233 - Used Car Tars
Moe, Larry, and Shemp are out of work sailors and get a job as used car salesmen. No wonder used car salesmen have a bad reputation.
Scene I
Moe, Larry, and Shemp are hungry for a job. They just got discharged from the navy (tar is old slang for a sailor) and have been out of work for months. They have sunk to new lows...
MLS are inside Shyster's Cars showroom - pleading for used car salesmen jobs with the boss, Sham Shyster the shlick shalesman from Shimola.
"We'd like to apply for the used car salesmen jobs," ask the Stooges in unison.
"Have you ever sold anything?"
"We're the best salesmen that ever sailed a sail who sold sails to sailors and their tailors who read Vincent Mailer and listen to the Wailers while watching hay bailers who..."
"SHADDDUP!"
"C'mon boss"
"Hmmmm. Well, I don't know..." ponders Sham.
Larry bounces across the bare floor on his knees, hands folded in hope: "Come on, Mr. Shyster! Give us a chance! We're sailors that aren't sailing."
"OK, boys," Shyster says, stroking his grey beard, "I'm an old sea dog myself. You've convinced me - you're hired!"
"Thanks, Fido!"
"Whaaat?"
MLS are elated. Barn dance music starts up.
Swing your partners round and round, stomp them on the foot and throw them dowwwwwwwn. -which is what Moe does to Shemp.
Larry picks up a stack of papers and flings the confetti in the air...whheeeeeee! Contracts float everywhere.
"QUIET!" screams Shyster, shaking his fists in the air.
"There are a few rules that us car salesmen follow."
Blank stares from the Stooges.
"One. Don't call our customers suckers, idiots, stupids, or losers to their faces. Got that?"
"But boss, don't you want us to be truthful? Don't we consider customers suckers, idiots, stupids, and losers?" asks Moe.
"Well, yes they are, but they don't need to be reminded.
"Yeah, boss," sigh the Stooges.
"Two. Whenever a customer drives up, go out and greet them courteously and promptly."
In unison: "Greet them."
Shyster flips his NASCAR calendar a few time then decides, "Now report here tomorrow and start selling."
Shemp asks: "When's that?"
Shyster: "Yesterday, the day after the day when today ends"
"What?"
Shyster: "In two days the day thrice after yesterday."
"Huh?"
Shyster: "The day before the day after tomorrow. Is that clear?"
"Yes, that's clear. But when's tomorrow?"
Moe eye pokes Shemp. "Don't start that again. We'll be here the day after today."
Shemp asks: "When is that?"
Moe: "Tomorrow"
"When's tomorrow?" asks Shemp, again.
Shyster interrupts: "Two days after yesterday except at summer solstice"
Moe holds up two fingers. "Two?"
Shyster: "Yes"
Larry whispers: "That guy is as confusing as a 1040 form."
Scene II
The next day the boys show up at Shyster's in their Sunday best - a plaid sports coat, polka dot tie, and black-and-white checkered pants. They are gazing out the big picture window of the showroom trying to levitate each car into the lot that drives by.
Grandpa and Grandma Kettle pull in and drive up in a 1953 Studebaker - it's spotless.
Moe, Larry, and Shemp yell in unison: "A customer!"
They scramble to the door, knocking the boss over and splashing HOT coffee on his pizza face.
"Owwwww!" cries the Boss.
"Look what you did! You spilled the boss's coffee" yells Moe at his two buddies.
Larry and Shemp run through the office toward the break room and plow into a salesman carrying a pot of coffee who spills it down the back of Sharon the (woo woo!) secretary.
"Get the boss his coffee!" she yells, steam still emanating from her back.
Shemp and Larry arrive in the break room. An old lady is walking toward the coffee pot. Larry shoves her aside. "Outta the way, Granny."
Shemp puts the coffeepot in the microwave on HIGH until the glass on the coffeepot starts to crinkle.
"The boss likes his coffee warm."
Larry pours two cups of coffee, gives one to Shemp, and they both retrace their steps (shown in fast motion)
Larry and Shemp are back, breathlessly standing in front of Shyster.
"Here you are, you most gracious regal graciousness!" greet Shemp and Larry. They bow deeply (holding the coffee). The coffee pours a steady stream down inside of each of Shyster's shoes.
"Yeeeoooowwww. My feet are burning," yells the boss, watching steam pour out the shoelace holes in his shoes.
"Look what you did! You spilled the boss's coffee...Again!" points out Moe then bonks Shemp and Larry's heads together.
"Now go get him some more coffee. NOW!" orders Moe.
Shemp and Larry look at each other. "Here we go again!"
Shemp and Larry repeat the scene.
"Here you are, your most gracious regal!"
"Don't bow. Don't bow! Just give me the coffee. That's it. Nice and easy. No one will get hurt." pleads Sham.
Shemp and Larry hand over the coffee to Shyster.
Shyster shakes as he shoots down both cups.
"Listen you idiots! We..." starts Sham.
"Hey, we're not customers!" questions Larry.
"Sorry. Listen you imbeciles"
"That's better."
"We haven't sold a car in weeks. Get out there and sell them a car!!" screams Shyster, scaring his pet goldfish white.
MLS run toward the door and mow down a salesman with a stack of receipts (which, of course, fly all over the place)
All three trip and fall down the small flight of stairs going out to the parking lot.
Moe gets up and pulls up Larry by the hair who pulls up Shemp by the ear. They run over in front of Grandpa and Grandma.
"Yes, ma'am, a sir, a ma'am! What can we sell you?" inquires Moe.
"Well, boys, old Betsy here is getting old and run down. I need to get rid of her"
Shemp replies: "Yeah, Grandma does look like she's one step out of the grave."
"No, you morons, I'm talking about the car!"
"Look, baldy, what car interests you?" asks Larry.
"A big, black Cadillac"
Shemp yells across the lot: "Here's one, over here!"
Gramps strolls over and eyes it carefully. "Hmmmm. Hmmm? Hmmm. Hmmm!"
Larry frowns as he gets impatient. "What are you, a hummingbird?"
Gramps rips out a clump Larry's hair. "oooouuuchh"
He hands Larry his tuft of hair. "Go build a nest, you shrubhead!" replies Gramps.
Larry grabs at Gramp's hair but comes up empty.
"Haaaaahahaha"
"Laugh this off!" Larry twists Grandpa's nose with a pair of discount pliers.
Gramps likes the car.
"This is a nice automobile." Grandpa pats it like an old dog.
"We'll take it. Right dear?"
In a quivering voice, Grandma barely answers: "Wwweeell, ok"
Moe pulls out the papers from his back pocket. "Here you are, sign these"
Gramps pulls out a gold Cross pen looks down and
"This pen isn't writing too well" says Grandpa as he shakes the pen, trying to get ink out of the end.
"Hey, you stupid old geezer! You just etched your name in the hood of the car. The papers are over here!" says Moe, pointing to the contract a few feet away.
"Sorry, boys. I can't see well."
Gramps walks over, bumps into the Caddy, looks closely at the papers, and signs them. So does Grandma.
Moe hands them the keys. "Have fun in your new car"
Grandpa and Grandma get in the car.
"HEY! Where's the steering wheel?"
Moe runs up to help. "Up in the front seat."
"Oh."
Gramps climbs out of the back seat, slides in the driver's seat and rolls down the window: "See you later" and drives away knocking over a few trash barrels.
Shemp asks Moe: "Is it important for him to know that was Bonnie and
Moe: "I don't think so. We covered up all the bullet holes. Besides, it's a classic."
Moe and Larry head back to the showroom to file the papers when a beat up, old Chevy speeds through the rocky parking lot, kicking up dust. A six foot six goon with a sixty-six IQ dressed from the sixties gets out of the car. He looks around suspiciously as his pockmarked, greasy face is sweating in the sun. 66 walks over to a Mercedes and eyes it over very carefully. Shemp confidently walks up to greet goon.
"Hi, mister. How is..."
"I wanna take dis car for a test drive"
Shemp's voice quivers as he answers, "Well, a, lemme check with.."
66 grabs Shemp by shirt and lifts him off the ground.
"I said I wanna drive da car."
"Ohhh. Ok. Now that you put it that way"
66 slides into the car, straps on his seatbelt, puts on his helmet and leather gloves while Shemp looks inside the back for his frisbee. Moe slams the door on Shemp who tumbles headfirst into car. 66 starts the car, floors it, and hits Larry who topples into a row of garbage cans. He sticks his head up which he has a dripping, rotten watermelon hat. Moe's foot is under the back tire...
"Come back here!" screams Larry, shaking his fist at 66.
"I don't think he can hear you. He had his window shut."
Larry, "Hey, bring back our Shemp you hoss thief!"
Scene III
Lefty and the two goons hold Shemp hostage on a fishing boat at Anthony's Tic Toc Dock down the block...
64, 66's younger brother, is watching the Flintstones on television while 66 is holding Shemp by the collar.
"Duhh, what are we going to do with dis guy, boss?"
"We'll hold him hostage. If they don't deliver the money, then we'll feed him to Fifi (the pet Great White Shark)"
"Duhh, someone is knocking at the door"
Shemp answers sheepishly "That's my knees"
"Shaddup, idiot. Sit down and don't make a sound," yells Lefty.
66 shoves 64 into a chair.
"Duhhh, the boss said to shut up and sit down and don't make a sound."
Lefty shakes his head, "Noooo, the hostage!"
"What's your phone number?" orders Lefty.
Shemp tells him to look it up in the phone book. Lefty pulls out a 38 Magnum and sticks the barrel in Shemp's mouth. Shemp's eyes are as wide as a picture window.
"What's your phone number?" Lefty asks again.
Shemp starts licking the melted Reese's pieces off the gun barrel.
Lefty glares at Shemp as he cocks the gun. "What is your phone number?"
Shemp blurts out: "Susquehanna 2-2222. My Grandmas is 743-3333. My friend's number is 743-3888. George Washington's is 383-4444. Bill Ding's is 334-8383. Fred McGooks is..."
Lefty yells "SHADDDUUPPP!" and conks Shemp on the head.
Lefty calls Moe and Larry: "We kidnapped your friend. If you want him back, deliver fifty gs under the overpass near
Whaamm. Lefty slams the phone down.
"They got Shemp!" cries Moe.
Larry whispers to Moe: "Do we want him back?"
Moe bonks Larry on the head with the phone. "Yes, he owes me two dollars."
"Where are we going to get fifty thou?"
"Hmmmm. I know! We'll use the money from Shemp's Monopoly game. They'll never know the difference. If we get put in jail, I can use the get out of jail free card"
"Yeah, when they grab the money, we'll grab them, call the cops and collect a big reward"
"What if they hurt Shemp?"
"We'll use the reward money to pay his hospital bills"
"Good idea. Let's go"
Moe shuffles things around in a closet and finds an old brown soft covered suitcase.
"I found an old bag."
"Grandma's here!" says Larry, bouncing up and down like a jumping bean.
"Imbecile! I got a bag to put the moolah in" Moe stuffs the duffle bag with Monopoly money and a surprise.
"I'm ready. Let's rescue Shemp"
Moe and Larry scramble out to the car. Larry unfolds a map into Moe's face. "Here's
"Get your hand outta my face!" says Moe.
Larry, "That's not my hand."
Moe, "Ok. You asked for it!"
"YEOOOWW! I bit me!" yells Moe.
"Get the map outta my face!"
Moe lets Larry have it with a punch to the ear. Larry pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts two eyeholes in the map. Moe thanks him and continues his quest.
"Turn right at the next road on the left"
"Right!"
"This is
"He said under the overpass"
"No, I think he said over the underpass"
After a few miles...
"There's the black car under the overpass. Over there!" points Larry, hitting Moe in the face.
Moe drives up to the dark car. 66 and 64 get out to meet Moe and Larry.
"Hey, youse guys. Gimme da money"
"Where's Shemp?"
64 opens the trunk. Shemp, tied up tighter than a ball of twine, looks up, wide-eyed. "hajsdhfjkhf" muffles Shemp.
Moe: "What'd he say?"
Larry repeats: "hajsdhfjkhf"
"Thanks, interpreter. Here's your payment" and pokes Larry in the eyes.
"Ok, here's your money. Now give us Shemp."
"Not so fast." 66 snatches the bag from Larry and opens it.
"Look, 64! Look at all dis money"
Both stick their hands in the bag with big smiles on their faces. "YYEEOEOOOOEEEEWWWWW"
Moe pulls out a revolver. "Stick 'em up"
The goons yank their hands out of the bag, along with several king-size crabs clinging on their fingers.
"Waaahhhh! Get these biters off of us!" cry the goons.
"Say please"
"oooohhoowww, ok. Please"
"Pretty please"
"eeeeeeiiiaaaaaoooowww! Oh, oh, ohhhh. Pretty please"
"With sugar on top"
Moe bonks Larry on the head with the butt of the gun. "That's enough"
Moe handcuffs the goons to the bumper of the car while Larry pulls the crabs off their hands.
64 kicks Larry in the shin.
"You can keep this one." Larry puts a snapping crab down 64's pants.
"No, No, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" cries out 64.
"That'll learn ya"
"Duhhh, I'm a nice boy," 66 reminds them. He doesn't want company.
Larry opens the trunk and pulls the duct tape off Shemp's mouth.
"Thanks, Larry. Now I know what a spare tire feels like. Go on, loosen me up!"
Larry unties Shemp.
"What'll we do with those goons?"
Moe: "I'll get rid of them" He opens the car door and puts it in 'Drive' The car starts rolling away with the goons being dragged after it. Moe gets one last kick in the pants in.
"Good riddance"
© Nov 2000 Doug DePrenger