Episode 198 - A Printing We Will Go
Short #198
Curly ends up as CEO of a big printer company.
Scene I
A big printer manufacturer's (BPM) board of directors has just elected Karl E. Wilson to replace the current CEO. No one, other than the directors, has met him. He is preparing an introduction tour around the country.
Karl E. is in a hurry. He articulates from his treadmill: "Take a memo. I will be visiting several sites around the country to introduce myself after a short 12-week vacation. Have them prepare an introduction meeting."
The secretary hurriedly prepares the memo and immediately sends it to several sites. It reads: "Curly, our new CEO, will be visiting your site soon. Please have everything in order."
Scene II
Moe, Larry, and Curly are living in San Diego trying to solve their perennial problem – being out of work. Moe is scouring the want ads while Larry and Curly help by watching TV.
A huckster comes on the TV: "Are you tired of not being wanted? We want you. Wanted. Printer repairmen. Good pay. Good benefits. Apply at Paul's Printers."
Larry is paying attention to the ad. He says to Curly: "Too bad we don't know how to repair printers."
Man on TV answers: "You say you don't know how to repair printers? We'll train you."
Curly: "Which train do we take?"
Man on TV: "You knucklehead. We'll teach you how to fix printers."
"Yaaaa! The TV is haunted."
"No, it's an RCA," says the Man on TV.
Moe watches the rest of the commercial then announces: "We're gonna be printer repairmen. Any questions?"
Curly has one: "But Moe, he said we had to pass an intelligence test. I don't even know how to spell 'intelligence'"
"S-M-A-R-T"
"Moe, you know I don't smoke"
"You don't even know how to act it. Any more questions?"
Larry starts in: "I think..."
"But Moe..."
At Paul's Printers...
"Do you know what resistors are?"
Larry, "Yes. All the women I dated."
Paul rolls his eyes.
MLC somehow get the job as printer repairmen. First assignment: go to BPM to pick up some parts.
Scene III
MLC pull up to the entrance at BPM on San Berdoo Center Drive in a Paul's Printers van.
Guard stops them: "Where are you headed?"
Curly leans over in the passenger seat and says: "I think we're headed north."
Moe gives him a conk on the head with his fist.
"Idiot! We're headed east."
The guard eye pokes Moe. "You're headed south."
Larry pipes up in the back seat: "Hallelujah, brother. We're from the South..."
Moe picks up a pipe from under the seat and
Guard inquires: "What is your name?"
"I'm Moe, this is Curly, and..."
Bill the guard immediately stands at attention. "OOOHHH! Curly! Our new CEO. Yes sir!! Yes SIR!"
He starts saluting continuously.
"I'll get your San Diego entourage right away!"
Bill the guard fumbles with the phone and makes a call, dropping the phone once. A few seconds later several suits with dark Wayfarers come running out of several buildings and descend on the van like ants drawn to honey.
"A clever disguise....using a repair van to sneak in. We have your lunch ready."
Curly loves the attention. "What did I order? Cancel it. We'll have pizza."
"Yes sir!" One of the suits flips open a cell phone, calls Round Table Pizza, and starts barking the order. Moe and Larry look at each other and shrug their shoulders.
Scene IV
After a short business review, several high level managers are enjoying lunch with Curly.
"So, Curly, what do you see as the future of the San Diego division?"
Curly is slowly realizing what he has dropped into.
"I think BPM should start making and promoting hi-tech surf boards. People can check their email while waiting for the next awesome wave. Skateboards can have built-in cell phone capability. Skateboarders can call for help when they break a limb then surf the Internet while waiting for the ambulance. Get the idea? BPM technology and fun, all in one. We'll have the 'All in Fun' division. All for fun. Fun for all. Every man for himself. We can..."
A follower cuts off Curly: "Yeah, mountain bikes can have slim all-in-one printers attached to them for office on the go."
Curly stares at Follower and adds: "We can have cellular printers so people who get fired can call the unemployment office then fax them their resume."
Follower catches on: "Ok, I'll shut up. I know when to shut up. I'll shut up right now. Shutting up is..."
Moe interrupts this babbler.
"Your right you'll shut up. You're fired!" yells Moe as he tosses Follower out the door.
"Who made you CEO?" says Curly.
Moe politely answers, "I'm sorry your honor," then stomps on Curly's foot under the table.
Curly winces.
"What's the matter CEO Curly?" asks several suits.
Curly clutches his foot: "I got a stabbing pain in my foot."
Curly stands up and announces:
"Our new message to the public:
BPM
Fun"
Scene V
Moe, Larry, and Curly are kicking back in Curly's corner office while several suits 'guard' the door.
"Ijet wannajet avehet unfet."
Curly looks confused: "Hey, what are you guys talking about?"
Moe and Larry smile at each other. "It's HogLatin"
"What? We're not on a farm."
"No, it's a secret way to talk. I'll explain it so even you can understand it."
"Larry, Arrylet. Moe. OeMet. Curly."
"CURLYCUE!" yells out Curly, triumphantly.
"No, imbecile! You're UmbDet"
"Oh, I'm UmbDet in hoglatin! CurlyUmbDet"
"You're UmbDet in any language"
"You're..."
"CurlyJet!" Curly blurts out.
One of the managers walking by the door picks up on this. "Yes, that will be our new BPM printer line...CurlyJet. We've been trying to come up with a name for several weeks. Thank you, CEO Curly!" The manager gleefully runs off into the sunset.
Curly confides in Moe. "Boy, I love being COE"
"It's CEO, onionhead."
"I'm CEO onionhead? I thought I was CEO Curly."
Mister mister the meddling middle manager drops by.
"CEO Curly, it's time for the parade of cubes."
Curly and his troops are quickly walking through CubeLand. Curly overhears a phrase "...Hey, let's put Curly on the plotter. Make him as big as possible..."
When the entourage gets to the front desk, Curly announces a five-minute break. Curly whispers to Moe: "Moe, I overheard someone wants to torture me. They want to put me on the plotter. That sounds worse than the rack. I don't want to end up seven feet tall!"
"You're the CEO. Have all the plotters rounded up and destroyed."
"Yeah, let's throw them in the ocean!" chimes in Curly.
Curly has all the plotters rounded up, put in a van, and blown up.
Scene VI
It's time for Curly's personal trainer. Curly is sitting in Manfred M. Mann the middle manager of the menagerie's office. They are discussing Manfred's middle name.
Curly asks: "What does the M stand for?"
"M"
"No, what does it stand for?"
"M"
"I'm losing my patience. What does M stand for?"
"M. My parents couldn't think of a good middle name, so I got saddled with M. as my middle name."
Manfred's phone rings. MMM answers: "Yes, he's here," and hands the phone to Curly.
"Yeah, what do you want?"
"Your personal trainer is here."
"Where do I meet him?"
"In the exercise room."
Curly hands up the phone. "Yeccch! I don't like to exercise...except stock options."
"C'mon sir. You need it."
Curly lumbers down to the gym for a workout.
"HI Curly! I'm so happy to train you." It's Mr. Cinnamons!
"I'm not putting on pink tights," orders Curly.
"Oh, you're so funny. Funny! Ok, warm up. Bend and stretch. Bend and stretch. Do like I do."
Curly bends over, trying to imitate RS, and wretches his back.
"Owwww. Ooooo, my back. I can't continue. I got a weak back."
"Fabulous! When did you get it?"
"Oh, about a week back," replies Curly.
Moe, with his familiar frown, picks up a dumbbell (not Curly) and walks towards Cinnamons.
"You're fired as Curly's personal trainer. Now get OUT!"
Moe is really mad. "I'll make you." He eye pokes Cinnamons, drops the dumbbell on his foot, conks him on the head with his fist, spins him around, picks him up by the shirt and pants and heaves him through the door. The door, which was shut, now has a hole the size of Cinnamons in it. Cinnamons is out in the hall, recovering from being thrown through the door. Moe tosses his workout bag into the hall, which lands on his head.
Scene VII
Moe, Larry, and Curly are aboard the corporate jet, heading to Boise, Idaho.
Curly is frustrated: "Moe, MOE. I need to get up and walk around but I'm stuck."
"Undo your seatbelt, Mr. CEO."
"Oh."
Curly stands up and stretches. He walks around aimlessly, glancing out the window now and again, while the manager's eyes follow him.
"Man, I'm thirsty," mumbles Curly as he's going through the bottles in the service cabinet.
"Oh, this looks good. Crown Royal. I've heard of that. It's Coke's competitor. Crown Royal Cola." Curly downs the whole bottle.
Curly staggers around the plane and ends up in the bathroom.
"This room must be for special guests, though it is cramped."
Curly looks around. "I wonder where the seatbelt is. There is none. I'll go back to my other seat."
In a few minutes...
"Hey, Schmow! What do ya know!" slurs Curly. He walks over to Moe, who is sleeping.
"I got two new ideas."
Moe groggily answers: "What?"
"This!" And Curly eye pokes Moe in the forehead.
Moe laughs. "You clod. You do it like this." Moe starts to eye poke Curly, but Curly beats him to it. "Owwwowwwoww"
"Serves you right, CEO. You poked yourself in the eyes."
"Hey porcupine, look!" Curly points behind Larry. Larry turns to see then Curly
"Heeeeheeeheee" laughs Curly.
"YEEoooWW! My beautiful hair," cries Larry.
"Oh, I'm sorry Larry. I'll get you some more." Curly reaches over to the nearest manager and helps himself to a big clump of his hair. Manager grits his teeth while Curly performs the operation; after all, he doesn't want to get fired by a drunk CEO 33,000 feet up. Curly kindly hands Larry his hair transplant. "Here ya go, shrubhead."
Curly is trying to read from the blurred annual report the cities that HP has sites in. "Shay, I don't like the Shingapore site. Shell it."
Several managers leap up and plead with Curly: "Why don't you like Singapore?"
"I can't ponounce it." Curly collapses into a chair and falls asleep.
After they land...
"Hey, Curly. Get up. We're in Boise."
"We are? I thought we were going to the beach."
"You have a strategy meeting with several managers in a few minutes."
"Hmmmm. Tell them to make home brewing kits and include fancy labels to be printed on our printers. Let's go back home."
"Don't you want to talk to them?"
"No. I just concluded the meeting. We're saving the company money by not meeting."
Scene VIII
Meanwhile, on the Isle of Stromboli at Club Med poolside...
"Phone call for Mr. Karl E. Wilson"
Karl E. begrudgingly acknowledges his identity: "Karl E., come quick. There is a gentleman, and I do use the term loosely, who is posing as CEO of HP. His name is Curly and everyone thinks he is the CEO. He has destroyed every plotter he could lay his hands on, he has AIO making surfboards with Ocean CE in it, he has V division making "Tortilla" printers, C division is making printer/scanner/fax/cell phone/web browser/bicycle and Boise is now making Barbie LaserJets and beer bottles."
"Oh no!"
"The problem is these products are having record sales! We can't build them fast enough."
"OH NO!"
"The annual election is coming up. He is in the lead in a straw poll 70% to 30%."
"OH NOOOO!"
Karl E. is steaming.
"Send the corporate jet right away and take me to headquarters."
"I can't. Curly has absconded it."
"What? Take me to the airport. NOW."
Karl E. boards the next Air Stromboli to Rome, then takes the next commercial jet home.
Scene IX
Karl E. is back in the States. Back at headquarters. Back in San Diego face-to-face with his arch nemesis: Curly.
"So you're CEO Curly."
<RuuufF!> Curly barks at his.
"I'm CEO Karl E.." (a lion's roar)
Curly looks at Moe and Larry. All three know the jig is up.
"I got something for you, Curly."
"Wha what?"
"This!" Karl E. eye pokes him, punches him in the stomach, and bonks him on the head with his fist.
"As for you two..." Karl E. bangs Moe and Larry's heads together. He picks up a pipe wrench and conks all three of them on the head.
"Time signal: 3 pm and 6 seconds. Now GET OUTTA HERE!" yells Karl E., shaking his fists in the air.
Moe, Larry, and Curly plow the door down and take off.
"Wow, I've never seen grown men run so fast," exclaims Karl E..
M
© Feb 2001, Doug DePrenger