Episode 221 - No Kidding
Moe, Larry, and Shemp are "drafted" by Captain Kidd, the pirate.
Scene I
New York City, Aug, 1696. It is so hot and humid the water is sweating. Moe, Larry, and Shemp are living day to day wondering where their next meal will come from. Some neighbors are growing their dinner. Some neighbors are mowing their dinner. Times are tough.
Will and Wont are double-timing it down Pearl Street, stopping every so often to brush off summer’s dust. They are on the way to the marketplace for some fresh week-old fish when an odd site catches their attention.
Will shades his eyes from the bright sun as he reads a hand-painted sign in the front yard out loud, "Will wurk for dubloons"
Wont shakes his head. "I’ve got to give the guy credit; he is right to the point."
They continue to the marketplace so they can get first selection.
A few houses down, Will notices how trim the neighbor’s grass is while all the other lawns are straggly.
"How did you cut your grass so nice?"
Ole Lem pipes up from the back yard, "I have a Crapsman goat."
Will and Wont continue down Pearl Street passing by Captain Kidd’s domicile…
Scene II
Inside Moe’s house.
Larry vigorously shakes the family piggy bank – the sound of ‘you are broke’ rings silently throughout the living/dining/bed/kitchen/den/play room.
"Moe, it’s a good thing you inherited this house or we would be sleeping with the dock rats."
Moe sighs, "We’d better find a job soon or we’ll be eating dock rats."
Larry, "That sign you put up in the front yard has brought us nothing."
Shemp shakes the paper he’s reading, "Listen to this: Wanted: Gravediggers. We are buried with work."
Moe, "No. Too morbid."
"The morbid the merrier." doink!
"Stop poking me in the eyes!" Larry reiterates.
"Ok."
Shemp continues, "How about this: See the world; or what’s left of it. Join Captain Kidd’s cruise ship, the Adventure Galley. Apply at pier nine. Principals only."
"That’s for us!" cries Larry.
Moe acquiesces. "Beats sitting around here all day waiting for my freedom fries to grow."
Shemp rifles his dresser and is packed in five minutes. "Let’s see…bathing suit, hat, towels…"
Scene III
The NYC waterfront. Greenish creaking boats are gently rocking at their moorings while fat rats scurry up thick moldy mooring ropes with tonight’s banquet clenched in their teeth followed by a swarm of gnats. The stench of fish is almost overbearing as people come and go seeking a better life.
Shemp is looking around like a periscope for the cruise ship. "I’m peering for pier nine."
"What a creepy looking place."
"That is probably Shemp."
Shemp grabs Moe’s arm in joy. "Pier nine. There it is! The ‘Adventure Galley’. Let’s go see the world!"
"We’re off to see the sea to see what we can see," sing the Shemp and Larry duet.
Moe holds up two fingers. "See this?"
Larry, "Si." doink!
The Stooges run up and almost trip over themselves to get to the attendant.
"Hi. We’re here to sign up for the world wide cruise advertised in the Doubloon Saver."
Just like a carnival barker, Capt Kidd adjusts his sword then pitches his wares, "You’ve come to the right place. We pay better than any other ‘cruise’ ship around. Others pay twenty five percent of the treasure; we pay 75% of the treasure. That is 200% more than the 25% unless the reference point is 100% then we are 3/4 closer than 1/4."
"Do you work for the IRS?"
Kidd leans over and breathes yesterday’s catch into Moe’s face. "Do you want to sign up?"
Moe fans the air and starts to walk away, "We’ll think about it."
Without saying a word, Kidd draws his sword and starts hand-sharpening it while singing the popular pirate tune "Quit While you have a Head". His first mate, Scow, grabs a nearby axe and whittles a harpoon generating a sinister smile while the bos’n tightens up a noose around an invisible neck while making choking sounds. Other Club Mad members appear in a gauntlet coveting their favorite ‘toys’.
"Bwaaaahhhhhahahaha" echoes from the belly of the ship.
The Stooges cringe in fear. "Wh wh what was that?"
With a straight face Kidd doesn’t kid around anymore. "You’ll find out if you don’t sign up."
Drenched from sweating bullets, the Stooges decide, "Um. Er. You’ve convinced us. Where do we sign?"
"First you have to read the disclaimer."
"Where is it?"
"In Portugal. That happens to be our first port of call."
Shemp leans over to Moe, "Are you sure we should go?"
Scow glowers at Shemp as he drives his dark stained dirk deep into the ship’s railing and carves out a souvenir, "Aye Captain. I’d like to slice out someone’s liver tonight. Arrrr."
Shemp grabs his grips and is ready to scamper aboard followed by Larry and Moe. "EEeeeeee! When do we leave?"
Kidd ambles up the bouncing gangway, "Walk this way."
Scene IV
The Captain’s tour…
Kidd leads ML&S around the ship pointing out its highlights.
"Ooooh! A diving board!" Shemp smiles.
"A one-way diving board." Captain Kidd continues…
Moe and Larry look at each other with puzzlement.
"What’s this?" Crew member Slicem holds up one of Shemp’s prize possessions on his sword.
"A polka-dot bathing suit? Hahahah." The crew shreds it with their cutlasses. Shemp is speechless.
"Here’s where you sleep."
"Hammocks? Oh good. I can rock myself to sleep. Do you have any suntan oil?"
Kidd rummages through the medicine barrel. "Here."
Shemp reads the label on the bottle out loud, "Equator Suntan Oil. Made with Ahab’s fresh whale blubber. No additives."
Moe, "Say Captain. What do we get paid?"
"Three fourths of any treasure we confiscate."
"Eeeee! Talking bones!" Larry slams a door marked "Privat’
"You have a lot of skeletons in your closet."
Kidd’s eyes open wide and little daggers glimmer in them. "Yes, I do. Ex-shipmates who didn’t cooperate," he carefully answers.
"What’s for lunch?" asks Shemp, rubbing his tummy.
"Gourmet rock-hard biscuits with wiggly things in them. Most sailors eat them in the dark so they don’t see what they are eating."
Moe and Larry’s smiles decrease even lower.
Scene V
Sept 6th 1696. One hundred and fifty two party goers have signed up. The Adventure Galley is on its way to open sea headed for Madeira Island, 350 miles southwest off the coast of Portugal, famous for its wine. It is only about 34 miles long and mountainous but has some of the most fertile soil in the world.
ML&S are relaxing in their hammocks below deck swinging to and fro, reading the latest horse racing forms.
"Either swab the deck or walk the plank."
A stiff breeze cools down the Captain. Kidd looks around, "I wonder where they went?"
"I need some new men," laments Kidd to Scow.
"Why?"
"Scurvy. They did not drink their lime juice."
Kidd asks a nearby cutthroat, "Where are those three scalawags?"
Fellow henchman points to their hideout, "Up in the crow’s nest."
"Gimme some legroom."
riiippp! Out comes Larry’s hair. "Move over I said."
Kidd yells to the Stooges, "Avast maties. What do you see?"
"A lot of water."
Near dinner time…
Scow herds the boys into the galley, "You three help the cook cook."
Grumpy haggard unshaven cook, "Prepare these fish for dinner."
Larry, "Which plates will they eat off of?"
Later…
Cook, "What the? Where’s dinner?"
Larry, "They're skeleton fish."
Shemp presents his work, "I cleaned off the fish but only bones were left over."
Scene V
Jan 1697. Isle Sainte Marie, 10 miles off the coast of Madagascar. ML&S are tired of the boredom of being bored. The Adventure Galley is being careened on a nearby beach.
Cap'n Kidd inspects the underside of the Galley poking his knife in several spots. "Looks like we’ll be stranded for a while. The ship is rotten from teredos having it for lunch."
"Madagascar isn’t a bad place."
"Slosh on the pitch when the crew is done scraping the barnacles," orders Capt Kidd. "That will keep those sea termites at bay."
"Ok"
"Where are we going?" asks Moe, stirring a huge pot of smoky tar tended by Shemp and Larry who sprinkle in the spices.
Kidd, "To the Red Sea. There are a lot of ships rich with jewels and cargo. We’re gonna get us one."
Jan 1698
After a tough battle, Mulkis Khan’s Quedah Merchant is captured near the tip of India.
Kidd taps on a barrel marked ‘garbage’ with his sword.
"Ok. The battle is over. You can come out."
ML&S squeeze out of their apartment.
"You weren’t hiding were you?"
"No. We’re the reserves."
Captain Kidd "helps" his reinforcements out of hiding, "Owwww! Quit pulling my hair!"
Kidd triumphantly stands with one foot on the ex-captain’s chest and christens his new ship, "I dub thee ‘Adventure Prize’"
Two days out on their new ship…
Scow prods the next prisoner up to the mizzenmast where the scowling Captain Kidd awaits, arms crossed. This prisoner has a guest with him.
Captive #3 crawls up to Kidd on his knees
Kidd stands solid, "Show me."
Sooth puts down his chicken and sprinkles some corn on the dingy deck and waits…and waits…and waits.
Sooth shrugs his shoulders, "Mr. Pirate. The chicken won’t eat."
Kidd picks up the chicken, "Maybe he wants a drink."
"Where are we going?" wonders Larry, watching the binnacle’s compass spin around.
Scow, "To Hispaniola. We need to get rid of this cargo…I need the money."
Apr 1699. Hispaniola, River Higuey eastern side of the island …
Kidd, "Moe! Larry! Shemp! Sell this cargo and bring me the profits..and no funny stuff!"
"Cargo! Get your cargo!" yells Moe, Larry, and Shemp at different street corners.
"Hey buddy, want some cargo?"
Stranger eyes over the wares.
"Hey! This cargo is stolen."
Shemp shoves over the next item of interest, "Here’s some in the bottom of a barrel."
Stranger bends over the barrel to get a view but…
"Hey! Let me out of here!"
Larry, "Hurry Moe. Nail on the lid."
Captain Kidd taps his foot as he cleans under his nails with a knife as the Stooges approach the ship way past curfew.
"We sold all the cargo!"
Kidd is amazed but not impressed. "To who?"
"The chief of police."
Kidd is speechless.
"And the governor."
"The governor?"
"And the king."
"The King? Oh noooo!"
Moe, "They were following us. If we wait around, they will all be here."
"Yikes!" Kidd himself helps pull anchor as the Saint Antonio leaves harbor in record time.
Scene VI
The Saint Antonio is anchored near Clarke’s Island on the Connecticut River.
Moe is gazing through the company telescope topside.
Moe whispers to Shemp, "Kidd is burying his treasure."
Scow walks by and interrupts the coterie, "What are you looking at?"
Shemp saves the day, "Um, doing the usual pirate things – looking in people’s windows."
"That’s good. Just don’t watch the Captain bury his treasure or you’ll get keel-hauled."
"He’s gone."
"Quick, make a cross on the tree on the map then draw an arrow…"
Shemp scratches with his feather pen, "Oooo twiddlefigs. This blasted pen. Never again will I go to a "pick your own pen from a peacock" farm."
"Larry, see if you can find ??"
Moe cries out, "Ahhhh! A giant eye!"
Moe carefully looks up from the scope to see the insidious monster…it is Larry peeking in the other end of the telescope.
bonk! "Oooouch. Why did you hit me?"
Moe, "You’re an insidious monster."
Captain Kidd and his entourage return to the ship.
The first mate passes out folded papers to every crew member.
Shemp whispers to the pirate next to him, "What’s going on?"
Pirate, "If the Captain calls out your number then we kill you and put your carcass on top of the treasure for good luck. It also keeps treasure hunters away. If not, there is always next time."
Shemp trims his nails in record time.
"NINE."
Larry has 4. Moe has 21.
Kidd looks around, "No one has nine?"
A HUGE lummox with a parrot on his shoulder laughs as Moe glances at his number.
Shemp peeks at his again and starts sweating profusely.
Moe taps the lummox on the shoulder, "Hey Buddha. Simon says stand on your head and read us your number."
"Duh, ok." After several tries, "It says nine. Oh noooooooo!"
"Moe. How are we gonna get out of this life?"
"We need to turn in Captain Kidd to the authorities."
"Plan B goes into action."
Plan B
While out for a nightly stroll, Shemp walks up to the nearest military captain and…
"Nya nya."
Nero and his MPs chase Shemp through the mildew cobblestone streets around a few taverns and up the gangway onto the Saint Antonio and behind the bearded Captain.
"Well, if it ain’t Captain Kidd the pirate."
"Pirate?" Kidd backs away."No, I’m a privateer under the King’s orders."
"The King’s orders are for all pirates to go dancing…on the end of a rope. Bwahhahahaaah"
"No!"
"Yes! We have a necktie just your size!"
"I’m innocent I tell you! The crew made me do it!"
"That’s what they all say. Take him away!" The MPs haul off Capt Kidd in chains.
"No it’s true! They forced me…"
"Yeah. Yeah. Hang tight!"
Epilogue
Not a cloud in the sky at Clark’s Island.
Larry bounces up and down with joy, "At last. We’re finally alone with the treasure. No one is around to pester us."
Moe, "Ok Shemp. Get the map."
"Here Moe."
Moe unfolds it and is flabbergasted, "What the? SHEMP! What are all these Xs on the map?"
"My pen kept running out of ink so I had to restart it on some paper."
Moe, "Waaaahhhh! It’ll take me the rest of my life to find the treasure."
Shemp pats him on the back, "You’re still young. You have plenty of time."
Moe picks up a bat, "You won’t after I’m finished with you!"
Moe is last seen in hot pursuit of Shemp with Larry trying to keep up.
M
Short #221 © Feb, 2003 Doug DePrenger