• Catalog
  • Cart

217 - Man Overbored

The 3 Stooges end up as castaways on Gilligan’s Island.

Scene I

The Stooges are in the living room of their San Diego apartment.

After reading the real-estate section of the San Diego Union-Tribune, Moe crumples up the paper and tosses it in the garbage, and, with a frown on his face, laments on the cost of owning a house.

“Buying a house in southern Cal is sure expensive.”

“Hey Moe. I have an idea on how to save money. Lets move out of this roach motel into a houseboat. No real estate tax. No closing costs. And no mowing the lawn!”

Moe sips his coffee then looks up from the crossword puzzle, “Larry, that is a good idea.”

Shemp and Larry get up off the couch and start a dancing duet, “We’re off to see the sea to see what we can see. We sing in C on the sea on Grandpa’s knee...”

“Where did you learn to sing like that?”

“On Grandpa’s knee.”

<doink> double eyepoke.

Moe cuts them off, “Quiet. I hafta think. Something you don’t know about.”

Shemp, “I resent that. I know how to think...I think.”

Larry, “I tried to think once.”

“What happened?”

“I’m still waiting.”

Shemp does not want to go, “I’m not going out the door.”

“Why not? There is a big surprise waiting for you.”

Shemp runs over to the door, opens it, and looks around outside, “Where’s the surprise?”

�“Right here.” <wham!> �Shemp gets a kick in the pants. “Get going!”

Scene II

San Diego Harbor. New and used houseboat pier.

Shemp looks around at all the sloops, yachts, dinghies, rowboats, aircraft carriers, submarines, triremes, barks, frigates, paddleboats, whalers, junks, and plain old boats. “Hey Moe. Where do we buy a boat?”

“Right over here, son.”

The Stooges turn to see who’s calling.

A checkered pants, coffee breath man with an Elvis haircut and a ten-gallon hat greets them with an outstretched hand, “Hi there. I’m Slade Slick Slacks selling sailboats from sunup to sundown. I’ve been in business kkldfkklas and my Grandpa, too.”

Moe pokes his ear closer, “I didn’t quite understand all of that.”

A suspicious Larry pointedly asks, “Can I see your business credentials?”

“Sure son.” Slick points out the business license and commendations hanging on the wall of his small office. Shemp puts on his cokebottle glasses, bends down to view the licenses and bumps his head on the wall. After adjusting the glasses he looks closely at the odd characters, “I can’t read chinese.”

Moe kicks Shemp in the pants, “You propellerhead. You are reading the peeling paint.”

Larry walks over to the old, musty papers hanging on the wall to see if he can decipher them, “Hmmmm. I can’t read them, either.”

“That’s because they are written in Oogoolean, a long lost tongue of my Grandpa’s Grandpa. Family tradition, you know.”

Slick puts his arm around Moe in a friendly fashion and starts in on his sales, “See that boat? Why you can take over a small country with it. War surplus. I’m not sure if Kmart sells 14-inch shells anymore, though. Only 300 gallons to the mile. Also comes with cruise control, cruise missiles, and his-and-hers coffee holders.”

Moe eyes the battleship over, “I do not like the color.”

Slick herds them over to a small sloop, “Here’s a nice one. Low mileage. New paint. Used by a Grandma to visit her daughter Sunday on Saturday.”

Shemp, “Was she a mermaid?”

Moe squashes Shemp’s nose with his hand, “Quiet, titmouse.”

“We’ll take it.”

Slick leaves with a stack of papers, “I have to go ljasldkfjlkdsjf and that is that.”

Shemp quizzes Moe and Larry, “What should we call the boat?”

Moe frowns, “A boat, you dolt. What do you think I should call it? A fork?”

“No. Every boat has a name on the back.”

“How about ‘Luisitania’?”

Moe shakes his head. “No. Too ominous.”

Larry, “I know! Titanic!”

Shemp, “That is more ominouser than Luisitania...the Titantic is the most ominoustest.”

Moe grabs Shemp by the front of the shirt, “Where did you learn English like that?”

“In my Spanish class.”

Out comes a chunk of Shemp’s hair. “I learned that in ‘Barber school in 5 seconds’.”

“How about ‘Good Ship Lollipop’?”

<bonk> “Be serious.”

“We’ll name it after your personality: ‘Over Bored’”

Slick comes back with the papers, shoves them in Moe’s hand then says, “HereAreThePapersYouTakeImmediatePossesionOfTheBoatGoodByeAndGoodLuckYouWillNeedIt.” Slick grabs their cash and loses himself in the crowd, laughing all the way.

“Now what?”

Larry asks Shemp, “Say, doc. Which dock do we dock the boat?”

Moe conks their heads together.

“Let’s get some sleep. It is getting late.”

The Stooges climb aboard their new home and start napping.

After a few hours of quiet time...

Shemp rustles around in bed and wakes up Moe, “Hey Moe, the boat is moving.”

“Shut up and go to sleep. You’re dreaming, you antbrain.”

“I once dreamt I was a school bus tailpipe.”

“Really? What happened?”

“I woke up exhausted.” <doink> “Go to sleep!”

“I can’t! I keep dreaming the boat is moving.”

“Here, I’ll help.” Moe picks up a tire iron off the nightstand and gives Shemp some nighttime medicine.
”Good niiiiiiiiiiight.” Shemp drifts off. So does the boat.

Moe wakes up to sunshine and the smell of the briny deep but realizes something is wrong. “Hey, we’re out in the ocean!”

Moe looks around, “There is no land in site.”

Moe shakes Shemp to wake him up.” Didn’t you moor the boat?”

Shemp fumbles for the right words, “Umm. Errrr. Well, I...”

“Did you tie the boat to the dock last night?”

“Yes, with this.”

“That is kite string.”

“That is all I had with me.”

“If you had a pinhead of brains you’d be dangerous.”

An exasperated Moe looks around at the ocean and shrugs his shoulders, “We are out in the middle of nowhere.”

Shemp rubs his nubbley chin, “I think we are somewhere even though it is nowhere – we just don’t know where somewhere is.”

Shemp, dressed up as a sailor, is standing at the bow of the boat scanning the horizon. He cries out, “Land ho! Torpedo off port bow. 3000 meters.”

“Where did you learn navy talk like that?”

“A John Wayne movie.”

Larry runs up and grabs Moe by the arm, “Moe. Moe! A fish is swimming at us. Look!” Larry points to the wake of a small object.

“AAAAAHhhhhh!” Moe dons his skipper’s hat, “That IS a torpedo! Set course for 330 degrees North by Northwest at 6 knots.”

Shemp perplexes over his astrolabe. “What does that mean?”

Moe yells at him, “Turn the boat so we don’t get blown up!”

Rruuuf!” barks Shemp. He spins the wheel causing the boat to turn and just miss the torpedo.

“This is 2001, not 1943. Who would be trying to sink us?”

Larry, “I’ll bet we are in a submarine practice range.”

Shemp’s knees are knocking, “You don’t think it is Yarri, do you?” (readAbracadavera’)

Gimme da money or else,” yells Gorilla from a submarine conning tower.

Larry whispers to Moe, “Oh no. The mafia men found us.” (read ‘Los Wages’)

Shemp yells back to the conning tower, “Or else what?”

Dis, you wise guy.” Mafiaman crouches down and presses a red button labeled ‘Get em’.

<click> Nothing.

<click> “Hmmm. It’s stuck”

Gorilla crinkles his forehead in frustration as he presses the red button several more times... then an explosion in the bow of the sub throws pieces of shrapnel everywhere.

Gorilla yells down in the hatch to his other goons, “Oooo that Slick Slacks. He sold us a defective torpedo. Abandon sub!”

The mafia goons scramble out of the conning tower with their rubber lifeboats and jump overboard.

Shemp tosses the goons a present, “Here. You can have my dart collection.”

Larry runs out on the deck and quickly hoists all the sails to catch the strong NNE breeze. It whisks them away from the sinking sub off into the unknown.

Shemp, “We were lucky that torpedo blew up the Mafia sub. Now where are we going?”

In a sad tone of voice Larry says, “I would be happy going to the grocery store.”

Shemp looks over the side of the boat and remarks, “Saaaayyy. This water looks familiar.”

Moe holds up two fingers, “Do these look familiar?”

“Why, yes.”

<doink>

Shemp rubs his eyes, “I’m familiar with that, too.”

After several hours of nothing...

“Land ho! 3000 meters off port bow.”

“I don’t see land.”

“Over there.” Shemp points to the back of the boat.

“You seaweed brain. That’s the back of the boat. The bow is in the front.”

“I learned those sea talking words on a John Wayne movie a few weeks ago.”

<doink> “Unlearn them. Turn the boat around and sail toward that island.”

Scene III

“Over Bored” arrives in a cove on a small island.

Shemp looks over the idyllic setting. “This doesn’t look like San Diego.”

Larry, “Maybe it’s a pirate’s hideaway. Captain Kidds. Or maybe his kids. Or his kids kid. And I’m not kidding.”

“Don’t all islands have headhunters on them?” asks a nervous Shemp looking around at the trees for spears or oversize cooking pots.

Moe, “You don’t have to worry. They would take one look at yours and throw it back.”

The Stooges disembark from their sloop while suspiciously looking around. A figure is in the bushes spying on them. After evaluating the newcomers, he emerges with no fanfare.

“Who are you?” asks Moe.

Shemp, “You don’t look like a headhunter.”

“I’m Gilligan. The rest of us are inland. Did you come to rescue us?”

“No, we’re lost.” Moe points to Shemp, “This wombat didn’t secure the boat so we ended up here.”

“You are invited to dinner. You can meet the rest of the castaways.”

Backing away slowly, Shemp remarks, “Oh no. I know that trick. WE end up in a missionary pot as the main course.”

Moe pushes the recalcitrant Shemp along as the three of them follow Gilligan. After about ten minutes of travel, they come to a clearing where the smell of coconut permeates the air.

Moe, Larry, and Shemp, in unison, “Foooood!” They run up to the bamboo dinner table and sit down with a big smile on their faces.

“What is for dinner?” asks Shemp holding a bamboo knife and fork in anticipation.

“Yew.”

“AAAHHHHHH! Cannonballs. They want to eat me!!!” Shemp leaps off of his stump and starts to run away but Moe casts, snags his fish, and reels him in.

“Moe. Moe! I knew it. I’m the main course,” cries Shemp, running in place.

MaryAnn laughs while stirring a small pot, “You idiot. A yew is a plant indigenous to this island. It is the natural source of the drug paclitaxel used…”

“I DON’T WANNA BE STUFFED ON A TABLE WITH AN APPLE IN MY MOUTH!”

Moe, “Relax, mongoose. They don’t have apples on this island.”

MaryAnn continues with today’s special, “Coconut flamb� with coconut salad and a coconut milkshake.”

“What is for dessert?”

MaryAnn, “Coconut sundae without the ice cream. I call it coconut mundae.”

MaryAnn, “Tomorrow is palm leaf soup with palm leaf salad and palm leaf sundae nix ice cream for dessert.”

�“I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

“Hi Skipper, these three imbeciles landed in the cove.”

Skipper straightens his hat and asks, “Hi boys. Are you the rescue party?”

Shemp brushes a twig off his shirt, “No, we’re the Stooge party. We have dinner reservations at eight. We’d like a window seat near...”

<bonk> Moe clobbers Shemp in the head with his fist.

“Always the wise guy.”

Gilligan continues with the introductions...

“And this is Ginger, the movie star.”

In her romantic movie star voice she coos, “Hi boys.”

<e b b b b b b b b> Shemp’s bowtie twists around like a propeller and steam pours out of the neck of his shirt.

Larry lights up and talks but no sound comes out of his mouth.

Moe just stares agape.

“What brings you to our island?”

A romantic red-faced Shemp, “We got lost. But I’m glad we found you.”

“Will you take me off this accursed island?”

“Sure. What do we do with the others?”

Owwwwww” Moe drags Shemp by the ear. “Stop flirting. We have to meet the others.”

Gilligan continues his introductions. “This is the professor.”

Professor, “Hi gents. What latitude and longitude did you come from?”

“San Diego.”

Professor walks away, turning his head and talks while he is walking down a path through the jungle, “I have to go work on the boat. I’ll see you later.” Professor continues his one man conversation, whom fades as he distances himself, “...then 3.14 divided by the lunar phase will yield approximately...”

Gilligan continues his introductions...

“And this is Mr. and Mrs. Howell.”

“Thurston Howell III.” Answers the boisterous Mr. Howell, extending his hand in friendship: “We are the millionaires of the island. Aren’t we, Lovey?”

“Yes dear. Multimillionaires.” She obediently answers. “What time is the polo match?”

Thurston, “Remember, we are on this island, not Long Island.”

“I do miss our polo matches. Do you play polo?”

Shemp, “Certainly do. When we swim at the municipal pool.”

“Whaaaat??” Mr. Howell is perplexed.

“We play ‘Marco Polo’. First you call out ‘Marco’ then...”

As Shemp struggles through the intricacies of ‘Marco Polo’, Thurston tilts a little toward his wife and whispers, “These boys aren’t the brightest bulbs in the box.”

Lovey, “No, dear. They are 25 watt bulbs in a 100 watt box.”

Mr. Howell proposes some work, “You builders?”

Larry pipes up, “Yep. We can skim anything off the top.”

Moe glares at Larry, “He said builders, not bilkers.”

Mr. Howell, “How would you boys like to work for $100 an hour?”

Shemp and Larry fall over each other, “Sign me up!”

“I need an addition to my mansion.”

Moe looks around, “Where is your mansion?”

“Back in New York.”

Lovey brings out drinks, “Here, Thurston. Coconut Manhatten. I do wish we had our bevy of servants. Mixing drinks is so laborious.”

“Yes, it does tend to overwork oneself,” wheezes Mr. Howell as he wipes peasant sweat from his brow.

Dressed to kill in a gold sparkly Las Vegas dress, Ginger cozies up and asks Shemp, “Did you bring any makeup?”

“I’m not one of those type.”

“No. I meant for me.”

“I have a magic marker.”

<slap> Shemp gets it as Ginger walks away.

Still hurting from his Gingerly slap, Shemp wanders around the island, checking out bushes and trees. He comes to a clearing and sees someone hard at work, “whatcha building professor?”

“An ancient Egyptian trireme, the supersport model. I figure if everyone of us mans the oars, we can make it off the island before next monsoon season.”

“Can I be the slavedriver?”

<whaam> Professor knocks Shemp on the head with a tree branch. “No.”

“I’ve had enough for today. I need to get back to the hut. I’ll see you later.” The Professor walks a straight line down the beaten path off into the jungle.

Shemp looks over the unfinished boat, “I know! I’ll chop down a tree to help.”

Paul Bunyan picks up an old ax and starts chopping the biggest tree he can find.

“TIMMBBBEEERRRR!” The tree falls down with a crash...right on top of the trireme!!

<webbbbbbbbb> Shemp runs around in circles, running into the same tree twice, then dashes back to the hut.

Larry and Moe are helping Mary Ann scoop out coconuts when they hear a desperate voice.

“Moe. Moe! I need to talk to you.”

“What is it, warthog?”

Shemp whispers, “I just chopped down a tree, you know, to help out, and it smashed a boat the Professor was building.”

“You stupid, retarded, idiotic, um, um.”

Moe continues, “clod, moronic, zilch.”

Moe glares at Shemp: Shemp slaps himself; eye pokes himself, twists his own nose like a ratchet, and pulls out his hair for a finale.

“We’d better leave first thing in the morning before they find out. We’ll have to keep them occupied so they don’t visit the boat. I’ll tell Larry.”

Shemp, “What will I do?”

“We’ll use you for jungle bait to keep the wild animals away.”

Over a coconut dinner...

“Say Professor, just in case we ever get off this island, do you have any idea on how we get home?”

Professor strokes his chin and emerges from deep thought. “Lets see. If it took you two days to arrive, and the trans pacific wheedle current is 4 knots, but since it is El Nino season, the bifurcating the Alaskan eddy is affected by the volcano eruption of Mt. Etna causing the warm air to cool two degrees, your best way home would be to sail 330 degrees East by South East in an easterly direction then turn left in seven hours. Is that clear?”

Shemp nods his head in agreement. “Yes, that’s clear. But how do we get home?”

Professor points out over the ocean. “That way!”

“Hey, Larry” Moe whispers. “We need to entertain these castaways.”

“Maybe we can interest them in chess.”

Larry, “We’re known down at the fish market as the trio of two..all three of us. We play for the halibut.”

A smiling Larry looks over at Moe, “Pretty good?”

Moe glares at Larry.

“Not good.”

Moe, “Prepare yourself for your punishment...73B”

Larry starts to back away, “No Moe, not 73B!”

Moe, “Yes, 73B”

Larry quickly preps himself for disaster: he pulls out a washrag and washes his face; puts a little eye drops in both eyes. A little of Ginger’s mascara brings out the brown of his eyes.

A reluctant Larry resigns himself to 73B: “Ok, Moe. I’m ready.”

�<doink> Larry gets the machine-gun eye poke. (shown in fast motion) <doink>

Scene IV

The Entertainer

Larry announces to the crowd, “We are going to sing and dance...” He stops and frowns when MaryAnn brings out a bunch of tomatoes in a basket named ‘Extra Rotten’. Each member of the smiling audience picks out a few choice onces and sets them down in front of them.

“Ok, we’re ready.”

Larry runs off stage to Moe who is waiting in the wings, “I don’t like the looks of this.”

Moe grabs Larry’s ear and drags him back on stage. “The show must go on.”

All of a sudden Shemp goes wild, “Whooaaaa!” He does cartwheels across the stage; runs around on the ground like a pinwheel; he leaps up and bounces up and down like a jumping bean.

An excited Gilligan turns to Skipper and says, “Wow! Look at Shemp go.”

Shemp scurries up a palm tree then dives into the ocean. A few bubbles pop on the surface; then Shemp’s head appears. He swims to shore and crawls through the sand to safety.

“What happened?”

“A huge bug crawled down by back...”

Scene V

The great escape

Moe is the first to wake up. He gets out of the straw bed, does a few stretches, then leans over and whispers to Larry, “Get up, porcupine. And be quiet.”

Yawning then rolling over, Larry has a request, “I want to sleep in.”

“I said get up.” Moe keel-hauls Larry by the hair and drags him out of bed.

“Go wake Shemp while I get a few things for the trip home.”

The three of them sneak out of their guest hut.

A loud voice stops them in their tracks. “Where are you going?”

A beet-red Moe quietly answers, “We are going for a Sunday stroll.”
”It’s Saturday.”

“Um. We want to beat the crowds.”

The quick-thinking Moe, “Wanna play ‘Pirates and Galleons’?”

Gilligan, “Sure!”

“Ok, we tie you to this tree...you are the captured galleon captain.”

Shemp ties up Gilligan to a palm tree.

“Then we take the boat on pirate adventures.”

MLS climb aboard and leave the island.

“I’m glad the professor gave us directions home.”

“Land ho! San Diego off port bow. 3000 meters.”

“Not that again.”

Back on the island...

Skipper comes down to the cove and sees Gilligan tied up, staring out toward open ocean. As Skipper unties his friend he asks, “Gilligan. Where’s the boat?”

“I don’t know. We’re suppose to leave tomorrow morning.”

Skipper, “Tomorrow? That’s great, little buddy. We’re finally going to get rescued.”

“That is what they told me yesterday.”

Skipper’s smile turns into a frown. “You coconuthead.”

<bonk> “Ouch”

<bonk>Owwww! Put that pipe down!” cries Gilligan.

<bonk> “Ouch! I wish you never met Moe.” <bonk>

@

Produced and directed by Doug DePrenger

© 2001 Doug DePrenger

Back to Stooge Shorts