201 - A-hab the A-rab
Moe, Larry, and Doug stop Ahab and his gang from kidnapping the mayor of Indianapolis
Scene I
It is a postcard winter day. Location: a fifteen year old apartment complex called 'Los Arms' in the outskirts of Indianapolis. Camera zooms in through an apartment window showing Larry and Doug inspecting a large bulge under the carpet they just laid. Their business is cleaning - "We'll clean you out" is their motto. Not much business today; or any other day.
Larry rubs his chin while in deep thought. "Look at the size of the lump in the carpet."
"Yep." Doug ties his shoes extra tight, "We'd better flatten it."
He walks over to the lump and stomps on it a few times with his "Herman Munster" lead boots.
"What was that, Larry?" Doug looks around the room for the source of pain.
"Probably termites. I'll get something better."
Larry searches his toolbox and finds the perfect solution. He tries to flatten the bulge with a mallet.
Larry, "That didn't work...it only made the lump mad. I'll try the carpet stretcher."
Larry grabs the newly-sharpened carpet stretcher, crouches down in position, digs in, and runs it across the lump.
"That lump is alive!"
"Get me outta here!"
"That lump can speak English."
Doug is off in a daydream, "That's no surprise. We had a guy named Lumpy in my fifth grade class who..."
Doug crouches over closer to the bulge and looks up at Larry then questions his target. "Maybe the lump is a foreign national. Sprecken zie Deutsch?"
"Ja"
"How 'bout Irish?"
"Hoot mon. Gimme some Johnny Walker Red."
"Speaka de Italiano?"
"Yeah. What about it?"
"Noooooo!!"
Larry preps a nice rolling boil pot of water with a pinch of salt then dumps it on lump.
"It makes the lump louder."
Doug, "What are you doing?"
"These golf cleats will deflate that ol' lump. Watch."
A mighty leap into the air gets Larry right in the middle of Lumpy...
"Larry. I've had enough of the lump. Let's get on with business."
Doug throws the entire toolbox on the lump for smarting off.
"Give me a boost up. I need to dust the top of the bookcase."
"Sure." Larry locks his hands to form a step - Doug climbs up and starts cleaning the top of the case.
"Ooo! I'm losing my balance!"
Doug tries to regain balance by grabbing the top of the shelf but to no avail; he pulls down the bookcase and leaps away just in time to see the 'lump' get crushed.
Scene II
The study. A dimly lit room with dusty, paperback-filled bookshelves up to the ceiling and a large mahogany desk stacked with papers.
Doug is polishing the corner of the desk when he spots something of interest.
"Hey, Larry! Come here. Look at this."
Larry rushes over to see. Underneath a glass protection on the desk is a huge collection of memorabilia from the 70s.
"Wow! Look at all those concert tickets! There is one for Frank Zappa at Fillmore West!"
"Shhh! I hear voices in the next room." Doug puts his ear up to the wall.
The adjoining room speaks, "It is time! The mayor must be abducted tonight."
Doug turns around and huddles near Larry. "Did you hear that? They are gonna nab the mayor tonight. We have to stop them."
"How?"
"Ask Moe. He'll know what to do."
Doug and Larry look around the room. "Where's Moe?"
Doug looks behind a few picture frames and in some drawers. No Moe.
Doug looks at Larry then answers the door.
"Moe! You look terrible. You're covered with plaster and splinters."
"I have a surprise for you."
"What?"
"I am Lumpy."
Doug, "I am sore eyes."
"Where did you go?"
"To the basement. Now you're gonna get your lumps."
Moe winds up with a baseball bat but Larry holds up his hand signaling stop.
"Moe! Wait! The people next door are going to kidnap the mayor."
Moe reluctantly lowers his bat. "What??"
Doug, "Yeah, he's right. I overheard their plot. Tonight's the night!"
Moe leads the way, "C'mon. Let's peek through the keyhole and see what is going on!"
"We're gonna do our part for the country." Moe drags Doug by the nose with his little finger and pulls Larry by the hair out the door.
Scene III
At the front door of the suspects.
Moe crouches down behind Doug, "What do you see?"
"The back of my eyelids."
Doug crouches down to look.
"Now what do you see?"
"A doorknob."
"Look through the keyhole."
Doug bumps his head on the doorknob and knocks himself out.
Moe grabs his hair and drags Doug away from the door. "Larry, you look."
Larry crouches down to see.
After a long pause, "Well? What do you see?"
"Doug's right. I see a doorknob."
Moe kneels down and looks through the keyhole.
"I see a few guys that got out of the shower. One of them..."
Ahab accosts Larry, "What doing here out?"
Larry backtracks, "Uh. Uh. We lost a grapefruit."
Ahab adjusts his turban, "Where did you last see it?"
"In our kitchen, down the hall."
Doug, "C'mon. I think it rolled this way."
Moe and Larry sheepishly follow Doug and crableg down the hall around the corner then around the entire sixth floor until they end up at their apartment.
Larry is serious. "Hey, those guys are spies. We've got to stop them from kidnapping the mayor."
Chez Doug raises his finger, "I know. We'll cook them a dinner they'll never forget."
Scene IV
Flaws are in their computer room creating a dinner invitation.
"How do you use this software?" Larry holds up an Elvis CD and ponders it.
"The mouse doesn't work."
Doug, "Maybe it's on unemployment."
"Turn on the computer, you dimwit."
"What happened to the screen?"
Doug, "The screen saver kicked in."
After several minutes of wild mouse moving...
"This MSDinnerInvitation package is neat. Pick the menu and print out the invitation."
Moe carefully grabs the one page invitation from the printer tray and hands it over to Doug, "Fold this up and stick it in an envelope. I'll deliver it to the kidnappers."
Doug folds it. And folds it. And folds it until the invitation is a one inch by one inch cube.
"Afadallah, what is this?" AllahBenWallahDownTheHallah holds up a soiled envelope found next to the front door.
"Let me look up." Fidelio eyes it over then finds a match in his 'Odd American Items' catalog (last years) published by Oddballah and Sons. "It is American letter container. Number 10 size. Open it."
AllahBenWallahDownTheHallah places the letter in front of him then gets on his knees, "Open Sesame"
The envelope does nothing.
"Oh Great Allah! Open Sesame!" He waves his hands over the note, jingles a few beads, and sprinkles turmeric on the envelope.
Nothing.
"I found some directions in the FAQ on the Internet site 'Arabs in America'. Listen up."
"To open American envelope container, stick fingernail underneath the flap and lift gently."
Fidelio jams his grimy finger underneath and rips it open.
"Can you read this?"
"Sure! It say, "B6 tpa ni rennid ot detivni era uoY"
"You know I don't smoke!"
"Why don't you read it backwards?"
Afadallah turns around and reads it again, "B6 tpa ni rennid ot detivni era uoY"
"You are as dumb as our neighbors in 6B."
"Hey! If you hold it up to the Muhammad mirror, it reads, 'You are invited to dinner in apt 6B'"
"Let's get in our Sunday best."
Ahab lugs a large box into the dressing room.
He makes an announcement: "I bought a new turban down at Solar Jet Parts. The salesman told me I got a great deal! Help me open package box."
Grabbing his favorite crowbar, Ahab pries opens his new package. "What it is? How do I put it on my head?"
Fidelio reads the package insert: "Thank you for buying America's best turbine. Inspected by Q."
.. back in apt 6B
Larry is looking through the pantry, "What do we fix for our guests?"
After reading the cooking section of today's newspaper, Doug suggests, "How about Camelburgers, Nile blue water, curried reeds and weeds, and hay for dessert?"
"Where do we get this stuff?"
Doug grabs his coat as he opens the front door, "In the Egyptian section of the grocery store. Let's go!"
6:01PM
"Answer the front door, porcupine."
Larry, "I'll answer it when I'm ready."
"I'm on my way."
Larry carefully opens the door. "What are you?"
"I'm Ahab the Arab. My friends are Afadallah, Fidelio, and AllahBenWallahDownTheHallah. We're here for dinner."
"I'm LarryLarryQuiteContrary" Larry points out his partners: "That is AintNoMoe, and finally Doug."
"You're just in time to help us. C'mon into the kitchen."
Moe is grinding hamburger for dinner.
Moe summons his target. "Hey, spinach chin. Help me bag this stuff."
"Ok." Afadallah walks over to Moe's prep area.
Moe grabs Afadallah by the beard, shoves it in the meat grinder, and starts grinding.
"Owwwch. Let out me here," comes a useless cry for help as Afadallah's chin closes in on the meat grinder.
"That'll hold you for a while."
Doug offers AllahBenWallahDownTheHallah a drink. "Here, Q-tip. Some nice hot coffee."
"Thanks. You Americans are hospitals."
He takes a giant drink and begins to enjoy the taste. A frown suddenly appears on his mouth and his eyes jump wide open while steam nearly covers his face when he opens his mouth.
Larry herds him over to 'the closet'. "Quick, there is water in the closet!"
AllahBenWallahDownTheHallah rushes into the closet and the door is slammed shut and locked.
"Let us here out!"
"Don't you like Habanero Kaffee?"
Doug sneaks into the bathroom for a few minutes.
Moe 'accidentally' spills some gravy, "Oops. Sorry Ahab."
Ahab tells the others he needs to tend to something then hurries off to the restroom. After a few minutes he comes out donning new pink Dockers pants and a green shirt.
He crinkles his forehead then starts scratching furiously like a dog with a thousand fleas.
Moe, "Come here, itchy."
Ahab crawls over to Moe and is greeted
"I knew that poison sumac I bought would come in handy someday."
One more...
"Oh Mr. Fidelio! Help us saut� this fish."
Fidelio comes in from the living room to help.
"Where are my friends?"
Larry, "Oh, they are tied up at the moment."
"Ouch!" Moe steps on Larry's foot.
Fidelio,"What's that banging I hear?"
"Must be the furnace acting up."
As Fidelio leans over to the saut� pan, Moe turns up the burner on full blast.
"Ooooo! My beard is on fire! Put it out!"
"Ok!" Moe and Larry drag Fidelio to the sink and shove his head in the soapy water. Air bubbles float to the top and when they pop you hear "ï–ךּï‰ï†".
Moe pulls Fidelio out by his soapy hair. "Oh he needs to be rinsed."
They take him out in the 5 degrees weather and hose him down then drag him inside with ice tongs and toss him into the makeshift jail.
"That's that."
"Let's look around their place."
Scene V
Front of A-hab's apartment
Larry tugs at the door, "How are we gonna open their front door?"
Doug, "I was a locksmith in a previous life." He pulls some picks out of his wallet and starts acting like '007' - Bond. James Bond.
After about fifteen minutes of picking and clicking, Moe shows his impatience. "Why don't you try turning the doorknob and see if it's open?"
"Yeah! Great idea." Doug and Larry tug with all their might at the door but it doesn't budge.
Moe kicks them in the pants. "Try pushing the door."
What do you know? It opens.
Doug points to his lesser, "Larry's pretty stupid."
Larry, "But he has uncommon scents. C'mon. Hurry!"
"Here's their communication center."
Larry picks up a Shure microphone, flips the 'on' switch and croons, "Will you be mine? My love is..."
Moe conks Larry on the head with his fist, "Stop singing."
The speaker blurts out a call, "Afadallah, do you have your ears on, good buddy?"
Doug feels the side of his head, "Yep. They are on."
"Meet us at the dock at 10PM."
"Hokay, boss."
"You don't sound like an Arab."
"I'm from southern Arabia below the AliBaba-Dixon line."
...back in apt 6B
Closet, "Let us out of here!"
Larry quickly opens the door, tosses in a surprise, and then slams it shut.
"That'll keep them busy."
"Hey, it's time to go to the dock."
Doug mocks bunny rabbit ears with his index fingers and hops around, "What's up, dock?"
Scene VI
Dockside. The boys are in their pickup, all in the front seat, devising a plan.
Larry, "Let's lock them in their car. Then we can call the cops."
"They are the cops."
"We can call the bad guys to arrest the cops."
"There they are. Stuffed inside that white pickup. Doug. Go out and show them your face. Then they'll run into our trap."
Larry, "If I saw his face, I'd run the other way."
"I don't wanna go out."
Moe, "What's this?"
Doug, "A fist."
"A punch in Larry's eye."
Larry rubs both his black eyes. "Stop picking on me!"
Inside the FBI truck
"There they are." The agents leap out of the van and run toward Doug, who is hoofing it in the opposite direction.
Moe and Larry pull their guns. "Up against the truck. Now."
The agents pull out bigger guns. "Down on the ground."
Larry beats Moe by a few milliseconds.
Agent2, "C'mon. Let's pop the hood and take out some wires."
The agents gather around and try to pry the hood open.
Agent1, "Hey! I'm stuck to the hood."
"Me too!"
"Me three."
Moe creeps up to Agent1, "Oh Mr. Arab!"
He turns around just in time to get an eyepoke.
Doug crawls up to Agent2 and gives him his just reward, "Owwww! You bit me!"
Larry conks Agent3 on the head with a spare tire iron.
A big black limo pulls up to the scene and out leaps a gentleman in a military uniform bedecked with medals and awards.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" beckons General Mils.
Moe takes charge, "Hi General. We captured three foreign spies trying to kidnap the mayor."
"Spies? These are undercover FBI agents. You have ruined three years of hard work!"
Moe turns to Larry and Doug, "Well?"
"We overheard them say they were gonna kidnap the mayor."
Agent2, still stuck to the pickup, defends himself, "That? We were watching Rugrats at 10 on television. That was their plot."
Sergeant Plymouth Dodge, the next-in-line officer to Lieutenant Chrysler Dodge, gives the Flaws a glare that would melt ice, "Well?"
Moe turns to his cohorts, "You idiots!" He winds up to conk them with a wrench but
Larry blurts out, "Wait General! They are double agents."
"How do you know?"
"The Rugrats come on at 9, not 10. They are lying! Here's a TV guide to prove it!"
Larry shows General the proof.
After inspecting the evidence, General talks into his 3rd coat button, "Ok boys. Close in."
Several agents appear out of nowhere and arrest Agents1, 2, 3, and the pickup hood.
Moe wonders out loud, "How did those guys stick to the hood?"
Doug, "I started waxing the truck this morning but used glue instead of carnauba wax. I didn't realize it until I was done with the hood."
"For once you're absentmindedness paid off."
Larry, "What about mine?"
Moe, "Your mind is totally absent."
"An improvement! Thanks."
General Mils reaches in a black attache case, attached to himself via handcuff, "You boys are going to get an accommodation for this."
Larry backs away, "No, not that!"
Doug, "He means we get a reward."
"Give it to us!"
The General rears back and slaps all three of them. "Now get out of here before I throw you in the brig!"
"Woo woo wooo woooooo woooo" Three figures fade into the distance...
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© Jul, 2002 Doug DePrenger
Episode #43