199 - Abracadavera
Shemp inherits a lot of money...and a lot of trouble.
Scene I
On a nice summer day, Shemp is out in front of his modest white picket-fenced house, getting the mail from the postman. Moe and Larry are inside cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast.
Shemp runs into the house with a stack of mail. One letter is very interesting...
"I got a letter from cousin Shempetta. She says that Uncle Void died and left us some money."
An excited Larry leaps out of his chair and runs up to look at the letter, "When are they going to read the will?"
Shemp strokes his nubbley chin and ponders, "Wiiilll, I don’t know..."
Moe slaps him. "This is no time for jokes. Keep reading, if possible."
Shemp continues reading the letter, "It says here the will will be read by Will the willing executor at 8 P.M. EST tomorrow at the law offices of Slipp, Tripp, Nipp, and Skipp in the town of Pappaloosa."
"That is about an hour drive from here," says Moe, unfolding the state map.
Shemp and Larry are so happy they start dancing and singing around the kitchen table,
A don’t be late.
We’ll be there at eight.
Get the money.
For my honey.
When..."
Moe interrupts their duet, "Who do you guys think you are?"
Larry, "Why, we’re the two-man quartet. We play down at the fish market for the halibut. Get it?"
"No, but you’ll get it. Prepare for 81C," orders Moe.
"No Moe, not that! Not 81C."
Moe holds out both hands in eye poke stance: "81C!" Shemp and Larry run up and eye poke themselves.
Moe, "Now let’s get ready. We have a long day in front of us."
All three fall asleep at the kitchen table.
Scene II
Everyone concerned is at the law offices of Slipp, Tripp, Nipp, and Skipp:
Moe, Larry, Shemp, Yarri, Russell, Fred, Shempetta, and Moette.
Fred, of the Walrus sushi failure fame, asks, "When is the will going to be read?"
Shemp butts in, "As soon as I buy some red paint and..."
Moe grabs his nose and squeezes it, "Quiet titmouse."
Will the Executor clears his throat, "As soon as I pick it up and speak; which I’m doing right now."
"To my dingy daughter Moette, I leave twelve filing cabinets shaped like garbage cans. This is due to her insistence of buying last week’s lottery tickets – she claims she gets a good price on them. Her supplier, Consolidated Mann, or Con Mann for short, says they will print as many as she wants to buy, even though they are after the lottery is over. I’m glad I invested in Con Mann rather than my featherbrain daughter."
"And to my entrepreneur daughter, Shempetta, who tries to grow french fry trees in Boise, I leave my two bags of Felix’s Frozen French Fries which she can use as seeds for next year’s crop. Good luck, you turniphead."
"And to my one-ton son Russell, who goes through food faster than Madonna goes through men, I leave the sum total of 8 dollars – all in pennies, which I found in parking lots."
"And to my repulsive son, Yarri, who crinkles the wall paint when he enters a room, I leave the sum total of 79 cents – enough for a Halloween mask so he can function in society; more like society can function with him.
Will clears his raspy throat then continues,
"And finally to my nephew, Shemp, who got dealt a few less cards that Moette or Shempetta, the only one too stupid to do anything stupid, I leave $50,000 per year for the rest of his life."
Math whiz Larry, with a big smile on his face, calculates a few things on his abacus then jumps up, all excited, "That’s over a million dollars! That’s all the money in the world!"
"We get $50,000 per year for the rest of Shemp’s life." MLS do a few rounds of square dancing.
The executor cries out: "Wait! Wait! It has one condition...that Cousin Russell is alive. If he croaks or Shemp croaks, then Shemp’s money supply disappears and goes to Yarri, the second cousin twice removed from prison."
The second cousin, twice removed, glares at Shemp with an evil look in his eyes, two figurative horns grow out of his head, and rubs his hands together as if he has already inherited the money.
Shemp fearfully glances at Yarri several times.
"Rest of his life?" Yarri speaks, while looking directly at Shemp, "If you need anything, like the emergency number to the hospital, give me a call."
Mr. Slipp announces some good news, "Drinks are on me."
Everyone mingles around the office bar making small talk. Doug takes over bartending and mixes one of his favorites:
Splish Splash
Fill rocks glass with ice. Add 1 pony dark Rum and finish with V8 tropical splash.
Moe asks the spooky Yarri, "So, spikehair, what do you do for kicks?"
"My hobby is building personal housing for the afterlife."
Moe looks at the pariah and quickly walks away, glancing over his shoulder every few steps.
Yarri sneaks up and takes a tape measure to Shemp.
Shemp turns around to catch Yarri in a suspicious stance, "Why are you measuring me?"
Yarri, in his best Dracula impersonation, "Sorry. Freudian slip."
Larry, drinking ice on the rocks, looks around the law office then asks, "Where is Russell?"
Moette nonchalantly replies, "Oh, he is probably skydiving. It’s his favorite pastime."
A concerned Moe wants to change this, "Skydiving?? We’d better talk our favorite cousin out of this dangerous sport and in to something safer, like knitting."
Shemp, "Yeah, he can go back to alligator wrestling."
"Ahhhh!!"
"Where does he live?"
Shemp with his brilliant answer, "In a house at the corner of Oak Street and 4 7/8 Avenue."
Lefty, the right-handed crook, and his sidekick 64, are covertly listening outside the door.
Lefty steps away and whispers to his partner, "I have an idea on how to make a little money."
64, with a puzzled look, asks: "Isn’t all money the same size?"
Lefty bonks 64 with a brickbat on the head.
"Leave the thinking to me. C’mon."
"Duh, where are we going?"
"To the hardware store, dummy."
"Dummy? I like it when you compliment me, boss."
"Ok, moronic imbecile. Let’s go!"
"I haven’t heard words like that since my girlfriend left me."
Lefty and 64 drive away in 64’s car: a ’64 Impala that has a personalized license plate given to him by his boss – "ORON MAY"
Scene III
MLS arrive at Russell’s house
MLS are seated on the couch with a supply of knitting materials trying to explain how the process works.
Moe holds up exhibit ‘A’. "Here Russell, this is a knitting needle. It is used to..."
Russell stands up and ignores Moe.
Shemp coaxes him back to the couch, "Russell! At least sit down and listen to what Moe has to say."
Russell acquiesces and slowly sits down as he lays out his demands. "All right. I’ll sit for one minute then I’ll..."
Russell leaps up off the couch.
Larry inspects the back of Russell, "oooo. He sat on a knitting needle. I hope he didn’t bend it."
Shemp yanks the needle out of Russell.
Russell rubs his wound, "Now I can’t sit around the house. I’m going to jump cars with my motorcycle. Outta my way mophead." He shoves Moe aside with his right arm and leaves out the front door.
"Owwwwch" cries Larry, holding the evidence.
"You and your knitting idea.
Scene IV
MLS are nervously watching Russell leap over three, then five, then ten cars with his motorcycle...and cringing each time.
"C’mon Russell, I’ve seen enough motorcycle jumps. Let’s go over to the snack bar and get a Coke."
Russell removes his helmet, displaying his mussed-up hair, pats the seat of his bike, "Wanna try jumping over twelve cars?"
Shemp, "No thanks. I get airsick."
MLS and Russell meander their way to get refreshments.
Moe quickly looks around, "What was that sound?"
Shemp, "Russell slipped on a banana peel. His head hitting the concrete sure made a loud sound. I hope he is ok."
Russell lies still
Moe tries to bring him around by slapping him, "Wake up, Russell. Move a muscle! At least rustle." Moe even eye pokes him trying to revive him.
Russell lies still.
A nervous Shemp tries by shaking him, "Wake up, money bags, I, I, I mean Russell. We need you."
Russell lies still.
Larry sobs a little and points up, "I think he’s gone to the great gig in the sky."
"What will we do with him?"
Moe thinks fast, "I don’t know. We need for people to think he’s alive so Shemp can keep his income. Escort him over to the car and prop him up in the passenger seat."
Shemp and Larry drag Russell over to the ’83 Chevy station wagon and lay him in the back.
Fred taps on the car window.
"Hey, Russell. Can I try your motor scooter?"
His friend remarks, "Russell must be tired. He doesn’t flinch when I try to wake him up."
"I’ll take that as a ‘yes’"
Yarri mysteriously shows up. "Hello, Shemp. I built you a private office."
A suspicious Shemp asks, "How private?"
"It’s just your size."
"Does it have paneling?"
"No, velvet. And a big front door."
Yarri leaves as mysteriously as he arrived.
Lefty and 64 are watching from a distance. Lefty is using his Zeiss binoculars he got from his cousin who use to sail on a U-boat.
"The rich guy is asleep in the back of that car. I’ll steal the car and meet you back at the hideout."
64, "Duh, ok, boss."
Lefty gets out of the car, quietly shuts the door and takes careful steps toward his quarry.
Lefty scrunches his shoulders then turns and runs back to the car and says in a loud whisper, "What did you honk the horn for??"
64, "Where’s the hideout?"
Lefty, "At your apartment, you dolt. Now don’t honk that horn again!" 64 gets an eye poke from Lefty.
Lefty creeps over to the station wagon, stealthily opens the door, then crawls underneath the dash and starts to hot-wire the car.
Lefty jumps up and bangs his head on the steering wheel while he’s twiddling with the wires.
"Ooooo that idiot!"
64 turns the radio volume down quickly.
Lefty finally gets the right wires, holds them together and – presto – the car starts.
Larry hears Elvis then turns and spots the crime in progress. He runs toward Russell and motions with his arm, "Hey, come back here!"
Shemp turns and points to the screeching car, "That guy is stealing Russell!"
Moe looks around then jumps on Russell’s cycle, "C’mon. Let’s follow him."
Larry and Shemp hop on the motorcycle behind Moe.
After a few minutes of the chase...
Moe turns and yells into the wind, "Where are they?"
Larry motions behind him, "You passed them up. They are back there."
Larry and Shemp start fighting for room on the bike, "Quit shoving!"
"Your foot is on my foot."
"No, your foot is under my foot."
"What’s that rattling?"
"My shoe is caught in the spokes."
Moe pulls out a crow bar and backhands Larry on the head.
"Low man again. I don’t need this anymore."
Shemp tosses the crowbar over his shoulder and hits the windshield of the getaway car. Lefty screeches to a halt, aided by a giant oak tree.
Moe hears the crash, slows down, turns the bike around, then races back to get their buddy. Lefty is asleep with his head against the steering wheel.
"Grab Russell and let’s get out of here!"
Larry and Shemp hurry off the bike, snatch Russell, and wedge him in between them.
Moe, Larry, Russell, and Shemp are on the motorcycle cruising down the highway.
Larry yells in Moe’s ear, "I’m hungry. Let’s get something to eat."
MLS and Russell go into Jake’s by the beach. They are immediately seated near the ocean view window.
"What’ll your friend have? He looks pale."
"Ah, nothing. He’s on a diet. He doesn’t need much nutrition."
Surfer waiter, "I think he needs something. All he does is stare."
"Oh, he’s in a trance. Happens every time we go to a restaurant."
Waiter: "Don’t try and stiff us."
Moe laughs heartily, "That’s an excellent pun."
After lunch, the fearsome foursome head back to Shemp’s white picket-fenced house.
Moe is reading Russell’s appointment book so Russell can still keep his meetings.
"It says that Russell goes to the country club every Wednesday."
Moe looks at his watch, "Today is Wednesday! C’mon and bring Russell. He needs to make an appearance at the ‘West End Country Club’"
Shemp, "I don’t think he wants to go. He’s just sitting there."
"You pork-eyed platypus! Of course he’s just sitting there – he’s dead! GET RUSSELL IN THE CAR."
Larry and Shemp haul Russell out to the family car.
MLS, with Russell propped up under a seat belt, drive to the club.
Stiff snobbish guard slightly bows and greets them, "I’m sorry gentlemen. The waiters have to use the north entrance."
Shemp points to the back seat, "Russell here belongs to the club. Russell Grubbenhoff."
Guard bends down and looks in the car.
"Oh, I’m sorry. Good afternoon, Russell! Your Mother arrived a few minutes ago. How are those tennis lessons going?"
"He doesn’t feel like talking. Laryngitis."
"He told us he is sore from all the exercise.
Shemp leans over and says to the guard, "Yeah, he’s feeling a little stiff."
Moe bonks Shemp on the head with his fist.
"Boys. Mom is here!"
MLS slowly drive to the parking lot, park the car, get out and brush each other off.
Scene V
MLS and Russell are at the "Seat Yourself" sign in the club’s restaurant looking around at the patrons.
Larry whispers to Moe, "Sit at a different table than ‘Mom’"
MLS and Russell are seated near the kitchen, away from the other patrons.
Mom spies Russell across the restaurant then jumps up and runs over to meet her son.
"Russell! Why don’t you sit with us? I’m your parent."
Shemp, talking behind a menu in his best ventriloquist voice, says, "Sorry Ma. I have bubonic plague or something. I didn’t want to make the other guests sick."
"BUBONIC PLAGUE? AHAAAAHHHHH!" Mom runs across the room and crashes through the picture window shaking her hands in the air. The rest of the patrons, minus MLS and Russell, follow her (including the waiters and the maitre’d) out the window and down the golf course path.
Moe smashes a plate on Shemp’s head. "Bubonic plague? A cold would have done fine."
Rubbing his head, Shemp has another idea, "A headache would have worked, too."
Shemp shakes off his initiation, "I’m going to go upstairs and take a picture of the golf course. It is such a nice view."
He takes his Daguerreotype out of its case, puts in a flash powder, then walks upstairs.
"Hi Shemp."
Shemp suspiciously responds, "Oh, hi Yarri. What are you doing here?"
Yarri ignores him. "Let me help you down the stairs."
"I don’t want to go downstairs."
"Yes you do!"
Shemp mysteriously stumbles but grabs the railing at the last moment, "I almost fell down the stairs. I could have killed myself!"
Yarri, "Too bad!"
Shemp crawls down the stairs on all fours.
"What the?" Moe spots Fido and runs over to investigate, "What are you, a dog?"
"But Moe..."
Moe pulls Fido up by the hair. "This is a respectable establishment. They don’t allow dogs in here."
"Baaaaaaaa"
Scene VI
Moe, Larry, Shemp and Russell are finished eating, have paid the bill, and are leaving the restaurant...
MLS and Russell are walking back to the car when suddenly they encounter a large black cloud. All three start sneezing uncontrollably. Larry rubs his face in the grass then gets up and looks around for the source of the black cloud.
"Hey! Russell is gone!"
Larry quickly looks around the parking lot.
"There he is! Those two crooks are stealing him."
64 is wrestling with Russell, trying to handcuff him, "Hey boss, this guy won’t relax."
An impatient Lefty, "Shove him in the trunk then if he won’t cooperate. Throw some more pepper at those bozos following us."
64 really manhandles Russell, "Duh, you’re going into the trunk. And no backtalk!"
Boss is impatiently waiting in the driver’s seat, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, and looking in the rear view mirror every few seconds. Russell is there but no 64. Finally, after what he thinks is hours of waiting, the steaming Boss flings the door open and goes back to see what could possibly have gone wrong. 64 is gone! Boss’s face is turning red...he pops a few blood pressure pills then looks around the area. Nothing.
"jlkasdfjlakjfs"
"What is that noise?" Boss asks himself.
"kjflkanlfkn"
Boss hears a muffled noise in the trunk of the car. He opens it with a spare key and..."64! What are you doing in there?" Boss manhandles 64 out of the trunk.
"Duh, boss. You better tie up Russell. He is sneaky."
"What happened?"
"I tries to shove him in the trunk but he popped out and hit me. I got mad and swung at him but missed and fell in the trunk with such force that the trunk lid shut on me. Ooooo that Russell!"
"Maybe I should use Russell as my sidekick. Go stop those morons from following us!"
64 pours pepper in his palm, looks for a sign from the catcher, shakes off the first sign, nods his head for the fastball low and away, then winds up and pitches a handful at the Stooges. The wind blows it back in his face causing him to sneezing furiously.
Lefty drags 64 by the arm and pushes him into the front seat then runs around the front of the car, gets in and screeches away.
Lefty, "I think I’m gonna rename you to 46."
"Duh, is that a promotion?"
Lefty, "You would have got to the major leagues if you could have remembered what team you signed with."
64, "All those words to read were complicated and confusing."
Lefty, "I know. Those contracts are full of legalese."
64, "I’m talking about my ‘See Dick Hit the Ball’ book the coach gave me."
Moe and Shemp finally come around.
Larry, "C’mon you guys! They are getting away."
Moe and Shemp get in the front seat while Larry starts the car.
"There they go!"
"And here we go!" Larry squeals the tires and gives chase.
After a few minutes...
"How are we gonna stop them?"
"Look, their car is slowing down."
Lefty speaks in a high-pitched squeaky voice, "Why do I sound like an opera singer?"
The getaway car slows down then rolls to a stop on the side of the road.
Lefty is furious but not too convincing in is opera voice, "Our car is out of gas! Why didn’t you fill it?"
64, also in a high-pitched voice, explains: "I did. I went to the balloon store, bought some helium then I filled the car with it. Just like you said, boss."
Lefty, "I can’t count..."
64 interrupts, "I can count. Listen. Duh, 1,2,um 3, er" 64 pulls out a small book and flips through it. He continues, "5, 6, hmmmm. Hieroglyphics."
Lefty glances at the rearview mirror then pushes 64 down, "They are right behind us!"
Larry pulls up behind them but hits the back of their car. The trunk lid pops open, exposing Russell and a spare tire. Lefty and 64 open their doors, scramble behind them then start firing their guns at the Stooges.
A frowning Lefty looks at his gun from several different angles, "I’m aiming right at the one that looks like a shaving brush (Larry), but it is as if the bullets pass right through him like he’s a ghost."
Lefty is suspicious. He aims at the tire and pulls the trigger.
"64!!!"
Lefty and 64 both cry out at the same time. Their guns hurl straight up in the air then come down and conk themselves in the head. Shemp and Larry had snuck up behind them and bit them in the leg.
MLS tie up the woozy perpetrators.
Lefty glares at his accomplice, "I wonder why those bullets didn’t hit anything."
64, "Duh, I put blanks in them so no one would get hurt. I was polishing the real bullets. See?"
64 pulls a handful out of his pocket.
Moe conks 64 on the head with a tire iron.
An exasperated Lefty collapses in his seat then thanks Moe, "He needed that."
MLS, once again, grab Russell and toss him in the back seat.
"Shemp, take Russell home. Larry and I will take care of these crooks."
"Aye, aye captain!" Shemp salutes Moe and hits him in the face; then runs away as fast as he can.
Scene VII
Shemp is driving along with the radio on feelin’ good.
The police pull over Shemp in the carpool lane.
"What is the matter, officer?"
"I only saw you. You’re supposed to have 2 or more people in the car when driving in this lane." Officer Sur peeks into the back seat. "I see your buddy is asleep."
"More than you know."
"What?"
"He’s been asleep for a long time."
"How long?"
"About 3 days."
"Ok. You and Rip Van Winkle can go."
Shemp drives off.
Scene VIII
MLS and Russell are sitting around the kitchen table playing bridge. Russell always passes and is always the dummy. Larry and Shemp are putting their cards in some kind of order. Moe is on the phone...
"Ok. Bye." Moe hangs up the bat phone.
Moe, "The jig is up. Mrs. Grubbenhoff found out about Russell. That means our lifeline is cut."
A small candle appears over Shemp’s head - a real small candle. "I know. We’ll dress up Larry to look like Russell so he can take his place until the funeral is over. Mrs. Grubbenhoff won’t know the difference. Then we take Russell back and periodically show him to the lawyers so we keep getting paid."
Larry grimaces at the idea, "I don’t know if I’ll like this."
Moe shows him the lead pipe with the word ‘Larry’ stenciled on it: "Oh, you’ll like it or else..."
"Or else what?"
"This." Moe conks Shemp on the head several times with the pipe then eye pokes him.
Shemp walks around delirious. "Good thing you showed him."
"How do we dress up Larry?"
"We’ll go down to the new clothing store and find out."
Scene IX
MLS are at "Manfred Mann’s Men’s Clothes" store at the corner of Elm and Nicarigulianittafaniniswattel.
A snooty salesman greets them, with a slight bow, at the door, "May I help you gentlemen?"
"Yes" says Moe, pointing to Larry. "We need to dress him up for a funeral."
The accommodating Snoot escorts everyone to a rack of suits, "Right over here. We have a nice line of suits. Whose funeral, may I ask?"
"His own." Says Shemp, pointing to Larry (who is off in the corner with a smug smile on his face thumbing through racks of suits).
Beads of sweat form on Snoot’s forehead.
"Uhm. Oh. Here’s a nice suit." He glances over at poor Larry every so often.
Snoot takes down a charcoal-gray tux, walks over and holds it up to Larry.
Moe, "Stand reeeeaaal straight."
Larry feels the material and inspects the stitches for quality. "I like this suit. It will match my permanent surroundings. I’ll go try it on."
"Oh dear." Snoot fumbles with the keys and nervously lets him into the dressing room.
Larry walks out in the suit to the middle of the store then lays down on the floor, arms next to his side, stiff as a plank. Several customers stop what they are doing and stare.
Larry lies still as a desert night then asks with the slightest movement of his lips, "How do I look?"
Shemp nonchalantly replies, "Like you will in an hour or so."
Snoot grabs onto the counter; his legs start to give out on him.
Larry leaps up with a large audience watching closely, "Perfect! I’ll take it."
Snoot, eyeing Larry every once in a while, takes the suit and starts to put it in a bag.
Larry grabs it back, "No reason to bag it. I’ll wear it out. We’re on the way to my funeral." He proceeds back to the dressing room.
Moe pays for the suit with MasterCard. Larry shows up a minute or so after he is done paying for it.
"Ok, let’s go. I can hardly wait. Oh, I forgot to ask. What if Mom doesn’t like it?"
Snoot looks at the smiling Larry then faints behind the counter.
Shemp turns to leave, "C’mon." He steps over Snoot and remarks, "What’s with him?"
"Let’s go! We don’t want to be late."
MLS hurry out of the store.
Scene X
MLS are squashed in the front seat of Russell’s car which is idling next to the guardhouse at the front of the Country Club Cokomo.
"Ok Larry. Do your thing."
Larry sits stiff as a board with his eyes focused straight ahead.
The guard leans over, "Do you have passes to the funeral?"
"Yes, we have the guest of honor – he’s in the back seat."
The guard looks in the back at Larry then shakes his head.
"Boy, is he ugly. The world is better off."
The guard stands up to let them through. "Ok, pass."
<Rrrruffff!!!> barks Larry.
Moe conks Larry on the head and whispers out the side of his mouth, "Quiet porcupine!"
Guard leans over again, "You have a dog in there?"
Shemp barks at him <Rrrrufffff!>
Moe apologizes, "I accidentally fed him Kal Kan dogfood this morning for breakfast."
"Oh, ok." The guard stands up again to let them in.
Moe drives the car to the back of the funeral home and parks near the side door marked "Side Door".
Scene XI
The eulogy
Morbitt, the in-house priest, starts, "Dearly beloved. We are gathered here..."
Moe leans over and whispers to the priest.
"Sorry, wrong script."
Morbitt shuffles his papers then starts again; this time with a little sniffle.
"Russell was a good person. He never hurt..."
Mrs. G sniffs and a tear runs down the side of hear face. She leans over and whispers to her sister, "I swore I just heard my Russell sneeze."
The coffin starts jiggling around which startles the mourners. They look at each other trying to figure out what is going on.
"YEEEOOOWWWW!!!" comes the sound from the coffin.
Mrs. G stands up and faints. Her sister also faints. In fact, the whole family faints. The rest of the crowd leans back in their seat and gasps.
Larry flings open the lid, leaps out of the coffin, then runs out the side door toward the parking lot. Moe and Shemp are right behind him.
Moe is trying to find out what happened, "What happened?"
Larry, almost out of breath, tells him, "I’m lying there minding my own business when a bumblebee buzzes up my pants leg. I try and coax him out but it does no good. He zaps me anyway."
MLS slow down and stop under a giant elm tree to catch their breath.
"There they are, officer! Those cretins stole my Russell." Mrs. G is pointing to the Stooges.
Shemp, "The cops! They are on to us. They are getting closer."
"No they’re not – not if we go faster than them. Let’s go."
MLS run as fast as they can toward the parking lot. They stop to catch their breath again when...
"You want your pants pressed? AHHHHAAAAAHAHA."
"It’s Yarri! Exit, stage left!"
Moe, Larry, and Shemp run off into the sunset with Yarri close behind bouncing along on his ’63 Ford steamroller.
AHHAAHHAHAHAHAAahhaaahahahahahahaaaa
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© 2001 Doug DePrenger