215 - KISS and Makeup
Moe, Larry, and Curly – roadies for KISS
Scene I
Moe, Larry, and Curly are in their house; bored...and out of work.
Moe is daydreaming, looking out the frosted, front window, “We need new scenery.”
“You can look out a different window,” advises Curly.
Curly wanders over to check on Larry, who is relaxing in his easy chair thumbing through a new magazine. Curly bends down to look at the front of it. “Whatcha reading, Larry?”
“’Guitars and Bars’. A magazine about bands.”
“I’m an expert on bands,” announces Curly.
“Really?” pipes up Larry. “Which ones? The Beatles? Metallica?”
“No, rubber.”
Larry conks Curly on the head with the magazine. “Go find your own entertainment.”
Curly flips through National Geographic admiring the pictures with a few ooos and ahhhs but not reading anything. He stops and shows a picture to Moe, “I want to see that big tower in Paris.”
“Why do you want to see the Eiffel tower?”
“To get an eyeful of the tower.”
M With the usual frown on his face, just before Curly is in trouble, Moe says, “How would you like to see the eyeful of fingers?”
“Sure! I’ve never been there. Where’s that?”
“Here!”
Curly rubs his eyes, “I guess I have been there.” L
Larry puts down his magazine. “Why don’t we work for a band?”
Curly, “Yeah. We can become toadies.”
“You mean roadies. That means free travel, free food, free concerts, aaaaaand free chicks. All we have to do is set up a few speakers then live off the fat of the land.”
“Free food? That’s for me!” says an excited Curly, rubbing his rotund stomach like a genie in a bottle.
“We’ll form a corporation: Moe, Larry, Curly – Helpless Helpers, Inc.”
Moe drags Larry by the hair who drags Curly by the collar out the door and into the garage.
“Oh, Buddha. You drive.”
Curly gets in and looks around with a quizzical facial expression. Then he gets excited and frantically looks in the glovebox. “Moe. Moe! Someone stole our steering wheel!”
Moe bonks Curly on the head with his fist. “You moron. You’re in the passenger seat. Scoot over to the driver’s seat.”
Scene II
MLC are in a run-down old brick school house covered with ivy applying for a roady job.
Curly marks a few answers then stands up and protests, “Hey, these interview questions are hard.”
“What? Let me see the question.”
Curly drags his desk up to the front and shows Ivan Interviewer the problem.
“You dope! You are answering the graffiti on the desk. Here is your questionnaire.” Ivan shoves a one-page sheet in Curly’s face.
After about 3 minutes...
Curly gives the interviewer his answer sheet – Moe and Larry are still working on theirs.
“That was awfully quick.”
The interviewer suspiciously grabs the paper from Curly and puts the answer template over the sheet.
“What the?” Ivan shakes his head in disbelief. “Congratulations. You got all the questions right. You are pretty smart.”
“Gee, thanks.” Curly finishes the interview with a deep bow to thank his host but bonks his head on the desk. Woozy, he turns to walk away but falls over a chair and lands with his head in a small trashcan. He stands up and tries to pry his new hat off. After stumbling around and knocking over a few more chairs, he runs into the wall and falls backwards on the ground.
The interviewer is now very skeptical about this ‘genius’; he takes a closer look at Curly’s answer sheet...
No wonder he got them all right.
“Curly! Front and center.”
Curly dashes through the new door, steps up to the front of the classroom and salutes the instructor. “Yes sir.”
“Why did you darken every single answer on the page?”
“To make sure I darkened the correct ones.”
“What? You are supposed to circle only the correct ones.”
“It didn’t say that in the directions. It said to circle the correct ones...which I did. It said nothing about circling the wrong ones.”
Interviewer thinks, “Hmmm. Maybe he is the smart one.”
Desperate for roadies, Ivan tells the Stooges the good news: “Ok boys, you start tomorrow.”
Scene III
In Madison, Wisconsin at the Hyena Arena – several big rigs with the trailer doors flung open are parked nearby, the stage is scattered on the ground in a thousand pieces, the roadies are scattered on the ground waking up from their last night binge.
Bud “Draft” Miller, the roady fuehrer is showing the Stooges the ropes.
“Now this rope is used to pull the lighting to the side while this other rope is used to keep the stage front from collapsing. Do you understand?”
“Um. Er. Well...”
“Good. We need to start plugging in the equipment and do a sound check.”
Pointing to a scaffold, Bud breaks Larry in on the job. “Hey, porcupine. Climb up that and plug in the speaker.”
Larry looks all the way up and all the way down: “You, yooouu mean all the way up there?”
Bud points up the ladder and says in a stern voice, “Yeah, now get goin!”
Larry grabs the speaker wire in his teeth and slowly starts to climb up the scaffold, looking down every few steps. Bud starts up his blowtorch and speeds up the process.
Sitting down in the pilot’s seat, Curly is looking over the mixing system with the curiosity of a cat.
“Look at all these adjusters. Hmmm. I wonder what this knob does. Maybe I can see who won the third race at Churchill Downs.”
Curly turns the master volume control to 10 (as high as it will go).
Larry, meanwhile, plugs in the guitars.
He looks around for witnesses; seeing none, he decides, “I think I’ll strum a song”
“Way down upon the Suwannee River.”
Curly, “Hmm. I wonder where I plug in the guitar cord.” He looks around. “Oh, there’s an outlet.”
Bull the Dozer, the tall-tale goon who always sleeps on the job, is sleeping.
“Hey, goon. Where do I plug this in?”
“Oh, into this wall socket? Thanks!”
Curly is WAY up in a speaker tower trying to figure out how to get a wire to an adjacent tower.
“I know!”
“Ahahahaha aahahhaha” (Tarzan sound)
Curly swings from tower #1 to tower #2 via the speaker cable.
Bud watches Curly’s Tarzan act with disgust. He turns on the bullhorn and yells out: “You muttonhead! Stop acting like Tarzan and get those speakers wired. The show starts in half an hour.”
“I’m hungry. I’ll order a pizza.”
Curly picks up a microphone and starts fiddling with the controls.
“Hello, Flamethrower Pizza? I’d like a large pepperoni pizza delivered to the Hyena Arena at 4th and Galena.”
Curly listens in on a set of headphones twiddling several knobs and hears a clear answer.
“Ok. We’ll be there in 5 seconds.”
“That’s what I call fast delivery.”
GetStoned (that’s what it says on his T-shirt) conks Curly with a guitar.
“You imbecile. You can’t order a pizza over a PA system.”
“Did you set up the left bank of speakers like I told you?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Oily, another roadie, decides to investigate. He climbs the right scaffold and inspects the wires.
A frustrated voice yells out from atop a tower, “HEY! The speakers are still in their cases.”
Curly quickly explains to the foot-tapping, crossed-armed, frowning GetStoned, “Idecidedtosavetime. Whyshouldweunpackthemthenpackthemupagain?”
“One more trick like that and you’ll have plenty of time...you’ll be fired for insubordination. Now go in back of the truck marked “Drums” and unpack the drum sticks.”
After a half an hour...
Bud walks in on Curly and sees a big pile of wood shavings next to him.
“What are you doing?”
Curly holds up a drumstick, “These toothpicks are too big. I’m whittling them down to the correct size. I need one bad.”
Moe gives Bud a tire iron to knock some sense into Curly.
Bud barks out an order to MLC, “You three. Come into my office immediately.” He turns around and disappears.
While waiting for MLC, Bud picks lint off his black pants. He drums the desk with his fingers. He stands up then sits down a few times. He waits...and waits...and waits.
“Where are those idiots?” He shoves his executive chair back which slams into the wall, gets up and storms out the door to look for MLC.
He spots them hunched over a map, arguing with each other.
“A map? OOOoooooo”
He sneaks up to them and overhears:
“No, you spell office O-F-I-S-S”
“There are not two S’s in office.”
“I’ll bet we take this road.” Curly points to a straight blue line near the middle of the map.
“Look under streets instead of avenues.”
“Not there, either.”
Curly, “Call information.”
Bud throws his fists in the air and yells until he is hoarse, “You idiots! Why can’t you find my office?”
“We are looking for it on the map. Do you know the coordinates?” Curly points to the unfolded map of Florida.
“We found Orlando and Ormond Beach and Lake Okefenokee but not Office.”
Bud starts up his blowtorch and roasts the map.
An infuriated Bud slams down his blowtorch, “You’re fired as roadies. You are being promoted to sanitation engineers.”
“What’s that?”
“Garbage picker-uppers. Go pick up the garbage in the dressing rooms.”
Bud jumps up and down on his blowtorch until it is a flat piece of metal.
An hour later Curly walks into Bud’s office and presents him with his findings.
“Here is all the garbage I could find.” Several rolls of toilet paper and a candy wrapper are dumped on the main desk.
Bud cannot believe it. “What dressing rooms did you clean?”
Curly blushes. “Only the ones that said ‘Men’ on them.”
“AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Those are porta-potties! Not dressing rooms! Get out of here!”
Bud stands up and bangs his head on a Tiffany overhead lamp. He watches Curly make a hasty exit then he falls forward and bangs his head on his mahogany desk. Poor Bud. He lets out a long breath and sinks his head in his hands.
Scene IV
In KISS’s dressing room...
The exhausted Ace Frehley collapses on the couch: “I’m tired of these road trips.”
An equally exhausted Gene Simmons falls into a Lay-Z-Boy recliner agrees: “Let’s get someone to take our places for the rest of the tour.”
“Yeah, then we can have some fun!”
“Who would be stupid enough to take our place?”
Gene opens the door and is knocked in the face a few times.
“Oops. Wrong door.” Larry announces: “We’re here to pick up the trash and clean up the place.”
Curly turns to Moe and says: “Did I miss the garbage?”
Moe: “No, jump right in.”
Ace and Gene look at each other. Hmmm.
Curly picks up a trash can to empty it. He spots an uneaten hamburger near the bottom, grabs it, and gobbles it down, wrapper and all.
Larry stares at a can labeled ‘trash’ then points to it and inquires, “Is garbage in here?”
Ace rolls his eyes. “No, we keep our tax returns there.”
Moe empties the trash in his backpack as Ace watches. “We’re going to the hardware store, later. We’ll return your tacks.”
Gene’s jaw drops in disbelief.
The hamburger fixins catch up with Curly: <Hotttt!! Hottt!!!> Curly snatches a jug of water sitting on the floor and chugs it.
(gurgling sound)
Ace apologizes, “Oh yeah, I put jalapenos on that hamburger.”
Curly gets down on the floor and runs around like a rotor crying out “woo woo woo.” Smoke is pouring out of his mouth.
“He looks like a chicken with its head cut off.”
After Curly cools down...
“Boy, is this desktop dirty. I’ll clean it.”
Gene pats the side of the roll top, “This is my antique desk from Louis the Sixteenth.”
Larry, “I have an antique desk at home from Sears the Roebuck.”
Curly squirts a heavy coat of ‘RemoveAll’ on top of the brown desk. After a few minutes of foaming, Curly sings to himself while wiping up the remains. “She was bred in Old Kentucky but she’s just a crumb up here.”
Gene’s eyes about pop out of his head, “My desk! It is bare wood!”
The smilin’ Curly agrees, “Yeah! I got rid of that dirty brown stuff on the top.”
“You moron! That was the finish! Ooooooo” With a nasty look in his face, Gene picks up a microphone stand and stalks Curly.
Ace jumps up and pacifies his friend, “Calm down Gene.”
Moe, Larry, and Curly have a huddle and whisper their next move.
Curly gets down in a three-point stance over the garbage can. Larry is right next to him.
Moe barks out the count, “42. 33. 7. hike!”
Curly snaps the can to Moe who goes back a few steps and cocks his arm.
Gene and Ace are watching in wonder, their heads spinning from watching Curly running around the desk several times with Larry close behind (shown in fast motion)
Finally, Moe throws the can at Curly – it goes over his head and crashes through the glass door.
Moe yells at Curly, “Now look what you did!” Moe bonks Curly on the head with his fist.
Ace and Gene are turning red with anger.
After resting and straightening up the lean-back chair, Larry spies a picture on the desk and remarks on its contents, “I’d better have another drink. I can still see her face.”
Ace: “That’s Gene’s girlfriend.”
“YOU’RE FIRED! YOU ARE ALL FIRED!” Gene flings his fists up several times in frustration while running around the room like a lunatic waving a wrench.
Ace leans over and whispers to Gene: “No, don’t fire them. I think we’ve found our replacements.”
Gene calms down then whispers back, “I think you’re right. I couldn’t invent anyone dumber than them.”
Ace gives the Stooges an offer: “How would you, um, geniuses, like to take our place as singers?”
Curly leaps up, places his hand on his chest, and belts out: “Figaro, figaro, figaro!”
Gene: “No, you dillweed. Not opera; Rock.”
Ace fills in: “All you do is have to dress up like us and lip sync.”
“Oh, sing without singing - like they do in Sing Sing. For if they sing in Sing Sing, they sing their song of sixpence for a six pack, see?”
Curly puts his hand on his chest and belts out his best aria: “ “
Ace rejoices: “Perfect!”
“How do we act when we’re on stage?”
“Watch us tonight instead of sleeping. The singer runs around fondling the microphone then screams in it. The lead guitarist kicks his legs a lot, runs around like he has ants in his pants, and crouches down low periodically. The bassist stands like a statue in the corner and bounces his head back and forth, like those toys with the spring heads. The drummer wears a tank top and acts like he hits the drums twenty times when in reality he hits them a few times.”
“Sounds easy. We only have three of us.”
“Our friend Jason will be lead guitarist.”
“Jennifer will lead you to your new quarters.”
“Can’t we get paid in old dollars?”
“First thing, we need to put on your makeup.”
“Makeup? I’m not a poof.”
“No, you dolt. It’s part of the act. We put on makeup to look ‘different’”
Moe, “Oh, he’s different all right.”
Scene V
Show time!
Backstage, Ace gives the Stooges some advice, “Ok, this is your opening night. Don’t screw up.”
“You can count on us!”
“That is what I’m afraid of.”
MLC walk out on stage in front of 60,000 screaming fans and bright lights. They continue walking and waving until they fall off the front of the stage.
Ace slaps himself in the head but relaxes a little when the crowd laughs their heads off.
“Hmmm. They do bring a uniqueness to the act.”
Doorman won’t let them in, “Who do you think you are? A band member? Ahhhaaahahah! Only band members and the press are allowed in here. Waiters have to go through the front entrance. Ahaaahahaaha!”
Moe, Larry, and Curly huddle then disband.
A short time later...
Moe walks up and shows the guard his credentials, “Press.” The guard lets him in.
Larry does the same, “Press.” And he is let in.
Curly does the same, “Push.” And he is let in...until the guard realizes something is fishy.
“Hey! Push! Come back here!” The doughnut-a-day guard lumbers after Curly but is fighting a losing battle as Curly ducks away from him.
Near the end of the concert...
Larry the drummer, “Get out of here, fly!” He swats at it a few times with his drumstick. Fly keeps buzzing. Larry knocks over drums and cymbals going after the fly. “Come back here, you chicken!” The crowd cheers!
He’s on a mission.
Larry falls into the bass drum. Curly barks at the fly. Now it is bugging him. Curly spins around the stage several times trying to bite the fly. He picks up a wah-wah pedal and throws it at the fly; misses but the pedal goes into an amp speaker starting a crazy feedback noise.
Moe chases the fly, too. The fly lands on the ground near center stage. Moe sneaks up to it and is ready to flatten it with a fuzzbox when
Moe stands up and eye pokes Curly. Then he tries to eye poke the fly. Curly trips over the lighting cords and pulls down most of the main lighting – smashing the lights and causing sparks to fly all over. The crowd goes wild!
Curly picks up an amp head and throws it at the fly – missing and knocking out Jason. Moe swings the microphone at the pest (the fly, not Curly); he misses and the cord goes round and round and round Moe
“Curly, get me out of here!” yells Moe.
“You can’t get out?”
“NO!”
Curly comes over and plucks Moe’s eyebrows:
“She loves me!”
“She loves me not!”
“She loves me!”
“She loves me not!”
Moe butts Curly who falls backwards into the stack of amps; knocking them over and causing the remaining lights to flicker several times. The feedback is almost unbearable. The din of the crowd is increasing!
Larry gets up out of the bass drum but falls down on the drum structure, causing it to collapse in a heap of rubble.
Larry drags Jason to the stage front and flops him down then he, Curly, and the wrapped-up Moe go to the front of the stage and bow to the wildly cheering audience then walk off stage.
Backstage...
Ace congratulates MLC on their performance, “You boys did great! I didn’t think you could do it.”
“Neither did we.”
“Rooooaaarrrr!!!” Igor the accountant brings in a stack of papers.
“After adding up the credits and debits of tonights concert, MLC owe us 300 dollars.”
Moe walks up to Igor, “Here’s two.”
”That’s not enough!”
“Yes it is!”
“Scram!”
MLC woo woo woo out the door and off into the night.
© Copyright 2001 Doug DePrenger
Episode 19