Episode 222 - Penny Auntie

Moe, Harry, and Doug (the 3 Flaws) help their aunt regain her flower shop in the wild, wild west.

Scene I

Poker game at the Red Doggy Dogg Saloon in Reno, Nevada. Two players remain: Ed and Penny. Even the piano player has stopped to watch. The bartender is in slow motion as he makes a Wobbulator (2 shots vodka, 8 oz pomegranate juice) for a thirsty customer. Specs, Moai (stonehead), and Burbles, who folded long ago, are glued to their seats at the hex-shaped wooden poker table. The affable 64, Ed’s body guard and reluctant confidant, is behind his boss, reading a Bugs Bunny comic book.

"And I raise ten thousand," bellows Ed "Buddha" Kroco (crock-o), owner of most of the businesses in town, as he shoves another stack of poker chips to the middle of the table which is dwarfed by the chips already there.

After glancing at her hand for the thousandth time, Penny ponders a picosecond and posits, "I want to call but I don’t have that kind of money."

"That’s ok." assures Ed, verbally patting her on the back. "You can put down the deed to your business. We’ll call that ten thousand."

"Well…all right. I call."

"What do you have, woman?" asks Specs.

"Four kings."

"I have four Aces!" cries out a triumphant Kroco as he spreads out his hand and immediately scoops it back up.

As Mr. Ed reels in his winnings among the rancor of the crowd, Doug whispers to his neighbor. "Moe. That guy had two aces of spades."

"What?"

"Yeah. Penny was cheated."

Moe stands up, "Ed!"

No answer is heard as Ed carves a noose into the poker table with his Bowie knife then glares at the Flaws. He stands up and his 357 Magnum nearly falls out of his pants as he packs his suitcase with money and the deed to Penny’s Flowers.

Scene II

Dinner time at Penny’s house where it is quiet as a deaf and dumb dormouse…

Moe breaks the solemn silence by slamming the dinner table, bouncing his plate a few inches. "Aunt Penny, you were cheated!"
"Why didn’t you do something?" asks Harry, picking at his penne pasta side dish.

"The guy had a cannon…and I don’t argue with cannons," Penny sobs. "What’ll I do?"

"We’ll get your store back." states Moe, tapping the family iron pipe in his hand. "Won’t we."

"Uh yeah!"

Larry, "How?"

Moe, "Think! If possible."

Moe, Harry, and Doug muse over several ideas on recovering the flower shop and getting justice. None are very promising.

Scene III

Buddha and friends are celebrating at his favorite restaurant.

64 bites into his syrup-soaked hot dog as he tosses out another compliment. "Duh. Nice going, boss. You won another business!"

"Thanks, 64." Ed attacks his medium rare big-as-your-head porterhouse steak.

"Can I run the business?" asks 64.

"You already run a lawn mowing service."

"But I don’t make any money at it."

"What have you done to improve service?" wonders Ed, spooning hot fudge over his parfait.

"I offered perma-mow application and have been going broke ever since."

Ed finishes his last bite, "Perma-mow? Never heard of it."

"A new service introduced last year where I only have to mow the lawn once."

"Hmmm. Keep going."

"It’s my brilliant idea." 64 continues, "I mow the lawn short then apply grass killer to it. Voila! No repeat mowing."

"And no repeat business."

"I never thought of that." 64 is lost in the clouds.

Scene IV

Back room at Penny’s Flowers, an old wooden structure that has changed hands many times over the years, which is sorely in need of maintenance. Only employees are allowed.

The Flaws barge in. "Anyone home?"

The black leather chair with the word "Penny" stitched in red on the back squeaks as it turns, "Who are you?"

"Mr. Crooko?"

"That’s Kroco!"

Moe pushes Doug to the front, "He’s the greatest poker player ever to poke players at a poker player poker game."

Doug shoves Larry to the front, "No, this porcupine is!"

Moe whispers to Doug, "We picked you as the poker player – so play poker."

"Owwww! My ear."

Doug acquiesces, "Ok. Ok. I’m the greatest, you hideous monster."

"WHAAAT?"

"Ooops. My inner self escaped."

Ed draws his 357, "Listen buddy. We’re gonna have us a poker game tonight at the Doggy – eight o’clock sharp. If you’re not there, the last thing you’ll see is this."

Moe, "He can’t answer very well with the barrel of your gun in his mouth."

"Pheww. That tastes awful. You need new gun oil. Try olive flavored…"

"64! Escort these miscreants out the door."

64 bows slightly, "Would you gentlemen care for a hot towel before you leave our establishment?"

"THROW THEM OOOOUUUUT!" says Buddha shaking his fists in rage.

Scene V

Penny’s living room covered with small wagon wheels hanging on the wall collected at various stage coach stops. The Flaws are discussing ways to win.

After reading "Poker for Pokers", Doug is exacerbated, "Moe. I’m not very good at playing this game."

"Learn from Penny."

Penny fans out a deck of cards, "There are several rules to know when you play poker."

"Rule one: You need to keep a straight face. For example, rubbing your hands in anticipation when you have a full house is not good."

"Next you need to..."

Scene VI

Three masked men barge into ? office: "Stick ‘em up!"

Man #1, "I said stick em up!"

"Hey Moe! They won’t stick em up."

Scene VII

7:59 PM. Front of Red Doggy Dogg Saloon

Standing in front of the swinging saloon doors, Doug hesitates, "Moe. I don’t feel like playing poker."

Moe shoves him through the door, "You have to. We need to get Penny’s flower shop back."

Harry is dragged along, too.

"Why do you need me?" asks Harry.

"For bait."

Kroco pats his 357, "I see you showed up on time. Good thing or else…"

Moe, "Let’s get on with it."

Ed, "Have a drink. They’re on the house."

"Free drinks?" Doug runs over to the bar pushing his way to the bartender and orders a double scotch while Harry has a double milk.

12:08 AM

Doug, "I’m outta money."

"You can put up the deed to your sandwich shop."

"Ok."

Doug, "I have two pair of Jacks."

Ed grins through his chins, "I win again. I have a Royal Flush."

He scoops up his winnings and stuffs them in his pocket.

Doug stands up and bounces the table, "Hey! How could you have a Jack of Hearts and I have a Jack of Hearts?"

Ed leans over too close to Doug, "Are you accusing me of cheating?"

"Yes."

Doug sweats as he scans all the guns that surround him. "Hmmm. You cheated fair and square."

Ed, "That’s better. Now get out of here before you leave in a pine box! 64! Throw the dishonest, crooked loser out the door."

"Ok, boss."

Ed, "Put me down! I meant those new guys in town!"

Scene VIII

Outside the saloon. Ed’s friends are rocking ever so carefully as they listen…

"Ouch! My hair," cries Doug.

Moe, "Now look at what you did! You lost our business."

"But Moe. He cheated again."

Harry kicks a can then fights with a bag lady for recycling rights.

"Now we are vagrants, again," says Harry as he puts a half nelson on the bag lady and successfully wins the right to recycle the beer can.

Larry, "If they arrest us, we’ll get free food and cable TV."

"And prison butt." laments Doug.

Scene IX

Inside the First National Sandwich Bank

ML&D force themselves to go into their ex business

Order taker adjusts his cowboy hat, "Haba naba we raba you. What’ll you have, losers?"

Moe hands him a coupon, "I’ll take the free sandwich."

"Free?" OT shoves it back, "It says ‘Buy one, get one free’"

Harry, "Don’t say nothing. You gotta look at it."

Moe, "The guy in front of me bought one so I’ll take the free one."

"Big! Bigger! Biggest!"

Three ex-gorillas throw ML&D out of FNSB into a wooden horse trough in front of the building.

As they are wallowing in the green water…

Doug, "So it is not a total loss, I’m taking a bath."

Harry scrubs his arms, "Here’s the soap."

"Very tasty though it could use some balsamic vinegar.

Doug instinctively ducks down, "Moe. Here comes the sheriff and his posse."

ML&D listen in…

Sheriff Omar reads the riot act, "Ed Kroco, you are under arrest for running a money laundering sandwich shop. For aiding and abetting the Cheyenne Indians we sentence you to 100 years in heaven."

"Heaven?" Ed is astounded, "How am I gonna get to heaven?"

Sheriff holds up his one-way ticket and smiles.

"I’m allergic to ropes." Ed, "I’m innocent! This is not my business. It is theirs!" He cries as he points to ML&D splashing about in their swimmin’ hole.

"It is your business, not theirs."

"They misappropriated the money."

Omar almost bursts out laughing, "Those idiots couldn’t misapproriate their way out of a paper bag – with holes in it."

The posse hauls Buddha out in his new bracelets.

"No. NO. Let me go! They tricked me."

Omar smirks while he twirls Ed’s ticket, "That’s like me trying to trick Houdini."

Epilogue

Penny passes the nearly empty turkey dish around the table, "Thank you boys for getting back my flower business."

"Twas nothing."

Penny pats herself on the back, "I’m attending PA – pokers anonymous. I need a nice, quiet life."

Larry bows slightly as he hands Penny a gift, "We picked some fresh flowers for you, Auntie, out of our garden."

"They smell a little flat."

Penny accepts them graciously, "Thank you…wait a minute! This is poison ivy! Aaaiiieee! And bees! Oww! Ooo! Ouch!"

Moe, Harry, and Doug were never invited to Penny’s house again.

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