200 - Addams and Eve
The Addams Family calls on the Stooges gardening service for their "expertise".
Scene I
The raven caws ten times. It is the third day for the Stooge gardening service called "Green Beens" Their storefront has a large snapbean hanging above the front door. Moe is straightening the garden tool display in the front window. Shemp is deciphering an inventory sheet while Larry is unloading fertilizer from a truck in the back loading dock. It is a nice crisp fall morning with hemlock in bloom...
Morticia Addams frantically picks up the phone. She slam-dials IMI-DIOT and waits. The phone isn't ringing fast enough. Finally, an answer.
"Hello, is this 'Green Beans' gardeners?"
"Um. I'm not sure. Lemme check...where is my stupid business card?" Shemp finally finds it under a book.
"No, it is Green Beens. You need to..."
"Can you come over to 1313 Coffin Street? It's on the south side of the city swamp. Our garden is in terrible shape and needs tending."
"Gimme that!" Moe grabs the phone from Shemp.
"Sure, we'll be over before you can say Nebucadnezzeristicexpialidouciously. If you can say it...if I can remember what I just said. I can't. What did I say?"
Moe hangs up the phone in a huff. Now the problems begin.
"Where are those idiots!" stammers Moe as he looks around for his partners. They are nowhere to be seen.
Moe searches the store and finds Shemp asleep at the accountant's desk snoring so loud the windows rattle.
"Wake up sleeping beauty! We have to work"
The snoring gets louder.
Moe tries again: "I said wake up! It's work time"
No response.
"I'll get him up...he needs his morning pick me up," mumbles Moe. He scurries into the kitchen and grabs a freshly brewed coffee pot off the forge with iron tongs. When Moe returns, Shemp is still napping.
"Oh, Shempy!"
"Whatty?" says Shemp in his sleep.
"Have some coffeeeee"
"Okeey"
Moe fills up Shemp's invisible coffee cup. Steam billows out everywhere.
"Yeeeooowww! I'll get up," cries the steaming Shemp leaping at attention.
"Where's porcupine?"
"How should I know? He's probably out in the truck. The lazy bum!" replies Shemp, still steaming.
"Look who's talking"
Moe walks out, with Shemp in his shadow, to the loading dock and finds Larry sleeping on the window opening of the delivery truck.
"I'll get him up" Moe pushes 'close' on his remote.
"Heeelllp! Get me outta here!" squeals a flailing Larry.
Moe takes hedge clippers and squashes Larry's nose.
"He looks like a V8," says Shemp, pointing and laughing.
"Time to work, isn't it?"
"Yes, yes. Let me out!"
Moe relents and lets Larry out of 'jail'. The three of them walk inside and sit around the coffee table in the lobby.
"Listen you wombats. We have to go and tend Mrs. Addams' garden," orders Moe.
"I'm not going!" defies Shemp slamming his fist down in protest.
"He says you have to go," says Moe, pointing in back of Shemp. Shemp turns around and looks for 'him'. Moe pulls Shemp's suspenders as far as they'd go and snaps them. Shemp involuntarily runs over and crashes head first into a wall. A bowling ball trophy rolls down the shelf and conks Shemp on the head. Larry spies Moe glaring at him and says: "Look, I'm going!" and runs as fast as he can into the same wall. Another bowling ball rolls down the shelf bonking Larry's head. Both are napping again.
"These helpers are helpless!" laments Moe. Moe fills a big bucket full of water and drenches his helpers.
"We're awake. We're awake!" Shemp and Larry scramble to their feet and bump into each other several times trying to get out the door.
"Get going!!"
Scene II
MLS arrive at 1313 Coffin Street. What a creepy place! Dark clouds perpetually hover over the house. Mr. Addams is sharpening the top of his iron picket fence with a new file he bought at AceKingQueen Hardware. Morticia is snipping the tops of roses off in her garden. Grandmamma is brewing up...something! Lurch is playing Mozart on the harpsichord. Pugsly and Wednesday are downstairs playing a new game - Dungeons and Dragons...Pugsly is in the dungeon on the rack. Wednesday is trying to get his allowance. Uncle Fester is toting his gun around town, looking for someone to shoot in the back.
"hack hack."
Moe stomps out Larry's cigarette. "Quit coughin' or you will end up in a coffin!"
MLS look around cautiously as they walk up to the front door. Thunder rumbles over the house and lightning bolts light up the sky. Moe lifts the doorknocker and taps it lightly on the door.
"Well, no one's home" says Shemp as he starts to walk away. Moe grabs him by the back of the shirt and drags him back to the front door.
"Listen you grub worms. We need this job. We're flat broke. Now act excited."
The creaky door opens slowly. Seven-foot tall Lurch is standing there.
"You rang," he states in his usual morose voice.
MLS look up then look down. He's huge!
Moe stutters: "Ah, er, we're here to see Mrs. Addams about her garden"
"Follow me"
MLS trail Lurch inside, scared out of their wits. Lurch grabs their hats off their heads and crushes them.
"Sit."
"Yes sir. Yes sir." MLS endlessly salute Lurch.
Lurch grumbles and shakes his head: "Uhhhhhhhhh" as he lumbers off to find Mrs. Addams.
"I need a smoke." Larry taps his cigarette pack on a wooden box resting on an antique table. He reaches in his top pocket and fumbles for a cigarette. The box opens and a hand flicks on a lighter and lights up Larry's cig then retreats to its home.
"Thanks!" Larry smiles, rocking back and forth in a Victorian era rocking chair like an old Grandpa, bouncing smoke rings off a painting of a guillotine and enjoying life. He wrinkles his forehead while thinking about what just happened.
"It can't be." Larry leans over and opens the box:
Larry gets all excited: "Moe, Moe! A hand in that box just lit my cigarette!"
Shemp: "How can a hand live in a box?" He walks over, opens the box, and Thing twists his nose and punches him in the eye. "Yeeoowww!"
"Moe, Moe! He's right! A hand just twisted my poor little nose like a pinwheel" Shemp rubs the hurt out of his nose.
Moe walks over. "Look you fraidy cats. There's nothing in this box. I'll show you"
Moe opens Thing's home and peers inside. < slap >
"Gad, you're right!"
There is a knock on the tiny trapdoor. Larry looks at Moe and Shemp, shrugs his shoulders, and opens it. Thing grabs his tie and yanks him close to the box. Thing's sister (who has red painted nails) rips out a clump of Larry's hair and disappears. Thing lets go of Larry's tie but gets in one last eye poke before the trapdoor shuts quickly.
After a few seconds, the trap door opens again. Thing extends himself, in a handshake mode.
Shemp: "Look, he wants to make up." Shemp shakes hand with Thing.
"You're forgiven," says Shemp as he bows graciously.
"I need something for my nerves" quivers Shemp, rubbing his wobbly head.
"Like what?" asks Moe.
"A trip home"
MLS look around the front room at all the antiques.
"Look at this place!"
The boys are wandering around, eyeing over all the unusual "art" items - like a swordfish with a leg out of its mouth. Suddenly...
"AHHHHHHH!! AaaaAaaaaiieeeeee!! Helppppp. HEELLLLPP"
Larry jumps on Moe's lap. Shemp jumps on Larry's lap. Their hair is standing on end.
Morticia enters the room with a pretty smile on her face.
"Whaa whhaa whhhhhaaat was that scream?" asks Moe sheepishly as the trio reluctantly disassembles.
"Oh, the children. The little darlings. They're playing with the postman"
"Ppppa ppa playing?"
"Yes. He was a 5 foot 5 inch, 97 pound weakling...now he's a 6 foot 1 inch, 97 pound weakling."
"Come, I'll take you to the garden" Morticia shuffles toward the back door. MLS follow Morticia, looking around at everything then:
"YYEeeeeooowww! Let go." yells Shemp. A snapdragon has him by the snout.
"Ok, sweetie. Let go of our guest" Morticia quietly asks the snapdragon, gently stroking it.
"Here is something better than Stooge." Morticia feeds it a dog biscuit and it withdraws into the "forest".
They continue their quest through the back door and see a beautiful garden.
"My garden is awful! Look at these!" Morticia holds up a daffodil weed.
"Please fix it," cries Morticia.
"Certainly, Mrs. Addams" promises the Stooges.
Scene III
MLS are in the garden, ready to start work.
Shemp and Larry are standing in the center of the garden, looking around in amazement.
"Get busy, you jugheads!"
"Shemp, climb that tree and saw off the dead branch. That's an order!" barks Generalissimo Moe.
"Aye, aye, captain!" salutes Shemp, whacking Moe in the face. Moe swings and misses.
Shemp puts on his crampons over his shoes. As Moe bends over to pick up a trowel, Shemp thinks, "That first step is pretty high. Hmmmm. Thanks Moe!"
Shemp runs across the lawn and leaps on Moe's back...the spikes dig in. "Owwww!!"
Shemp grabs on the pole and scurries up the steps (shown in fast motion)
"Don't step there!" pleads Moe.
"Why not?"
"I got a weak back."
"When did you get it?"
"Ohhh, about a week back."
Larry crawls among the shrubs, picking weeds. Moe is talking to Mrs. Addams as he yanks out old brush filling his leaf bag. Larry pokes his head between bushes -
"Owwww! You pulled out some of my hair!" yells Larry.
"You have some left. Here, have it back...and NO complaints," scowls Moe.
"But..."
Moe socks Larry in the eye.
"No ifs, ands or buts. Get back to work."
"How about a maybe?"
"Maybe this!" Moe shows Larry two fingers; circles them around like a vulture, and then
"Get to work!"
Shemp scampers down the ladder to see what happened to Moe.
Shemp lifts the heavy branch off Moe's head and says: "Say a few syllables. Utter a few adjectives. Squawk a few sentences."
"MORON!" Moe eye pokes Shemp.
Shemp drops the branch on Moe's head again.
"Those are the wrong words."
"Shemp, go weed the flower garden"
"Ok, Moe"
Shemp walks over to the flower garden. It's beautiful! Gardenias, mums, tulips everywhere!
"Go flower the weed garden. That's easy"
"Hmmm. I wonder which ones are weeds. I'll play it safe and pull all of them," mutters Shemp.
Shemp starts filling a trash bag with everything that isn't nailed down in the garden.
"Ahhhheeeiiiieeeeee!!! What are you doing?" squeals Moe his trembling hand pointing to an empty garden.
"I'm picking the weeds. Want some? They are pretty." Shemp chomps on a few gardenias.
"And tasty."
"Why would anyone want to get rid of these weeds?" questions Shemp.
Moe brings over a hedge trimmer and squeezes Shemp's nose with it. <yeeooowwww!>
Shemp finds the roses have had their tops snipped off.
"Hmmm. The rose heads fell off. I can fix these nice roses." Shemp pulls out a tube of glue and starts making the roses look like roses. He glues all the snipped heads back on the stems.
Shemp is cleaning up dead brush, too. He spots a huge pile of it.
"I know, I'll just burn it rather than pick it up"
Shemp flicks his Bic and sets the brush on fire.
"kfjadlskfjlsjfkldjfa" comes a cry from the brush.
"What happened to cousin Itt?" asks Morticia watching Itt race to the swamp and jump in.
"I thought he was some dead brush so I set it on fire."
"You should go apologize to him. He's awfully sensitive."
Shemp walks over to the swamp and finds Cousin Itt cooling off. "I'm sorry Itt. I thought you were worthless dead brush."
"kjaslknvnnvndsfk"
"Cousin Itt says he accepts your apology."
"ieoijwqpfno"
"He says your manners are atrocious."
"Thank you, Mrs. Addams" Shemp slightly bows.
"He had to take a bath anyway for his hot date tonight." translates Morticia.
"Who is his date?" asks a wondering Larry.
"A callusimus deliciousmus shrub at the cemetery down the street. It's flowering."
Lurch walks out to the garden with a tray of "goodies" and sets them down on a nearby cast iron table decorated with the latest spider webs..
"Lunch"
Shemp and Larry race over and scoot in their seats.
"Oh, boy. Eats."
Larry munches down some cookies while Shemp guzzles some tea.
"This stuff is good," compliments Shemp.
"Yeah. Yeah!" nods Larry in agreement, his mouth overflowing with cookies.
"Where are those loafers?" Moe searches the horizon like a periscope.
"Time waits for no one - neither does Moe."
Moe scrambles and digs up - a treasure chest!
Looking around for witness and seeing none, Moe unlatches the beyond avarice box in slow motion.
Grandmamma opens a carefully hidden trapdoor and makes an appearance, scaring everyone.
"So you like my cooking! I used nice, fresh swamp grass for the tea. The mold on it is at its prime. A nice year for harvesting."
Shemp spits out some of his tea.
Grandmama turns to Larry and holds up one of her prized creations: "These cookies are freshly baked with Malidourous Eroniphus spiders"
Larry gags. "I thought those were chocolate chips!"
Shemp and Larry run out to continue working.
"Those boys are so dedicated," says Grandmamma, combing her hair with a skeleton fish.
"AAAAHHHHHH!!" cries Moe just before he faints.
"That is our nephew Klinkle Addams. He enjoys burying himself. He thinks he is Captain Kidd's treasure.
Larry whispers to Shemp: "That witch is weird. I hope I don't grow horns from what she fed us"
"Horns? I hope I get out of here alive!" retorts Shemp.
"Larry, where is Moe?" asks Shemp, looking around the yard.
"I don't know. He was here when we went to lunch"
"We better search for him. Who knows what this nutball family will do to him."
Shemp gets his lantern lit and starts looking around. Larry says "I'll give you rear guard support."
"There's a door over there" whispers Shemp, pointing to an old door with spider webs on it.
"Yeah, it looks suspicious. Let's investigate"
Larry and Shemp creep over to the entrance. As they near the door it starts opening itself slowly. Shemp and Larry look at each other wide-eyed.
"Come this way" calls a gravelly voice.
Shemp and Larry enter. Uncle Fester leads them through a dimly lit tunnel with a light bulb buzzing in his mouth. Bats hanging from the ceiling...small rodents scurry as the group gets near them. Toward the light they go. As they enter the room, Moe is snugly tied on the rack. Wednesday and Pugsley are standing by, tightening up a notch.
Moe responds: (oww!!)
"What are you doing to Moe?" demands Shemp, slamming his fist down on the rack tightener (tightening up a few notches)
Moe responds again: (OWWW!!)
"Sorry Moe"
Uncle Fester, "You boys relax."
"OWwwww!" Larry leans on the rack tightener. "Oops."
"I overheard him say he had sore muscles. Uncle Fester uses the rack to relieve tension so we decided to help your friend," replies Pugsley.
Moe speaks up, sweating profusely, "My muscles feel great. Thanks, Wednesday"
"I'll loosen the rack."
"Owww!!" cries Moe.
"Wrong way. This must be the left handed rack type."
Wednesday loosens the rack and unties Moe.
"Man, I am tired."
Shemp sits down and massages his sore feet.
Pugsley, "I wouldn't sit there. That is..."
Larry is white as a ghost. "Shemp's seat swallowed him!"
Pugsley, "Now squeeze. I'll trade you a peppered turtle for Shemp."
"Now I know what a sardine feels like," says Shemp, straightening his clothes.
Wednesday, "That is our python, Squeeze. Playful, isn't he?"
"You want to play with kitty cat?"
Down the cave comes a mountain lion, too close for comfort.
"Here comes kitty cat," says Wednesday.
"That's kitty cat?" asks a squeamish Shemp.
"Yes. I'll call his mother"
"Aah, that's ok."
"A hole. How deep is it?"
Fester, "The bottomless pit? We bought it at an auction in Transylvania."
"ROOAAARRR" calls Wednesday.
Down another passage comes a louder lion roar of a big mountain lion, sounding like it is way too close.
"Uh, my cell phone is ringing."
Moe answers his shoe: "Yes, ok, we'll be right there"
"Good bye and good riddance. Woo wwoo woooo" and away they go.
The Stooges run through the cave and scramble up the first stairs they see and whip open the trapdoor only to meet Lurch who is standing at the entrance clutching an axe.
"AAAAHHHHHHHH," scream the Stooges as they run as fast as they can through the house, knocking over tables and flowerpots, out the front door and to their car. They leap inside the car, nearly tearing the doors off their hinges. Moe starts it up and screeches the tires as he floors it.
"No firewood, Mrs. Addams," Lurch tells Morticia, watching the Stooges make their hasty exit.
"Those gardeners were so nice. They left us so many gifts!"
@
© Jan 2001 Doug DePrenger