230 - The Wonderful Wizard of Od
Moe, Larry, and Shemp help Dorothy find her way home in the land of Od.
Scene I
Somewhere over the rainbow
Dorothy can't make it to the storm cellar fast enough.
"Hurry, Dorothy! The tornado approacheth," yells her Shakespearean Mom who is struggling to hold the storm door open. The wind is blowing her brown hair sideways. Dorothy runs from the house through the terrible rain toward shelter but does not make much headway against the strong gusts.
"Oh no." Dorothy slaps her head in disgust. "Toto is in the house." She turns around and struggles back in the house to get her best friend.
Too late.
The tornado hurls house, with D and T in it, up in the air and over the rainbow.
Scene II
Start here...
Dorothy wakes up in her bed with Toto in her arms. She is sure she is in her house but something is not right. After straightening the bed, brushing her hair, and putting a little eyeliner on, she walks out on the front porch and looks around at new surroundings.
"Where am I?" she wonders aloud.
"The land of Od," comes a high-pitched diminutive voice from a nearby cabbage patch.
A munchkin staggers out from under a heap of large leaves rubbing the top of his bumpy head.
"Who are you?" asks Dorothy.
The saddened figure laments, "A loud-mouth munchkin."
A poof of smoke appears and out steps a young teenage princess donning a glittery outfit covered with question marks. "Hi y'all."
"Are you the Riddler?" asks Dorothy.
"Noooo. I'm Wanda, the cute witch of the south by southwest"
"You are pretty young to be a witch."
"Not all witches are old or bad or have warts on the end of their nose. Besides, how many bad witches dress up in Guess? Fairy Godmother dresses?"
"None, I guess."
"You have a magical Guccini watch on your wrist. The colored bands bring power to the wearer."
The cute witch continues, "Since you killed the wicked witch of the north, I am here to help. You need to visit the Wizard of Od. He will help you find your way home."
"How do I find him?"
Wanda points her magic wand down - sparkles come out of the end of it and dissipate on the ground, "Follow the yellow brick road."
A nearly bald, overweight munchkin waddles out of the cabbage patch, grabs her leg and points to the path, "Follow the yellow brick road."
Another one, with a bowl-cut haircut and a sour look on his face, runs up and eye pokes the fat one
D: "Who are you?"
"I'm Moe the munchkin. We live in the cabbage patch, among the pumpkins. I'm the sheriff of this town."
Another one emerges, this one with frizzy hair. He dashes up, latches on to Dorothy's other leg, points to the path and squeaks, "Follow the yellow brick road."
"Ooooooww."
"I'm off to see the wizard. Don't wait up."
Wanda, the teenage wonderwitch, offers some sage advice as she disappears into the fog, "Beware of the wicked witch of the west. She wants your watch. Bye, y'all."
As the bluish powderpuff smoke fades into the wind, Dorothy starts her long, strange trip down the yellow-brick road.
Scene III
Meeting the scarecrow
After a long, scenic walk with forest on each side of the road...
"Hmmmm." Dorothy has come to a fork in the road, "I wonder which way I go?"
"What is that noise? It sounds like someone sleeping."
"Hi little girl!"
D looks around for the voice.
"Up here. I'm Shemp the scarecrow. I was taking my afternoon nap when a ruthless crow pecked me. Those varmints won't leave me alone."
D looks up at her advisor: "How did you end up a scarecrow?"
S: "My boss tried those fake scarecrows, you know, the ones stuffed with straw and a floppy hat. They didn't work. He tells me, 'Shemp. You're the ugliest one of the lot. You'll be my new scarecrow.' It is easy work - just hang around all day and take in the sunshine."
D: "Did it work?"
S: "Yes. I scared most of the crows away but now these big gruesome birds come here; like that one over there." Shemp's nod of the head points to an example clenched on a fencepost.
D identifies the big bird. "That is a vulture."
S: "Could you help me down? Hanging around is tough work."
D: "Sure." She grabs an ax lying on the ground then chops down the scarecrow holder. Shemp comes tumbling to the ground.
Shemp stands up and brushes himself off. "Thanks."
"What crops are you trying to protect?"
"The ones about two miles down that road." Shemp points to a rock road, which winds its way around cornfields.
A perplexed Dorothy asks: "What? Why aren't you in that field?"
S: "Because the view is better here."
D shakes her head in disbelief. "Come with me. I'm off to see the Wizard of Od. He's going to get me back home. He also can help you get a brain, though I don't think your head will be big enough for the size you need."
Scarecrow brushes off his shirt, straightens his floppy hat, pushes the leaking straw into his shirt, and ties his shoes.
"Which road do we take?"
Scarecrow starts in on a diatribe, "If you take the left road it might be the right road which leaves the right road the one that is left unless the right road is the right road then the one left is the left one, right?"
"You can use some English lessons, too." D ignores the gibberish, "Look! There is a sign up there."
Scarecrow, "I can't read it. I'm an idiot. Remember?"
D, "It says..."
Scarecrow, "It don't say nothing. You have to look at it."
D, "Come closer. You have something in you eyes."
Scarecrow bends over, "What?"
"The sign reads 'Wizards Castle - this way -->'"
Dorothy and Scarecrow continue their sojourn down the right fork.
Scene IV
Meeting the cowardly lion.
After an hour of walking on the hard brick road...
"Rooaarrr"
D trembles and quickly looks around in the forest. "I hear a lion!"
Scarecrow, "A meekly one, at that."
A lion emerges from the bushes and runs right into a tree. The scarecrow and Dorothy look down and both shake their head. The lion picks himself up, brushes a few things off his mane, and makes himself look presentable.
D eyes him over, "You're a lion? You look like a porcupine."
L sniffs. "I'm Larry the lion. I've always wanted to be a king. I tried playing checkers but I never got to the last row. I tried to be king of the bees but they revolted and stung me. I'm not brave enough to be a king. I'm lucky enough to be a serf."
Scarecrow, "You should..."
"AAAhhHH! What's that?" Lion points to a dark spot on the ground.
D: "That is your shadow."
L: "I always thought someone was following me."
D: "You'd better come with me to see the Wizard of Od. He can give you courage; and hopefully some brains."
The three continue the journey down the yellow brick road.
Scene V
Meeting the Tinman
After about an hour's walk...
"Helllp. Let me out of here!" A cry comes from a pile of scrap metal.
D: "That tin bucket is talking!"
T: "My partner welded this tin suit on. After it rained, I rusted shut."
D picks up a nearby oilcan, labeled 'oil', and lubricates the tinman's joints.
"Thanks. I'm Moe the tinman." He extends a creaky hand. "Who are those two dolts with you?"
"Shemp the scarecrow and Larry the lion."
MTT: "That hair looks fake." <OWWWW!> cries Lion. He rips out a handful.
"Ooops. I guess it is real."
L: "If I had courage, I would eat you."
"Eat this!" MTT conks Lion on the head with his iron arm.
"I'm Shemp the scarecrow. I'm brainless."
"You can say that again."
"I'm Shemp the scarecrow. I'm brainless."
MTT, "At least I didn't damage anything valuable."
D: "Come with us, tinman, and get a heart from the Wizard. I hope he has one large enough."
Dorothy and the Stooges form a line and start two-stepping.
"We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Od."
Tinman reminds them, "We'd better hurry up. It will be getting dark, soon."
The wicked witch of the west monitors their movements on her witchcam, rubbing the camera as if it was a crystal ball. She tells her head monkey: "Look! The little pretty has three friends. That won't stop me from getting her Guccini watch with the magical color bands."
She stands up and goes back to stirring her bubbly brew in a big iron pot.
A dab of this
and a sprinkle of that
go into the boiling vat.
"She will like my new tea. AAAHHAAAHAHAAAAAAA"
At long last, the end is in site...
"There is the wizard's castle." D points out.
"I hope he is home."
Knock, knock, knock.
No answer. Can't you hear me knocking?
Finally a small sliding window opens slightly and an eye appears. "Who is it?"
"We are here to see the wizard."
"He doesn't want any." The little door slams shut.
Dorothy pounds on the door and pleads, "Please let us in. We are not selling anything. The wizard is wanted on special business."
"No peddlers"
The sheepish Lion remarks, "We didn't pedal here, we walked."
The eye appears again, "What do you have to offer?"
An impatient, frowning Tinman pushes Dorothy aside, "This!"
A muffled "owwww" comes from behind the green door.
"Help the little goil, you big bazooka," yells the tinman.
"Ok. Come on in."
The big green weatherworn door slowly creaks opens.
"ENTER," a military voice orders.
Dorothy peeks behind the door but no one is there. All of them cautiously creep in.
A loud voice gives directions, "Go down the hall, past the dungeons, turn left at the first knight. When you come to a fork in the hall, take the right fork. Stop at the blue line and await the mighty Wizard."
Thirsty from the long walk, Shemp dares to ask the voice, "Is there a Starbucks in here? I'd like a Grande Latte with whipped cream topped with..."
"GO"
The reluctant Dorothy quickly leads the Stooges down the dimly lit, musty corridor. Their footsteps echo loudly off the stone walls.
"Here is the first knight."
Scarecrow, "It is still day."
"I don't see a fork."
"Go to the right, genius."
"Oh, here is the blue line. Now what? The room is empty."
After a few seconds of hissing, a large apparition appears in a shroud of smoke beaconed by a dim light at the end of the room.
"WHO GOES THERE?"
A frightened D pleads: "It, it is me, Dorothy, and my friends. We need your help."
"YOU DARE ASK THE WIZARD FOR HELP?"
"Yes sir. The nice witch of the south by southwest sent us."
Shemp shuffles through his pockets, "I have a receipt that she signed giving us permission to..." As he still searches for the slip of paper..
"QUIET, YOU MORON."
"The scarecrow needs brains, the lion needs courage, and the tinman needs a heart. And I need a trip home."
"YOU ASK A LOT."
Scarecrow backs down from his request, "I don't need too many brains, I think. I'm not trying to be an Einstein. Why do I need to think? It will only get me in trouble."
And so does the Lion, "You can skimp on the courage...as long as I can scare someone...like a small rabbit or a tortoise."
And Dorothy, "You can drop me off in Cucamonga. I can hitchhike the rest of the way."
Finally, Tinman, "I don't need a heart. The 2 of clubs will do."
Scarecrow pulls out a deck of cards, "I open 2 clubs."
Lion, "Three hearts."
"FOUR SPADES."
A pause...
"STOP!"
Scarecrow flings the cards up in the air and all over the cold, cold floor.
"BRING ME THE WICKED WITCH'S BROOM AND YOU WILL GET YOUR WISHES."
The apparition disappears as quickly as it appeared. The cowardly lion leads the pack as they quickly retrace their steps and end up outside the castle door pondering what to do next.
Scene VI
The witch hunt
"How do we find the witch?"
"Look her up in the phonebook."
"Ask the head of the Amalgamated Witches Union #477."
WWW shoos off her flying monkeys, "Bring me the little girl and her friends. I have a treat for them."
The monkeys take off in full bomber formation.
Lion shrieks in a high-pitched voice and nervously points to the sky, "Look, flying monkeys."
Scarecrow ignores the absurd statement, "Awwww. Monkeys don't fly."
"Aaaahhh! One of the monkeys that can't fly has me!" cries the Scarecrow.
"Eeeeeee! Me, too!"
Lion and Dorothy are next, "Owwwwwwww!"
"Run, Toto, run!"
The monkeys have their prey; they ignore Toto who has hidden in a small hollow log.
Dorothy's three friends are locked in a cage while Dorothy is handcuffed to a table.
"At last I have you. I'll get my watch." screeches the witch in her most devious voice.
The thoroughly frightened Dorothy asks, "What will become of my friends?"
"Tinman, you'll be melted down and recycled as soup cans. Scarecrow, I'll use you to stuff my mattress, and you, Cowardly lion; you will make a nice rug in the den. AAAHHHAAAAAAAHHAHAAHA!" cackles the witch as she flips over a big timer.
"So, my little pretty. You have until the sands of time empty from the top to give me the Guccini watch and its magic bezels. I'm going out to the store for tincture of spider. Don't go away!" WWW shuffles to the door cackling all the way.
Toto, who has followed and hidden behind a chair, emerges.
"Toto, help me push the table over."
Dorothy is free. She pulls a hairpin out of her head, bends it in a strange shape, and starts to pick the lock that holds her friends captive.
"I did it!"
"She did it!" dittos the Lion.
"We should set a trap for the witch when she gets back."
"I'm already back. AAAHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAA" comes a cackle in a dark corner of the room.
"SOOO. You thought you could outfox me!"
The sound of a powerful engine echoes throughout the little room as witch starts up her electric broom.
"Give me the watch! I'm going to suck you up if you don't!" The WWW chases Dorothy around with the electric broom knocking over furniture in an effort to make her the vacuum's next meal.
Tinman pulls the plug but the broom keeps on sucking.
"Haaaa! I have battery backup," cackles WWW, continuing her chase.
After a few minutes of a hectic chase...
"Hey, my broom is winding down." WWW kicks it a few times. "I better plug it in and recharge it." WWW picks up the loose cord and starts to connect it.
D grabs a bucket of water and throws it on WWW.
"ZZZZZZtttttt..." A big flash of light appears. "Heeeelllp! I'm melting!"
"What happened? Where's the witch?"
"WWW was holding an electrical cord when you threw the water on her. She got the electric kiss."
D "I wonder why her broom didn't work."
Tinman, "I replaced the batteries with an inferior brand."
He shows the others the batteries he took. "I have the Eveready batteries."
Scene VII
Back at the castle
Dorothy knocks at the castle door, holding the prize in her left hand.
The now familiar little door slides open...a black-and-blue eye appears. It spies the Tinman then quickly opens the door.
"I don't need another eye poke with a metal finger."
The big creaky door opens, a little quicker this time, and a commanding voice tells them: "The wizard awaits."
Dorothy leads the happy troops down the damp hall, down the right fork, and to the blue line.
After a few seconds of hissing, a large apparition appears in a shroud of smoke.
"WHO GOES THERE?"
D, "Oh, great Wizard. I have brought you the witch's electric broom." Dorothy presents her proof.
"YOU MUST BRING ME HER HAT."
"Now just a minute, you!" challenges the Scarecrow. "Wizards should not renege on promises."
The cowardly lion pokes his head from behind Tinman and chimes in, "Yeah!" then goes back into hiding.
A squirming Toto jumps out of Dorothy's arms, runs over to a silver booth, and pulls back a curtain exposing a run-down old professor fiddling with controls and talking through a microphone.
Dorothy raises her voice and points to the phony, "You're not a wizard."
The wizard turns around and smiles, "You don't need a wizard. You have it within yourself to accomplish your goals."
"You promised the scarecrow some brains."
"Why, all he needs to do is go to school instead of hanging around in a field as crow feed. Here is a diploma like a real school. Learning is a never-ending experience."
Scarecrow shows off some of his newly acquired smarts, "2 times 4 is 8." He smiles at his newly found genius. "The moon revolves around the earth in 24 hours. Water always flows uphill."
Wizard blushes, "Well, two out of three isn't so bad."
"What about the lion? He needs courage."
"All he needs is confidence in himself. Here is a courage diploma. You should attend Courage Anonymous meetings. They will help you become brave and strong. Stand up for yourself. Remember: 'All for one, one for All, Every lion for himself!'"
The cowardly Lion leans back and lets out, "ROOOAAAARR!" which echoes throughout the castle. "I want to eat you all!"
As the crowd slowly retreats from the menacing king of the jungle, Tinman bonks the Wizard on the head with a tire iron. "Nice going."
The quick-thinking lumpy Wizard turns red in the face, "Gimme back the diploma. I gave you the wrong one. Here is a milder one. Hee hee."
"ROOOAAARRR! I feel like eating my spinach."
A sigh of relief comes from the crowd.
"What about the tinman? He is so mean. He needs a heart."
"Find it within yourself not to eye poke or conk everyone who screws up. Here is a heart diploma. You need to be kinder and gentler to everyone instead of picking on them."
Tinman crouches down and pecks Dorothy on the cheek. Dorothy turns around and eye pokes Tinman.
The Wizard responds, "Yes. I guess that is better."
Scarecrow speaks up, "What about Dorothy? She needs to get back home."
"You don't need magic to get you back. Just put on the ruby bezel, close your eyes and say, 'There's no place like home.' It is on page 38 of the instruction manual. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the Wizard's Ball." The Wizard scurries off down the hall; the footsteps slowly grow quieter.
Dorothy looks at everyone and says, "This is where I say goodbye."
She hugs a tearful Scarecrow and gives him some advice, "Remember, 2 plus 2 is not always 4."
D hugs the sniffling lion, "You are king of the forest. Use your power wisely." Lion beats his chest like Tarzan...then punches himself in the face when he misses his chest. "...and use your wisdom, too."
Dorothy hugs a crying Tinman, "You'll rust if you keep this up." She stomps on Tinman's foot who grimaces in slight pain, "Hee hee. Just testing."
Tinman eye pokes the Scarecrow, "What are you laughing at?"
Dorothy closes her eyes and softly says, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home."
A small cloud appears and Dorothy is whisked away into the unknown...
Scene VIII
Home at last
Dorothy wakes up in her familiar bed with familiar faces surrounding her and her familiar Toto right next to her.
"Uncle Moe! Uncle Larry. Uncle Shemp. You'll never believe where I have been."
"She's awake!" exclaims Larry.
"No help from you two."
Moe eye pokes Uncle Shemp
Dorothy picks up Toto and gently strokes his back, "I guess we have always lived in the land of Od, here in Kansas."
@
© Aug, 2001 Doug DePrenger