Episode 220 - Mo. Moe? No, Mow!
Moe, Larry, and Curly join the gold rush circa 1850s.
Scene I
It is a hot, humid summer night on the porch of Bandolier Motel, in rough-and-tumble Peoria, Illinois, 1857. The Stooges are rocking in their chairs, pondering a better life, as are the crickets.
Larry folds up the evening paper, even though it is only one page, and fans himself with it.
"Hey, Moe. Let’s get rich."
Moe, "And how are we gonna do that?"
Larry responds, "Become forty-niners."
Curly, "Football hasn’t been invented, yet…has it?"
"No, we’ll go out west and discover gold. Everyone else is doing it."
"Would you jump off a cliff if everyone else did?"
"Sure, if I became rich."
"There’s an escarpment near the racetrack, Longway Downs."
"Hmmm. How far is it?"
"Don’t know. We’ll join ATA and find out."
"ATA? What does the ATA know about cliffs?"
"American Train Association. They do triptix for any trip you take on a train."
"Uncle Phineas has a friend, Doug, who owns a bunch of mines out West near Denver and Carson City. He can be our host."
"That makes us parasites."
Larry: "After this trip we can go to Paris to see the Paris sites"
Scene II
ATA office on Adams Street.
Mr. Heavy D, proprietor of the ATA, briefly looks up from his solitaire game as the door creaks open.
Moe starts right in, "We wanna know how far it is to a gold mine out west."
"Yeah, yeah. A nice big one." chimes in Curly.
"You do? Which mine?" asks HD restraightening straightened papers on his desk.
Moe, "Never heard of the Witch mine."
Larry rubs his hands together, "We wanna go to one that hasn’t been discovered yet and that has lots of gold in it."
"Lots of gold. Ok," snickers Heavy D as he looks up a destination in his ‘Undiscovered Mines’ tour book.
"Here’s one."
Curly, "What’s it called?"
"Don’t know. It doesn’t have a name. It hasn’t been discovered."
"Where is it?"
"Don’t know. It hasn’t been discovered."
Moe, "What do you know?"
"That it hasn’t been discovered."
Curly, "Sounds like a good deal. We'll take it!"
Moe carefully pretends to check them over then stashes them in his pants pocket.
"That will be three dollars." HD extends a helping hand.
Curly butts in, "Double or nothing. Heads you win, tails I lose."
Heavy D ponders for a moment… "You’re on! - heads"
Curly flips an 1857 very good condition with no mint luster and one slight gouge mark on the obverse half cent and it lands tails.
He hangs his head in defeat, "Fiddletwigs. I lose again. I must be the unluckiest guy in the world."
Moe shakes his head in disgust, "More like the stupidest."
Heavy D points the way like Horace Greeley, "You leave in five minutes on the Peoria and Bureau Valley. Get going!"
Moe shows Mr. D. a stack of bills and flips six of them.
Mr. D accepts the payment and thanks Moe as they scamper out of the office and down to the rail yards.
"What the? Hey! You folded the money in half! Come back here!" Heavy D waddles a few steps then gives up when he jams in the jambs.
Scene III
Railway station, downtown Peoria. It is harvest time for sweet corn.
"Why are we taking the train?"
"How else do we get to Denver? Fly? Hahahahahaha!"
"Booooaaaarrrrddddd!" cries the conductor.
Curly, "Not me. My life is exciting."
"C’mon cueball." Moe drags Curly by the ear to their assigned seat.
Scene IV
Historic Union Station, Denver, Colorado under a ‘Travel by Train’ orange neon sign. A Rio Grande engine idles in between assignments.
Moe, Larry, and Curly disembark from their long journey and stretch a bit.
Curly reads his travel brochure, "Looks like this place has been around for a hundred years!"
Larry, "Looks like some of the clientele has, too."
Moe shakes a grizzled man reading a book ‘You, too, can Discover Gold’ "Where do we find gold mines?"
No response.
Moe shakes his quarry. "Hey! I asked you a question."
Moe rubs his fingers. "What is this stuff?"
No response.
"Hey buddy. Do you always talk to wax figures?"
Ignoring the comment, Moe accosts the ticket master, "Hey, mister. How do we get to a gold mine?"
He doesn’t even look up from his crossword puzzle, "Ask the bartender at the ‘Red Cat’ saloon at the intersection of First and First…do you know a four letter word for ‘four’? It has me stumped."
"Four"
"That works. Thanks."
Scene V
Inside the boisterous Red Cat Saloon. An old mahogany bar overlooked by a gigantic Victorian era mirror, holds every kind of liquor invented by man and every kind of man invented by liquor. Full house tonight.
With Larry and Curly bifurcating, Moe bellies up to the bar and orders a beer, "Red Cat Saloon? What was it named after?"
Barkeep BK, "An Indian named ‘Red Cat’. He was a famous hunter in these parts."
"What did he hunt?"
"Scalps."
"Eee."
Curly runs from the bathroom pointing to a wooden box, "Hey Moe! That guy on the phone is being electrocuted."
Larry listens for a few seconds. "No, he’s speaking Chinese."
"Calm down Gramps." BK pours him a whiskey and shoves it near him. "Have a drink."
Joe Walsh, tonight’s entertainment, remarks, "How can someone steal a mine?"
Spinach-chin retells his tale: "I went to work this morning and the mine was gone. Psssst. Our accountant says we are missing one thousand pounds of gold."
A drunk Omar Sheriff pounds the poker table and watches the stacks of chips jump a few inches, "Did you fill out a missing mine report?"
"Waaaaa! The reports were stolen, too."
Codger, "I had several thousand dollars worth of gold ore in jennies. Now it’s gone. Wahhh!"
Larry holds up the back of today’s paper, "Moe! Look at this advertisement for a new milk product. It’s endorsed by Joe."
"What’s it called?"
"Rocky Mountain Whey."
The boys are in a corner table figuring out their next move…
Curly, "Moe, we need to get some money so we can get pickaxes and overalls and a mining license."
"What page in the paper are the want ads?"
"Page one. Everything is on page one. It’s a small paper – the Pikes Peak Picayune."
Curly circles a possibility, "Here’s a job. We can work as mows."
Larry, "How can Moe work as a mow when Moe is already a Moe? What mo do you want?"
"Mow stands for maintenance-of-way worker. He’s a railroad tracks fixer-upper."
"Mow?"
Moe, "No, Moe."
Scene VI
First day on the job out in the wilderness where you can’t hear the church bells. Nothing along the tracks except tracks and a few weeds.
The mow manager, Michael O. Warren, barks out today’s orders, "Moe! Larry! Curly! Finish securing the rail."
Curly leans on his custom sledgehammer as he whispers to Moe, "What does he mean?"
Moe answers out the side of his mouth, "He means we drive spikes into the rail ties so the rail does not move."
"Can’t we glue it?"
MM, "Ok, break it up you guys and get to work!"
Larry, "We’re already at work. Am I missing something?"
Moe, "Yes, this."
Moe wipes his brow for the hundredth time. "I’m so hot my hair is sweating."
Curly sighs, "At least you have some."
"Ok onionhead. Hold the spike and I’ll slam it home."
Larry, "What’ll I do?"
Moe, "Stand in back of me and watch."
"Ouchhh, my hand!"
Inspector runs up to today’s work, "What the? There are ten spikes in one tie!"
"We had some extras."
M.O.W. slams down his clipboard, "That does it. You’re being promoted to a ballast car lading remover."
Scene VII
Ballast train creeping along the main line with MLC shoveling rocks over the side of the gondola.
Curly whispers to Moe, "Why do we keep putting rocks in the same place on the track?"
"What do you mean onionhead?"
"We put rocks here last week and now it needs them again."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I recognize that tree over there."
"Which one?"
"The one shaped like a tree"
Scene VIII
Night life scene at the Red Cat Saloon
- Walsh carefully places his guitar against a run-down piano before he introduces Moe, Larry, and Curly to a few regulars.
"Meet Black Jack Shellac, Blue Shoe Magoo, and Green Tree Magee – the Three Mushcateers."
GT Magee twists his pencil-thin mustache and fires back, "Who are you?"
BJ Shellac fans a deck of cards perfectly then deals them with blinding speed.
"Gulp." Curly, not to be outdone, introduces the troupe, "Er. Why we’re Tex Mex De fects."
Magoo, "Where are you from?"
"The South. South Peoria."
Larry blesses the poker chips, "Hallelujah"
"Why do they call you the Three Mushcateers?" wonders Curly.
"We lost our teeth in a poker game. All we can eat is oats and grits. You boys play cards?"
"Yeah. Old Maid."
"Bwhaahahaha" laughs the Mushcateers slapping each other on the back.
"When you get old enough you can join us in a poker game."
Curly wonders why would you want to jab some lady.
Next day off the job…
Larry groans, "Moe. I’m tired of walking down the tracks."
"Quiet porcupine. We need to find evidence."
Curly, "What does evidence look like?"
"Moe, we’re back again."
Moe recognizes his surroundings, "You’re right. Something is fishy."
Curly, "Where's Larry?"
Moe, "Sitting amongst the boulders sipping on a sarsparilla."
Curly, "Oh, he's having his drink on the rocks."
In town at the jail the city fathers are quite concerned…
Omar expresses his frustration by chewing on a 3 inch (ex-5 inch) pencil, "We turned this town upside down but no luck. Where does someone hide a thousand pounds of gold?"
Ole Lem pipes up from the corner, "We’re gonna miss payroll if the gold isn’t found."
Lem, "The town will get repossessed."
"Put out a big reward for information leading to the recovery of the gold," orders O. Sheriff.
Next day on the job, after hours…
Moe watches Curly in amazement. "What are you doing, blubberhead?"
Curly, "I’m trying to find which way is which."
"How?"
"By using my compass."
Moe slaps Curly’s hand and the compass falls down.
Curly points out an egregious error, "Moe, look. The compass is pointing east."
"So?"
"It’s supposed to point North."
"It’s this rock. It has the North Pole in it."
Larry, "Maybe Santa Claus dropped it."
Scene IX
P.O.C.R.A office at 132 N. Main Street.
Curly hands over some evidence to a government bureaucrat at the post office-cum-rock analysis agency, "There’s something wrong with this rock."
"Sorry. Defective rocks are not my department. Try the office at 132 NE Main which will refer you to 132 S. Main who will send you to 132 E. Main which has you go to 132 W. Main but you’ll end up at the upstairs office at 132 N. Main."
Assayer’s office. Upstairs at 132 N. Main
The Stooges barge into the office barely fitting through the door.
"Hey! We just talked to you an hour ago."
"That’s right. Now I’m an assayer – its past one o’clock."
Moe, "Saaaay. You have an Irish clock."
After pouring chemicals on the rocks, thumbing through several thick books, conferring with himself a few times, and scribbling math equations on a blackboard, the head assayer, Asissanassisamanissa examines the stones closely with his magnifying glass, "Why this rock contains gold and steel."
"Gold?" Larry and Curly doh-see-doh around the room, "Yahoo! We’re rich!"
spin them dice
lay that rail
gotta big check
that's comin in the mail
Moe strikes up a miner’s pose, "Thars gold in them thar rocks."
"Wait! Something is wrong. Steel does not occur in nature. This is a fake rock with real gold."
Larry, "What does that mean?"
"It means the rock is a fake but the gold is real."
"Thanks, Mr. Asissanassisamanissa."
"Call me by my nickname Asissanassisamanissabwahbodieboogy."
The boys convene in front on a rickety porch that desperately needs a whitewash…
Moe, "Whoever the crook is, is hiding the gold in these rocks."
"How do we catch the perpetrator?"
Larry, "Why don’t we disguise as rocks then…"
Moe huddles with Larry and Curly, "Here’s the plan. Curly gets in a poker game then…"
Scene X
Into the night…
Moe tosses another long into the blazing fireplace.
"It's hot in here," notes Green Tree.
Moe, "We'll hang up your coats for you."
Black Jack pats his well-fed stomach as he pushes forth his bet. Magoo and Magee are watching with intense interest from the corner of the bar.
"Four hundred calls. Four aces. Hahaaha!"
BJ starts to haul in the stack of chips…
Curly lays down the law, "Five kings. Come to papa!" Curly reels in his winnings.
"WHAAAT?" BJS is furious. "Five kings?"
"Yeah. Clubs, hearts, diamonds, spades, and maples."
"Maples?"
"Must be a Canadian deck."
"You dealt them," reminds Moe
Larry looks on with a devious smile.
"Oooooo!" BJS looks around the room for support but only sees solemn faces.
After a few minutes of stomping and complaining, BJS is handed a folded paper by Moe (disguised in a fake handlebar mustache and ten-gallon hat) which is marked "Important. Read at once." A seething BJS glares at Larry and Curly as he opens it.
Everyone asks, "What’s it say?"
BJS finally looks at the contents and reads it aloud, "Drinks are on the house...Oh nooooo!"
Scene XI
An early morning 11:05 AM explosion wakes up everyone in town.
Moe arrives on an unusual scene with the posse, the posse with their pistols drawn, and Moe with his crowbar drawn.
"Haaaalp! I can’t get up!" cries Blue Shoe Magoo, on the side of the track flailing on his back like an overturned tortoise.
Moe, "Are you hungry?"
"Yes."
"Here’s a crowbar."
"MmmsmmMM" mumbles a hung over Black Jack Shellac, face down in the ballast kicking like he’s in a pool.
"Get me outta here! Eeeeee!" yells a squirming Green Tree Magee, stuck in the middle of thorn bushes and poison ivy with a steady stream of fire ants crawling up his leg.
"There are your crooks, sheriff. Take them away!"
Scene XII
County Courthouse. The sun is low as the trial comes to an end…
Mary Pason, prosecutor, summarizes the crime, "After taking a portion of gold, the perpetrator glues together gold and iron then disguises it as a rock. He hid them in the ballast along side the tracks. Later, when the heat’s off, he goes back with a giant electromagnet along the right-of-way and picks up ‘his’ rocks."
Omar rubs his chin, "So that’s how he hid the booty from everyone."
"Where did he store the rocks?"
"In his bathroom."
Curly, "Oh, he had rocks in his head."
"How did you catch them?" asks the judge.
"We put magnetic filings in everyone’s suits while they played poker. We figured the crooks would stick to the rocks if they was the crooks."
"Were"
"Where?"
"Were"
"Was is were."
Judge Jowls, "Quiet, before I fine you for contempt of the English language."
"Ok judgy wudgy"
Epilogue
Doug leans back and downs a glass of homemade "3 Strikes and You’re Out" drink (2 shots Captain Morgan Private Stock rum and 2 drops Angostura bitters in a glass of lemonade) just before he stretches his suspenders, "Thanks boys for getting my mine back. As a reward, I’m giving you the mining rights to the Straitjacket Mine, near Virginia City, Nevada. I hear there may be silver near it. I gave Curly the map earlier."
Curly’s eyes pop wide open, "You mean that map was real? With a name of Virginia & Truckee, I said to me, ‘That cannot be real’"
"Why yes. It’s the only one in existence."
"I sold it to someone named Ogden Mills for sixty seven cents."
Ole Lem pipes up from the corner, "Ogden? Why I heard he’s a millionaire, no, a gazillionaire. He’s over the Comstock bonanza discovery last week. Why the Straitjacket has the biggest vein of silver known to man. It is all over the papers."
"67c?"
"67c?"
"67c?"
M
Sep 2002, Doug DePrenger