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224 - Sillies and Hillbillies

Moe, Larry, and Shemp meet the Beverly Hillbillies.

Scene I

Camera is focused on the front of Sam’s Boutique Grocery store on 5th Avenue in Beverly Hills.

“Aaaaaaaaand stay out!!!”

Three scraggly Stooges are thrown out on the sidewalk, one at a time, through the front door of Sam’s Grocery. MLS get up and brush themselves off.

Larry sums up their career with Sam’s: “Well, that’s another job that did not work out.”

Moe wags his finger at Shemp: “If you hadn’t made Sam mad, we would still be working.”

Shemp defends himself: “All I did was try to cut costs.”

Moe: “Yeah, but you don’t know how to hatch eggs.”

“A hen sits on them. Why can’t I sit on them?”

“Because you don’t have feathers, you featherbrain. Besides, you broke several dozen eggs.”

“He IS a chicken.”

Shemp gets in a boxing stance and dances around like a prizefighter: “I ain’t afraid of you! C’mon, put ‘em up. I’ll win!”

Moe stands coolly in front of Shemp and points out: “The ends of your fingers are dirty.”

Shemp stops shuffling. “They are??”

Shemp looks at the end of his fingers. Moe pushes his arm so he ends up poking himself in the eyes. <doink!>

Moe turns and glares at Larry: “You! Your time-saving idea was no good, either.”

"Your idea didn’t work out either. Serving eggs and powdered bacon in the deli."

“You’re just jealous.”

“That poor Susan, nice lady...was trying to incorporate your moronic idea in the deli.”

“You know I can’t read good. I got a box of powdered bacon and poured it on the eggs.”

“Yeah, but it turned out you were putting baking powder on eggs. Yuucchh!”

“What’s wrong with that? You can eat and whiten your teeth at the same time!”

Moe: “Laugh this off, funny man.” Moe eye pokes Shemp.

“How about my luminous idea to eliminate bellhops carrying out bags to customer’s cars?”
”Oh, yeah. That went over great until you ran the forklift through Cindy’s car window.”

“I had to avoid hitting the lady with the baby carriage.”

“Whoever heard of using a forklift to carry out grocery carts to cars?”

“Why not? That way I can carry three customer’s carts out at the same time.”

“How about two?” Moe holds up two fingers.

Larry, “That’s easy!”

“You’re right!”

 

Larry laments: “C’mon, it’s back on the road to nowhere.”

MLS start walking down the street with no particular place to go.

 

Jethro, Ellie May, and Jed are cruising in their truck down Main street while Granny is at home making lunch. Jethro points to the sidewalk: “Hey, Uncle Jed, there are three worthless, uneducated, stupid, hick bums! Maybe they can help.”

“Where did you learn talk like that?”

Jethro pipes up, “My eighth grade teacher calls me words like that all the time!”

Matriarch Jed: “Ok, boy. Pull over and ask them.”

Jethro jerks the steering wheel on the ’21 Oldsmobile truck, pulls over to the curb and knocks down a parking meter. MLS hear the crash and turn around to see what happened.

Jed: “Gentlemen.”

MLS look around.

Jed: “No, you. Could you come out to our house and help with some chores?”

MLS spot Ellie. Shemp gets animated and starts running around in circles on the sidewalk.

Larry howls like a wolf.

Moe growls like a tiger.

Ellie: “Can you boys help us?”

Larry makes himself look presentable. Moe slicks down his hair. All three run into each other trying to get to Ellie...I mean the truck.

Moe announces: “We’d be glad to help.”

Ellie: “Hop in!”

MLS all try to get in at the same time. All three fall down on the pavement.

Jed says to himself: “They must have some of Jethro’s blood in ‘em”

Finally MLS end up in the back seat with Ellie.

 

After a few minutes of driving...

 

“Yaaaaaa!!” Larry leaps into the front seat on Jed’s lap. He points to the back seat: “A giant rat!”

Ellie: “No, that’s one of my critters. His name is Homer. He’s a possum. I am still trying to find Terry the Tarantula.” Ellie is looking under the seat cover and down on the floor. “He’s around here somewhere”

Moe and Shemp glance at each other with a worried look.

Jed informs Larry: “Uh, son. You’ll have to move”

Jed picks up a frightened Larry out of his lap and tosses him in the back seat.

Scene II

Jethro stops in front of the house. Everyone gets out of the car.

MLS and Jed are standing in the entrance hall. Moe is admiring the sculptures, Larry is admiring the paintings, and Shemp is admiring Ellie.

The fancy doorbell chimes out several notes of a famous concerto.

Shemp asks: “What is that sound?”

Jed shrugs his shoulders, “I don’t know. But every time it occurs, someone ends up knocking on the front door.”

Jed: “See, I told you.”

Jed answers the door.

“Weeeell, Mr. Drysdale. C’mon in. Want some lunch? We’re havin goat’s head soup and possum ribs. Plenty for everybody.”

Mr. D. rushes in. “Hello Mr. Clampett. I need you to sign some papers.”

“What fer?”

“To transfer money into a CD.”

“Jethro! What is a CD?”

“Oh, they come after AB. I learnt that last year.”

Mr. Drysdale, “No, no. A CD is where you keep your money.”

“I thought I was keepin’ my money in your bank.”

“Well, Mr. D knows what’s best for my money.”

Mr. D dons his possessive smile, “Yes. It is best in my bank.”

Jed signs the papers as quickly as Mr. Drysdale puts them in front of him.

Mr. D runs out of papers: “Oh, I forgot some of the papers down at the bank. Can you come down and sign them tomorrow?”

“Sure can.”

Jed wonders: “Where are you going so fast, Mr. D?”

Mr. D: “I have to find someone to recarpet my front office. The company I hired went out of business.”

Moe jumps up: “We’ll do it as a special accommodation.” He turns and looks at Larry and Shemp who do not look excited. Moe picks up an iron skillet and taps it on his hand: “Won’t we?”

Shemp, staring at the skillet and picturing it coming down on his head, gulps “Um, yes. You’ve convinced us.”

Moe pounds Shemp on the head with the skillet.

Shemp rubs his new bump, “What was that for? I didn’t do anything!”

“That is why you got initiated.”

Larry figures he is next so he starts feather dusting the artwork.

Moe conks him on the head.
”Owwww! What was that for? I AM doing something.”

“Just in case you don’t later.”

Jed tells Mr. D: “We’ll be at the bank tomorrow morning.”

Mr. D escorts himself out the front door, in a hurry: “Goodbye, Mr. Clampett.”

“Goodbye, Mr. Drysdale.”

 

Granny rings the dinner bell.

MLS in unison echo throughout the house their favorite word: “Foooooodddddd!”

MLS come a runnin’ into the kitchen and find Jethro is already started stuffing his face with vittles. Shemp picks up a bowl of soup and gulps it down.

“That was delicious. What was it?” Shemp wipes his mouth with his sleeve then sets the empty bowl on the kitchen table.

Granny: “My special recipe...Possum Stew steamed with Fatback.”

Shemp crinkles his face and turns a whiter shade of pale.

Larry suspiciously inspects his bowl of soup. Suddenly a claw comes out and latches on his nose. “Yeeooww! Hey Moe, my soup is eating me!”

Larry jumps up and runs around the kitchen with a crawdad hanging from his nose. Granny yanks it off and throws it back in the soup pot.

“Get back in there, you stupid crawdad.” Granny blushes: “I guess the soup ain’t cooked enough.”

Moe tucks a napkin under his chin, brushes off his arms, and grabs his fork and knife. He is ready to stab his food with his fork when a monkey snatches his serving from him and runs off.

Moe protests, “That ape! He took my dinner.”

Jethro comes up between servings and says with his mouth full, “I would too. You’re eating off his favorite plate.”

Moe puts down his silverware and pushes his plate away, “I’ve lost my appetite.”

Ellie: “Be nice to Godzilla. He’s sensitive.”

“Ellie, keep your critters out of the kitchen while our guests eat.”

“Ok, Granny.”

Granny brings over some more meat. “Here ya go, Moe.” She slops it down on his plate.

Moe carves it up into little pieces then starts eating.

Moe complements Granny: “This is good.” Moe munches down the last bite when Granny answers: “That was babyback raccoon ribs. I hope I got all the fur off.”

Granny shuffles food around in the refrigerator, “Whar is the slab of beef I was thawing out?”

Jethro, “I et it in between breakfast and my first official snack.”

Granny, “It was still frozen.”

Jethro, “Oh, I thought it was undercooked. It was hard to chew.”

Moe, “We’ve had a long day. It is time to retire for the night.”

Moe drags Larry by the ear who drags Shemp by the hair out of the kitchen and up the staircase.

Scene III

MLS are sleeping soundly in the guest room.

“OWWWWw!!!”

MLS jump up. “Whaa whaa whaat was that?” They are all looking around the dimly lit room quickly.

Ellie pokes her head in the door. “Don’t mind the wolves. They do that every night.”

MLS eventually doze off.

 

Later...

 

Larry wakes up and shakes Moe. “Wake up and go to sleep. You snore too loud.”

Moe slaps Larry. “You platypus puss. I was having a nice romance and you spoiled it.” Moe pounds Larry again. Moe and Larry drift back to sleep.

All three are snoring causing Ellie’s wolves to howl again.

 

In the morning...

 

Larry wakes up and stretches. “Hey, where’s Shemp?”

Moe glances around. “I don’t know. I hear him, though.”

Moe looks out the window. “There’s Shemp! He’s asleep in the gutter.” Moe climbs out on the roof in his bare feet and conks Shemp on the nose. “Wake up, warthog.”

Shemp: “I must have rolled over in my sleep.”

Moe and Shemp climb back in the house.

 

Scene IV

Everyone is around the kitchen table having breakfast.

Granny is serving up vittles.

Jethro is on his third serving. “There is that noise again.”

Moe: “Sounds like a telephone.” as he points to a black thing with a dial on it.

Jethro is on his fourth serving: “Will it help me pick up girls?”

Moe assures him: “If you use it right.”

Jethro tears the phone out of the wall.

Jed: “Where are ya going?”

Jethro: “I’m taking this and going out to pick up women.”

Larry, “But...”

Jethro runs out front, jumps in the old family truck, lays the telephone on the front seat, and leaves for parts unknown.

 

Scene V

MLS and Jed are standing in the front of the house, soaking up the morning sun.

 

Jed asks the Stooges: “Y’all ready to go to the bank?”

MLS have their carpet laying tools at their side, “We’re ready.”

Jed leads them down the sidewalk. Shemp catches up to Jed: “How far is the bank?”

Jed walks like he is on a mission: “Only about ten miles. We’ll be there before sundown.”

Moe is apprehensive: “Umm. Can’t we drive?”

Jed: “Jethro has the truck. Besides, it’s a nice day for a stroll.”

After five hours they finally arrive at the bank. MLS collapse inside and fall asleep.

Jed tells the secretary: “Let the boys sleep.”

 

Scene VI

Larry and Shemp are recarpeting the front office while Moe is busy supervising.

 

Shemp, “How come...”

Moe conks him on the head with a tack hammer, “Because. Get to work.”

Mrs. Drysdale barges in without knocking.

“Milburn!” Mrs. D looks around for Mr. D. She spots MLS. “Who are you? The garbage men?”

Moe won’t stand for that comment: “Listen here, you old bat. I have a piece of advice for you.”

MD rolls her eyes: “What could it ever be?”

Moe: “This!” Moe twists Mildred’s nose like a ratchet then he eye pokes her while Shemp crawls up and pounds several carpet tacks in her foot. Larry pulls out a tuft of her hair.

“Yeeeoowww!” Mrs. D. dances around holding her foot.

Miss Jones, the secretary from Texas, smiles and turns on the radio. “Looks like the Texas two-step!” Barn dance music starts up. Larry and Shemp are do-see-do square dancing around Mrs. D. Moe and Miss Jones are clapping to the beat. “Yeee hawww!”

 

After a few minutes of hootenanny...

 

Mrs. D turns off the radio. She pulls a pair of pliers out of her purse and tries to yank out the tacks.

Mrs. D cries: “These tacks won’t come out”

Shemp looks at them. “They went in. They must be income tacks.”

Moe opens Mrs. D’s purse, pulls out a mallet, conks Shemp on the head, and puts it back. “Thanks.”

MD: “Well, I never! I’ll have you hooligans thrown out of California.”

Mrs. D. storms out of the office and slams the door behind her as she leaves.

 

A few minutes later Mr. Drysdale comes out of his office reading some papers.

 

Without looking up he says: “Miss Jones. I’m expecting my wife soon.”

MJ: “Oh, she was just here. Your carpet layers made short work of her. She ran out of here mumbling some awfully bad words.”

Mr. D: “Boys. Front and center!”

MLS jump up and stand at attention in front of Mr. Drysdale.

“At ease. What did you do to Mrs. Drysdale?”

Moe grabs Larry by the shirt. “This!” Moe twists Larry’s nose then eye pokes him.

Shemp chimes in: “I did this!” He picks up a hammer and smashes Larry’s foot.

Moe: “I finished her off like this.” Moe rips out some of Larry’s hair.

Mr. D’s mouth is wide open.

Moe defends his actions: “She insulted us. We may not be GQ quality but we are humans with brains.”

Moe looks at Shemp and Larry.

Moe amends his statement: “Well, we are human.”

Mr. Drysdale has a sly smile on his face as he walks into his office. “Ok boys. Back to work.”

 

“Stick ‘em up!”

A masked bandit barges into the front office waving a 357 Magnum gun around. “Get on the floor. Now!”

Everyone dives to the floor.

“You in the suit. What’s the safe combination?”

“Ummm. I don’t know.”

Bandit sticks the barrel of the gun in Drysdale’s mouth.

“What is the combination?”

“34-4-33-81-833. The combination to my bike is 18-1-44. My Mother’s locker combination is 11-4-33. My...”

“Shut up!!!”

Larry asks with his face to the floor: “Is that thing loaded?”

Bandit: “Is it loaded? I’ll show you loaded.”

Mr. D cringes.

Bandit gets in his best Clint Eastwood stance then shoots up all the statues in the office.

Moe turns his head slightly, “Pssst. Shemp. Give him treatment number 4a.”

Shemp stands up: “Hey, bank robber? You’re a no-good worthless creep.”

Bandit turns around: “What??? How would you like to eat lead?”

“Come over hear and say that, you pet rock.”

Bandit walks on Mr. Drysdale then over to Shemp.

“Ok, brave boy....” “Owwww!!!!” Bandit jumps around holding his foot. Moe has hit him in the knee with a tack hammer. Shemp swings at him and misses but he punches Larry in the eye, instead. Larry falls down. Moe pounds Bandit several times on the foot with a hammer. Then Shemp puts Bandit’s head in the door and slams it. Larry crawls over and bites him in the leg.

<yeeoowww!> Bandit flings the gun in the air - it does a few spins then comes down and bonks him on the head. He is out cold.

 

Larry checks to see if the coast is clear; it is; so he gets up and straightens out his clothes. Moe and Shemp follow suit. Mr. D stands up and praises MLS.

“You boys saved Jed’s millions...I mean you saved the bank. How can I ever repay you?”

“MILBURN!”

“I think I know...”

Mrs. D walks in with two husky policemen right behind her then points to MLS. “I want those dirtbags arrested and hung.”

“But dear!”

“Don’t ‘but dear’ me. Look what they did!” Mrs. D shows Mr. D a clump of hair.

“You can stuff our mattress with it or you can save that for our scrapbook. These fine Americans saved the First National Bank of Beverly Hills from being robbed.”

“I don’t care! Electrocute them.”

“Here. Take your nerve pills. You have had a rough day.” Mr. D stuffs Mildred with several sleeping pills. She gulps them down with water.

“Ok, officers. Everything is fine.”

“Ok. Mr. D. Goodbye.” The two cops tip their hats and leave.

Mrs. D passes out in the secretary’s chair.

Moe tells Mr. D: “We’ll finish the carpet tomorrow. We have a five hour walk home.”

“Oh, boys. I’ll give you a lift,” offers Mr D.

Jed: “That’s mighty nice of you, but we can walk.”

MLS surround Mr. D and in unison accept his offer, “No. NO. We’ll take the lift.”

Shemp, “How is he gonna carry all of us at the same time?”

“In his car.”

 

Scene VII

Mr. D and Jed are in the front while MLS are in the back seat of Mr. D’s new burgundy Cadillac.

 

Larry rolls down the back window to let in some fresh air and a wasp.

“EEEeeeeee! A hornet!” Shemp yells. He opens the tool bag and hauls out a carpet knife.

Shemp slashes at the hornet, slicing pieces of Mr. Ds car seat.

“Hey! What is going on back there?”

“Nothing we can’t handle.”

Larry finds a monkey wrench and swings it, trying to off the hornet but he cracks the back passenger window.

“Oops”

“What was that sound?” Mr. D starts to look in the back but hears blaring horns and gets back to driving.

Moe grabs a lead pipe and swings it wildly at the little pest. He misses and conks Jed in the side of the head putting him out for the night. Mr. D turns around and cannot believe what he sees, “My car!”

Mr. D yanks on the steering wheel, swerves, and sideswipes another car.

“My car!”

The wasp lands on the back window next to Shemp. Moe creeps up on the hornet and smashes the window along with the hornet.

Mr. D turns around again. He is furious! “My car!”

“Shaddup.” Moe tries to calm him down. He points to a spot on the broken window: “Look Mr. D! We finished off the hornet. He won’t horn in on you again.”

Moe looks at the lead pipe: “Guess I don’t need this anymore.” He tosses toward the open window next to an awakening Jed. Jed rolls over and hits the “window up” button. The pipe doesn’t make it out the window – it bounces off the window then bounces off Jed’s head. Jed is back in dreamland.

Mr. D audibly grinds his teeth the rest of the way to Jed’s house. When they arrive, MLS carry Jed inside. They slam the door and lock it before Mr. D can follow them in.

“Are you ok, Jed?” inquires Shemp, using the wrench as a fan over Jed’s face.

Moe takes the wrench from Shemp: “Waddya mean ok?” Moe pounds Shemp on the head with the wrench.

Jed wakes up with a cauliflower ear. Granny gets an ice bag and tends to the swollen ear.

Larry, in an uplifting voice, announces: “A wasp was the culprit but we brought him to justice.”

Epilogue

The family truck races through the front gate. Jethro pulls up to the front door of the house and jumps out before the truck comes to a complete stop. A nice niece is in the front seat, slouched down against the door. Jed and Granny come out to greet him.

“Who is your friend?” asks Jed, rubbing his sore ear.

Jethro is excited: “Moe was right.” Jethro holds up the telephone. “This thing is great for picking up girls. Seeee! Look what I got.” Jethro points to the babe in the front seat.

Jed eyes her over. “She has a big bump in her head.”

“When the phone hit her, she took one look at me and said ‘Oh my God’. Then she passed out in my arms. Yaahooo!!! I’ll marry her next week.”

“Boy, that is not the way to date women. Take her back from whenst she came.”

“But Uncle Jed!”

“Do as I say, boy.”

“Gosh darn it. Every time I hitch on to some dame, something always happens.”

Jethro grinds the gear into first and drives away, sulking.

Jed and Granny walk back into the house.

“Someday, I’m gonna hafta teach that boy about the birds and the bees.”

Granny, “And women, too.”

@

© 2001 Doug DePrenger

Episode 17

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