219 - Misters and Sisters

Curly, Larry, and Moe’s sisters are guests on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

Scene I

It is late at night – the raven crows three times. Curly, Larry, and Moe are watching the news on TV when there is a continuous knock at the front door.

Moe drags himself off the couch and walks toward the door: "Just a minute, you impatient salesmen."

Moe opens the door and . "Stop hitting my face!" "Ok, you asked for it!"

"Owwwww!"

Moe wipes off his face then sees who it is, "Oh my gosh!"

"Why did you bite my hand?" screams Flo, trying to rub out the teeth marks.

An excited Moe turns to Curly and Larry and tells them some good news, "Our sisters are here! Squirley, Mary, and Flo."

Flo pulls Moe by the hair. "Aren’t you gonna let us in mophead?"

Moe: "Of course, come on in!"

The three sisters shove Moe aside and barge in to the living room.

Mary walks over to Larry and pulls out a tuft of his hair, "How come you never call us?"

Larry shakes his fist in defiance, "How come you never call us?"

Mary eye pokes Larry. "Don’t answer a question with a question. Ok?"

Squirley jumps up and down while pointing to the television. "Oh, the TV is on. Let’s watch er."

Flo corrects her: "er? It’s called Eee Are, not er. Besides, ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’ is on channel 4."

Curly slothfully stands up and lumbers over to the television to switch the channel.

Squirley: "Curly, why don’t you use the TV remote control?"

Flo curtly replies: "You should talk. You don’t know how to use one yourself. The other day, you aimed it at a pile of clothes and pushed ‘erase’, thinking it would wash them."

A frustrated Curly replies, "I tried the remote once but all it did was switch channels."

Flo shakes her head in disappointment, "That’s what it is designed to do, you moron. You’re supposed to stop at the channel you want."

"OOOOhhhhh!" says an enlightened Curly, "I tried reading the instructions but couldn’t understand them."

Larry: "If you read the American version..."

"It still wouldn’t matter," ends Moe.

While the others are arguing, Mary picks up the phone and calls an 800 number flashed on the TV screen.

Curly announces to everyone, "I wanna get on that millionaire show."

Mary bonks Curly on the head with the phone, "Quiet. I’m on the phone."

Curly eyes her over, "It looks like you are next to it, not on it."

Moe: "You can’t answer those complicated questions. They require an IQ."

Curly gets his hat and coat from the front closet and starts to put them on, "Ok, I’ll go out and get one. How much are they?"

Moe: "For you, it’s about 50."

Curly: "That’s cheap."

Moe: "That’s not the cost; that’s your IQ"

(Curly frustration noise)

Mary runs over to everyone: "We’re going on the millionaire show!! I called the studio and they had some spare seats. We’re gonna have to bone up on our smarts in case we win the qualifying round."

Moe the Defiant points to himself and says, "Don’t you think us men should answer the questions?"

Squirley, Mary, and Flo walk up to MLC and .

Larry rubs the hurt out of his face. "I take that as no."

Scene II

In NY City at the entrance of a neon lit studio with wanna be actors and actresses passing by, trying to get noticed, on their way to menial jobs to support themselves until they do; if they do.

The six stooges stroll up to the entrance of the studio.

MLC enter then go sit in the audience. The doorman sees the girls and blocks the entrance with his arm: "How would you like to try to get on the show?"

Squirley: "Soitenly!"

Flo flashes three pink receipts and tells the doorman: "We’re already on the show."

Doorman nods his head toward several seats off to the side. "Sit over in the red chairs. That’s where the contestants wait."

Curly, "We’re not contestants. We’re Stooges."

"Go sit there anyway."

Squirley, Mary, and Flo walk over to the red chairs to sit down but there is no room to sit.

Huddle time: "How are we gonna get three of those people out of their chairs?"

Squirley whispers: "Ask them?"

Flo twists her nose like a ratchet. "They won’t get up for us. I know! I saw a pet store next to where we came in. Squirley, go buy a mouse and we’ll let it loose near them. This will scare the women and we’ll claim their seats."

Mary: "What if it scares us?"

Squirley: "Yeah! I’m scared of meeces and mooses and geeses and gooses."

Flo: "That mouse will be scarederer. Buy a mouse leash so we can reel it in when he’s done his job."

The three stick their arms out and clasp hands like the 3 Musketeers.

"All for one. One for All. None for no one else."

After breaking up their huddle, Squirley starts her mission while Mary and Flo wait in the wings.

After ten minutes...

Mary and Flo are biding their time by counting the small squares in the tile. Suddenly the doorman runs by with the most wild-eyed look on his face. Mary and Flo look at each other in wonder.

All of a sudden several very frightened people stomp by, with Regis in the lead.

Flo and Mary are really puzzled now. They walk around to the entrance and spot Squirley standing at the door with two vicious, drooling Dobermans who are bearing their teeth. Mary and Flo jerk back.

"What are you doing? Those aren’t mice!" Flo pushes Mary in front.

"I’ll protect the rear."

Squirley, still in the same spot, explains: "The pet store was out of mice. I got a rain check for two mice that expires next week."

"Why did you get those monsters?"

"They like me. They were kissing me."

Mary tries to push Flo in front, "Yeah, they pretasted you - for dinner."

Squirley walks towards her sisters with her guests.

"Go away! Bring those, those mongrels back. Not only did the contestants leave, so did the host."

A disappointed Squirley hangs her head and says, "Oh, ok. C’mon Fifi and Patsy."

Squirley reluctantly brings the Dobermans back for a refund.

After several minutes the audience returns from hiding. Regis takes his place as host.

Regis starts the show. "Ok audience, this is a special edition of ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’. We have several, um, underutilized, people from all over the country ready to try the qualifying round. Whoever answers the question the fastest gets to be the next person to try and become a millionaire. Are you ready audience?"

The audience cheers them on, waving their arms: "Hoo hoo hooo!"

"You idiots! This is not the Arsenio Hall Show." Regis continues: "Here is the question. Order the following months:

A=Jan, B= Feb, C=Apr, D=Mar

Go!"

"I’m done! I’m done!" Curly tells everyone.

Regis looks puzzled and holds his hands up: "You did not push any of the buttons. How can you be finished?"

"Take this to the cook." Curly hands a confused Regis his slip of paper which reads:

2 Januarys

3 Februarys

1 March

5 Aprils

------

12 Months total

Regis reads Curly’s answer. He shakes his head in wonder and mutters: "How can anyone be so stupid."

"I can!"

Regis delivers the bad news: "I’m sorry Curly. You ordered eleven months but totaled twelve of them. We’ll have to disqualify you and do the round over."

A disappointed Curly stammers off to the penalty box muttering under his breath, "I didn’t know you had to be a math genius to get on this show."

Regis starts over: "Here is the question again. Order the following months:

A=Jan, B= Feb, C=Apr, D=Mar

Go!"

Squirley says to herself: "I know my A,B,D’s" She pushes A,B,D,C

After a few seconds...

A winner! Squirley gets it: A,B,D,C in 5.33 seconds.

"That was easy Regis....putting the letters in alphabetical order."

"Whaaattt??" Regis: "You dope. You were supposed to put the months in order. You were lucky."

After a small disbelieving head shake, Regis asks Squirley a simple question: "What is your name?"

"Two words describing the other person’s moniker. Is that the million dollar question?"

Regis tries to finish the introductions. "Huh??? We haven’t started the contest yet. I’m just asking your name."

"Squirley. And these are my sisters Mary and Flo."

Regis: "Squirley? You’re parents had that one right."

"Thanks, Regis!"

Regis stands up and announces to the crowd: "Let’s play ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire!"

The audience reads the queue card ‘Cheer!’ and cheers.

Regis starts the game: "Ok, here is the first question. What state is Los Angeles in? A. Delaware B. Mexico C. California or D. Florida. Take your time."

Mary is the first to answer: "None of them. It’s E. Sorry."

Regis is confused: "No. You have to choose A, B, C, or D."

"Look, pal. It is overcrowded. The water is bad. The air is polluted. The highways are congested. It’s full of illegal aliens. Isn’t it in a sorry state?"

Regis admits, "Well, yes, but..."

Judges accept the answer.

Regis is starting to form beads of sweat on his forehead. He says to himself: "Remember Regis, it will all be over soon."

"Ok, next question. What is the 3^rd letter of alphabet? A) B or B) E. or C) C. or D) F? Take your time."

Flo rubs her chinny chin chin: "Let’s see..."

Regis stands up and announces: "That’s correct! C."

Curly and Larry celebrate! "Mazzaltof!" and they kiss each other on the cheek. Moe bangs their heads together. "Watch the show!"

Regis looks askance at them as he continues.

"Next question for $4000. What is another name for 12 inches?"

Before Regis can list the answers, the girls huddle.

"24 half-inches" Squirley confides to Flo. Flo stomps on her toe.

"Oww, my foot!" winces Squirley in pain.

Regis shakes his head in disbelief. "That’s correct. A foot."

"Next question: How much is the average dishwasher? A) 300 B) 60 C) 7000 D) 4000."

Squirley jumps up: "Pick me!! Pick me! I’ll answer it! Hey, toadstool. Pick me. I’m the one."

Regis looks around the studio for a few seconds then acquiesces. "Ok. Answer it."

Squirley: "Answer what?"

Regis says to himself why me? What did I do wrong? A TV host is not bad. "The question I asked."

Mary: "B. 60."

"Is that your final answer?"

Mary: "Of course not. The show isn’t over. I still have to talk to my accountant. He has tons of questions about by tax return. My dad wants..."

Regis is sweating even more. "I meant the ... never mind. 60 is wrong. The answer is..."

Flo stands up and pounds Regis’ table. "Waddya mean 60 is wrong? I’ve never heard of a 7000 pound dishwasher."

"Oh no!" Regis defends himself. "The answers were in dollars, not pounds."

Mary: "The exchange rate is one dollar to two pounds. Or is it two pounds to a dollar?"

Regis: "What? I thought Flo was talking weight."

Squirley: "Flo talk about weight? She never gives out her weight."

Regis: "Maybe I’ll take the money and go home."

Squirley: "A dishwasher weighs about 60 pounds. I weighed one the other day."

"That does not surprise me." Regis reaches in his pocket and pulls out $10,000.

He hands it over to Flo: "Here. PLEASE go home."

Flo pulls a nutcracker out of her purse and ‘cracks’ his nose. "Nothin’ doin."

Regis rubs the nutcracker marks out of his nose.

The outfoxed Regis quickly says, "Bzzzzt. The judges informed me that B is an acceptable answer."

Later in the show after a long commercial break...

"The $64,000 question: How much is twice as much as 2? A) 2. B) 4. C) -1. or D) 11?"

Flo, Mary, and Squirley confer.

Squirley: "I think it’s 2."

Flo shows her two fingers: "Here’s two" and eye pokes Squirley.

Mary whispers the answer: "Let’s go with 13."

Flo twists Mary’s nose: "13 is not even an answer."

Flo announces to Regis: "This is too confusing. We’ll ask the audience."

Regis: "Ok, audience. You know the question. Answer it!"

"Hoo hoo hoooo"

"I told you this is not the Arsenio Hall show! Now answer the question."

Tick tock goes the clock...

Audience: 5% get 4. 28% get 2. 33% get -1. The rest don’t know.

Regis looks at the audience’s answers and thinks, "Hmmm. I wonder if it is the contestants or the audience who are low end."

"We think it’s a trick question. Thus we’ll go with the 5% who picked 4."

Regis cannot believe their logic - or lack of it. He announces: "That’s correct! 4."

Regis: "Okkk!"

He hurries as fast as he can. "Next question: ‘what toy do kids win at carnivals?’ A) Machine gun. B) Pinwheel. C. Sega playstation. Or D) Railroad. Take your time."

Flo challenges Regis: "My time? Why not your time? You invited us!"

Regis hesitates then defends himself: "Um, I meant you don’t have to hurry."

"We want to call someone."

Regis: "Ok, who?"

Squirley: "Bea C. Dee."

"What is her number?"

"411."

Regis objects: "That’s information! You can’t call that number."

"She is the town gossip. She has all the information."

Judges rule in favor of Stoogettes.

Regis reluctantly has the operator connect to 411.

Meanwhile in the audience...

Curly smiles, pulls out a cigar, and sniffs the entire length of it in anticipation of winning a million dollars. The butler (actually a roving doorman) runs over and says: "You can’t smoke in here."

"Sure I can. Watch." Curly lights up his Havanadero cigar, imported from South Carolina, and leans back in his chair.

"No smoking!"

"I’m not. I’m just puffing." Curly continues to enjoy his cigar.

"Put that cigar away!"

"Mmmmm!" Curly stuffs it in his back pocket.

After a few seconds...

Curly prods Moe: "Moe, I smell something burning. Smells like a roasting side of beef...YEOOOWWWW. It’s my side!"

Curly jumps out of the studio seat with his rear on fire.

He gets on the floor and runs around like a spare tire, smoking like a factory chimney.

Flo jumps up and points to Curly. "It’s a pinwheel."

Regis cannot believe their lucky streak. "Yes, Flo. It’s B. a pinwheel."

"The 1 million dollar question. Do you want to quit or go for it all?" Asks Regis.

The audience chants: "Go go go go"

"Quit. Quit. Quit," scream Moe, Larry, and Curly. "Keep the moolah! We want the dough!"

"Excuse us, Regis," says Flo, getting up from her seat.

The three girls walk up to MLC in the audience. "We have some advice for you."

"What?"

"This!"

"Now shut up! Quit embarrassing us, you churls."

SMF turn their backs to leave. MLC stick their tongues out: "Nyaaaa"

SMF each pull out rolling pins out of their purses and conk MLC on the heads without looking back.

Regis looks around, quite embarrassed, and starts babbling like a commercial break.

SMF go back up on stage and take their seats.

Flo takes charge: "Ok, Regis, let ‘er rip. What’s the last question?"

"How many feet in a yard? A) 31 B) 3 C) 2, or D) 16"

Flo challenges the question: "That depends on who is playing croquet."

"Whaaaat?" Regis is taken aback. "Croquet?? Uh, assume no one’s playing croquet." Regis shakes his head in disbelief. "What are these people thinking!"

"Hmmm. Since Squirley mows the lawn and she’s not a three-legged trapezoid, we’ll go with 2."

"Is that your final answer?" Regis announces.

"Yowza."

"You’re wrong." The audience breathes a collective sigh. "The answer is 3. You lose. As a consolation prize, you get this:" Regis hands Mary a check for $32,000.

"Here is your consolation prize" Flo eye pokes Regis then twists his nose. Mary pulls out a clump of his hair. Squirley kicks him in the shin. They walk off the set, disgusted.

A disheveled Regis looks in the camera and says, "Time for a loooooong commercial break."

Backstage, MLC are arguing with FMS:

Moe slams his fist on the dressing room table. "I told you to keep the money."

Curly yells at Mary: "Why didn’t you pick 31?"

Mary: "Shows you how smart you are. That would mean one of the guys playing croquet would have had one leg. How can you play croquet with one leg?" Mary picks up a nearby croquet mallet and conks Curly in the head. "That’ll knock some sense into you."

Larry waves his arms and squeals at Squirley: "Why didn’t you pick 16?"

"I would have if I was convinced it was those eight-balls in Scotland Yard."

Moe says: "Regis said the answer was 3."

Larry, who has been reading the dictionary, agrees: "He’s right. According to Webster, there are 3 feet in a yard. I knew Regis tricked us. He meant the measuring yard not the lawn yard."

Everyone stops arguing when the side door jiggles open.

A dark hooded figure enters the dark room through the dark door.

He sticks out his wavering finger from his shroud and in a dark voice announces: "Your troubles are not over. You owe the IRS half your winnings."

Everyone gasps.

"Your troubles are still not over. You owe 25% for state taxes."

Everyone gasps louder.

Moe, the mathematician, pleads: "That leaves us with $8000."

"That will pay for local city tax, county tax, 2% energy tax, use of lifeline fee, Federal mandated collective bargaining tax, and umbrella tax."

Everyone gasps even louder.

Flo runs the numbers. "We are left with 67 cents. Ooooo. Kiss my grits! I’ll give you sixty seven cents."

Flo picks up her favorite rolling pin and chases the IRS specter out the door, down the street toward the IRS office.

"That’s four! Come back here!"

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