231 - Tugboat Granny

The Stooges get an easy job pushing barges down the river. Easy? Let's find out...

Scene I

Moe, Larry, Shemp (MLS) are in their apartment, next to the Columbia River in Camas, WA looking at the newspaper want ads. They need a job.

Moe: "Here's one. Wanted three good hands"

Shemp: "I only have two"

"So do I...two fingers" Moe shows him two fingers then eyepokes him.

Moe: "It means three good men"

Larry: "I thought you said we were mice!" out comes Larry's hair

Moe: "Look, you imbeciles. They need three men to man a tugboat"

Shemp: "How do you man it when you're men? I thought they wanted mans, not men"

Moe: "Where did you learn to think like that?"

Shemp: "In Mexico, where they can't tell the mans from the mens"

"We're going to apply for the job. Do you know your bow from the aft?" asks Moe.

"Sure! You bow aft-er you do a good performance"

Shemp starts to bow - Moe conks him on the head and Shemp falls to the ground.

MLS are quietly driving the tugboat - pushing several barges along the Columbia River on their way to Astoria (where the Columbia River meets the Pacific Ocean)

Larry: "Hey Moe, I'm hungry. There's a place to eat - the Chart House. Let's go!"

Larry yanks the tugboat wheel and steers it toward the Chart House. The barges keep going down the river. MLS dock the boat, brush each other off, and go into the restaurant.

Nice looking hostess asks "How many?"

"Three."

"For lunch?"

Shemp: "No lady. Do I look like a cannibal?" The hostess eyepokes Shemp.

Hostess icily says: "Follow me"
Shemp: "I'll follow you anywhere! Kiss me!"

Shemp blindly goes to kiss Hostess but she runs away. He kisses Moe instead.

"AAAHHH I'm poisoned!"

Moe grabs a lobster in the fish tank and puts a claw on Shemp's nose.

"yeeeeooowww"

The hostess leads them to a table WAY in back. "What do you boys do?"

Larry: "We're tugboat boaters - the finest boaters whoever tugged a boat! See, right over there: Good Ship Lollypop"

Hostess looks down in the harbor: "Where are your barges?"

Shemp: "uhh, well, uuhhh, Hey Moe! The barges! They're gone!"

MLS run through the restaurant, barging in groups "excuse me", and knocking over tables and busboys. They run out to the tugboat and jump on board. All of a sudden, the Mafia Man (MM) appears (read "Los Wages" episode).

MM: "Where's da suitcase?"

Shemp starts barking at MM and running around in circles on the deck. Moe sneaks behind MM and attaches a fishing line to his belt. Larry starts reeling in the "fish".

Moe: "Here's a going away present" and hits him with a crowbar.

Moe backs the tugboat away from the dock. MM gets dropped in the river.

MM: "Hellllpp hellllp. I can't swim"

Shemp fumbles in his pocket.

"Here's a book on how to swim in 3 easy lessons" and tosses it to MM.

Larry throws him an anchor.

Moe puts the boat in 'fast'.

"We'd better find those barges. The boss will be real mad, if we don't"

Larry: "I got it! I got it!"

MS in unison: "What?"

Larry: "A terrific headache!"

Moe: "I'll fix that..." and bangs his fist on Larry's head several times.

Unfortunately, Moe turned the wrong way. After a few hours of hunting, MLS decide to call it a day. It is getting dark and they are tired.

After a good night sleep...

The alarm clock goes off.

"Why do we have to wake up so early?" complains Shemp.

"Because we have to find the barges. Besides, 10 AM isn't too bad."

"Wake up, Lawrence"

Larry snores louder.

"Maybe he needs some help." Moe walks over to the stove and gets a HOT iron frying pan. He sets it on Larry's butt. It starts smoking...Larry, that is.

"My name is not Lawrence!"

"Get up not Lawrence!" Moe conks Larry on the head with the skillet.

"Think of ways we can get our barges back!"
("I'm trying to think but nothing happens!")

Larry has an idea! "Let's put up posters: 'Lost! 3 barges named Spike, Rover, and Fifi. Last seen traveling west on the Columbia in the vicinity of Ft. James paper mill. Please return unharmed to 1313 Raven Court. PPD.'"

Shemp "Should we say they're house-trained?"

Moe: "We can't afford the postage! Let's go check the lost and found at Freds"

Scene II

MLS are walking down Camas Main Street...

MLS walk into Fred's Drug Store, back to the lost and found. Fred is standing behind the counter.

Moe starts: "We lost something"

Fred: "Could you describe it?"

Moe: "It's 40 feet by 25 feet and weight 6 tons 8 oz. We lost three of them. They are named Spike, Rover, and FiFi."

Fred: "what?"

Moe: "Barges."

Fred: "I'll check the back room" and walks to the back room, laughing insaneously.

"No, they're not back here. When did you see them last?"

Larry: "Yesterday, traveling west down the Columbia River near the Chart House"

Shemp: "Let's get a bloodhound"

Moe: "They can't swim."

Fred: "I know a good private detective - best in the lost barge business. I'll call her. Go wait out front."

In a few hours...

Fred: "Hi Granny" as a 67-year-old Granny struts in through the front door.

Granny: "Hi boys. Did you lose a barge or something?"

Moe: "Yezm. Three of them, you old sea hag."

Granny: "Ok, march! Hup, hup, hup..." Granny coerces everyone to the tugboat.

At the tugboat...

Larry: "I wanna be captain!"

Shemp: "No, I'm the captain"

Moe bonks their heads together. "No, I'm the captain"

Granny bonks all three of their heads together. "I'M the captain. Go pull in the anchor."

Shemp walks over and starts pulling the anchor chain. "Man, this is heavy!"

Granny walks over to Shemp. Wham. Shemp gets a pipe on the head. "You moron! Use the anchor motor. Larry, untie us from the moorings."

"Aye, aye, Captain!"

Larry starts to untie the knots of the slip ropes. Wham! Larry gets conked with a lead pipe. "You're as stupid as Shemp! LIFT them off the moorings."

"Ha, HA! You're as stupid as I am," gloats Shemp.

"Hey, how do we stop the barges? I can't find the brake in the manual."

Moe: "Here's a break!" and smashes a bottle over Shemp's head.

Shemp is whistling for the barge "Here, bargee, bargee. Where are you, Fifi?"

MLS are exhausted after their fruitless hunt for Spike, Rover, and Fifi. They collapse on the couch and start sleeping. All of a sudden the whole apartment shakes - whump! Whump! Whump! - MLS wake up and run outside.

"Spike"

"Rover"

"Fifi. You're back" They are sitting on the driveway.

Mr. Beetlepuss, the mailman, is standing next to them, making out a bill. "That'll be $600.67. Collect. Now."

Larry, meanwhile, sneaks behind BP, yanks off a manhole cover and whistles.

Shemp: "Mr. Mailman, you're shoe's untied"

BP looks down at his shoe and gets an eyepoke. Shemp head-butts him in the stomach and BP travels backwards and falls down the manhole.

"Let's get outta here!"

MLS scamper down the street...

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