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216 - Las Wages

Moe, Larry, and Shemp have an easy job: deliver a suitcase to Grandma Pinchpenny in Las Vegas. At least you think it would be easy...

Scene I

Moe, Larry, and Shemp are working at "Pinchpenny's Perfectly Preworn Polo Pants" store. Camera pans the office - finding them asleep at their desks.

Mr. Paul Pinchpenny (PP), the boss, summons them on the intercom into his office.

"Oh, boys. Please come here. I have a job for you to do."

MLS still sleep:

Pinchpenny, his Texas upbringing showing, calls them again. "Moe! Larry! Shemp! - get in hea rat now!"

No response.

Pinchpenny smiles. "I'll wake them up"

He reaches under his desk and presses the 'Danger High Voltage' button

MLS leap up out of their chairs: "wooohohhohoheohohoehohoho. What a shocker!"

PP picks up the intercom, shakes it, and screams: "Get in here, now!"

MLS scramble, knocking over papers, books, and chairs, to get to PP's office. They assemble in front of his desk at attention.

"At ease, men. I want you McMorons to deliver this suitcase to Grandma Pinchpenny at 777 YouWin Street in Las Vegas. You'll be handsomely rewarded for your effort."

Larry and Shemp start dancing and singing: "We're off to see the sea to see what we can see. To see if we can see the sea, we're off to see the sea in nineteen sixty three."

Moe, "What key was that in?"

Larry, "C"

Moe, "See this?" He holds up two fingers.

Larry, "Si"

Moe eyepokes Larry with his two fingers.

Larry covers his eyes, "I can't see! I can't see!"

"What's the matter?"

"My eyes are closed."

Moe, "I'll fix that." He pulls Larry's hair out in clumps.

They exit, with a vaudeville cane-and-hat dance, stage left, through the side door.

PP points to the front door: "No, imbeciles, you're off to see Las Vegas. Now get going!"

MLS crash through PP's door, splintering it in a thousand pieces.

"Woooowoooowooooooooooowooooooo"

Scene II

MLS have arrived at McCarran Airport and are disembarking toward baggage claim, with the never-ending "watch your step" in 29 languages, making their way through the maze of boisterous slot machines, wandering burrito eaters, passengers starting at arrivals and departures monitors, snoozers and losers, long lines, short lines, hide and seekers, and wrong ways.

MLS walk ponderously through the airport, peeking in every little store, and admiring the ornate displays.

Shemp sees a motion picture hologram of Marilyn Monroe in front of Caesar's store. She wants him. "Hey, big boy...come here..." Marilyn slyly smiles at Shemp and motions him to come closer with her finger.

Shemp gets all excited - - and starts doing his "love" dance. He runs around in circles on the floor like a pinwheel squealing with delight and rolling around like a log. He stands up and his bow tie spins around and smoke comes out of his ears. He runs with open arms to his new found love but smacks into the glass and falls down. Her picture fades away and Rodney Dangerfield shows up: "I don't get no respect. My twin brother, he forgot my birthday. Take my wife..., please! My uncle, he..."

Moe glances over to watch Shemp try to pick up Marilyn. He sneaks up on him: "Come here, Romeo" and pulls Shemp by the hair toward baggage claim.

Shemp complains: "But Moe, I think she loves me!"

Moe points the way: "Shaddup and march."

MLS continue their misguided wandering toward baggage claim.

Larry starts walking up the escalator - walking and walking - glancing to the top every few steps... "Boy, it sure is a long way to the top!" Huffing and puffing... He finally gets to his goal where Moe and Shemp are waiting for him.

A tired Larry announces to his cohorts: "It took me 250 steps to get up those stairs. I don't know why the stairs go the wrong way. I'll have to report this to Otis."

Shemp, "I only took 20. I must have taken a shortcut"

Moe: "I didn't take any. I took an elevator"

Shemp: "I thought an elevator lives in a swamp until it becomes a pair of shoes." Shemp puts his hands together like a big alligator jaw and snaps at Moe.

Moe grabs Shemp by the hair, "C'mon Crocodile Dundee!"

Finally, MLS find the luggage carousel.

Shemp and Larry rejoice in unison, "Hey, a merry-go-round!"

Larry and Shemp start running toward it.

Shemp tosses a nearby porter a buck and jumps on the carousel. (Carnival muzak starts playing in the background). "Yahoooo!"

An excited Larry is next: "Oh boy - that looks like fun!" and flings the wondering porter his dollar. Larry jumps on, too. "Weeeeeeee!"

As Shemp comes around, he's munching on some cotton candy. As Larry comes around, he's licking a sno-cone. All the passengers are just staring at Shemp and Larry. The porter looks at Shemp and Larry and two big lollipops show up in their place. The porter walks away stuffing his winnings in his pocket mumbling: "The king of the nuts come to Las Vegas"

Suitcases start coming up the chute. "Ok, you guys, the ride's over!" and yanks Shemp and Larry off the carousel. Moe grabs a suitcase and all three hurry toward the taxi line.

A little later, a rough looking Italian, accompanied by several gorillas, grabs 'his' suitcase and starts to walk away.

He realizes his mistake: "Hey, dis ain't our suitcase. Those three bozos stole it from us. Get 'em"

Too late. MLS have jumped in a taxi and are headed to their hotel but Mad Doggy Dogg and his henchmen are hot on the trail.

Moe unfolds his instructions, reads it, then tells the taxi driver, "We're going to the SandFlea hotel on the strip."

Taxi driver: "eblbddblbdllbldldk"

"What?"

"You heard me! Eblbddblbdllbldldk"

When the light turns green the driver screeches the tires and starts driving like a taxi driver - up on sidewalks, running red lights - he even runs over a stop sign. Finally the battered taxi pulls up to the hotel. The driver opens the door and ML&S fall on the ground on top of each other (sounds of head knocking against one another). Moe eye-pokes Shemp and says "Why don't you watch where you're going, you numbskull."

Shemp replies, "Why don't you go where you're watching."

Larry gets up and falls back down on M&S who finally wriggle their way up and start chasing after Larry. The taxi driver is waving his hand, waiting for payment.

Finally: "That will be $20"

Moe: "Oh, you do speak English" Moe gives him a twenty.

TD: "Where's my tip?"

"How about two?"

TD: "Yeah!"

Moe gives him two tips - two fingertips to the eyes <doink!>

Moe walks up to the front desk and begins the check-in process.

A homeless guy is wandering around the lobby and finally comes up to Shemp and asks: "I haven't had a bite in two days. Can you help me?"

Shemp eagerly obliges: "Sure!"

Shemp rolls up homeless's sleeve, puts a little salt and pepper on his arm and bites it, but good.

"yeeeooowwww!"

Moe turns from the front desk to gather up his flock: "Ok you imbeciles. We're checked in. Let's go deliver the goods."

MLS need to find the recipient of the suitcase. Moe has the hotel call a limo. When it arrives, MLS pile in the back. Shemp rolls down the window to let in some fresh air. A Mafia guy sticks his head through the open window.

MM points his finger at Shemp: "Gimme da suitcase youse guys stole from us!"

Moe pushes the 'window up' button and traps MM.

"Hey, let me outta here!"

Shemp laughs and starts plucking his eyebrows.

"She loves me"

"She loves me not"

"She loves me"

He twists his nose with a pair of pliers. Moe slaps MM on the forehead. MLS get out of the other side of the limo. Larry runs in back of the limo then sets Mr. Mafia's pants on fire.

"Driver, here's a twenty. Go to the airport!"

The limo pulls away with Mr. Mafia running along side with his hot pants on fire.

Shemp's cell phone rings . "Yeah, oh hi. No we haven't delivered the suitcase yet. Hmmm. Ok, bossy wossy."

Moe grabs the phone from Shemp.

Moe: "The boss wants us to hurry up and deliver the suitcase. By the way, what's in it?"

Shemp: "The inside of the suitcase."

Larry: "A grand piano?" Moe eye pokes him.

Moe opens the suitcase - it is FULL of money.

"Moolah! Lucre! Hey, no wonder those Mafia guys are chasing us."

"Moe, I'm tired of being cooped up in this hotel room. Let's take a walk down the strip"

MLS stroll downstairs and out onto the sidewalk.

Scene III:

Camera pans the Treasure Island Hotel and Casino. In the front is a huge lake with two old ships in it. One's a pirate ship, the other a British Man'o'war ship.

MLS are standing in front admiring the old ships. It's just before the hourly pirate ship "fight"...

Shemp:"Hey, Moe, I'm hot - let's go swimming. We can go out to one of those boats. One of them has a diving board."

Larry: "Yeah, I'm going in"

Moe: "Me, three."

MLS strip down to their boxers and jump in the water. A patrolman sees them splashing in the water. He pulls out his billy club and runs over to the edge of the lake: "Come back here! Get out of the water"

Shemp: "The cops" MLS start swimming frantically to the pirate ship. They arrive at the ship and start climbing a ladder.

The pirate captain screams: "Avast maties! We're being boarded. Capture them and cut off their heads!"

MLS look at each other, frightened:"AAIIIEEEEE!!!" They scurry down the ladder (shown in fast motion) and swim to the British ship. They start to climb the ladder when:

Goon sticks his head out of a porthole. "Gimme da suitcase"

Moe: "Sure. Here it is." He conks Goon on the head with the suitcase.

"Here, grab it"

Goon reaches for the suitcase but Moe yanks it back and pulls him out of the porthole. Goon falls into the drink.

Shemp frantically says: "Hey Moe, we're not wanted here. Lets vamoose"

MLS scramble down the ladder and swim back to their clothes. The cop, on the other side of the lake, sees them and starts running around to nab them.

"Come back here! You're under arrest!"

MLS hurriedly dress and run down the Strip.

"I think we lost him."

Larry: "I'm hungry. Let's eat"

Shemp: "Me, too"

Moe: "Let's duck in here. Food smells pretty tasty!"

They go into Henibana's where they are promptly seated.

"Hey, this place is ugly. You have to eat off of a steel table". Larry reaches over to grab a menu and places his hand on the table YEEOOOOWW!

Waiter: "So sorry. Table is hot. Table is where we cook you dinner"

Host starts chopping food (shown in fast motion). He flips a piece in the air (sound of a seal plays in the background ). Shemp jumps up and nabs it on his nose - then flips it in the air and eats it. The Jap flips another one toward Larry. Just as Larry is ready to grab it, a hand snags the morsel of food...it's Muscles and Mad Doggy Dogg! "Gimme da suitcase"

Moe: "It's right here" and shows Muscles his fist. Muscles hits it and Moe twirls it around and hits him on the head. "Let's get outta here!"

MLS run through the restaurant, knocking over a waiter carrying a full tray of food. Goon pulls a gun and chases them.

"Gimme da money!"

Larry and Shemp hide behind two posts. Goon runs between them and looks both ways. Moe is standing in front of him: "nnyaa nyyaaa!"

Mad Doggy Dogg: "Gimme da suitca...yeeeooooowww!!" Larry and Shemp crawl up to Doggy each bite him in the leg.

"Yeooooowww!" His gun twirls in the air and knocks out him out cold.

Moe: "Lets go!" and they run out on the Strip again.

MLS lose Muscles and Mad Doggy Dogg by ducking into the Mirage casino. They think they're in a bank because of all the ATM (slot) machines and the bank tellers.

Moe: "Hey, what are you doing?"

Shemp: "I'm hiding the money in this ATM machine but it keeps giving it back to me! I think the password is 4 cherries in a row"

Larry rubs his hands in anticipation. "Man, I'm ready for some action. There's a dice game, let's go play"

MLS mosey on over to a craps table. The croupier gives Shemp the dice. Shemp rolls the dice - a six. Shemp puts down $200. "I'm buying Boardwalk"

"Boardwalk?" asks the croupier.

"and Park Place"

The croupier examines the money.

"No you're not, you're going to jail! This money is counterfeit"

"No! I won't collect $200 if I don't pass Go"

Moe grabs Shemp by the ear. "Let's GO."

MLS run through the casino up some stairs, and backstage to an act.

David Copperfield, the great magician, is on stage.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, for my final trick, I will saw, not one, not two, but three people in half! Bring out the vict..I mean volunteers."

Meanwhile, backstage...

Larry: "Hey Moe, that Mafia Man is sore. We'd better hide until he goes away"

Shemp: "Here's a big box. They'll never find us in here" and starts climbing in.

Moe and Larry climb in and shut the top.

"Stop shoving"

"Shhhh!"

"Quit kicking me"

"Quiet, you idiots"

"Oww, you're arm hit me in the mouth."

"Stop it"

"Did you have garlic for dinner?"

"No, just tacos, Tabasco sauce, and pinwheels"

"Shaddup!"

"Stop pushing"

"eeee. You kicked me"

Moe finally pokes Larry in the eyes - who turns over and pokes Shemp in the eyes who turns over and pokes the side of the box.

Shemp whispers: "Hey, we're moving"

Moe: "We can't do anything about it. Now shut up!"

The stagehands wheel the coffin out on stage.

Moe, Larry, and Shemp poke their heads through the head holes and their feet through the feet holes.

The audience ooohs and aaaahhhhs.

Moe looks at his cohorts, "What is going on, here?"

With a sinister smile, DC holds a huge saw as its being sharpened. MLS see it and start babbling incoherently.

"buutuuuttbutt aaaaaaiiieeeeee"

DC holds the glistening saw toward the audience. "I will proceed to saw these gentlemen in half."

DC starts sawing the box in half. MLS's eyes get WIDE open and all three start talking but no sound comes out. "AAAHHHHHHHH" MLS push the top of the coffin off and DC flies to the other side of the stage, hits a boy holding a sandbag, which comes screaming down onto the head of DC, knocking him out cold. MLS leap out of the box and exit, stage left, out the side door and into the street.

"Taxi, taxi. Pick us up and make it snappy. 777 YouWin Street"

MLS finally arrive at their destination.

Moe rings the doorbell. No answer. Moe pushes the button again but Shemp is in the way and he pushes his nose.

"Heyyyy"

Grandma answers, "Yes, may I help you boys?"

Moe: "Mr. Pinchpenny wanted us to deliver this suitcase to you"

"Thank you, boys. That nice son of mine returned my suitcase after borrowing it 20 years ago. Here's 67 cents for your troubles"

"67 cents? 67 CENTS? Waaaahhhhhh" Larry pulls his own hair out in clumps.

Shemp pokes himself in the eyes

Moe runs into a wall and buries his head through the wall.

Camera fades out...

M

© Sep, 2000 Doug DePrenger

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