229 - The Tale of the Tell-Tale Tail

Moe, Larry, and Doug take a ride on the Reading Railroad.

Scene I

The Philadelphia apartment of Moe, Larry, and Doug overlooking the Nile River. On the catwalk is an "E" encyclopedia opened to "Egypt, Ancient" with most of the numbers colored in. The endless summer...

Doug smashes through the front door holding a stack of today's mail in one hand and waving a magazine in the other. He can barely contain his excitement. "Let's go for a train ride!"

Doug is so excited he does not wait for an answer; he starts slobbering as he reads an excerpt from Trains, "Listen to this: Preserved within the borders of our national parks are untamed areas of breathtaking natural beauty and protected treasures of our majestic continent. This unique eight-day journey takes you to the Grand Canyon, Zion, Bryce Canyon, Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks."

Moe likes it. "Oooo. That sounds fun. Where are we gonna get the money to pay for this? Our bank is broke."

Larry points to himself. "Leave it to me."

Scene II

Early misty morning at the North Broad Street Station, downtown Philly.

"Hey! Quit pushing, you overstuffed potato."

"Shove it, warthog."

Typical conversation as the Reading train is boarded.

"Get your shoeshine!" echoes different voices of the competitive business.

"Newspapers! Yesterday's news at half the price!" bellows a haggard newslady.

"Newspapers! Today's news at today's price!" screams a newsboy.

"Newspapers! Tomorrow's news at twice the price!" yells out a psychic as she shuffles her tarot cards.

Doug looks around the expanse of the renovated train station, "This is a nice place - like walking through time."

"Stop daydreaming." Moe coaxes Doug and Larry toward the 'To Trains' door, "C'mon. Time to board."

An arm blocks the way.

"You can't board without a ticket." yells Conductor Hamm shaking his night stick at the freeloaders.

Larry, "We lost them." "My Grandmother, she..."

"Well, go find them. Now get lost before I turn your heads into crash dummies for my night stick!"

"Reconnoiter!" Moe, Larry, and Doug run behind the ticket office.

Scene III

Free pass...

Moe snags a shoeshine boy, "Wanna get on the train for free?"

"YEAH!"

"Look! A spot on the door."

"Where?"

"Here!" "ohhhhhhhhh."

Moe rejoices, "I got mine!"

Doug, "Hey! Shoeshiner. Over here!"

The shoeshiner dressed from Cicero runs over as if he won the lottery but whoops...whoa!..AAAHHHHH

Doug, "Oils well that ends well. I got mine!"

He looks down the three flight of stairs that Cicero man tumbled down.

Larry, "Hey beanpole. Want your picture taken for tonight's news?"

The gullible shoeshiner jumps up and preps himself.

"Move back. That's it."

"Aaaaiieeee!"

"Perfect!"

Larry looks over the edge of the closest retaining wall. "Hmmm. That doesn't look thirty feet."

Three poorly dressed shoe shiners emerge from behind the office, stepping over size 7 upright feet protruding from back of the office.

"Get your shoeshine! Fifty cents a foot or three for a dollar. Conductors get half off!"

"Half off?" Hamm motions for a shine. "Over here. I'm a conductor."

"Are you sure?"

"See my badge? C-O-N-D-U-C-T-O-R."

Moe, "Boys, see if he's a conductor."

"Ooooo!"

Doug packs up his electrical cord. "Yep. He's a conductor - the 1000 volt type."

Doug strokes his plastic handlebar mustache and aligns his undersize black derby as he crouches down to polish Hamm's shoes with a smile.

Moe adjusts his glasses as he remarks, "Is that the top of the building up there?"

Larry rubs his chin, "I don't know. I'm new in town."

Hamm checks to see what they are talking about.

Moe eases toward the train door but...

"You still can't board without a ticket!"

"You're shoe's untied."

"Humf." Hamm shakes his head in suspicion as he does the quarter second glance-down, "Well, I'll be. It is."

He crouches down to tie his shoe and...

"Uggg. Hey! I'm stuck! My hands won't come off my shoes."

Hamm contortions himself, "Ooo. My ear itches. I can scratch it with my other foot."

Hamm tries a yoga exercise but, "Noooooo! My foot won't come off my ear. It's stuck, too."

Doug laughs as Moe kicks Hamm in the ham and starts singing, "Superglue shoeshine. One foot for a nickel. Two foots for a diiiiime."

Moe, the only one not holding suitcases, leads the way on board. A few minutes after boarding, the train sounds its Nathan P5 air horns scaring a flock of pigeons off the roof of the Amour yellow engine. A very subtle jerk begins the journey to Harrisburg as the FP7A engine is in notch 8 struggling with fourteen passenger cars and a combine away from the sunrise.

After about fifteen minutes into the excursion...

A surly part-time substitute conductor with a nametag 'Jooe', accosts the Stooges in the aisle of the Streamliner car, "Where's your ticket, you porcupine?"

Larry points behind the conductor, "He has it."

When Jooe turns to collect the tickets from "him", Moe kicks him in the pants then the boys push him back into a pile of boxes and take off down toward the baggage car.

A panting Larry crouches behind a large crate stenciled 'crate' and watches Moe and Doug run into each other a few times trying to hide.

"Now what?"

"Here comes the conductor. Quiet titmice!"

The conductor enters the baggage car, mad as hell, brickbat in hand. He searches everywhere for the three freeloaders but cannot find them. An innocent suitcase suffers his wrath as he leaves without his quarry.

After several minutes Doug interrupts the silence, "He's gone."

"Posing as mannequins was a good idea."

"I didn't know you were posing."

ZZZZZZZZ

"Ouch! Why did you tear my hair out?" complains Larry.

Moe shakes the divot at Larry, "You're snoring like a baboon."

"How can I snore when I'm awake?"

"I think it's that mannequin." Doug points to a statue. "Hey, mannequin."

"What?"

Doug jumps back and points his trembling hand, "EEEEeee! A talking mannequin!"

"Mannequins can't talk!" explains Moe.

"But I did."

Moe backs off, too, "Larry! Th th that mannequin IS alive!"

Larry can't believe it. "Talking mannequins? Ahh. No such thing. Watch."

Larry goes over to the nearest mannequin, "Look. I pried opened its mouth and..."

"Owwwch! It bit me! It IS alive."

Mannequin, "No I'm not. I'm posing as one."

Moe creeps nearer to the biter and touches him as if he were 200 degrees, "Why are you posing as a mannequin?"

"I had to sneak on this train because I don't have a ticket and I have to hide from the conductor. He's a grouch!"

"Who are you?"

"I don't know. I have amnesia."

"Really? I have Mickey Mantle, 1964 Topps baseball card. It is..."

"Quiet, shoe brush!" Moe reminds Larry..

"You look like a train engineer...hey, who's running the train?"

Doug, "It probably has auto steering."

"Engineers don't need tickets."

"Con the conductor thinks so. He even buys himself a ticket! His brother Jooe is just as bad."

Doug rubs his rotund receptacle, "All this posing makes me hungry. Let's eat."

Doug and Larry dance and sing their way to the dining car, "We're off to eat some gizzards! The wonderful gizzards of Boz."

Moe bonks their heads together, "Who's Boz?"

"I'll give you the lowdown," says Larry, "Boz Scaggs. He's retired from music and is now the chef de chef on this train."

Scene IV

In the restored wooden dining car with green clerestory windows from the Roaring Twenties era at a white cloth table setting with sparkling wine glasses and glistening silverware.

A proper waiter named Bob shows up to take their order.

"Whaddya have? Beans out of the can for the bums?"

Larry slams the table with his fist which bounces most of the silver, barks out his order, "Gimme a roasted chicken."

Doug, "I thought you were a steak and potatoes man."

"I'm in a fowl mood."

Doug's nose print shows up on the window as he leaves his spy nest. "Those people at the station we passed up looked pretty mad."

"I think this train is out of control."

"What makes you say that?"

"It just blew past the beanery at 89 mph. No railroader ever bypasses the beanery. Ever!"

"How are we gonna tell? We can't ask the conductor - he'll arrest us!"

Moe, "Let's sneak up to the cab and see if the engineer is ok."

Tip-toe through the train cars...

Moe spies a shadow in between the train cars, "Uh oh. There's brains. Vanish!"

Jooe enters the parlor car and stomps very slowly down the aisle, eyeing each passenger as if they were guilty.

"YEEEOOOWWWW!" The third overhead bin from the front flies open and Larry rolls out and falls on the floor.

He opens his eyes and sees a shiny pair of jet-black Red Wing shoes glistening in his face. As Larry's eyes climb up, they end at the conductor's frowning, red face and folded arms.

"Ooooouch!"

Larry gets up and takes off toward the head end, leaving the conductor tending to his whammed feet.

"Over here!"

Larry turns and sees Moe and Doug crouched down behind a suitcase in another car.

"Why are you dragging a pitchfork from your be-hind?"

"I rolled over in the overhead bin to get more comfortable but some farmer had to bring his sharpened pitchfork and hoe. Get rid of it!"

"Ugg" Moe and Doug give a mighty tug and remove the tines of the pitchfork from Larry.

Larry sniffs, "Now I have to sit down standing up and stand up to sit down."

"C'mon!" yells Moe.

They continue their journey to the front of the train.

Moe bangs on the cab door and yells over the din of the 567C engine, "Open up! We're detectives."

The fireman (ex-mannequin Phil) finally opens the door and lets them in. He immediately points to the floor.

"The hogger - he's dead!"

"What happened?"

"I was sitting here, staring at the pressure gauge wondering if the vibration of the needle was oscillating in a decaying sinusoidal pattern when Jim eked out a couple of ekes then flopped over and banged his head on the heater."
"Why didn't the train stop?"

"Weeeelll, we wedged a crescent wrench so the deadman's pedal would be deactivated. Standard practice. I didn't do it."

Jooe arrives at the scene and spots the freeloaders.

"Don't call the cops! We're detectives."

Larry nods in double time, "Yeah, yeah. Defectives."

Jooe shakes his Billy club at the defectives and lays down the law, "What are your credentials? You first, Martian."

Doug's antennas sparkle, "I read three Sherlock Holmes books and the 'Murders in the Rue Morgue'. I knew it was the orangutan all the time."

Jooe moves his eyes to Larry, "What about you, you test tube cleaner?"

"Um. Why, I am the state champion at the game of 'Clue'"

Moe quickly answers, "And I'm the supervisor of these two fine gumshoes."

Doug retorts, "I'm an electrical engineer on the side. They call me 'Sherlock Ohms'"

Jooe strokes his salt and pepper, unshaven chin, "This is against my better judgment," he admits, "but continue your investigation while I go back and check on the passengers."

"No wonder he can't catch us," Doug whispers to Moe, "Jooe has more chins than a chinese phonebook."

Phil sits in the driver's seat and takes control of the FP7A diesel, on emergency loan for a broken FP40H.

Moe drags Larry by the hair who drags Doug by the hair, "Lets gather up some suspects!"

Doug shivers and quivers, "Why are we between cars? It's cold here."

"Ouch!"

"What's da matta?"

Moe hops holding his wounded foot, "I tripped on that piece of metal sticking out of the floor."

"I'LL fix it." Larry yanks the metal out of the floor and hands it to Moe. "Here. This will never trip you up again."

"HAALLLLPPPP!"

Moe grabs the metal piece and whacks Larry on the head with it.

"Look what you did! You uncoupled those cars." Moe points to several cars fading away.

"I'm gonna get you guys!" yells Jooe from door of the first car, shaking his fist in revenge.

Doug, "Our luggage was in there. My good socks!"

"There. There's your two socks - in the eyes."

Doug reads his travel pamphlet then remarks, "Jooe better lock the car doors. There's wild life around here."

Walking back toward the back end Larry asks for a little private talk, "Hey Moe. Did you notice the engineer was, um, weird?"

"Waddaya mean?"

"He was wearing bright red lipstick."

"Let's go back and search the cab."

Scene V

Back in the noisy train cab

Moe sniffs the air, "I smell pepperoni."

Doug tilts his toque and dusts his baker's peel with cornmeal, "Wobble wobble. I'm cookin' a Chicago deep-dish pizza on the engine exhaust manifold. Should be about done."

Moe, "You slob! There is some pizza sauce on the accelerator handle...and the floor."

"But..." "It's done!"

As Doug and Larry wolf down the pizza, Moe cases the place.

"Hmmm. Here's something in the wastebasket." Using a pair of Lancome stainless steel tweezers, Moe holds up a cloth with red stain on it and smells it.

Larry, "Does it smell like a red stain?"

Doug peers into the wastebasket. "That's odd. Look at all those dead gnats."

Moe waves the dust in the air, "It's snowing." "What are you doing, porcupine?"

Larry ignores him. "I'm putting flour on the floor so we can lift fingerprints."

"Oww! You lifted my hair!"

Moe hands Larry his tuft, "Well, here's the evidence."

"We need to match the red stain and we've found our criminal."
Doug, "That doesn't make sense."
Moe, "It is the only clue we have."

"It still does not make sense."

Doug staggers around.

Larry, "You broke the peal. He sure has a hard head."

Moe, "With nothing in it."

Scene VI

First head-end car. The search for red stains starts...

Larry finds the first suspect, "Look! The passenger passed out in the party car had a reddish stain on his pants."

"I'll get 'em." Doug reads the side of a box he had in his pocket: 'Have fun with your friends' I will. He pours a handful of Fred's Grade A fresh fire ants on the passenger's pants - they scurry about for a bit then crawl down his shorts.

The drunk leaps out of his seat, "Oooo. I've got ants in my pants! Eee EEEE!" After taking off his pants, he runs around on the floor like a pinwheel then bounces up and down the isle like a porpoise. "Arp arp arp," he cries. One passenger tries to balance a beach ball on his nose but to no avail.

"I'll help!"

Larry runs up with a kettle of boiling water and pours it down his shorts.

"Ahhhhh." "Ooooo!" That solves the ant problem but doesn't solve the crime.

"Let's go! Get more suspects," Moe squeals. They leave Ants sizzling in his shorts to continue their roundup

Doug perks up after he opens the next train door, "Oh, the bar car. Even if we don't find anything here at least we can have a drink."

Goon pokes his head up from the bar, "Where's da money?" (see 'Los Wages')

"Right here."

Sound of head breaking on bar.

After scurrying to safety, Doug notes, "Notice the fireman was wearing 'The world is going to pizzas' t-shirt underneath his work shirt?"

Moe, "You're right. We need to match a pizza stain on his shirt. That would link him."

"How are we gonna get his shirt off of him?"

Moe huddles the group, "I know. Here's the plan..."

The squealing train tires scraping and sparking the rails wakes up everyone on board.

Sleepy passenger, "Who pulled the emergency cord?"
"Not I said the big bad wolf," replies Larry.

Doug jumps off the train between cars three and four and is back within five minutes.

"What's in the bag?"

"It's fer Phil."

"Back to the engine!"

Larry, "Wait, I see a suspect."

"Who?"

Larry whispers, "Moe, that lady has a red stain on her head. I think she's been shot!"

Moe, "That's an Indian lady. It means she's married."

"To what? A marksman?"

"We need to get the red dot."

"How?"

"Use pliers."

"Sneak into her room at night and remove it from the wastebasket."

Doug, "Excuse me, miss. What is your name?"

"Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Ramawamaconcamahooverdama Jones. Distant relative to Anna Jones. Everyone calls me Ramawamaconcamahooverdam for short"

"I hope she's never a waitress. The name tag would cost a week's pay."

After leaving the scene, Larry wonders, "Why did you ask her that?"

"So we can look on the manifest and find her room."

"Here, Phil. We have a new pet for you."

Phil opens the bag and strokes his new friend. "Nice kitty."

"Aaaeeeiiiieee! A skunk!"

Phil fumbles it for a few seconds then gets a dose of eau de pew on his neck and clothes.

"Yuck. I can't wear these clothes. I smell like a skunk." Phil changes into a yellow jumpsuit - the only thing aboard that would fit a six-foot seven man.

"We'll get rid of this stinky stuff." Doug bags up the clothes.

"More suspects!" The sojourn continues...

Doug perks up. "Oh good! The bar car again."

"Moe, that blonde guy with the brunette hair has a red-stained pillow next to him."

"Wake up, sleeping ugly!" Doug shakes the suspect until he can't sleep. "I'm with the FIB. Your pillow is being recalled. Here's a replacement of equivalent value."

"Uh. Ok." Blonde-brunette aims his head for the new cushy pillow but misses as he falls back into a stupor - too many Dougcrawlers (1 pony 151 rum in a can of partially drunk Squirt).

Larry kicks back and relaxes in a reclining seat, "Looks like a victory - we got the evidence. I'm done."

Moe points behind Larry, "He says you are not."

Larry looks for "him" and gets a jump start kick in the pants.

"Get going! More suspects!"

After inspecting a few passenger cars finally...

Doug points out the obvious, "Hey, that kid has a red tongue."

"WAAAAAHHHH!" Most of the passengers jump when Ed Senior Junior screams.
right in the head. "You bad man! Stealing gum from a four year-old." Grandma chases Larry down the isle continuously whacking him with an umbrella.

Larry runs away holding some more evidence and his head from the umbrella.

Doug takes the evidence for safe keeping. Looking around for witnesses and seeing none, "Oh, I can have one stick of gum."

"WOOWOO EEEEE. Water!" Doug runs back and forth with a thick cloud of steam engulfing his head until he finds a fire hose on the side of the car. He turns it on full volume and soaks his head in the stream of water.

"What happened?"

Doug raises his soaking wet head from a bucket, "The little brat had habanero gum."

"How many suspects do we have?"

"I don't know. Look at the next paragraph."

Scene VII

The trial. Everyone is in the bar car.

Con, "We have gathered you all here in this makeshift courtroom so we can determine who killed the engineer. Judy, a retired judge, has volunteered to oversee the trial."

Judge Judy pounds the opening gavel, "Order in the court!"

Ole Lem pipes up from the back of the room, "I want a submarine sandwich."

Judy licks her lips, "I'll have a pastrami on...wait a minute! Get on with the trial."

Bailiff Bill reads from his clipboard and points to the first contestant, "In this corner, the prosecutor, Doug 'The Rock' Smith."

Doug stands up and takes a bow.

"And in this corner, S. "The Rye" Steiniceberg, the defending attorney."

S. hides under the table.

One of the defendants leans over and asks S. "What kind of deal can you give me?"

S., "My usual: defense, appeal, and tombstone."

Judy, "S. What is your first name?"

"S."

"What does the 'S' stand for?"

"S."

Judy, "Get on with the trial!"

Prosecutor Doug paces back and forth in front of the bar (makeshift jury box) waving a handful of papers, "Our suspects are:

Indian Jones
Phil the fireman
The drunk
The blonde brunette
Four year old
Miller Genuine Draft

Con, "Miller Draft?"

"Oops. Sorry."

Doug pounds the bar and glares in the eyes - of a killer, "Where were you on the night of June twelfth?"

"I'm the judge, not the suspect!"

Doug points a little too close to the defendant, Phil, "What was he doing on the night of June twelfth?"

JJ admonishes Doug, "Ask the suspect, not me!"

Moe whispers in Doug's ear, "Hey. It's August seventh you moron."

Doug's retort, "Better than a less-on"

"Ouch. My ear."

"We'll have no ear-biting in this courtroom"

"Yessir"

After an hour of questioning, Doug is done admonishing the witness.

Judge points to the slightly smudged accent mirror behind the witness chair, "Oh Mr. prosecutor! YOU JUST CROSS EXAMINED YOURSELF."

Doug ignores Judy and announces to the court room, "We'll run a test to see who is guilty."

Judy stands up and pounds the gavel (an upside down Heineken coaster) , "Why are you putting ants on the evidence? What's the matter with you? Didn't your mother raise you right?"

After about ten seconds, Doug writes down the verdict, seals it, and hands it to Larry.

Larry stands up, straightens up his shirt and announces, "And the murderer is..."

Larry Karnac holds the envelope up to his forehead for a few seconds then tears it open, blows in the end, and pulls out the answer.

Everyone leans forward in their seats waiting...

And waiting...

Finally Moe stands up and "You get your hair back when you tell us the perpetrator."

Karnac unfolds the paper, "It's blank."

Judy, "Read the other side."

"Colonel Mustard."

Judy yells out, "Colonel Mustard? What kind of a game do you think you're playing?"

"I object! You can't prove it! Nayy nayy," yells Mr. Steiniceberg.

Doug slams his clipboard down on the bar, "I can prove it." He runs over to the blond brunette and yanks back his ponytail, exposing a red ear.

"Look! A red ear."

"I'm sunburn."

Doug rubs his finger on the red ear gathering up ear goop, "Lick this!"

"No, you gross out!"

Doug shoves it closer, "Lick it!"

"NO!"

Judy pounds the gavel. "OWWW!"

"Why did you have your hand on the gavel block, Mr. drunk?"

"It was facing SSE. The mouth of the Chi not eating right. Not feng shui."

Judge Judy mallets the drunk on the noggin.

"Oww!" cries the drunk rubbing his bumpy head, "That not feng shui, either"

Judy leans forward, "Mr. Doug, you are acting odd."

"He refuses to lick it because...it would kill him!"

Everyone leans forward, "Whaaaat?"

Doug continues, "Using his ear, he painted underneath the accelerator handle with pizza sauce and strychnine when Jim was busy doing the mandatory air brake test. He figured ole Jim would lick his hand when he smelled pizza rather than wipe it off. Unfortunately, he was right."

Larry points to the perpetrator, "The guy with the French's mustard yellow hair. Grab him!"

Colonel Mustard horsecollars Moe around the neck, "Ok. Back off!"

"Yeeooowww! He bit me!"

After a brief scuffle, several of the passengers have Colonel Mustard in custody.

The passengers, led by the Mighty Quinn, toss the perpetrator in jail (an overhead luggage bin) and lock him away.

Colonel Mustard's friend, Mr. Pickles, who does not relish the thought of his friend going to jail pleads with the luggage bin, "You're the most nicest, decentest man I know. Why did you do it?"

A muffled answer, "Why? All my life I wanted to be an engineer. While I was taking the written test, Jim turned and sneezed at me. A crib sheet I had hidden blew into the aisle where the instructor found it. Needless to say, I flunked and was banished from being a railroader."

Epilogue

Moe, Larry, Doug, Judy, and several passengers are in the bar car having a round of well-deserved drinks.

Judge Judy, sipping on her third Dougcrawler (with extra cherries), is delighted at the outcome, "How did you know it was Molonel Custard?"

"See the ants? They are crawling around all the evidence except for the red-stained pillow. They are all dead. Jim had a red-stained napkin in his wastebasket. Ants also died when sprinkled on the stain. I figured there was poison in the stain."

After straightening his stiff white lab coat and adjusting his stethoscope, Larry walks over from a tiny stove near the bar scribbling a few things in a scientific journal, "Under strict adult supervision, I put some ants in boiling water and in a few seconds they croaked."

Moe, "You did?" He picks up a teakettle and pours it on Larry's foot.

"Oooooo!"

"That vindicates Jim. He wasn't weird; that was pizza sauce on his lips.

Moe turns to Doug, "By the way, where did you get that yellow jumpsuit?"

"From Sheriff Sharif - I found him in the observation car. He's on his way to arrest a basketball player."

Con, who's been drinking Seawater (see 'Married with Stooges'), answers a phone.

"Hello? Hello? Hmf. No answer." Con slams the phone down.

Doug, "Try answering your cell phone instead of a beer bottle."

"Oh." Con flips his cell phone open, "Hello?"

He holds his phone at arm's length.

"GET THIS BEAR OFF OF ME! YOU STUPID BEAR, I'M NOT YOUR CUB! Stop trying to put fish in my mouf. Jkl;kjasl;kdfjk"

Con smiles, "Goodbye, Jooe."

Thanks to the Stooges, ridin' the rails is a bit safer...

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