234 - Wasted Days and Wasted Knights
Moe, Larry, and Doug need to rehabilitate Sir Lancelot of the Knights of the Round Table for a fight to the finish.
Scene I
Camelot, 547 A.D. Judge Jack Arthur’s courtroom in olde tyme England where King Arthur rules with the lovely Queen Guinevere.
"Order? Drinks are on the house!" slobbers the defendant.
"Yeah!!!" rejoice the courtroom attendees, some already polishing their beer steins on their shirt sleeves.
"Quiet! Sir Lancelot – or should I say Sir Blitzed-alot. You should be slaying dragons and rescuing fair damsels in distress, not slaying beers at the local pub."
"Your honor! Oh, you grew hair and you are not ugly anymore. What is your secret?" asks Lance.
"No. no. That is the prosecutor. The judge is over there," whispers the defending attorney, picturing himself in the unemployment line.
"I am Sir Lancelot of the Round Table." Lance stands up straight as an arrow and plants his lance in the courtroom floor.
"Can I testify?" asks Doug.
"And who are you?" asks Judge Jack, glaring at the Stooges, hiding behind the bailiff.
"Umm. Why, I’m Sir Osis of the Liver. And this is Sir Moe the Grass and Sir Larry the Nothing."
"All for one. One for all. Every woman for myself."
"I sentence thee to thirty days without a drink."
"He’s cruel" whispers the crowd.
"NO!"
"It’s the Black Knight!"
"It’s the Black Knight!"
"The court of the Black Knight says Sir Lancelot has besmirched the family name. He must prepare to die!"
"He is. By old age," yells out Doug.
"Meet me in the forest clearing tomorrow when the sun is overhead." The shadowy figure disappears from whenst he came.
Scene II
Inside the castle walls, near the communal well.
The Stooges do not notice their visitor.
Blackie, "Hi boys. Where is Sir Lancelot?"
A weary Larry sighs as he reels up another creaky bucket of brackish "water". "Passed out behind the oak tree near the drawbridge."
"I bet a lot of money on Lancelot to beat the Black Knight. I don’t like to lose."
Moe, "Well, you can’t win them all."
Blackie moves so close to Moe that their noses touch. "Lancelot better win this fight or else…"
"Or else what?"
"You’ll be so full of holes your name will be Sir Sieve."
"Lance, why is the round table round?"
Lancelot, "It is shaped like a coaster so every knight has an equal voice."
Moe shakes his quarry, "Lance, no more drinks. You have to fight the Black Knight tomorrow. The whole kingdom is depending on you; especially us."
After a few tries, Lance stumbles up, towering over the Sir Stooges by at least a foot, and gathers in his old buddies.
"I like you guys. Tell you what. Lets celebrate being off the wagon down at pub Lic."
Larry, "But Sir. I do not thinketh that a good idea."
Larry, "You beheaded those flowers…oh…start me with a gin and tonic – no olives."
Queen Guinevere is worried about Lance. She obediently watches King Arthur pace back and forth in front of his throne talking to whoever listens. In this case it is the lowly court jester, Doug. "I am worried about Lancelot. I hope his drinking habits are declining."
"So do I."
At the pub…
Lance pours himself a drink while Moe, Larry, and Doug watch in awe.
"Here’s fingers in your eyes"
Doug sighs, "But Lance. That was straight Vodka!"
"I have to take a breathalyzer test before I fight – King’s orders."
"Breathalyzer? How does it work?" asks Doug.
"I kiss Guinevere– if she tastes liquor on my breath then I fail."
Larry, "Can I take a breathalyzer test!?"
"Me, too!!"
Moe lights up. "Me three!"
"I said it first!"
Doug, "No! I did."
Lance laughs, "You can all take the test from Maid Ugla, the king’s daughter."
Three Cheshire cat smiles appear.
Scene III
Day of reckoning …
"But Lance. You drank six quarts of ale. That’s not a lunch!"
Lance finishes off leftover peanut shells, "I also ate four dragonburgers with extra hot sauce. I’m sauced and hot sauced."
"Moe, we need to sober up Lance. It is almost fight time." Larry has trimmed his nails.
"You are right. Make him some coffee."
Shaking the concoction, Doug barely finishes when…
"Slow down, Lance. It’s not tequila!"
"He’s not getting better."
"Coffee and Kahlua. Or was it coffee and Kahlua?"
"Kahlua?"
Doug, "Yes, Kahlua. The small print says it has caffeine – to keep him awake."
Moe picks up the bottle, "The large print says it has forty percent alcohol, you imbecile."
Doug retorts, "At least it is not fifty percent!"
Larry, "He’s as cold as a Siberian prisoner. Blackie will kill us!"
"Drag Lance to the barn where he can sleep this off while we finish our chores."
In the loft Larry and Doug are doing their daily chores while Moe is cutting firewood in the back of the barn.
"Get rid of these iron train wheels."
"Hey! Are you guys up there?" yells Lance.
Doug peeks over the loft’s edge, "No. You’re down there."
Larry, "Sounds like Lancelot awaketh."
Doug pushes the wheels off the loft.
Larry scampers down the loft, "Oh no! Those wheels landed on Lance’s head. He is out cold."
"I need a drink."
"Oh, Lance. You’re waking up."
Doug, "That was me talking."
After a few minutes, Moe wanders upon the scene.
"Is Lance still asleep?"
Larry, "Yes, and will be for a while. Doug conked him on the head with the iron wheels."
Moe is mad.
"The wheels did it."
Larry, "I know! Doug, you dress up as Sir Lancelot and fight in is place. No one will ever know!"
"They will when I’m skewered."
Moe, "Blackie will kill us all. It’s better for one to die than three. You’re elected."
Doug shrugs, "A victim of circumstance."
"But I’m a jester, not a jouster."
Larry, "Joust a minute – I’ll show you."
"What is that noise?"
"My knees shaking. The Black Knight is ruthless – he’ll kill me!"
Moe, "Don’t you have insurance?"
"Yes, with Fiefdom Insurance. ‘You’re in good hands with Fiefdom.’ Some slogan. The only hands they have are in my back pocket grabbing my farthings."
Scene IV
It is high noon. At the fight…
Larry leads the pack, "Where’s Maid Ugla? I need a breathalyzer test!"
"Me, too!", chimes in Doug.
"Me, three!"
Lance comes around the corner of the barn, "Boys, meet Maid Ugla!"
Doug shakes his head and leans over to Moe, "And I thought even nature had limits."
Larry turns his head, "Now I know why a case of beer was invented."
Moe grits his teeth, "She is the King’s daughter."
Ugla flashes her castle-top teeth smile, "Which one of you is my date?"
Larry pushes Doug up front, "Here’s a Martian for ya."
Doug pulls Moe forward, "Here’s a Beatle."
Moe yanks Larry by the hair, "No, here’s a porcupine."
Ugla grabs the "lucky" one and drags him off to her lair.
Doug’s voice fades as his heels leave deep ruts in the dirt, "Moe! Larry! I feel like a male black widow. Waaaahh!"
Blackie pounds his fist in the arm of his chair so hard he leaves an imprint of it. "That aint Lancelot."
Blackie and his henchmen run over to Lancelot’s corner.
"Hi Bbbblackie."
"Where’s Lancelot?"
"Well. Umm. He’s…"
"If your Lancelot does not win the fight, you three will be the headless horsemen."
Doug is losing to Black Knight. Bad.
Guinevere throws a rock toward the judge and
Moe and Larry drag Doug to the sidelines by his feet. "Saved by the belle."
After intermission…
Doug comes out throwing handfuls of honey at the Black Knight.
"Haw haw! Ouch! That hurts. Haw haw haw."
As the honey floweth, the Black Knight stomps on Doug’s chest.
"And now, before I run you through, do you have any last words?"
"No, but you might."
"What??"
"Yes, I will recite the Bible, King James version. ‘In the beginning…’"
"Enough!" Black Knight raises his mighty sword with both hands to skewer poor Doug…"
"What the? Get off of me you stupid bear! Let me go!"
"Another one? Scrammeth you bears. Scrammeth! I am not a beehive!"
Moe rests his forearms on his knees as he sits and watches the end of the big fight. "Ole! Look at all them bears. You would think they have not eaten for a year!"
"Haaaaallllp! Get these bears off of me!"
A relieved Doug remarks, "They are just out of hibernation – and are they hungry."
Larry leaps out of his chair. "Look! The Black Knight rolled into my garden. Get out of there you overstuffed potato!"
The saga continues. <screeeech>
Epilogue
Sir Lancelot gathers his knights around the round table and announces, "Doug has saved our kingdom from the wrath of the Black Knight. We therefore and with do, promise to go straight…after one last bender at the pub."
The more things stay the same the more they change.
@
© Feb, 2004, Doug DePrenger