rig do we take?"
"The 'Black Banana'. Our most experienced truck. Some of the lettering has faded, but she is a proud truck. C'mon, I'll show you."
E.F. leads Moe, Larry, and Curly out to the far corner of the lot.
Boss E. introduces a dilapidated, old piece of scrap iron. "There she is, boys. Why, the radio has the original tubes in it."
Larry rubs his hands together in excitement. "Oh boy! I can hear some oldies."
Boss E. walks away but turns around after a few steps and hands Curly a bent-up pipe. "Oh, I almost forgot. Here - use this crank to start up the 'Banana'. Later gator."
This time Boss E. does not turn around as he heads back to the warmth of his office.
Moe and Larry climb in the truck while Curly stands outside, ready to start the engine.
"Ok, go!"
Curly turns the crank a few revolutions and...the truck comes to life. He pulls out the crank, runs up into the passenger side of the cab and jumps in.
"I was skeptical about the 'Black Banana' but she sounds pretty good!"
"Where do we get the chickens?"
Moe, "Hmmm. E.F. never told us. I saw a farm a few miles down the road. We can get some there."
On I-5 in the right lane...
"The truck runs awfully slow...we're barely doing 10 mph."
Moe opens the glove compartment, dusts off the owner's manual and checks out the author.
"Hah! Mark Twain wrote this owner's manual."
After thumbing through the manual for a few minutes, he finds what he wants, "Here we go...'To increase speed on the truck one must shift the gears.' Ok, Larry, shift the gears."
"Hmmm. That sounded funny. Keep reading Moe."
"In order to shift the gears, one must push in the clutch then shift the gear, then let out the clutch."
"Ok, I'll try again."
Larry pushes in the 'clutch' and shifts.
"Still sounds bad. Here. Does this clutch look okay to you?" Larry hands him a red hot cigarette lighter.
Sinister Moe inspects the end of it and remarks, "It will do," then shoves it on the end of Larry's nose.
"Owww! My proboscis!"
"That is the clutch you moron!" Moe points to the clutch pedal.
Larry pushes the clutch pedal, shifts the gear, and lets it out with a slight jerk.
"Hey! The manual was right. We can go faster."
Scene IV
Just outside San Diego in front of the 'Big Fanny Farms and Surf boards' farmhouse.
Moe looks around the place as he eases the truck into the gravel driveway. "It looks like no one is home."
Curly wonders out loud, "What do chickens look like?"
A snappy answer from Larry, "They come in a Styrofoam tray and are sealed with Gladwrap. The price..."
"GO FIND THE CHICKENS!" stammers Moe.
After a few minutes of scouting around, Curly bounces up and down with excitement. "Here! Here! Here they are."
Moe and Larry run over to Curly. "Wow! These chickens are bigger than I thought."
"Yeah. How do we fit those in a package?"
Larry picks up a chicken to toss in the trailer. "Jeez. This chicken weighs a ton."
Curly, "Hey Moe. Do you know where the leashes are?"
"Just herd them onto the truck."
The Stooges escort and nudge several chickens into the trailer.
Curly closely inspects a few, "These chickens are already plucked. That will save some time at the soup factory."
"Ok Moe. The truck is loaded to the gills with chickens. Let's go!"
Moe cranks up the Black Banana and heads out of the farm and onto SR52 toward Ramona. After a half hour of driving, Moe pulls into a gas station and fills up with gas.
"That will be $22.03," demands the greasy attendant.
"Hmmm. We forgot our money. Would you take a few chickens instead?"
Uncle Joe puts his thumbs under his suspenders, pulls them forward a few inches, and grunts. "Ok. 3 chickens and I'll call it even. I will add them to my soup futures collection."
Curly leads Joe around to the back of the trailer then opens it up. "There they are. Pick out three nice ones."
"Ahhhaaahh!" Joe laughs so hard his face turns red. "You are the dumbest, most idiotic, stupid, incompetent morons I've every seen."
"That's what everyone tells us."
"Them is hogs, not chickens. Chickens have feathers and lay white eggs."
"You mean those are not..."
"NO. Those are not eggs."
"AAAAhhaaahahahaha!" Joe walks back into the gas station and takes up his place in the rocking chair.
Moe glares at his partners then hauls them off by the hair. "We're going back and get some real chickens."
Back at the chicken ranch...
"Over here, Moe. I found a bunch of chickens," a voice beckons from a nearby hen house. An arm sticking out a small broken window is motioning Moe and Larry toward the weathered white wooden building.
Curly gets out his brand new 3rd annual Fodester's chicken identification manual, autographed by Colonel Sanders.
"Oooo! Look at all them Rhode Island reds."
Curly backs the truck up to the hen house entrance; Larry unlatches the trailer doors and wires them open.
Moe gets the first squawking chicken.
"Shut up!"
"Hurry up. We have to get to Boston."
Scene V
The 'Black Banana' is stuffed with chickens and is cruising east on Interstate 10 with a light trail of feathers...
"There's a sign. 'Boston 1 mi'."
"The town looks small. We should have no problem finding EBB."
"Yeah. The population is 803."
"There's a store called BEE Honey. I'll bet the boss misspelled it - he has quasisemipartialhydrodyslexia."
"I would too if I had to spell it."
Moe dumps the truck full of chickens in the parking lot of BEE Honey.
Mr. B, who has a small tuft of a beard hanging from his chin, runs out of the front door shaking his fists and screaming his head off, "Hey! What are you doing? Oooo. I stepped on an egg."
Moe hands Mr. B the manifest. "See for yourself, King Tut (his beard is akin to King Tuts). Truck load of chickens to EBB. Sign on the dotted line and we'll be on our way."
"I don't want chickens. They can't make honey." Mr. B tears off a cackling hen that is clinging to his arm and throws it down. "Get OFF of me you stupid chicken!"
Frowning and in a fowl mood, Mr. B seizes the manifest and scans it over. "You idiot! These chickens go to the soup factory in Boston, Massachusetts. This is Boston, Arizona."
"Why didn't you do this right?" Moe grabs the wrench and
"Owwww. Gimme that!" Larry takes the wrench and
"Owwww. Gimme that." Curly takes the wrench, cocks his arm, and looks around only to see Mr. B, Moe, and Larry in a half-circle with their arms crossed, glaring at him. "Why didn't I do this right?" Curly
Larry and Curly stand at attention, "Well, that's the last of them. All chickens loaded and accounted for!"
"Then get in the cab."
"Aye, aye captain!" Curly and Larry salute Captain Moe and hit him in the face then scramble inside the truck. Moe takes a wild swing at them but misses.
As they are pulling away, Moe hangs out the driver's window. "Hey, Mr. B. Is there a place a guy can get a bite to eat?"
"Yeah. 'Busy Corners' cafe. Up that road a piece in a town called 'He man'. Population 5," replies Mr. B pointing to an undulating 2 lane black, weather-worn road leading to the He man business district.
"Thanks." Moe tips his invisible black hat, size 7.
A cry comes from the back of the truck, "OWWWWWW!!"
Trying to wrestle the truck out of the parking lot, Moe asks Larry what that noise was.
"You drove over his foot."
After lunch and on the road again...
"Wonder what this does?" Curly picks up a CB mike and presses the 'talk' button.
"Hello? Anyone home?"
"Breaker one nine, this is the Big Bird. Gotcha ears on?"
Curly feels the side of his head, "Yep they are on."
"Gimme that!" Larry snatches the mike. "I'm on stage! My big debut. When I was young...I would..."
Big Bird, "Stop that singing. You're scaring my pigs."
"I'll never look into your eyes again..."
"I told you to stop singing."
Larry, "Who is it?"
No answer.
Quizzically Larry looks at Moe and Curly then pops open the little door and...
"That'll learn ya," laughs Big Bird.
Scene VI
1:42 AM. West Boston, Mass. In the back of 'E.B.B. Soup and Featherdusters, Inc.'
"How do we unload chickens?"
Curly, "Like beans. Just dump them into the warehouse."
Moe backs the truck up to a small house and dumps the truck full of chickens but they fly all over.
"That's that. Let's go get those bowling balls."
"Moe, someone needs to sign the order."
"Here, Larry. Sign this."
Scene VII
3:42 PM. East Boston, Mass. Gutter-Les Bowling Balls.
Larry backs the truck up over the manicured lawn and up to the front door of Gutter-Les Bowling Balls, Inc.. The secretary, who is yapping on the phone about Mildred's son running over the neighbor's mailbox with his car, pays no attention to the commotion outside. Mr. Gutter, partner of 'Gutter-Les Bowling Balls' walks through the lobby reading some important papers. He looks up and does a double take - instead of a nice view of the idyllic country setting, he sees the inside of an empty trailer with a few white feathers floating around. Five feet from the door Larry is tapping on the window and silently talking and pointing to a clipboard of papers. Mr. Gutter's face turns red, eyebrows lower, and forehead crinkles -
Barely looking up, Larry barks out an order, "Ok Gramps. Start loading the bowling balls into the truck. We are late." He scribbles some Sanskrit on the work order and hands it to Gutter.
'Grandpa' Gutter is so mad he bites down and bends his false teeth inward so he looks like a shark. He spits out his own order: "PLL ARND BK U IMBCLES."
Greenjeans hears the wrong
"Curly! What are you doing in there?"
"I went inside the building to get a candy bar. Couldn't find one but I did find a machine that looks like it might make me one to order. So, I flipped some levers and turned some knobs. Then something grabbed me from behind and hauled me over to a large bin then dropped me in it. And here I am!"
Green jeans, "Look, there is a spot on the tube."
Curly leans over near the tube and looks closely at it, "There is?"
Greenjeans swings the tube and hits Curly in the side of the head. GJ shakes his head then starts the loading process again.
"Each bowling ball is guaranteed from the date of conception. Remember to send in the warranty cards when you get back."
Scene VIII
1:48 PM. Mel's Diner at the Union 76 truck stop somewhere off I-80.
A tall waitress with a bird's nest hairdo, from Lake Okefenokee, Georgia, with a nametag of 'FLO' asks the boys between her gum chewing, "What y'all havin?" She bounces around by the table fiddling with her pencil and keeps turning the corner up on her order pad and chomping on her gum.
While staring at the menu, Moe orders, "Burger and fries."
Without looking up, Curly orders the same, "Burger and fries."
Moe stares with his mouth agape as Larry orders. "Vichyssoise for starters followed by Steak Au Poivre with a Mango Asparagus side topped off with a parfait and iced Cafe Latte with..."
"Quiet!"
"You're getting a burger and fries, you porcupine."
Larry leans forward, "But I want..."
"Kiss my grits!"
Flo flings a damp towel through the steam emanating from Larry's lap. "Settle down. I'll go get your order ready so you'll leave." She leaves and hangs up the order ticket on the stainless steel merry-go-round near the cook. "3 burgers. 3 fries. And more steaming hot coffee."
A few hours later on the road again...
"The police are behind us."
"So what?"
"They have their lights on."
"It is near dusk."
Larry, "They have their guns drawn."
"Why didn't you say so, porcupine?"
Moe pulls over.
"Yes, officer?"
"You didn't go into the weigh station back there. ALL trucks are supposed to get weighed."
"We know how much this rig weighs so why should we pull over?"
"Look, don't mouth off to me. Now go back there and get weighed before I throw you in jail."
"Ok."
Moe shifts the truck in reverse and starts backing up down the interstate.
Curly, "That cop is shaking his fist at us."
"Probably because you backed over his cop car."
Moe gooses the engine and gets to the weigh station in four minutes flat.
Master Weigher reports the results over a Bose 9000 speaker in black antique plastic: "You are 2000 pounds overweight. Pull over to the side. A police officer will be along shortly. He went ahead to pull some clowns over for passing this weigh station. I can't wait to get those guys."
"Uh oh." Moe slowly drives over to the parking area.
"We need to get rid of some dead weight."
Curly, "Don't look at me!"
Moe sneaks out of the cab and unlocks the trailer doors. As fast as the bowling balls come out, Moe tosses them down the pavement. With deadeye accuracy, the bowling balls roll inside the Master Weigher's door. Boy, does he have to evacuate quickly!
"Uh oh. That overweight guy that told us we were overweight is cocking a shotgun. I think it is time to leave."
Scene IX
On I-15 near Hilltop Inn about sixty miles outside of Las Vegas. The peak of the mountains.
Looking out the window in a daze, Larry enjoys what he sees. "The mountain scenery is beautiful. Can't you slow down so I can enjoy it?"
Curly holds up a prize.
"Hey Moe, did you know the gearshift lever unscrews?"
Moe grabs it from Curly and conks him with it, "You imbecile! How am I gonna shift?"
"Oh, ok." Curly picks up the lever and tosses the gearshift lever out the window. Moe leans over from the driver's seat and tries to grab it but fails.
"Now what?"
"I'll be right back." Curly crawls underneath the dash into the darkness while Moe frantically tries to keep the 18 wheeler under control.
"What are you doing under...OWWWWW!!"
Moe kicks Curly in the head with his right foot.
"I can't move my left foot!"
Curly reappears and explains, "I nailed down the brake pedal to the floor."
"With that hammer?"
"Yes."
Moe grabs it and conks Curly in the head with it.
"You nailed my foot to the floor with it, you dross hoss. How am I going to push the pedals?"
"I'll do it."
Larry is busy watching the world go by, albeit at a fast pace. "Quiet! I just saw a yellow-bellied sapsucker."
Curly crawls back under the dash.
Curly emerges victorious. "Here is the brake pedal. And your shoe."
Moe kicks Curly in the shin.
"Put my shoe back on!!! Don't you know it is illegal to drive in your socks. The last thing I need is to tarnish my driving record."
Curly, "No it's not! I'll bet you a breakfast."
"You're on!"
Larry looks at the speedometer, "Wow! I've never driven 80 before!"
Moe is frantic. "How am I gonna stop this thing?"
"Drive into one of those runaway truck ramps."
"Does it cost anything? You know how tight the boss is with money."
"I'll call him up."
Moe frantically dials the phone and impatiently waits. It is answered on the second ring.
"Hello, boss? This is an emergency. I want..."
Moe covers the receiver, turns and tells the crew: "He put me on hold."
Larry grabs the cell phone and puts it to his ear. "I wanna listen to the elevator music."
Later...
"Boss? You're back. We are driving down the blbkljkljf Mountains without a gearshift lever or a brake pedal."
"What? Oh, about 93 miles per hour...no, make that 95."
"Sorry to bother you boss, but I made a bet with Curly. Is it true that driving without a shoe is illegal?"
"Was that you, Larry?"
"No"
"Is it ok to pull into the runaway truck ramp?"
"Hello? Hello? Who is this? Are you impersonating Shirley?"
"Oh, hi. You're the real Shirley? You say the boss fainted?"
Shirley, "Yes. He hit his head on the desk. His last words were 'tired' or 'fired'. What does he mean?"
"Just a minute." Moe steers the truck onto a runaway truck ramp. As the truck burrows into the gravel, Curly watches little rocks fly past the window while Larry hides on the floor reciting passages from the bible.
The only sound is the swoosh of an occasional car driving past...
"I'm back. Shirley, can you call a tow truck?"
"Sure. What is your location?"
"It is hard to tell."
"What is in front of you?"
Curly, "Rocks."
Larry leans over and gives some pretty exact directions. "We are at the third mountain past the 'Blackfield Coal Mine' exit, buried in a runaway truck exit. Tell the guy we have 3000 bowling balls in the trailer. He's welcome to take one home as a souvenir. We have a nice Brunswick 'TenStrike' model that has extra..."
Later...
Winch, the tow truck man with pants too big to fit him, is finishing tightening the new brake pedal.
"Weeeeellll that will be three hundred and eight dollars and fifteen cents."
"What is the eight dollars and fifteen cents for?"
"The 'all you can hold down' dinner at Bonanza. I'm taking my goil there tonight."
"We don't have that kind of money. How about some bowling balls instead?"
Winch rubs his whiskers and ponders a few seconds. Then "You are lucky. I am captain of the 'Rough Riders' bowling team. Gimme twenty one balls and I'll call it even."
After a few quick calculations on his abacus, Curly frowns and challenges Winch, "21 is an odd number. How can that be even?"
"OWWWW!" Moe stomps on Curly's foot.
"They are in the back of the truck."
Winch walks back of the truck and unlatches the doors.
Three bowling balls give Winch a big headache - enough to put him out for a long time.
"Let's get out of here!"
Moe and Curly (barely) pick up Winch and toss him in the back of his tow truck while Larry starts up the 'Black Banana'.
As they drive away, Moe tells his crew about his good deed for the day. "I left Winch a few aspirin on the front seat. He'll need it."
"I have the aspirin. Where did you get yours?"
"From the glove compartment."
"Uh oh. I hope he didn't eat a lot."
Scene X
Outskirts of San Diego. First stop for bowling ball delivery.
"How do we distribute the bowling balls?"
MLC huddle as Moe whispers his plan: "Larry, go hold the double doors open. Possum-puss, get a 4x8 sheet of plywood and bring it back to the trailer."
Moe backs the rig up to the front of 'Aces Bowling and Pool'. He gets out and swings open the back doors to the trailer.
Curly hurries back with some bad news: "Sorry Moe. All I could find was an 8x4 sheet of plywood."
"It is worse. Now it's 8 feet by 1 inch."
After Curly turns it, "Now it's 4x8"
"Wow! This is smart wood: It is three pieces in one."
"Here's one in two."
"Gimme!"
Holding the doors open, Larry yells out, "Ready for delivery!"
Ace, King, and Jack appear at the double doors. "What are you doing?"
"Five bowling balls. Special delivery."
Curly pushes the 'Dump' lever - the trailer slowly raises at the front end. Bowling balls tumble out of the back - most of them chase AKJ back into the bowling alley.
"Hey Moe! I can't stop the trailer!" Curly wrestles with the 'Dump' lever but it is jammed open.
Moe runs over to help Curly with the situation.
"You pinhead! You're pushing the lever the wrong way. Push it like
"Moe, you broke the lever!"
"Abandon ship!"
Moe, Larry, and Curly scurry into the Banana and drive off as fast at they can, leaving a trail of bowling balls in their wake.
Scene XI
The firing
Boss E., tired from a rough day at work, kicks back in his easy chair, pops open an ice cold beer, and turns on the TV.
"Top story in the news. The denizens are in an uproar over the thousands of bowling balls circulating throughout our fine city."
"Bowling balls?" Boss E. sits up at the edge of his chair.
"Jane is live with a report at the intersection of I-5 and I-8. Jane?"
Boss E. leans forward in his leather chair with great interest.
"Thanks, Bob. It is utter chaos. Traffic is backed up for miles, trying to swerve around the heaven sent bowling balls. The three perpetrators, Moe, Larry, and Curly, have been apprehended." (MLC shown in a paddy wagon)
Boss E. smiles smugly and tells his wife, "I'm glad I fired those worthless idiots."
"The story has an ironic twist to it. Moe, Larry, and Curly, ended up being national heroes."
Boss E. jumps up and yells at the TV, "What? Impossible!"
TV Jane, "Impossible you say? A truckload of drugs from Mexico was found after the 18 wheeler tipped over trying to avoid a matching set of 16 pound sparkling blue bowling balls autographed and numbered by David P. Stossel Esq. on the expressway. The criminals were easily nabbed and are in jail."
Boss E. "Oooooo!"
Curly appears in the camera, "We were fired for being incontinent and..."
TV Jane leans over and whispers to Curly.
"We were fired for being incompetent. The President is giving us an award dinner tonight."
Boss E. slaps his own head. "I can't believe it."
TV Jane, "Believe it. Back to you Bob."
Boss E. slams off the TV then breaks a few things.
The next day...
Mr. Neeblenozzer, the Boss of bosses, is admonishing Boss E in his office.
"You'd better get those national heroes back here or else you'll be polishing doorknobs at Al's Alley. Got it?"
"Yes, sir."
Shrugging his shoulders, Boss E. admits defeat. He calls up the Stooges and begs them to come back to work.
"Sure. We'll come back."
Relieved, Boss E. hangs up the phone and continues filling out reports.
"Come in....Oh, hi. You did come back."
Moe, "We have a welcome home present for you."
"You have?"
"Yes, this."
"Owwwww!" Curly and Larry bite him in the legs.
Curly nails his shoes to the ground, rolls up his pants leg then plucks his leg hairs with a tweezers.
Moe jumps on him and pins him down; he's ready to give him the Iron Cross, which he learned off of World Wide Wrestling's tip of the week, when Neeble pokes his head in the door to see what the commotion is all about.
Boss E. glances over, and with a grimaced look squeaks out "Gimme more."
Larry replies "We'll give you that, and nothing more."
"Shall I ever get fired again?" asks the Moe, perched upon the company bore.
Quoth the Big Boss, "Nevermore."
He just smiles and shuts the door.
© 2001 Doug DePrenger