225 - Stooged to the Bone
Moe, Larry, Doug, and Curly come into being.
Scene I
The gestate state
Henry and Muriel Heizenfitzhauer are relaxing in their living room watching 'Wheel of Fortune'. It is an exciting time - Muriel's expecting!
After finishing the editorials, Henry grumbles as he crumples up the paper and throws it in the fireplace. He remarks on his wife's condition, "Muriel. You are one fat mother."
Knitting was never a pasttime for her, but it diverts her nervous energy - booties must be made! Muriel pats her overstuffed stomach. "I'm worried I'm going to give birth to a sumo wrestler."
"I'm gonna take you in to a pediatrician tomorrow."
Muriel sloughs off the idea, "I don't need my bicycle fixed."
"No, you moron. A pediatrician is a baby doctor. He'll let us know how are new child is doing."
"Ok. First thing after breakfast. Maybe the doc can tell me why I eat three extra servings of everything then twist my own nose."
Next morning...
"Henry! I can't get in the car. The door is too small."
"Hmmmm. Come back here and look at this!"
Muriel waddles to the trunk and looks in.
"Eeeee! Let me out of the trunk."
"Stay there, Muriel. I'll get down to the doctors as fast as possible."
Al the pediatrician is tapping his foot while flipping through Muriel's chart.
"I want to have a scan but don't tell me whether it is a boy or a girl."
Al holds his finger up to his mouth, "Mums the word."
"You can hear your baby with a new babeosonargram - just in from Pediamart."
Mrs. H bounces up and down with joy, clapping her hands. "Oh goody." Henry runs over to hold her down. "Remember the call we got last week from the geologists - you screwed up their machinery when you bounced up and down in sync with 'Lets Make a Deal'."
Al stands up like a gunnery seargent ready to fire another round of mortar shells. "Ok, nurse. Start up the babeosonargram."
Nurse Summerlin, the muscular nurse, gives the starter crank a few turns...a few sputters then the machine comes to life. After connecting up the sensors in key places on her stomach, the nurse gives Mrs. H a headset; she listens carefully:
"I thought I just heard an eyepoke!"
Mrs. H listens more intently by pressing the headset to her ears.
"I just heard someone get slapped in the face."
"I just heard someone's nose get twisted like a ratchet."
"I heard a little lamb."
The nurse, Mr. H, and Al look at each other; Al steps in: "Ok Mrs. H. We are done for the day. I'm going to reduce your medication dose."
"But Henry! I did."
"Give her one of these pills then skip an hour then give her another."
"Ok, doc."
"Here Muriel. Take one of these pills then wait an hour."
To idle the time away, Henry counts the shingles on the roof of the house across the street - first by row then by column. Henry looks at his sundial ("If it was good enough for the Romans, it is good enough for me!") then shakes Muriel in a loving manner. "Times up, dear. Wake up and take another pill."
"Doc? Muriel is lethargic. Are these sleeping pills you gave her?"
"Did you skip an hour?"
"Yes, she fell asleep watching Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck in between ingestion."
"You stupid idiot! She is suppose to skip an hour; like trotting. The exercise gets her blood rushing."
"She's so fat, I'm afraid she'll set off a seismograph if she skips around the block."
"Well don't skip skipping. She can waddle if she wants, but she needs her exercise."
"Ok, we'll do one lap around the block."
"But Henry, I can barely stand up. I think I have a tapeworm."
"Start eating burnt toast and a rotten egg. The doc ordered exercise. Whoaaa. The sidewalk cracked."
"C'mon Muriel. Let's get..."
Muriel does her best to keep up with Henry.
"You set off another car alarm."
"Wake up Henry. I need to go to the hospital."
Scene II
The hospital
"Stop pacing!"
"My wife has been in there for several hours...just to have a kid!"
The 'Babies Delivered Here' double doors fling open and out walks Doctor Proctor donned in his green scrubs holding a clipboard full of slightly stained papers.
Mr. H runs up to him and grabs his arm wanting to know the verdict, "Doctor! How is my kid?"
"Fine. You will need four pairs of booties, though. Your..."
"Oh no." Mr. H. walks around in circles very quickly and babbles, "My kid has eight legs. He's a freak. A spider. I knew I shouldn't have been taking gingko and ginseng." Henry hangs his head in shame.
Doc pats Mr. H on the shoulder. "No. no. Nothing like that. You are the proud father of four sons."
Mr. H faints at the news.
After a slow recovery from fainting...
"Can I see them?"
"Sure you can. Mom is doing fine."
Nurse Sunrise leads the distraught father down the hall and into room 105.
"Hi Muriel. You sure have a crowd on your hands."
"They sure are active. The one with the bowlcut haircut is the dominant one. When one of the others cries, he rolls over and pulls their hair or eye pokes them or twists their ear like a ratchet."
Doc pulls Henry aside.
"I don't know how to put this, but they are not the brightest bulbs in the box, if you know what I mean, though the one with the ? haircut acts smart at times."
Henry assures him, "We'll raise them to be good boys."
Scene III
New borns at home
Muriel wondes out loud: "What do we name our babies?"
"One, Two, Three, Four."
"No, that is not very original."
"I was talking about their IQs"
"Henry! They may not the the best of the lot, but they are ours."
"Let's throw darts at the baby name sheet."
"Ok. I'll pin it up on the wall."
After adjusting his quadfocals and taking careful aim, Henry throws the first dart.
"Owwww! A cactus bit me." cries Mrs. H.
"Sorry dear. I'll pull the souvenir out of your butt. I'm having trouble with these glasses."
Henry tries again.
"Oooo. These stupid glasses." He throws them down in a fit of rage and stomps on them.
After close inspection, Henry announces the first name: "The first baby is 'Moe'. What a dumb name."
"The will of God picked it. Throw another dart."
"Curly, Larry, Doug, and Moe it is. Curly is the fat one, Larry is the one that looks like a steel wool, Doug looks like a Chippendale, and Moe is the one that looks like a Chinaman with his bowlcut haircut."
Scene IV
The newborns are getting their 12 o'clock feeding...
"Drink your milk out of the bottle."
Curly starts guzzling the milk like he is in a fraternity.
"I set up a quad bunk bed crib - Curly sleeps on top, then Doug, Larry in the middle, and Moe on the bottom. Let's put the little darlings to bed."
"More like terrors."
"You are so cute, little Moe. Koochie koo."
"I'm gonna kiss you good night, Moe."
"Oooo. Little Moe eye poked me! Where did he learn that?"
Looking up from her knitting of little booties, Mrs. Howard retorts, "From you. He sees you eye poke me. You know you shouldn't do that in front of the kids."
Mrs. H holds up her new son and kisses him good night, "Good night, little Larry."
"Gaa gaa"
Mr. Howard, "Serves you right. You're always pulling my hair out. Now look at me! I'm almost bald."
Mrs. H holds up her third son, "Good night, Curly."
Little Curly giggles.
"Oh, you're ticklish. Koochie koo."
"Uh oh. There is a dent in the floor. Boy, does he have a hard head."
Mrs. H bends over to pick up Little Curly but can't get a hold of him.
"Hold still, you little varmint. Henry! Curly keeps running around in circles on the floor like a pinwheel and rolling around like a beached whale. I can't catch him and put him to bed!"
"I'll get him." Henry ties a cookie to the end of a fishing line then tosses it toward Curly who scrambles over and takes the bait.
"Wooo. I hooked a big one!" Henry reels in his prize.
"Good night, Dougy."
"Owww! He gave me a nipper."
Scene V
The Terrible Twos.
Mr. H covers his ears and winces in pain, "What is that awful noise?"
"Our babies are snoring. Isn't that cute?"
Muriel is trying to get Curly to talk. "Can you say Dada?"
Curly, "Soitenly."
Muriel is somewhat confused.
Doug, "GQ."
"That is your first word?"
Doug, "oink oink."
Moe, "lkjsdklfj"
Muriel leans closer, "What was that, baby Moe?"
"Owwww! He bit my ear!"
Muriel stands with her hands on her hip staring at Larry, "What on earth could your first words be?"
"lkajsdflkj"
"Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall for that!"
Muriel gets curiously impatient. "Oooo. I can't stand it."
She leans over near Larry, donning a pair of earmuffs.
"Here, mommy. Go stuff a mattwess."
Scene VI
Henry and Muriel go out shopping for their boys.
"Here we are...'Toys for Boys' open from 7AM to 7PM PST."
Henry is struggling to strap the four terrors into the shopping cart. "Hold still you...Owwww! He pinched me with a pliers."
"Don't call the brats brats."
Mrs. H. tosses several small items into the basket. "Here, little Moe. Hold this plastic hammer."
"Dank you, mommy."
Moe grabs the hammer and immediately whacks Larry on the head with it.
"Waaaahhhh!"
Moe puts the hammer claw up Curly's nose and pulls his head close enough for a bonk with his fist. Mrs. H snatches the hammer away from Moe.
"Moe, be nice to your brothers."
"Ok, Mommy. Oh, look, there is Barney!"
Mommy turns to look; big mistake. While Mommy is busy searching for Barney, Moe rips out a chunk of Larry's hair and punches Curly in the stomach. Muriel turns around when she hears noises but she finds Moe with a smile and a halo over his head. Larry is rubbing his head and Curly is crouched over, recovering from a punch.
"What type of toys do you get two year olds?"
"How about Mickey Mouse? Isle 11." suggests the store attendant.
Mr. and Mrs. H wander over to the Disney isle finding all sorts of toys.
"Here is a talking Mickey Mouse, Moe."
Talking Mickey mechanically greets his new owner, "Hi. My name is Mickey. What is yours?"
Baby Moe, "Dis!" He eye pokes Mickey then throws him across the store and cracks his head on the wall.
"Dougy, put that calculator down!"
"Mommy, what is the third root of seven?"
Henry and Muriel look at each other in amazement. "Is he talking about trees or trig?"
"Let's take the boys out to dinner at Fred E. Freeze ice cream and pizza."
"Do you want to go for ice cream, Moey?"
A waitress named 'Sue' is standing at the cash register, ringing up an order, when all of a sudden she lets out a cry that wakes everyone in the restaurant, "OWWWWWWW!"
Little Moe snuck up on her and poured steaming hot coffee down her shoes.
"ooo I can't get these shoes off!"
"Doug, what kind of knot did you tie her shoes up with?"
"A double-brested tri square knot with a half hitch."
Henry sums up the day, "Well, that is the fourteenth restaurant we've been thrown out of. Where did you get your manners? I've tried to raise you like gentlemen, but you are turning out like sloths."
Scene VII
Terrible Teens
"Leave my Cheerios alone, you onionhead!" Moe pushes Curly's face in the cereal bowl.
Moe lifts Larry by the hair. "What are you doing, porcupine?"
"I'm sending off for this do-it-yourself lemonade stand. I'm gonna make me a ton of money."
"By selling lemonade?"
"No. By selling lemonade stands."
Mr. Howard, "Hey, now I know who you guys remind me of!"
In unison, "Who's that?"
"The Three Stooges."
"What? Don't insult us Dad! There are four of us."
"You need your pants pressed for work, Dad." Larry starts the pressing process with his Sunbeam Extra Hot Supersport model.
"Ya see that?"
Mr. H looks closely at Curly's fist. "Yes."
"Here, Dad. Have my soldering iron."
"I think you guys have an S chromosome."
"I've never heard of that!"
"The Stooge chromosome."
"Every one of you is an error. My sons, the four flaws."
Scene VIII
Out into the real world
The Flaws have their car all packed up with their worldly possessions.
"We're off to somewhar to make our fortune. Goodbye Mom, Dad."
"Goodbye sons. I have some advice for you."
All four line up in front of Dad; expecting a going away lump of money.
"What's that?"
"This!"
"Remember: don't trust anyone because they won't trust you."
Curly bends slightly to kiss his Mom goodbye. "So long, Ma."
Mom conks Curly on the head with the Sears Better Craftsman tire iron (made in Kentucky out of recycled washing machines).
Mom wipes her tears away. "What will you boys do for a living?"
"We have our whole life ahead of us. I'm sure we'll find something. We'll just be average citizens."
"Remember your paper route? That lasted one day."
"We delivered the papers."
"Yeah, to the paperboy down the street."
"Why not? He can deliver them as good as us."
"How about that job at BurgerAvenue?"
"They said to make hamburgers as fast as possible. And we did."
"You got fired for taking a shortcut - giving people frozen hamburgers with catsup and mustard packets on them."
Doug, "I worked for a web site as a webmeister."
"Oh yeah. You did great. They had a great bevy of products...but no place to order them."
"I put the phone number on later."
"Yeah. I remember the wording: 'Call collect 1-800-180-01800. Then collect the call on your card when the call comes calling to collect your card.'"
"You boys have strange but well-meaning work ethics."
"I wanna drive!" yells Larry, trying to grab the steering wheel.
"No, I'm the boss. I'm driving."
Curly, "Well, I'm seated in the driver's seat, so I'm driving."
Moe crawls underneath the dash and bites Curly in the foot. "Oooo!"
Doug rewires the radio so he can hear three baseball games at the same time...and something else.
Moe, "I can't move my feet."
"Me neither!"
"Me threether!"
"You morons! I tied all your shoes together." Doug starts a domino effect by bonking Larry in the head.
This goes on for half an hour.
Henry and Muriel watch the show from the garage.
"I've never seen boys get along like they do."
Scene IX
After all these years...
"The boys are thrown to the wolves. I hope they survive out there."
"They have a high school education."
I'm talking about the wolves.
"But they graduated in their late twenties."
Henry and Muriel are in their living room reminiscing through a scrapbook on the dinner table when Henry comes to a great realization...
"Muriel! When you put the boys to bed when they were young, what channel did you put the TV on?"
"They went to bed at 8 PM. I turned on American Movie Classics so they would fall asleep."
"That explains it! The Three Stooges came on for three hours at 8:30. THAT is where they got their habits."
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© 2001 Doug DePrenger