232 - Unrealtors
Moe, Hairy, and Doug (the 3 Flaws) become real estate agents in Peoria, Illinois.
Scene I
MH&D are painters, working for Phil's Paints and Phaucets on the corner of Phourth and Phifth Ave. They are on assignment. Phil's brother, Fil, is responsible for development of the neighborhood, "Walnut Groove Estates".
Doug licks the last of today's lunch off his fingers, "Why are we waiting in the van?"
Moe, "Because it is only 10:15 and we are supposed to be here at 10:00."
"But we're late!"
"Not late enough."
"Who are you?"
"I'm Hairy, the son of Larry (the Stooge)."
Moe eyes over his overabundance of hair. "Is that so?"
"You're hair is easier to tear out than Larry's."
Moe is first in line at the front door of a customer, "Act like gentlemen, if possible. Remember, we're painters."
"I thought you said we were mice." asks a confused Hairy.
"That was last week."
Moe can't believe it. "Joey! You own this house?"
"Yes, I do." Joey replies with suspicion.
"How did you come into all this money?"
"I'm a real estate agent."
"Real estate, huh?"
"Yeah. It's easy work. Just sell houses to unsuspecting people."
"What does it take to become one?"
"No brains at all."
"No brains? Hairy will be top seller if that's the case."
"How do we get a piece of the action?" Doug rubs his hands in anticipation.
"Just get your real estate license then start selling."
"Where?"
"At the real estate license bureau. It's in the yellow pages...OR I can sign you up for five dollars."
"Really? How about two?"
"Hmm. Ok."
"Meet me at Roxy's tomorrow at the crack of noon."
Scene II
Roxy Bar and Grill on the Peoria waterfront, off in a corner filling out applications...
Doug lights a match, "It is dark in here."
Joey, "No one knows me in here. I don't want to be seen with..."
Doug interrupts his paperwork, "Surname? I'm not a knight. Sir Doug."
"That is your last name."
"The last name I had was Doug."
Joey scans over the application. "What the? Your address is not 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."
"I know. It says address so I put one in."
"But that is the White House!"
"I live in a white house."
"Stop confusing the issue with facts."
"Do you want one?"
"What?"
"A fax."
"You guys will do great in real estate."
Scene III
Getting a real estate license. Front door of a huge two-story stone building with Doric columns
MH&D barge into the State of Illinois' real estate office.
The receptionist takes one look at the boys, "The hospital is two blocks down the street."
"Hospital?"
"Yeah. Mental."
"We don't need to be made smaller. We need a real estate license."
"Here's a sample one. You have to pass a test to get a real one."
Hairy stammers around the room, "A test? Is everything in this world based on passing a test?"
Doug grabs it from Renee, the receptionist.
"Sample? Hmmmm." Doug's antennas sparkle as he has that look in his eye.
"C'mon. Let's go and take the test."
"But..." protests Hairy.
"You heard him. Let's go." Moe drags Hairy out the door by the ear with ice tongs.
Outside the govt office...
Moe asks Doug, "Why did you leave so quickly?"
In a huddle, Doug explains in a soft voice, "I got a sample of the license. We can scan it in to the computer and modify it with some software I wrote, and then print out 'our' licenses."
Moe pats him on the back. "Genius. I knew you were good for something."
Moe then turns to Hairy and
Scene IV
ReTard, the biggest real estate company in town is hiring. Ilse is fending off the new applicants in her office.
"Hi. I wanna sell real estate. Here's our disqualifications." Doug hands Ilse the interviewer his real estate license.
"Here's mine."
"And mine."
Ilse eyes over the papers, "Ooo. What a pretty 'liecents'. And Mickey Mouse, the realtor in the vignette, has three ears. Who issued these?"
"A bored realtor. We passed a test." Doug pats himself on the back.
"Oh. Ok. Not the ink blot test."
"What?"
Hairy, "Ink blot? I didn't study for that one."
Ilse, "Go out and sell real estate."
"You mean we're hired?"
"Yes. Sell, sell, sell. The more you sell the more we make...and the more we make."
"Weeeee!!!" Hairy is so happy he picks up a stack of papers, runs them through the shredder and throws them in the air as confetti.
"You moron! Those are my prospects! NOW GET OUT OF HERE before I run you through the shredder!"
"We'll clean them up when we get back from selling."
MH&D exit quickly.
Scene V
Sell, sell, sell!
Moe, Hairy, and Doug are standing on the corner of Phifth and Main...
"Hey, Moe. How do we sell real estate?"
"Accost people."
Hairy runs up to the first guy he sees, "Hey, buddy! Wanna buy a house?"
Beer breath answers, "I'm homeless. How can I buy a house?"
"I've got a special on a cozy one room Frigidice boxes - ex-washing machine holders. Double-lined for your comfort. "
"Um. Ok. How much?"
"A bottle of Seawater's 7."
"Oh, no problem." Bum hands Hairy a flask from his back pocket in return for a cardboard box.
"What is the warranty on it?"
Back at the office...
Doug slams down the phone in happiness. "Yahoo! I sold the property at 1313 Mockingbird Lane." Doug dances around the office with a cardboard full-size cutout of Britney Spears hawking Frazer Paint at King's hardware.
After a few minutes of ringing and everyone looking the other way, B.A.D. (Bertha Anne Dillinger), today's office receptionist working as a second job at Outsource, Inc. who outsourced her first job - head of outsourcing, finally answers the phone.
"This is Hermann Munster (quiet Lilly, I can handle this). A moving van is outside our house and the driver claims he bought it today from one of your agents named Dog."
"I'll investigate it and call you back."
"You'd better or else Grandpa will turn you into a purple top turnip!"
"I sold some property!"
B.A.D. pats him on the back, "Good for you! Let's see the contract."
Bertha Anne scans the contract for a few minutes...then:
"AAAAHHHHHHH!"
Hairy's hair stands on end, "Eeee. ???"
"You sold the Huson mansion for eight thousand dollars!"
"Yeah! The customer got a great deal!"
"Nooo! WE'ERE supposed to get the 'great' deal - not the customer."
Manfred Mann the mangy manager, asks, more like orders, Doug into his office.
"Shut the door behind you."
Doug does just that.
Manfred sproings out of his executive office chair and chases after Doug.
"Hey! I didn't mean for you to leave! Get back into my office rat now."
MM makes sure his quarry goes straight to jail and does not collect 200 dollars.
"I understand you sold the property at 1313 Mockingbird Lane."
"Yes, I got a great price for it!" Doug holds up the sales slip.
"IT WAS NOT FOR SALE!"
"I thought we are supposed to sell real estate."
MM is fuming. "The owner has to want to sell it!"
"I didn't learn that in real estate class."
"You can't sell someone's property without their consent."
"What's a consent look like?"
"Go to Mr. Munster's house and take down the Sold sign."
Manfred, "Did you get the owner's consent?"
"I'll call him up."
"Is Mr. Sister there?"
"No."
"Where is he?"
"Here."
"That's what I said, there."
"Can't you hear? Here!"
"Let me talk to him."
"mlkjflkjasdlkfjl;k"
"What did he say?"
"mlkjflkjasdlkfjl;k"
"Oh."
"He's tied up at the moment."
"I know. I know. A figure of speech."
"No, he was tied up by your real estate agent, Dog. In fact, Dog bit him. He doesn't have rabies, does he?"
Manfred slams down the phone. "DOOOOOOUUUUGGGG!"
Doug runs into Manfred's office, very excited.
"Did you visit the property at 1404 Mumbwa?"
"Yeah. Can I untie him now?"
"Ooooooo! You can't force him to sell!"
"I took down Munster's house and put up a Sold sign."
2:04 PM. A small weasel-looking guy slithers into the office with his wife, Clara. She chews the tobacco in the family...
In a helium voice, he makes his demands, "I want my money back. My house has a hidden defect."
Ptttewy. Right in the spittoon. Nice aim, Clara.
"Calm down. What is the hidden defect?"
"The south roof is missing!"
"Whaaaaat?"
"Yeah! The shingles and plywood - gone."
"Didn't you have the house inspected?"
"Yes, by Inspector Q. Doubles as a pocket inspector specialist."
"It must not be serious. The inspector didn't note it. Go away! You bother me." Manfred slams down the phone then preaches
Hairy and Manfred are in conference...
"You're not meeting this month's quota. I'm gonna have to fire you."
"No boss! I'll sell some property. Honest!" Hairy scoots across the floor on his knees, hands folded in hope. "Gimme another chance!"
Manfred pats him like an old dog. "Ok. One more chance. But you'd better sell something soon."
"Ok. I'll go out and sell something rat now."
"Oh, and don't ever use that word again in this office."
"What word?"
"Honest."
Manfred puts on his fedora, stuffs his brown briefcase full of papers, and then heads out the door. After a fifteen minute walk...
"Oh NOOOO! Moe! Hairy! Dog! Ooooooo. Theeeeiirr FIRED!"
"What's the matter, Fred man?" Ole Lem pipes up from the corner of his yard.
"My house is missing."
"Missing?"
"Yes! Only a few pieces of lumber remain."
Manfred pounds each number into his cell phone.
"Where's my house?"
Hairy, "I sold it to Feador's Scrap and Flower Shop. You told me to sell something and I did - your house."
"OOOOO! You're fired!!!"
Manfred picks up a Louisville slugger baseball bat with bad intentions.
Hairy backs up a few steps. "Wait! That is not yours anymore. I sold that, too."
"I'm going to lunch."
Waitress, "Today's special is..."
"I want a burger."
"BTW, do you want to buy some real estate?"
"Sure. The whole town."
"This is fun selling stuff. And we don't even own it."
MM "You idiots! You sold this office!"
"YOOOOOOUUUUURRRREEEE FIRED!"
Scene VI
MH&D need a domicile. Fast.
Moe, Hairy, and Doug sit dejected on Chestellwadder Street curb kicking little pebbles every so often into a nearby storm drain.
"Mrs. Rootcanale finally made good on her word - she threw us out."
"We were only nine months behind on rent."
Hairy reads a flyer mounted on a nearby telephone pole. "Kathy Rhinoceros is selling her TLC home. She's a top producer."
"HereAreTheKeysToTheHouseGoodByeAndGoodLuckYouWillNeedIt."
Kathy doesn't bother put the car in reverse - she does a U turn on the front lawn and speeds out of the subdivision. MH&D watch as she runs down a stop sign in her escape and the tail lights merge with others leaving town.
"The house ours. Let's move in!"
Scene VII
Home sweet home.
Hairy laments. "The water is black! And it stinks."
"Aaaaiiieeeee!!" comes a cry from the bathroom. The door flings open so hard the doorstop bends. Steam billows out into the living room.
Moe, "The warm setting is 200 degrees. So is the cold. Doesn't anything work in this house?"
"Not even Hairy."
Doug speed dials Rhino's number. "I'll settle this."
After an hour of being on hold...
"Ooo that Rhino."
The boys are hiding behind a large oleander bush. "There she is. With clients. Heehee."
As Kathy and her clientele approach the door, little do they realize they are being followed.
Kathy unlocks the lockbox and herds her victims (sic) into the house. "Notice the large foyer and..."
"Owww!" Mr. Crumpett grabs his behind and leaps two feet seven inches off the floor. "Hornets!!"
Mrs. Crumpett tries to run but too late. Eleven bees dive bomb her.
"Kathy? You're back early."
"We were attacked by hornets as we entered the house."
MH&D are crouched behind a cable box, chuckling in anticipation.
As soon as Kathy unlocks the solid oak door,
"Get this door off me!"
CEO of National Pipe Cleaners, .Mr. Turdle and Kathy slowly lift the unhinged door off Mrs. Turdle but
Moe laughs. "Look. Her wig stuck to the door."
ïŒ Mr. Turdle grabs the entrance handle and flings open the door...and him, too.
"How howw. My hand is stuck on the door."
Doug, "He'll be there a while. HydroelectricOnForever Glue will see to that."
Moe, "Doug. When is the court date?"
"As soon as I ask her out."
"Kathy!" Mr. Summons summons here.
"These contracts are blank!"
"Blank???" Kathy is flabbergasted.
"That's what I said. Blank as your brain."
"I know I filled them out and signed them."
"Doug. What is this jar of black ink in the fridge for?"
"Heeeheee. It is post-invisible ink I invented. Whatever you write will disappear in a day or so. I left a few pens gratis for Rhino."
Glue all the locks
Electric doorknobs
Skunk in house
Tacks on chairs
Hot sauce
Scene VIII
Courthouse, room 16. Judge Jowls presiding. The closing arguments have just ended.
"This case will have a widespread effect on the real estate industry, so I will mull over the evidence and mail out the verdict in a few days. Court is adjourned."
Pressman, "Do you have anything to say?"
Doug strokes his chin, "It is my firm belief that 22% of the evidence will have 78% sway in the Judge's mind. Now 12% of the rest of the 22% not included in the original analysis will be the presiding factor in what 38% of the audience believes. When 59 out of 73..."
"What are you babbling about?"
Three days later...
"Mail's here!" The mail is still delivered door to door in this section of town.
"Where's the mail?" asks Hairy, trying to peek behind Mel the mailman's back.
Mel, "You owe 37c postage due on a letter."
In disgust Moe lets loose. "What kind of cheapskate.."
Hairy surveys the letter. "It is from 'Rhino vs. Wino (that's us!)'"
"Oooooo." Hairy shoves 37 pennies in Mel's outstretched hand."
Mel quickly counts them.
"These are Canadian pennies."
"The letter is from Canada."
"Where's my tip?"
"He has it." When Mel turns to collect his winnings from 'him', he receives a swift kick in the pants and hears the door slam.
"Here it is!" Hairy rips open the letter and reads the verdict. "Well, looks like Kathy won. We lost the case."
"Hmmpf." Moe sulks.
"Wait! We're rich. Rich! RICH!"
"Waddya mean?" says Moe, retracting to at-ease position.
"Just this. Our noir well water is laced with oil. Black gold. Texas tea. We're on top of an oil field."
Tossing the test tube aside, Doug strums his antique "Jed Clampett" signature banjo. "Well the first thing you know, Old Doug's a millionaire. The kin folks say..."
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© Aug, 2002 Doug DePrenger