218 - Married...with Stooges - Plumber Bummer
Moe, Larry, and Shemp visit the Bundys and help Al with a plumbing problem. Bud, Kelly, Al, Peggy
Scene I
Camera pans into the Bundy's living room finding Peggy on the couch fiddling with the remote control and a cigarette.
Al scurries downstairs with a stack of books only to catch Peg in her usual spot on the couch, "Peg, why are you wasting your time watching TV?"
"I'm learning how to cook. I'm watching Oprah."
"You? Cook? When am I gonna get a good dinner?"
"When we go out. I said I'm learning to cook; I'm not going to cook. Besides, I don't know how to use those high tech gadgets in the kitchen."
"Like a can opener or soup spoon?"
"Yeah. Stuff like that."
Peg shuffles over to the kitchen table in her green, furry house slippers to see what Al is up to. "What are you doing with all those books? I didn't know you knew how to read." Peg snickers.
"For your information, I'm learning to be a plumber. We have terrible water pressure in the house and I'm going to fix it. Some husbands sit around hoping things will fix themselves; I'm taking the initiative and doing something about it."
"Every time you take the initiative, we end up in trouble."
"Ha ha. Very funny, Peg."
Al continues thumbing through the plumbing books while Peggy thumbs through last weeks TV guide.
Bud is fixing a gourmet air sandwich - two pieces of high-class bread with nothing in between. "Dad, why don't you call a real plumber? They can help you and give you some pointers."
With a sly smile, Peg remarks, "I wish you would give me some pointers."
Kelly, dressed in exiguous clothes, runs downstairs, and bounces up and down in front of Al, her blond hair flopping in sync, "Daddy, can I go out with Rebel?"
He pats her on the shoulder, "Sure you can, pumpkin. Make sure he has you back by nine."
Bud rolls his eyes, "Yeah. She'll be on her back by nine."
"Bye, Daddy." Kelly grabs her black leather coat and runs out the front door.
Peg inquires about her date. "Who is Rebel?"
Bud takes his first sandwich bite and mumbles, "The high school football team."
Al looks like a man of action. He is hard at work, trying to trace down why the water pressure is so low. He has his 'How to be a Plumber' book open to page 89. Reading out loud annoys Peg but Al continues anyway. "If the water pressure is low, there may be a blockage in one of the intake pipes."
"I wonder how I find out how there is a blockage?"
He continues to read, "To find out if there is a blockage, disassemble the pipe and see if it is stopped up by looking through it."
"Jeez. I have to tear apart the wall to do that!"
Al glances over to the book at the next paragraph. "Yes, you may have to tear open the wall to get to the pipes."
"This book is psychic!"
Looking at the back of the book, Al sees. "This book is published by Ouija Publishers."
Al goes out to the garage to get his favorite axe and brings it back into the house. He spits in his hand, winds up and lets loose with a chop on the living room wall.
"FORE!"
Peg jumps up with a wild-eyed look on her face. "What are you doing? Trying to chop the house down?"
"For your information, Miss Genius, I'm solving the low water pressure problem."
After a few more chops, Al looks in the hole with a flashlight. "Nothing in here but wall."
"Like your head."
The wind blows a few pages in the book as Al continues his studies in plumbing.
Talking to a nonexistent audience, Al tries another angle. "Hmmmm. The water heater must be braced with at least one strap. I'll bet that is the problem."
Al hauls his tools out to the garage and scatters them in front of the hot water heater. He loads his drill with a looong 7/8 inch wood-boring bit then starts drilling for oil.
After a minute of action, "Owww!" comes a muffled cry from behind the wall. The stage door to the garage flies open introducing a mad Peg rubbing her behind.
"Al, you drilled through the wall and into me!"
"Sorry, Peg. I thought I hit a nerve. One more hole and I'm ready to mount the brace."
The next hole is stubborn. "This $#%$ drill must have hit granite or something." After a few minutes...
"Ruhh row. I hit the hot water line."
Al runs around the car a few times then inside the house yelling at anyone who will listen. "The water is shooting all over the garage!!!"
Peg, who is parked on the couch, has the answer. "Why don't you shut off the water and fix it?"
"Ok. OK." Al runs back to the garage and finds the cut-off valve. He gives it a few turns with a wrench then
"Peg, PEG! Where else can I turn the water off?"
"I saw Larry on the '3 Stooges' shut it off in the front yard last week in 'A Plumbing We Will Go'."
"How do you know so much about the 3 Stooges?"
"I'm married to one."
Al dashes out the front door to the front yard and frantically searches for the cutoff valve.
"Oh, here it is, behind the oleander bushes."
Al turns the big red wheel several turns which finally shuts off the water.
A ragged, wet Al saunters back into the house finding his wife with a disgusted look on her face.
"That does it."
Peg jumps up from her throne, runs over to the magazine stand near the phone and flips feverishly through the yellow pages, "Al, I'm calling an experienced, professional plumber. Here's one. 'Pampers Plumbers". Dial 1-800-NOLEAKS. Hmmm. They sound experienced."
Peg frantically dials the phone. Tapping her foot and swinging the phone cord like a jump rope passes the time while the phone rings and rings. Then: "Hello? Is this 'Pampers Plumbers'?"
Shemp, "No lady. This is the White House."
"This is 'Pampers Plumbers'. Owned by B.E. Pamper and Sons since 1973. Operated by Moe, Larry, and Shemp. How may we help?"
"My incompetent husband is trying to become a plumber. Please..."
Larry leans over and interrupts, "We are incompetent and we became plumbers."
Peg continues, "Please come out here and stop him before he fouls up everything."
Shemp butts in, "We'll foul it up for you."
Moe, "He means we'll fix everything. Where do you live?"
"Hey Al, what is our address?"
A voice echoes from under the sink. "Same place as it has been for the past fifteen years: 11 Oak Street."
"Somewhere on Oak Street. I forgot the number - I was never good at calculus."
After forty five minutes the doorbell rings and Peg is right there to answer it.
"Hi, we're from Pamper's Plumbers. Leaks, creaks, or squeaks."
Shemp and Larry start their dance routine:
"We'll squelch those squeaks.
Lick those leaks.
Cap those creaks."
Larry, "We can fix a fight."
"Our water pressure is real low. I'll show you." Peg scoots over to the kitchen sink and opens the faucet all the way but only a dribble of water comes out.
"We'll go to the source of the water and see if things are ok. Where does the water come from?"
"The big water tower in the center of town."
"We'll go check it out. C'mon aardvark." Moe pulls Shemp and Larry by the ears and out the door.
Scene II
At the base of the light blue and white water tower with a big mural of Flipper painted on it...
"Ok, Larry. Climb up the water tower and see if it has a lot of water in it."
Larry looks up to the top of the tower and almost falls over backwards in doing so. He crinkles his forehead in anticipation of a bad time. "Moe, that is awfully high up. I'm a fraidy cat."
Moe turns to Shemp, who agrees. "I'm a fraidy cat, too."
"Ok, we'll draw straws."
As Moe prepares the straws, Shemp pulls out his notebook and starts sketching. Moe looks at it then whacks him in the head with a clipboard.
"Ok. You're elected. Start climbing."
Shemp starts climbing the rusty metal ladder, looking down every few moments.
"Now what?"
"Look in the top and see if it is filled with water!"
Moe and Larry start up a game of jacks while waiting for Shemp. After about half an hour...
"Where is that fruitcake? Larry, go up and see what happened to him."
"But Moe! I don't want to..."
Moe pulls out his pet from his tool bag and taps a big pipe wrench in his hand. Larry frowns as he thinks of the possibilities, then gulps, "Ok. Here I go."
Moe counts the bugs crawling around in the grass while waiting for Larry. After about half an hour he times out.
"Ooooo. Those useless helpers." Moe slams his fist on a poor pillbug then scurries up the ladder to the top of the water tower.
"Hey! Are you two down there?"
"Yeah! Come on in. The water is warm."
Moe creeps down the inside ladder until he sees Shemp and Larry. Larry is doing the backstroke across the 'lake' while Shemp does a repeat lathering of his hair.
"It's not Saturday night. We have to get back and find the water restriction."
"I know! Let's color the water with black ink so we can find out where it gets restricted."
"Yeah!"
Larry pours several bottles of "Octopus" brand ink into the water; turning it from algae green to nightshade black.
Walking back into town...
Moe motions to the front of 'Bills Bagels and Bats', "Stop in here."
"Can we have a drink of water?"
"Waddya think this is? A public drinking fountain?"
Bill grits his teeth, "You hafta buy something."
Shemp buys a napkin.
"C'mon mister. I'm thirsty."
"Ok, you bums." Bill stares at Moe while he fills a glass of water.
"Here. What the? The water is black!"
All the customers get up in unison and leave.
"Hey! My clients are leaving. Come back!" pleads Bill, following them out the door.
"C'mon, Larry. The water is black here. No leak so far."
Bill comes back in. "You guys made the water black?"
Shemp, "Yep. We are tracking down a leak. Do you know what a leak looks like?"
Bill picks up a 30 oz 34 inch aluminum Louisville Slugger baseball bat and, with a scowl on his face, walks directly toward the Stooges, knocking down tables, chairs, and anything else in the way.
A frightened Shemp remarks, "Moe, I don't think a leak looks like a ball bat."
"Exit, stage right!" Moe, Larry, and Shemp barely beat Bill's swinging bat out the door. Fortunately for the Stooges, Bill eats most of the profits.
After a fifteen minute run, the next checkpoint is at the third house on Fourth Street...
A ragged Shemp rings the doorbell. "Hi Lady. Can I have a glass of water?"
"Oh, you poor man. Cannot even afford a glass of water. I'll be right back." The under active lady lumbers away on a mission. After about two minutes comes a cry from the kitchen...
"Ahhhhh! The water is black!"
"C'mon. Let's go. No leak here." Moe, Larry, and Shemp continue their sojourn back to the Bundys.
Larry sits down on a park bench, "Weww. I'm tired."
Moe corrals a kid near a drinking fountain, "Take a drink kid."
"NO."
"I said take a drink."
"NO." the kid stammers.
"Respect your elders. TAKE A DRINK," yells an infuriated Moe.
Dad accosts Moe, "Take a drink."
Moe backs away, "No. I'm not thirsty."
Back at the Bundys...
Larry, "Well, we didn't find a leak from the water tower. Now what?"
Moe, "We'll have to dig up the water pipe in the front yard. Where is it?"
Al, "In the front of the house."
"The water pipe?"
Al, "No, the front yard."
"How would I know where a water pipe is kept?"
Shemp grabs a handful of shovels and a pickaxe and starts walking out the front door, "We'll find it."
After several hours of digging...
"Hey Moe! I found it!"
"It's about time. We've dug up nearly all the front and back yard."
Shemp pulls out a fire axe and takes a swing at the pipe.
A war-torn Shemp wanders aimlessly around, smoke leaking out of his shoes. "What happened?"
"You chopped a hole in the gas line, not the water line."
Peg comes out in her housecoat with a tray of food, "Here, you are working so hard, I decided to get some snacks for you."
Al inspects the goodies. "Oh good, Peg. Frozen vegetables."
"I did just like the directions said: 'Put in microwave for 5 minutes'"
"Did you turn on the microwave?"
Peg blushes and says, "I don't know...it didn't turn red."
"What is this? A banana peel."
Peg, "See. I do know what I'm doing. I cleaned that one out."
"Al? What are we gonna do with that big hole?" asks Peggy, pointing to the bomb crater.
Al's suggestion? "We can put your Mother in it. Or Marcy."
Marcy storms up the sidewalk with a scowl on her blackened face, "Al! That explosion woke me up from my beauty sleep."
Shemp, "Lady, the only way to improve your looks is go to sleep...forever."
Al laughs a hearty laugh and hugs Moe, Larry, and Shemp. "My buddies, the plumbers."
"Al, you can't have these plumbers here. They lower the value of my property."
"Marcy. You don't have any property to lower."
"Very funny, Al. I'm treasurer of the neighborhood home owners association and we are going to ticket you for bad lawn maintenance."
"I'm gonna give you a ticket for bad face maintenance. Now leave, I have to get back to my plumbing job."
Larry runs up with exciting news, "Here is some water!"
Moe dumps it on Larry's head. "You idiot. That is the dog dish water."
Larry jumps up with an idea. "I know! I'll drop marbles down the pipe from the roof. If you don't hear it go past you then the blockage is between you and me. We will use the binary search method and find it in no time."
"When did you get so smart?"
"I've always been smart but no one knows it - including me."
Moe challenges Larry. "Come up with another idea!"
"If you put fish in the frying pan then mix up the left side of the refrigerator the mice will..."
Larry takes over. "Ok, Moe go to the pipe inlet on the roof and start dropping marbles down it."
"Ok, I'll go out to the truck and get a few bags of marbles."
"Ok, here goes the first marble."
Al, Shemp, and Larry listen intently to nearby pipes.
"I heard it!"
"So did I."
"Me three."
Shemp yells at Larry, "You didn't hear it because I heard it."
Larry, "I heard it because it bypassed your pipe."
Al conks their heads together.
After a few bags of marbles...
Peggy, "Al! Marbles are coming out of the sink. Is that normal?"
Moe glares at Larry then socks him in the eye.
"What was that for?"
"Your stupid marble idea."
Bud runs into the house donning a ten gallon cowboy hat, a fat wallet, and a leather belt embossed with cacti. "I found another pipe in the front yard. It is squirting out oil!"
Al is overjoyed, running around kissing everything - even Marcy. "Oil! I'm rich. I'm rich! I'm a Texan. I can move to Beverly Hills!"
Al runs to the family bar and mixes up a drink.
"Here, boys. It's on me."
Shemp eyes it over, "What is it?"
"My new concoction: Seawater. (1 oz rum, 1/2 oz blue curacao, 1/2 oz triple sec, 2 oz sour mix, 3 oz guava nectar)"
Larry chases after the oil baron, "But, but..."
"Come over here, you longhorn," coos Peggy.
"Eewwwww. Al kissed me. I'm poisoned." Marcy grabs ointment from her purse and rubs her lips furiously with Al-be-gone.
After things settle down, Moe delivers the news: "Um. Al. That 'oil' is water with ink in it. We put it in the water tower to track down the leak."
"You mean I'm not a gazillionaire?"
"Not even a thousandaire."
"Well then, you are no where. You're fired! Peg, get me my shotgun."
Scene III
Camera finds Peggy on the couch watching TV and Al next to her pushing the batteryless remote control, ad infinitum.
Bud comes in the sliding glass door, wearing a trench coat and smoking a Sherlock Holmes pipe, with a glum look on his face, "Hey Dad. I found out why our water pressure is so bad."
"And why is that, son of mine?"
"The neighbors are using our outside faucet to fill their swimming pools. They have been trading off. The Huntsvilles, Smiths, and Leavenworths all have their pools filled - compliments of us."
"Well, that does it. I'm filling our basement with their water and keeping it there until we can get a pool built.
"Good idea, Dad."
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© 2001 Doug DePrenger