226 - Sweet and Sauer
The Stooges suffer the wrath of Mayor Sauer.
Scene I
The Stooges are living on Grandma’s farm, enjoying rural life on an idyllic 160 acre farm with a few pigs and a cow to supplement the crops. A restored turn of the century traditional red barn and a weathered white corn crib lie on the outskirts of a small Illinois town. Several chickens provide breakfast and an occasional dinner.
While looking out the picture window at the azure sky, Larry leans back on his La-Z-Stooge chair and reflects, "What a life! The smells of spring - fresh pig air, chrysanthemums, and roses. No one around to bother us."
Curly gets more comfortable on the couch, "You said it."
Rocking chair Granny, "You boys have been so helpful ever since Grandpa died. I don’t know what I would have done."
"Oh, the roast!" Grandma scurries to the early 1900s decorated kitchen to baste the pork butt and flip the pan-fried cornmeal biscuits.
Ever serious, Moe stretches before work, "C’mon. We need to harvest the beans before it rains. They are over four bucks a bushel."
Larry tucks himself in, "What’s the hurry? I’ll take another siesta until they get up to four and a half."
"I’ll give you five," promises Moe.
"I’ll take it!"
Larry, "Ouch! You punched my eye."
"Owww!"
"Your alarm just went off – now get harvesting!" Moe tosses Larry’s bird’s nest on the floor as he drags him outside by the hair.
"Hey, onionhead, bring the pitchfork."
Curly, "You can count on me."
"That is what I’m afraid of."
Scene II
Inside the farm’s Massey-Ferguson combine cab
Curly, "Are you sure you know what you’re doing?"
"You should do what you’re knowing," tells Larry.
Moe, "Quiet! I’m trying to read the owner’s manual."
"To start said combine turn accessory A right while simultaneously pushing starter switch B and holding the clutch C."
"Owww! What does my nose look like? A starter switch? Why don’t you watch what you’re doing?"
Curly, "Why don’t you do what you’re watching!"
The combine stops as a visitor approaches.
"Hey you up there!"
Moe shifts the combine in idle, "Why if it isn’t the overstuffed mayor Sauer. How goes it?"
The mayor strokes his chins as he thumbs through his briefcase.
"I said, ‘how goes it’?"
A piece of paper silently makes its way up to the cab.
"What’s this?" asks Larry, trying to decipher all the multisyllable words.
"A subpoena. For all three of you idiots."
Curly, "Subpoena? I didn’t order a sandwich."
Sauer, "That is an order to appear in court tomorrow. We’re taking over this farm."
"WHAAAT?"
The mayor elucidates, "My boys and I are putting up a shopping center. Right here."
"WHAAAT?"
"You have thirty days to vacate."
"WHAAAT?"
"The dozers are comin’ in then. Goodbye."
Mayor Sauer makes a hasty exit before the Stooges realize what happened.
Scene III
Moe, Larry, and Curly return from the field prematurely, entering through the back door of the all wood house.
Turning around from rolling out a pie crust, Grandma’s smile turns upside down.
Moe sheepishly puts today’s news on the kitchen table, "Mayor Sauer wants to plow under the farm and put up a shopping center."
Scene IV
Judge William "Bill" MeLater’s Court room, downtown on the circular Square.
Judge, "Do you have anything to say in defense?"
Standing up dressed in his Sunday best, Larry tugs at his red suspenders before answering, "Well Judge. It’s like this. My Grandma has had this farm for years and…"
"Thanks, Bill. Don’t be late for dinner at the Lariat club," replies the Mayor.
How are we going to get our farm back?
Farm auction
Scene V
Reading of Grandma’s will
"And to Mayor Sauer, I leave thirty acres of land near the old city well."
Moe, "What? Why is she leaving that thief her land?"
Curly, "I thought she was losing it."
Scene VI
Sauer greets the boys in the anteroom, "Well boys. Looks like your Granny knew best."
Larry hangs his head.
"I’m going to develop those thirty acres into a used car lot for my friend Buffalo Bill."
"That fat guy?"
Scene VII
Grand opening of Bill’s Used Cars. Banners, balloons, and bunting are everywhere. The smell of complimentary hamburgers and onions permeates the air.
"Are you Mayor Sauer?"
Sauer suspiciously answers. "Yes. Who are you?"
"I’m Mary Pason, city attorney. Here’s a subpoena to appear in court."
"For what?"
"Land contamination. Your used car lot is built on old, polluted ground.
"WHAAAT? That is not my land! It is their Grandma’s!" yells Sauer bouncing up and down furiously pointing to the Stooges.
"Look jack-in-the-box," Mary flashes an official looking paper in front of everyone. "The deed indicates it is yours."
"But…but…"
"No need to explain. You’ll have plenty of time to do that – like thirty years."
Sauer throws his Wilkes Seeds hat on the ground, "You’re robbing me of my life!"
Mary, "Like you do when you abscond with people’s farms and plow them under. Have a nice time in your new digs. I hear Judge Meany is an ex-farmer."
Sauer instinctively grabs his behind, "I don’t want prison butt! Waaaaahhh!"
Moe slightly smiles, "Maybe the justice system isn’t so bad."
Carefully "reading" the deed, Larry makes an important discovery penciled in at the bottom:
"This land is your land
No longer my land
From N Peoria to the old Rock Island
From the polluted forest to the slime green waters
This land was made for you by me"
Grandma Fine
Epilogue
On Grandma’s farm…
Larry, "Grandma was sure one smart Grandma."
With eyes directed at Larry, Curly laughs, "Too bad it didn’t run in the family."
Larry, "Are calling me a, um, er, "
Moe, "Yes, an imbecile."
© Jan 2005 Doug DePrenger